I want to forgive her...But how?

United States
July 9, 2010 7:56pm CST
My mother has caused me a lot of pain emotionally through the years. She has made me feel small and unworthy. She has always looked at and treated my younger sister very different than me, my family see's this too. Whenever she comes to my home she is always looking down on every little thing, she doesn't think it's clean enough or nice enough. She treats me like I am never good enough and anything I do is not good enough for her standards. She looks down on the man I married, she can't stand him although she acts sweet as pie to his face. Which drives me crazy! He is an amazing husband and father to my kids. He has been so good to my parents, he has given them money, built a deck for them, and put's my dad to work whenever he can. She even talks crap about my dog! She is always telling me I should get rid of him because he chews on things (He's a lab and only 9 months old). Which is normal for this breed and for being a puppy. I have tried to talk to her about how I am feeling and she tells me that I am too defensive and goes on to say how much her children hurt her. Anyway, I am wondering if there is a way to forgive my mother although I am hurt and angry? How do I go about forgiving her? I know God says to forgive and you will be forgiven... How do I forgive the woman who has been causing me pain all of my life? Thoughts please... Thank You =)
2 people like this
18 responses
• United States
12 Jul 10
I can totally relate to what you are talking about. My mom doesn't compare exactly to what you are saying but she still nonetheless has the same issues. My mom has always treated me like poo. She treats my little sister that way too but mainly me because I am the oldest. I can't tell you how many times I heard that I wasn't contributing to the household chores, even at 20 years old as a full time student and working part time. She would constantly criticize every thing that I did and told me I was lazy. She, on the other hand, does not work and used to sleep all day. My guess is that she had depression issues or something. I honestly don't know. I moved out finally and then got married and all that jazz. I was 4 months pregnant with our son and we hit some financial hardships and had to move out of our home. We stayed with my mom after she pretty much begged us to let her help us. She told us we would be taken care of and that all of our money could be used to help save for our baby but instead, after living there for about a week, she confronted me to ask when I was going to pay the rent. I was like, "WHAT?" and so we had this huge argument about it and my husband and I ended up paying her $100 a month. Then she kept making me get her eggs and milk with MY Wic but constantly keep us from being able to eat "her food". It was much worse than what I am telling you, but I would be here all day. Most of the family has come to the conclusion that she has a mental problem. One minute she's nice, the next she isn't. She lies about everything, even small mediocre things. I understand what you mean about forgiving your mom. I constantly have to remember that we are supposed to by God's standards. I strive so hard to be like Jesus and it really is hard sometimes but just keep praying about it and know that you are being the child that God wants you to be and only his opinion matters. Don't let her ruin your life because she is unhappy. You obviously have a great life and she's just jealous that she didn't do a better job as your mom. That's what people tell me all the time. Sorry that I was so long winded. If you made it this far, God bless you.
• United States
13 Jul 10
I think we have the same mom. lol But yeah, my mom would do the same thing. She'd talk about how stupid we were to get the house we had because the rent was way too high to begin with and we should have never moved there. We stayed with my mom for 4 LONG months until about 2 weeks before our son was due, I couldn't bare it anymore. Several times I thought I was going to miscarry or something because when I would get stressed out, so would he and he'd kick me and just make me feel queasy. I would have people come pick me up while my husband was at work just so that I could get out of the house. One of the worst parts about it was that my mom didn't want to turn the air on and we had the hottest room in the house despite the ceiling fan and other fan we had. It would be literally 85 degrees in the coolest part of the house and about 90 or so in our room. And being pregnant at the same time was no fun. We got out though, we moved on and now she can't control anything that I do anymore. Trust me when I say you have someone that has been there although I couldn't imagine going through it with 2 kids as well. God bless you and let me know if you ever want to chat. =)
• United States
11 Jul 10
This is very difficult. I have had absolutely no communication with my own mother for about 21 years. She and I live in the same city and not too far from one another. She live a life that I just could not approve of and have in my children's lives. I think back sometimes and wished thing were different but they are not. I ran into her this early January and she walked by m as if I just did not exist. I had to make this difficult decision 21 years ago as it was so unhealthy for me. Sometimes I think what if my children estranged me this way. I would die. However they would have no merit for it as I have given them all the healthy love and support beyond my means. So I know how you are feeling and hope things were also different for you, but on the other hand I do understand more so than anyone who has never done through this.
