I am wondering about me today..............

@celticeagle (118286)
Boise, Idaho
July 1, 2010 2:47pm CST
I have been working on my boundaries with my family since this Spring when I had a hard ball(not literally) thrown at me. My daughter surprised me with a very hurtful "Let's get rid of granma" to my granddaughter who immediately came and told me. We had to jump and find us a place to live when my daughter(in the depth of a manic phase) told my granddaugher in a note that she felt her daughter was treating her poorly and so she was moving out of the four year family apartment we had shared and she held lease on. She moved in with her boyfriend. Now she is back in the apartment owing $400 dollars in power bill and trying to feed her son and is all apologetic now. My granddaughter and I moved into a small one bedroom which was all I could afford. My granddaughter(about eight months pregnant) held a part time job up until this week when they supposedly told her they couldn't afford to find someone to cover her route when she goes into labor and so they gave her route to someone else and she could probably come back after she has the baby. This may or may not be the truth of the matter. She came in a couple of days ago and handed me a marriage license, not her babies father. Nice young man. Atleast he is working and seems somewhat responsible. She wants them to live here with me. No, I don't think so! I told her just that today. She should have gotten with some people and decided what they were going to do about living arrangements and life in general before they tied the knot. He is not getting along with his roommate who holds the lease on the apartment he was living in. So, my delimna is this. I feel I am the female dog again in all this when I set up boundaries. I don't think I should have to try to get the landlady/man to put another person on the lease when she has already put three people(baby, her and I) on the lease we hold now. I think the landlord may want to up the rent and I don't want this to happen. I can't trust them to help with the rent. She is living here free as it is. She does the chores and laundry and I am thankful but still I dont need the added stress. I am paying the bills here so I feel I set the rules and the boundaries. I don't feel I am being a louse in any way and I think she is asking one heck of alot of me in all this as it stands and then she brings in another person. What are your thoughts?
4 people like this
9 responses
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
1 Jul 10
It is your apt. & i don't blame u at all. It doesn't seem like it would be big enough to accomadate newlyweds. Children are real good at taking advantage of your kindness & i think that would be taking advantage of u. I found out a long time ago the hard way u have to look after yourself & do whatever it takes to do that. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jul 10
It is hard. I have to stand my ground. She hedges on things she says she is going to do. I get alittle tired of it. But it still makes me feel bad for them. Hard this boundaries thing.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
1 Jul 10
Some times we have to show a little tough love. I think when u let your children take advantage of u , u are doing them more harm than good.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Jul 10
You got that right! But it is tough!
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
3 Jul 10
I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I had a good friend tell me just a couple of days ago in reference to my son that as long as I give like I do..he will take until I have nothing. She had a bout with her daughter so she could relate to what my son has been putting me through. They have a wonderful way of turning things around and making us feel bad after all we do or have done. I have cut mine off and he hates it and takes the chance to make me feel bad or guilty about it every chance he gets. I think my friend is riight and as long as we keep them in our shirt tail...the longer they will depend on us rather than themselves. Stay strong and remember that you aren't being a witch just because you are setting boundaries.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
3 Jul 10
Thanks. Its hard after so many years. I had guardianship of her for many years and alot of problems so now I am hesitant to believe in her. She is doing better but when a young girl choses to use certain whiles to get what she wants and thinks she can use it with me at times I get angry. She is doing alot better now. Being alot more responsible and mature. I think the pregnancy helped with that.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Oh yes..I would say that it did help. As time goes on she will get better too. When the baby comes she will have someone else to think about too. That might cause a huge change in her too.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
2 Jul 10
It owuld be that he would help with bills and that if rent went up he would pay the difference
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Jul 10
that is how I set things down to begin with but then after I gave it some thought I realized I didn't want both of them and the baby there. Thanks.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
2 Jul 10
I do hear ya its hard for other people to live with ya when you have things already set up for 3
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
2 Jul 10
Don't do it,Celtic. It sounds as if you have done more than enough favors for this girl and her child. She is asking far too much for you to take in this man as well. You are not running a homeless shelter are you? It is really kind of you to be helping her out so much at this time but it is ridiculous of her to exdpect you to take in her boyfriend whom you don't really know. I've done this before with my daughters boyfriends and learned....there is almost always a reason why they don't have a place to stay with family or good friends, they are charming (they have to be) and you will have a hard time getting rid of them or future ones once you give in once. I'd rather be a female dog than a trompled on human being.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Jul 10
I hear ya. The boyfriend has gone ahead and payed rent for the next month with his old roomie so that is taken care of. Only because I told her I didn't think it was a good idea and couldn't have him here. Too much! I really don't want to make it totally easy on them either. Not a good way to start out. She knows she has here as a base and he is doing his part so I am rather happy now.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
3 Jul 10
good! glad to hear it! I think you would have regretted it had you given in. Oh and you were not being a female dog. You were just laying some ground rules and there is nothing wrong in that.
