Complaints

United States
July 5, 2010 3:06pm CST
I have a really good friend who also happens to be a neighbor, our sons are best friends, our husbands also get along very well. The problem is my friend complains all the time, and it really brings me down. I do not know what to do, I will not stop being friends with her, she is a really good person and a caring person, but she complains about everything, and she really does not realize how much she does it. Sometimes I just want to yell at her to shut up, I know is not the right thing but I want to. Does anyone have any advice for me with this situation?
1 person likes this
7 responses
@Neicy30 (56)
• United States
6 Jul 10
I have a friend who used to be that way. Thank God she is no longer like that. Like you i would listen while she would go on and on. I've been friends with her for 20 years, so she is like a sister to me but it really does drain you when listening to a person who is just miserable and never has anything good going on. I would let her vent but always stay positive with her and try to point out the positive things that she did have going on. I would suggest to her that if all she see's are the negative things going on in her life, she will never be able to point out the positive things. We are blessed every day but some people are too negative to acknowledge those blessings. Getting a close parking at walmart is a blessing. Waking up in the morning is a blessing. As annoying and draining she was, i would never give up being positive with her. I am thankful to say that she has finally seen the light!! lol. After years and years of talking to her about changing her mindset to a positive one, she has finally done it and called me to thank me for never giving up on her and not allowing her to soak in her own misery. That's what miserable people look for, they complain and look for pity. Misery loves company! I never gave her that. I would tell her that her negative mindset attracted all of those negative things. I know she would get annoyed with me and my positivity but i didn't care. I love her and i refused to swim in her self pity. I encouraged her and told her things would get better but she needed to stop complaining about all the wrong things going on but acknowledge all the good things in life. Not until she did that would things change for her and i thank God that they finally did. I know it's frustrating but try to be that positive energy for her. Not only speak it but live it and live by example. When you have a positive mindset, you live a positive life. Your friend needs positive people to help her get there.
• United States
6 Jul 10
Oh Lord I know my friend now for about 16 years and she has not changed a bit. I have tried immensely to give her as much positive encouragement as possible and I can sense that during the conversation. But then I turn around and she does exactly the opposite. It never fails. I enjoy her a loyal friend but my goodness it has been an absolute chore to talk to her on the phone. So I began the new strategy to tell her exactly what I felt about her complaining, I could sense she was uncomfortable with the truth, and I tried within my power to be as gentle as possible so she disappeared for about a week to then receive her call about a long list of complaints so she obviously enjoys the drama. She must crave the attention. I just have been going through a really difficult time in my life for the last seven months that I just cannot tolerate nonsense. I will talk to her again and she will be herself as always. She will complain, complain and complain and well I will have no choice but to listen. LOL
• United States
6 Jul 10
Oh wow. Then i definitely understand your frustration. I have a sibling like that and it's to the point that i can not be around him long periods of time because he is such a negative person and drains all my positivity away. Ultimately your life is more important and although you love and cherish your friend, your health is more important and stress is a huge factor for bad health. There are some people who do love the drama and just can't see anything in a positive way. Those are the people that you have to keep at arms length. You do your best in loving them from a distance. I know my brother complains about me not coming around as much as he would like, i try to keep it just at family functions even though he lives down the road from me but not only is he negative, he is SUPER sensitive so me telling him i stay away because of his negative ways for one he won't understand and two he'll catch feelings behind that. The truth does hurt and for some people holds no weight. So things never change. I love my brother but i can not deal with his negative ways. You just might have to do your best in distancing yourself from her. You are busy, make things up if she knocks on the door, grab the phone and pretend your on the phone, just make sure you have it on and a call doesn't come in! Lol.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Neicy30- I actually have never tried to point out the positive to her, because I thought it was so obvious to me and everyone else that she is blessed more than most. Maybe she just needs someone to remind her at point it out more and then she might be a little more thankful, and stop acting so selfish.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Jul 10
If she complains it she is making her own life miserable. We would definitley feel bad when a friend is making herself unhappy and we can at best offer her a shoulder if the complaint is genuine.Do not lose your patience because your friendship would be lost. Change the topic and talk about other good things; tell her to do it. he will follow suit if she values your friendship.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
7 Jul 10
Sorry for the typo-read'she' for'he'.
• United States
10 Jul 10
I think maybe I am going to give her a copy of the book the Secret. It really teaches you about your mind set. The more negativity you surround yourself with, the more negativity will surround you. So I am going to try to show her with my actions and my positive outlook.
@LadyMarissa (12161)
• United States
5 Jul 10
Sounds like your friend is my best friend!!! She has a WONDERFUL life, yet she complains constantly because she can't control EVERYTHING going on in her life!!! If the sun comes up, it didn't rise at the exact right moment. She's waited 20 years for her boyfriend to ask her to marry him. He finally does & she says NO because she didn't like when he asked her. Sometimes when you're a good friend, you just have to tell your friend what bugs you. I got to where I avoided being around my friend because I felt so sad after spending time with her. She was complaining one night at dinner that ALL her friends had abandoned her. I said to her Excuuuuuse me, I thought I was your friend. Maybe the others just got tired of your incessant whining. You have a GREAT life & instead of appreciating it, you biitch it's not good enough. You have a GREAT job, loving children, a boyfriend who treats you with respect. You have NOTHING to complain about!!!! She looked at me like I had lost my mind & said Is it that bad??? Of course I responded with an UmHmmmm. She was a little cool towards me for a few days, but then she called & invited me to lunch. We had a WONDERFUL time with absolutely NO whining!!! She hugged my neck & thanked me for being a good friend. She admitted that she didn't always like what I said to her, but she did appreciate my honesty. Her attitude totally changed after that & I now enjoy being around her!!! So, have you tried the straight forward approach??? If she quits talking to you, she's NOT a very good friends to begin with!!! If she's really your friend, she will take it with ALL the love you mean it to have!!! Good luck with your friend!!!!
