Does it ever stop hurting?

@dorannmwin (36698)
United States
June 16, 2010 1:20pm CST
I am happy to be the mother of two wonderful children, but there is a piece of me that is missing and has been missing for five years now. I suffered a miscarriage between Kathryn and Paul and though having Paul (my rainbow baby) made it easier for me, it has also been something that has never really quit hurting to me. I am asking of anyone that has ever lost one of their children, be it through miscarriage or death, if the pain ever does go away? For me, I know that it is not as bad as it was in the past, but it still hurts.
1 person likes this
7 responses
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
16 Jun 10
I've lost 3 pregnancies.. one when my oldest was about 3.. one when my twins were about 1.. and the most recent was last August. I've actually found each lost pregnancy to be a blessing. I was not ready to have another child at the time of these pregnancies. The first time I was only 20, the child would have been born just before my 21st birthday. I was too young and immature to raise the child I had let alone another one, plus the relationship I was in was a very bad one. If I'd had that child I never would have ended up with my husband and I'd still be stuck with that loser I was with at the time. The second obviously I wasn't ready for another child after the twins.. I was hoping to be done with kids at that point. When I found out I was pregnant with Aydan I was half hoping for another miscarriage.. which didn't happen obviously. Don't get me wrong, it didn't take long for me to be happy about another baby.. I just didn't want it at first. The last one was an ectopic, which forced me to finally have my tubes removed.. which I probably never would have gotten around to doing if it hadn't been for the ectopic. I believe everything happens for a reason. I was meant to have 5 kids, for whatever reason... and I wasn't meant to have 8, thank goodness.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
I have a couple of aunts that went through multiple miscarriages and I just couldn't imagine for that to have been me. I suspect that when I was in college I had a miscarriage as well, but if I did in fact have one, it wasn't nearly as traumatic as the baby between my two kiddos because I wasn't ready to be a mother when I was nineteen years old.
• United States
17 Jun 10
I imagine it must be really hard when you want to have a baby.. I know a girl who is trying so hard to have kids, and she keeps miscarrying. I feel for her.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
18 Jun 10
That I imagine would be the most difficult thing of all. When I lost our baby we weren't really trying for another at the time, it just happened. That hurt badly, but to be actively trying and to lose a baby I think would be far worse.
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
17 Jun 10
First off, I am sorry for your loss and your pain. This pain is very real and is something only a mother, who has experienced this, will understand. Unfortunately I know it all too well. I have buried 3 children and have had two miscarriages. I love children. I would do anything to have a million if possible. I had a daughter before all this and one in the middle of it. I am high risk and have had to experience much to find this information out. To answer your question D No it will never go away. It changes to sadness. Even though it was more than ten years since my boys passed, I still wonder what if. I think we always will. I get so MAD when people say "You have two other children", or "look on the bright side". Just what exactly is the bright side of losing a child. The comment that really bothers me is when you're talking to another mother and she saids "well at least it wasnt born". The minute that child was conceived it was OURS. If you ever need to talk please send me a private message and Ill give you my number or whatever. Dont feel bad about grieving. For some people it takes a lifetime. I can only tell you that you should let yourself feel sad. You need to. Good luck Dl
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
You've literally brought tears to my eyes. I don't think that I've ever met another person who really understood the pain the way that you do. I had one friend who had multiple miscarriages and she was my daughter's second God-mother. She was the person that I always talked to when it was really bothering me, but she got to go home to be with her children in January so I can't call to talk to her any more. I will probably drop you a private message very soon. Even if we aren't able to connect on the phone, it would be great to have a person I can email with that would be able to understand my trials and tribulations.
1 person likes this
@dloveli (4369)
• United States
17 Jun 10
I am in full understanding of what you are going thru. You can email me, private message or call. Whatever you need. I am here for you friend. dl
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
22 Jun 10
I haven't ever lost a child, and my condolences to you, but I don't think it ever totally stops hurting when you lose somebody you love, especially a child.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
27 Jun 10
I think that you are probably very, very right on this. I still mourn the loss of my father when I was a teenager and he passed fifteen years ago so I don't think that the pain will ever truly be gone.
@Shar19 (8236)
• United States
17 Jun 10
Sorry to hear that you went through that. I know it must be hard for you. I would think that the pain never really goes away but it does get better and easier to deal with. Just try to remember that God had a reason for the way things turned out.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
I know that it isn't as vivid as it was in years gone by, but it is still something that I have to deal with none the less. I think that eventually it will just be a dull ache, but it will still be something that I'll have to deal with.
• Netherlands Antilles
17 Jun 10
I don't have children. But as a mom i think it's hurt for a long time. Every mom know what's the pain is for a child. I hope someday the hurting is over. Just think that God help always and he is always there.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
To be honest, one of the things that gives me comfort in this situation is the fact that my father passed away when I was a teenager and never had the opportunity to meet his two grandchildren that I've gotten to hold in my arms. I imagine him holding the baby in heaven and telling her about her mother and also find comfort in knowing that he has a grandbaby that he can enjoy as well.
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
17 Jun 10
I am sorry Dora. Do not know what to say but I just dropped in to give a big hug dear. You will be fine dear. Lots of love.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
Oh, I know that I will be fine. In fact, there are a lot of times that I don't even think about her. However, that anniversary is something that always sticks out in my mind. It is something that is ingrained in me.
@cher913 (25893)
• Canada
16 Jun 10
i had a miscarriage between our two daughters and while it was tough, it was probably for the best on a number of levels. for me, it happened about 14 years ago and while i dont feel pain, i do wonder what the child would have been like.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
17 Jun 10
I think that it probably is more of a fact of wondering who the child would be today more than pain. But it still hurts on the anniversary. You see, had I not had that miscarriage five years ago, I wouldn't have the son that I have today because he was born just a little bit short of nine months after the baby was due.