Is my father getting possessive?

Philippines
July 2, 2010 6:06pm CST
I was having second thoughts of posting this but I was just wondering what you guys think about my Pop. I grew up with him and my folks are separated so basically, my pop took care of me together with my grandma. Every time I go to my mum's side. He doesn't approve of it. He would have a lot of side comments why I go there since they didnt took care of me. I feel sad coz I'm also trying my best to reach out with my mother's family and relatives since I didn't grow up with them. This Christmas, my mum would be flying here in our country. She lives in the states so we dont live together too. MY father went crazy when he knew that Im going to spend Christmas with her and her family. Is this a sign of being possessive? Ive always been spending the Holidays with my pop for 30 yrs already and why can't he accept that? what do you guys think? It's hard to explain to him at times coz he doesnt seem to understand me.
1 person likes this
14 responses
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
3 Jul 10
Hi Sweethums, Welcome to Mylot! Your dad sounds as if he is still angry at your mom for leaving and maybe not being there for you. Whatever the reason for that is, it was something between your mom and your dad. You have every right to know and spend time with your mom. Your dad sounds still pretty bitter almost as if you should be as angry at her as he is. Reassure your dad that you will miss him on the holidays and that you love him but that you want to get to know the other side of your family. He may not like it but in the end he will come around. You should have a day that you could celebrate Christmas with your dad too...your own special Christmas.
• Philippines
4 Jul 10
Hi there Sid! Thanks for welcoming me here in mylot. Yeah. It does look like my dad is so bitter still with my mum. I'm still decided to spend the holidays with my mum. It's been more than 5 years I think since I last saw her.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
4 Jul 10
That's a long time, Sweethums. I hope you don't let your dad's anger change your mind. He will get over it and you need to spend some time with your mom.
@TheAdvocate (2395)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
Possessive is not the word I would use. He probably feels hurt and abandoned by your mother, and he wants you to empathize with him and hate her and her family too. He thinks that you're sleeping with the enemy and any communication with your mother is betrayal. It's difficult to maintain good relations with both parents when they are separated. Must have been a bad separation as there seems to be residual unresolved anger. Best thing (and also the hardest) is to give them closure.
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
I like your comment. I have to agree. They dont have a good relationship with each other and they both hate each other. I guess both of them got hurt when they decided to part ways. As the only child and daughter it's tough. I don't know if they have plans to reconcile. I am not hoping anymore. I don't want to be disappointed. I used to hate my mum when she left us but when I got older. I knew something was missing and that's my mum. I still want to feel how it's like to have a mum too. My stepmum and I are okay but it's still different because we aren't blood related.
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
I doubt if reconciliation is possible. I think closure is easier. I am sure that there were words left unsaid when they parted. Your position is quite difficult, you're like the only thing that keeps them from getting at its others throats. Added to the fact that you are an only child, it must feel like you are so alone in your corner. My parents are also separated, and it was also a bitter one. My only consolation is that I have brothers so I don't feel alone. I am sorry that I cannot give you concrete advice, but one thing I can tell is that if you decide to get married, get closure on this issue. Otherwise it will be a wound that will fester even the relationship with your husband. Good luck in your journey in life!
@ydb777 (36)
• United States
3 Jul 10
It's not that he doesnt understand you, its just that he loves you and may know things about your other side of the family that he wants to protect you from. I mean, your mom has been an absent parent and he has been responsible for you most of your life. I have an 18 year old daughter, and I have kept her away from her dad's side of the family, not because I was being possessive, but there were things about them that I knew if she spent to much time with them could rub off on her and I just did not want that. Now she is 18 years old now and can decide for her own if she would like to visit with them and she actually has, but I do feel that I have instilled enough good character in her now that she can make wise decisions concearning them. Try to look at it from your father's view. He may not know how to express himself in a way that you will know where he is coming from. But believe me, it is from love. And please don't let this make you rebell against him.
• Philippines
5 Jul 10
I like what you said. I believe you are a good parent and you sound very understanding. You let your daughter decide and be independent. Dont worry I wont rebel. I love my dad too much I dont want him to be hurt that's why I am very careful when it comes to this issues. I know he's sensitive about it. My mom thinks though that my dad brainwashed me from not seeing her when I was younger. I think my dad just did the same way you did. I understand but I hope he would open up his mind now that I am all grown up. Good day!
@ynalane (105)
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
Give him some time to move on, He still feeling bitter on what happen, You as his daughter must be the one to understand him. Give him some time. For now you can talk to your mother or seeing her without the knowledge of your father, explain to your mother that you cannot stay long. There is nothing wrong with the white lies for the benefit of other feeling for not getting hurt. Then little by little explain to your father that he have to move on,to get ease the situation of the 3 of you. Encourage him to set aside the grudges,If he will do it he will feeling better.Now is the time to do your part sweetthums. Be a peacemaker between your parents. GOODLUCK.