• United States
6 Jul 10
That is exactly how I feel about my friend, she has a really good life, money in the bank, wonderful husband, chose and is able to be a stay at home mom for 3 adorable children. If her husband does not come home right when she thinks he should, she gets mad at him, as if he was having a great time staying at work. I think maybe I could do something like the next time I find myself hanging out with her, say tonight is a no whine night, we can't complain about anyone, and then maybe she will think I am talking about myself as well. I certainly would not want to lose her friendship over this.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12161)
• United States
6 Jul 10
THANK YOU FOR THE BR!!! If you lose her friendship over a bit of honesty, she's NOT really a friend. Maybe just say honestly to her I don't understand why you're so unhappy. I wish I had your life. Maybe that could open up a dialogue where you can understand why she feels the way she does & you can calmly tell her why you disagree. You BOTH might learn something new!!! The worst that can happen is you might have to apologize for hurting her feelings. Sometimes disagreements brings us closer together!!!
@maiaman (97)
• Philippines
7 Jul 10
Have you ever tried telling her that she complains a lot? I mean if you're really good friends you should be able to be honest with her about your feelings, besides if it affects you then she should know. Turn whatever it is that she is complaining about into something funny and that will be your joke of the day. In that way you put a positive spin into something so negative, that will prevent you from getting down after a visit from your friend.
• United States
10 Jul 10
I have not tried just calling her out on it. I love the idea of turn one of her complaints into a joke, that we can laugh about, instead of all of us feeding on all of the negativity.
• United States
6 Jul 10
Like OMG, do we know that same person. LOL.... I have a friend like that also, and it really gets to me on most days. Fortunately for me we are not neighbors so I do not have to see her as often as you with yours. However, it does not matter the day, time or year that is all that comes out of her mouth. One complaint after another, it seems that her life is completely filled with drama. I have had one heck of a tough year and am very fragile when it comes to listening to other peoples problems, mainly because I am under a state of a nervous break down. This friend of my mine knows exactly what I am dealing with but yet she will call me three to four times a day. Blah, blah, blah blah blah... I too do not want to hurt her feelings but it drives me nuts. I finally decided that when she calls I just won't answer. I did not think I would hold out too long but it has been about 2 months that I have not responded to her calls. I feel horrible about it as she is a good friend but my mental state is very weak right now and I can't handle it. I mean one time I told her exactly how I felt and she immediately ended the call. Which told me that she is going to do what she wants no matter what. The truth hurts and I am not one to instantly cause pain. But I just couldn't take it. Well she finally called me back after two weeks and acted as if nothing was wrong and continued with her complaining ways about other things. So these type of people it just doesn't help. They are going to do what they are going to do, no matter what. I suppose since your friend is a neighbor you can't avoid her forever, but maybe when she begins to complain, take the opportunity to excuse yourself and leave for the moment. Reason I say this is because I miss my friend but I have no tolerance right now for the babble about silly nothing. Good Luck to you and your friend, maybe she will run of gas and not complain so much. LOL... had to throw in a cheery note.
• United States
6 Jul 10
I think you and I have a lot in common, I think because the stuff going on for me is really challenging and have been ongoing for about a year. The stuff she complains about is so trivial, like how she wants to re-design something in her house, which is not even necessary. I did just yesterday, excused myself, and came home, so I did not have to listen to it anymore.
@rosie230 (1674)
5 Jul 10
I have a friend who is kind of the same. Except all she moans about his her health problems, but believe me, although she does have some health issues, she does play on it a lot. Everytime I talk to her, she has a new illness, or something is always wrong with her, it gets boring after a while as it just seems she has nothing else to talk about. She moans and moans, and it really does get on my nerves, but she is a friend so I listen. I think the only thing you can do, like I do myself in this situation is try and change the subject, another thing I do is make a joke of it, only if you can though, some people do not have a sense of humour. If she has a sense of humour then you could say something like "Your always moaning" or something like that, but saying it in a joking way so you don't cause offence or start an argument. If it carries on like this, and you really do feel like you will end up losing it and telling her to shut up, the only other thing to do is try not to see her as much (I know being a neighbour would be hard), or just tell her how you feel. Good Luck though!
• United States
6 Jul 10
It's funny, I have thought about telling her to shut up and would never want to and cause a fight or anything, but I have not ever thought about saying something to her about it in a joking way. Like one day just saying to her it must be hard to never be satisfied with anything, your husband, your house or your kids, that must be hard to deal with.
• Philippines
5 Jul 10
Don't yell at her. It'll just worsen the situation. Just keep quiet while she complains. Or you can ask her if it ever occured to her that she's always complaining. Maybe she hasn't noticed herself recently.
• United States
6 Jul 10
I agree, I definitely won't yell at her. I really would like to say something to her because I really do not think she realizes how much she does it. I sometimes wish I could tape her for one hour and play it back, and then she would understand how much she does it.