• United States
11 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) That's sad that she walked right by you and didn't even say anything. I would hate for my children to feel about me the way I feel about my mother however, I am not going to treat them the way I have been treated. You do understand and thank you! =)
• United States
12 Jul 10
You are very welcome! It is especially sad for me as I am struggling with a great number of things in life right now and do not have her to turn to for help. But you are right I raised my children to love me as I love them completely unconditionally. Blessings to you and your children. May you all be filled with lots of Love.
@coolblu (53)
• United States
10 Jul 10
My advise to you is too sit down and write a letter to your mom on how you feel then telling her. Sometimes a letter touches their heart a little more because they can read it more often. In that letter you can also say to her that you forgive her for everything is put you through during your life then let it go. If that doesn't work then maybe staying away from them for a while to let them see that your hurt my what they're doing to you and your family. I hope the best for you and your family.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Other thing you could do when she visits you or you go to there house type it all and then she can hear what she is doing. I wish there was an easier way to help. Pray about it. My other suggestion would be just don't talk to her for a while and see what happens. Look at it this way you and your husband are great parents to your children and no one can put that down not even your mom. Just remind yourself everyday how lucky you are to have them in your life and say so to whatever your mom says and you and your husband. I wish I had a mom but she passed away when I turned 10. I do have 4 wonderful children..
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) A long time ago, I did write her a letter explaining how I felt. Unfortunately, instead of getting what I was saying and changing all she said was you wrote a letter instead of talking to me about it? Then went on to say, look at this my daughter can't even talk to me to my face... =)
@censae (72)
• United States
15 Jul 10
Clearly,your mother should carry this burden not you. It seems that she is the one who is missing out on those things that a wonderful daughter can give. You are talking about forgiveness rather than retaliation. That makes you a wonderful person. Do not nourish this abuse. You have to do the right thing and lay it in her lap. Maybe she will never be able to recognize how her behavior and responses hurt you. You are her daughter and worthy of respect.It is not your rsponsibility to prove it to her. Tell her how she has made you feel all of your life. Do not break it down in spoonfuls every time there is an incident. Your responsibilty and it seems your spiritual instruction, to tell her that you forgive her. Tell her to her face. You are not TRYING to forgive her. Tell her you forgive her with your mouth. Tell her that you really do not want to hear her negative comments about your husband, children, living style, pets, friends or ideas. You can not tell people what to think, but you certainly can decide not to her it or give it life. Let your mother carry her own demons. You have carried them all of your life, ENOUGH!!!! Let God do the rest.
@censae (72)
• United States
15 Jul 10
...not to hear it...