• Philippines
4 Jul 10
It's been a long time, dont you think? But I am trying my best to understand and be patient to my dad of course. I just hope he would move on and accept that I've grown now and I have all the right to go with whom I like of course. I am trying my best to visit him from time to time so that he wouldnt feel that I have forgotten him and my family. Thanks for your nice words =)
• Italy
3 Jul 10
There will never be a right or wrong answers to this kind of questions, I think. Divorced parents always have a different way to react to things, and this is another proof. I don't think he's being possessive though, I think he may fear you would eventually leave him and go to live with your mother when you'll grow more attachment to her. I think you should explain to him that you feel the need to know them and her family, since she's a part of your life that remained totally obscure to you for 30 years, though that doesn't mean you're going to leave him.
• Philippines
7 Jul 10
Thanks for your comment. I hope he would fear. I would never leave him even though I live far from him. He will always be in my heart. Daddy's girl. haha
@cupkitties (7473)
• United States
3 Jul 10
He's not possessive. He just feels betrayed and he doesn't want you to get hurt. I mean where was mom at that whole time and in what way did she help take care of you growing up? As a parent who is raising two girls on her own I can kind of relate to your dads feeling but I also grew up without my mom so I can relate to the need to know where I came from. Have you explained that to your dad? It might help to get him to reverse sides with you so he can imagine himself in your position then he might have a better understanding.
• Philippines
4 Jul 10
Yeah I think he feels betrayed too coz he would always tell me. where was she when you were growing up. So he thinks he has the only right to be with me.. For my mum, she thinks my dad was so selfish because while I was growing up, I didnt want to see her coz my dad would always tell me, I wouldnt see him anymore and as a kid. I was afraid. hahhah.
• China
3 Jul 10
I think your father is really possessive.But if you wanna solve the problem,you still need to let him understand what you are thinking about and that what he does is wrong.Oh~It's difficult but good luck to you~
• Philippines
4 Jul 10
Thanks Lys. It's kinda difficult for my part since I am their only daughter/child.
• Philippines
3 Jul 10
lots of dad are like that they wont listen or they just dont want to understand coz your his daughter,,they act as if like they know everything in but they dont,,i think its right for you to reach your mum/relatives so that you can know your cousin in mother side.. as for your dad maybe they have some unfinished business.. yah i think your dad is kinda possessive.... at least he will and try to understand that she is your mother and you have the right to reach out to you mother,,for me there is no problem with it
• Philippines
4 Jul 10
I am really trying my best to reach out to her. I was so young when my mum left and I want to rekindle our relationship and hoping it would be as close as my dad if possible although, it would take time of course.
@laniekins (4585)
• Philippines
24 Jul 10
It think so, you cant blame your father but he should let you spend time with your mother. No matter the reason of their breaking up, he should let you love your mother and her family.
@bkrm_gupt (220)
• India
23 Jul 10
Ya i think your father is bit possessive.so try to convince your father that you want to get closer to your mom.Any way best of luck.
@will_win (222)
• India
23 Jul 10
From my point of view ,Your father is still angry with your mother or their maybe some reason that he cant forget throughout his life.For that you should ask him and solve the problem if you wants to get closer to your mother.
@denise36 (128)
• United States
21 Jul 10
I think protective is a better description of what your dad is being. He may also be hurt and feel like you are abadnonding him, which of course is not the case. Getting to know your mom is a desire he should understand but when you love your child, ration does not always play into it. Maybe he sees your mom as abanddoning not only him but you and he is having trouble understanding why you would forgive her when he can't. Just a theory.
@MAllen400 (830)
11 Jul 10
Hi although it seems they dont like each other I am sure they all love you very much and perhaps you could work on this and ask both to get along for a couple of hours so that you can enjoy C hristmas altogether. Maybe your mum would be easier to get to be with him and then you could tell him that your mum is willing for you all to put the past behind you, even for a few hours. It sounds as if he is in a rut and not let the years heal things but if they meet again might be different.
3 Jul 10
That really is a delicate situation you're in sweethums, and it does seem your father has become possessive but probably only because since he's been living with you for 30 years, excluding your mum and her family, he probably sees her as a sort of stranger to both him and you, and is probably worried for you in the way that parents do, although you're probably his only really close family and when you leave to go and spend time with your mum, he probably recognised that he would be feeling lonely and probably may feel slightly betrayed as you said that he becomes annoyed and tells you that your mother and her family didn't take care of you so there could be the sense that he feels you owe your attention to him because he took care of you and she didn't. I'd say that your best shot at winning him over to your side of reasoning would be telling him that you love him, you do feel that you're closer to him and grateful to him too for what he's done for you, and that if anything, your strengthened relationship with your mum and her family won't affect your relationship with him, and he will take time to come around that but he will understand that you have more than just one parent in your life, and it's time that the other finally deserves some attention.