When is jealousy constructive and destructive?

Philippines
July 9, 2010 6:03am CST
You cannot really set aside jealousy from a relationship. Every guy or girl could get jealous which may vary according to intensity. In my case, I can get really jealous even though I know that I trust my guy. I don't know why but I just can't help feeling jealous everytime he does his signature moves (joking that he's interested when a new girl is around... take note, he's just fooling around)... I know that sometimes i get jealous too much that it annoys him though we both know that he's not doing anything wrong. on the other hand, i may be thinking that jealousy is one of the things that could say you really love your partner because you don't want to lose him/her. With this situation, can you say that this is constructive (positive) or destructive (negative)? i would really appreciate your response on this, with your advices as well... tia
7 responses
• United States
10 Jul 10
Jealously is a slippery slope. On one hand, there can be healthy feelings of jealousy. it is only natural. Jealously is an emotion that becomes present when your insecure; or when you have a reason to be jealous. If your instincts are telling you something not right is going on that is a different story. Would your man be comfortable with everything in your relationship if the tables were turned? If you "jokingly" made those kind of comments about a new guy would he like it? Some people can deal with those kinds of comments and not let it bother them. But it bothers you; that is the point. I personally think he if knows it bothers you he is being disrespectful. Just because he is a great guy and treats you great besides this issue; doesn't mean you can't tell him to stop. Would he really be loosing something by stopping? For example: If he hated when you made comments about a certain topic he didn't like (example, girl issues, celebrities) if he told you it really bothered him and to please stop making those "type" of comments wouldn't you stop? Another reason your probably jealous is if he makes those comments in ear shot of other females. A lot of girls will probably interpret that as your man not respecting you. If you were around one of your girlfriends and her man said something "joking" or not about another girl in front of her what would you think about; in terms of how much your friends boyfriend respected her. It is not that big of deal for him to quit doing it. If you talk to him about it and he says he isn't going to stop cause that is "who he is" I would ask myself if "jokingly saying other women are hot" defines him as a person. p.s- I am not saying he is a bad guy, he just needs to respect this request.
• Philippines
13 Jul 10
your reply is highly appreciated. this gave me an idea of how to really act properly when this incident happens to us, and i think i woud know exactly what to tell him the next time around! thanks again!
• Australia
10 Jul 10
Jealousy, while it can be constructive in certain situations, isn't always a healthy thing. If my boyfriend was to joke on me like that one too many times, I would be inclined to give him a taste of his own medicine and do the same back to him because to me it is just a way for them to try and control you and get a reation that makes them feel good about themselves. Why not just say instead, I love you babe and give you the option to say something nice and loving back to them.
• Philippines
13 Jul 10
i agree with you. i think he's just asking an assurance from me. probably he wanted himself to become confident that won't lose me, or i'll get angry if someone would try to steal him from me. anyway, i always try my best to be as sweet and caring as i can so he won't feel that i'm being detached from him.
• Portugal
9 Jul 10
i think jealous are constructive when you feel it just sometimes bcs sure you dont want to lose your bf but when people get obsessed with it and are always jealous of everything and sometimes without reason for it then it is destructive. like if someone tells you ohh i saw your bf with this girl other day holding hands. and you start to like follow your bf around and everytime you are with him you yell and say you know he is cheating. and then you find out this girl was his cousin or something. sometimes people see things that are not the reality and become obsessed and relations are destroyed. also when your bf like cheated you already and he tells you and you forgive him after awhile. then you see him talking with a girl maybe it would also make you jealous and at some point maybe you would have probs with relation. there are many ways of destructive jealous. also those girls that have a very handsome bf that always have girls around some are really very jealous and sometimes he really loved his gf and she lost him bcs of a lack of trust. but you and your bf i see your relationship is healthy^^ you have normal jealous nothing special so dont worry^^ for sure your relation will last forever^^
• Philippines
12 Jul 10
thanks for the encouragement! well, i am worrying that my jealousy could be too much for him that he will get tired of it someday. i just hope you're right, because if not, our baby will suffer the consequences and i don't want that to happen...
@Genericbe (1379)
• Philippines
11 Jul 10
hi ara, Jealousy can be termed constructive if this will make you improve yourself as a person. Meaning, you know how to use and set off jealousy in a relationship. When out of jealousy, you are able to realize the things you need for your partner to love you more and be a healthy one for you and your relationship. Jealousy is destructive if you cannot think fairly the situation and manage to solve the problem in your partner. When you cannot control yourself thereby causing negative input to other people that may lead you, your partner and your relationship in the worst scenario you could not imagine. This kind of jealousy, tend to destroy slowly as a person, your esteem and your trust in your partner. Never been healthy at all cost.. Though you have good reasons for being jealous, still it will never be a good output if you are not able to control your emotions and intentionally hurt the one you love at all cost. It is better to tell your partner the feelings you have and what you like and don't like so that he know if you will be hurt and avoid unwanted instances that can affect your relationship as well and the good company you have together. HAppy mylotting
• Romania
9 Jul 10
Well arahvm...its a good way to being a little distant from relationship and see all with another eyes...being a little objective. for that, you gotta see the white point in a black situatuion. if your partner is making jokes about anothers girls just to make you a little jealous, its not a bad thing. you gotta see this like a game. maybe he try to obtain more attention from you. :)
• United Arab Emirates
9 Jul 10
In the begining of a realtionship jealousy is constructive.It hels to keep the relations in place. But if it is not controlled and carries on foward with the realtion the jealousy turns into doubt and this is destructive. Once it turns into doubt it is very difficult to handle things.
• United Arab Emirates
9 Jul 10
In the begining of a realtionship jealousy is constructive.It hels to keep the relations in place. But if it is not controlled and carries on foward with the realtion the jealousy turns into doubt and this is destructive. Once it turns into doubt it is very difficult to handle things.