@Ezra710 (135)
• United States
10 Jul 10
An apostle asked Jesus hiw many times he should forgive someon. Is seven times enough? Jesus answered that you should forgive them 7 times 70. Due to our human nature, true forgiveness is something that is very hard to do. Being unforgiving will lead to resentments and grudges which actually interfere with our wellness. It can consume us and it takes up valuable emotional resources.In my personal experience I have learned that by praying for that person actually helps rid myself of any resentments that are trying to develop. Pray everyday for this person. Force yourself. Ask God to bless them with more than you have, pray for their good health and well being. Pray for good things for them. If you are consistent and persistent you should begin to notice a change within yourself after 2 weeks. It may take longer depending on how long this has been on your mind. Be persistent. It could take longer than 2 weeks, just trust God and pray. It has worked for me and not just on one occasion. The goal is total forgiveness,and I mean total. It is very hard but it can be done. I also recommend reading Total Forgiveness written by R.T. Kendall. I found it to be an invaluable tool in learning how to forgive others. Remember what our Lord has said about forgiveness. I you cannot forgive others, how is it that I will be able to forgive you. I add you in my prayers lilangelpreschool.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) Yes, I remember hearing that in church. I am going to pray for her more often, not really so much for her but more so I can forgive her. They are having a lot of money problems and I honestly believe it is from all of the wrong doing's in their lives. I am not trying to say God has punished them but I am saying that they have turned so far away from God so that's why their having these problems. I still feel bad their going through this, in a way my human nature wants to come out and say your having such a hard time because you have wronged so many but I don't. Thank you for the prayers and I will forgive =)
@Memnon (2170)
10 Jul 10
I have a similar problem with my father. I never achieve enough. My partner is a gold digger (odd since we are tight on money). Our house is not as good as his, and so forth. Eight years ago he decided to visit me with the same lecture again. I told him where to shove his opinion, and changed my telephone number. Since then we have moved, and he is unaware of the address. That is how it is going to remain. Not very forgiving, I know, but there is a point where you have had enough. Since I was treated worse than this during my childhood, I have no regret in shutting, locking and bolting the door, with a dresser propped against it for good measure.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) I'm so glad people understand this and are right there with me! I don't blame you for doing what you did, I only wish I had that much courage. For some reason, I end up being the one that feels bad for her!! Crazy I know... =)
@Memnon (2170)
10 Jul 10
Nothing crazy about the way you feel. We all deal with these things differently. The important thing is that people do understand. helps a lot. T/C.
@34momma (13882)
• United States
10 Jul 10
the only way to forgive her is to do just that... forgive her. to forgive her doesn't mean you now become best friends. it doesn't mean that what she did was ok. forgiving her means that you get to move on with your life. it means that she no longer holds you hostage in your pass.... write her letter telling her how you feel. tell her all about the hurt she caused you. you don't need to send it to her, you just need to write it down and move passed it
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thank you for your response =) Your right, I do need to write a letter and get it out. I wouldn't send it to her but since I love writing and it makes me feel peaceful maybe this would be a good way to forgive her. =)
@koalatbs (2229)
• United States
10 Jul 10
I am really sorry. Has she always acted this way towards you? If so, it doesn't seem like it has any chance of changing on it's own and since you've talked to her about it but still no results you might want to consider counseling. If she won't go, then maybe you can go alone just so you can find better ways to deal with the situation with how she treats you and your family, including your puppy.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) She has always been this way to me. No matter what I do or say she finds something bad about it. I can barely breathe the right way in her eyes! I can try counseling, I don't know if she'll go but I can try. =)
@gmkk1986 (471)
• India
10 Jul 10
Love is more powerful than any thing.. as you said god said forgive others and you will be forgiven will be possible if you love the situations you face every time. Hope the same kind of situation. If you love more.. and one day surely your mother confess and she will know how badly you hurt by her. Silence & smile is more powerful tool to forgive others. Use this while you get situation with your mother.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) I will try that! =)
• China
10 Jul 10
If I were you , I can not bear her actions . Though she is your mother , she have no right to look down on you and your family . So you can keep a distance with her , because of her behaviors . For example , you can seldom meet her every year .