@GardenGerty (99477)
• United States
2 Jul 10
I think women of our approximate age have been conditioned to feel bad when we set boundaries or say no. You are not being unreasonable. You are being practical. All of your objections are correct in this case. We just need to remind ourselves that it is alright, and more than alright, to say "No" when necessary. If you do not say no, it will push a little further into your space each time. The young people need to get it together and find a place if they want to be living together.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
2 Jul 10
I agree. It is the generation we were brought up in. I don't want my space pushed into anymore. I just go out of that.
@Hatley (164652)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Jul 10
celticeagle I also think she is really pushing it, how is she and baby and new man and you going to fit into one apartment like that. No she will have to make different arrangements and how come the new hubby cannot do that for pete's sake.you are not being a louse in this at all. She has to begin to face helping herself some. I am sorry about your daughter but what can you do, huh? At least stand your ground on this situation as its your apartment, your money and you do not need one more mouth to feed either. I hope the new man in her life can and will provide for his new family. good luck and God Bless.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (36548)
• Holiday, Florida
1 Jul 10
i know exactly how you feel. my kids have taken advantage of me so many times i could not tell you. so many times ive wished i could be like my mother who never wasted a dime or time on me. anyway, i would tell them to continue as they were living before marriage until they can save enough for a little place of their own. then maybe you can stay with them if have to im sure you've explained the problem to them as you have us here. so, its not your problem. they need to come up with a decent idea to solve it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jul 10
I have told them more than once now. They have gone over to his roomies place tonight so I will have a repreve for 24 hours. YA!
• United States
1 Jul 10
Your very kind hearted and she should be grateful, from the sound of it shes not. My mom told me something long ago that i stand by with my kids. Once your grown your on your own. I left my moms house @ 15 and went back once because i was a single mom and needed help, and all the while i was there her thing was ok get it together missy and get going, lol. I love her for that because it made me get out there and do and get what i needed without depending on people to have my back. sometime you need to send out a little tough love in order for people to get it. You dont want her to be dependent on you forever, And the fact that she is now married makes it even worse beause thats someone else added on.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jul 10
Thanks for your input. Gotta love a mom like that. I had guardianship of my granddaughter from the time she was 3 til she was 16 when she became so unruly I just couldn't do anymore and stay healthy. She has gotten alot better but she is still young and I am trying to be grandma not mom. Hard to set these boundaries.
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
1 Jul 10
I don't think you're being a louse either-it's your apt & you have rules. I know you love your granddaughter but she is married now & she is really her husbands responisibility. He has promised to take care of her & the baby essentially when he married her. I realize people have hard times(I've been through them myself) but that's when you learn to pull yourself up by the boot straps,I know you wouldn't see your grandchild homeless & that's what you could say "x amount of time (like 2 weeks) & y'all need to have your own place" That way you wouldn't need to add anyone else to your lease & it would give her new husband time to have some money. They could at least get a room if not an apt.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118286)
• Boise, Idaho
1 Jul 10
Thank you. I think that is good advice. They are spending afew nights here and then afew night over his friend's so we will see how long that lasts. I just feel torn and don't want to make any waves with the landlord nor do I want the baby to suffer. I need a rubber room where I can go scream.
1 person likes this