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thank you =) That is the next step if nothing else is going to work. =)
10 Jul 10
I was looked down once but not like that, but though what i can say is that, she's still your mother and maybe she's doing that to persuade u more to perfection.In other words your mom is a perfectionist, but her perfectionism got a little over board that she's squeezing you out of something that hurts you and people around you. All the best you can do is to talk to her on what does she really want to come out of you and try to help her change her personality on looking down upon others, cause you know she'll end up in despair in the end without cure.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) She is trying to make me perfect, to bad I am not perfect neither is she. She just hasn't realized that yet. I know people that really haven't liked my mother at all because they saw right through her "fakeness". =)
• Indonesia
10 Jul 10
I try to understand, you have a very difficult situation. She is your mother, the one who has given birth to and raise you to adulthood... alot of love and service that will not be returned or replaced. I think you must be patience and subtly avoid to direct contact with her, not mean keep away but try to have a long distance relation with her, so she can not complain as often as this frequent complain.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) I am going to try to put some distance between ourselves for a while. =)
• Spain
10 Jul 10
tell her how you feel and when she talks back tell her to shut up and listen and tell her what u told us
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks =) I wish I was that brave! I am the one she can talk down too like this and will take it. She doesn't do this to my younger sis because she knows she won't put up with it. I always feel so guilty though =( I wish for one day I wouldn't feel bad or guilty for one single thing! =)
• Malaysia
10 Jul 10
If you wan try to forgive her, then go talk to her about what she had done that make you so upset. You should let her know, hear and understood your perspective. Besides that, you can try to understand her perspective even though you didnt agree it at all. All of these can help you to have a decision to forgive her^^
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thanks for your response =) I don't agree with her because I am a mother myself! I know how I treat my children and 100% honesty right now is I do not love one child more than the other. I cannot imagine my life without any one of my children! I have tried to talk to her, it hasn't worked yet. =)
@funorb12 (456)
• United States
10 Jul 10
I, unfortunately have a mother like yours. Ever since I grew up as a little child, I was a mere runt to her. Even though she thinks I am not good enough for her standards, she herself, isn't good enough for mine in retrospect, but I never think of it that way. Even though she has a lower education than me, I never mention my feelings, cause I know it would just be a cry in the shallow abyss. I don't think your mother would understand your forgiveness. You in her heart could always forgive her, but stubborn women cannot acknowledge that they were treating someone wrongly. They feel they are fair, and whatever they say is more valuable than anyone else.
• United States
10 Jul 10
Thank you for your response and for your understanding of the situation =) I am so glad I am not the only person with a mother like this. I hope and pray I never treat my children the way she's treated me through the years. I don't think I ever will, I love all of my children more than anything. It just blows my mind how she thinks she does everything right. She thinks everyone should be so nice to her, why? =)
@sweetbit (75)
• Philippines
11 Jul 10
Hi there lilangelspreschool. These things i have just read from your post are heartbreaking. And you are really hurting. I am mother of two and I would not want my kids to feel that way. This makes me wonder why is your mom like that. Everything has a reason to it. Okay, so when you talk to her all she says are you're all too defensive and that her children hurt her? Are there other things she mentions? Have you asked why is she that way to your husband or why does not like some things you do? I know that your feeling as a daughter now is sickening after what you are experiencing with your mom. If you can, could you coaxed your mom as to why she is acting the way she is around you? Is she going through something she doesn't want anyone to know about? Maybe her outbursts are signs of seeking attention, maybe she is going through something in her life that she can't seem to handle on her own right now. And her restlessness may be pouring out on the people around her. Why won't you try to talk to her. But if that isn't the case and her actions perpetuate, your main concern right now is your own family and keep them from seeing these kind of treatment of you from your mom as this will be unhealthy for your children. They may pick up this kind of attitude from your mom. You are a mom, and you wouldn't want to expose your family to that kind of treatment. One thing more, love yourself. Be proud of things you have achieved. If other people frown upon these, drop it. Don't get bothered by their criticisms especially if it can't help you or your family in a positive way. Learning to love oneself will create inner peace. Now to forgive or not to? If your mother's actions persists which will mean she is really the way you have described her, this time acceptance is the best. This is not a remedy or an alternative to your dilemma "why my mom is like this, like that"... This means that you will accept whatever she is in your life. Like what I said before, don't expose your family to that kind of attitude. That's one way of working around it. However you want her out of your life, she is still family. You just have to be firm with what you want for your family now. Now, this has been a very long thread already. I hope i was able to help somehow on understanding your situation. Be strong lilangelsprepschool for your family. Have a great day!
@jonnah91 (63)
• Philippines
17 Jul 10
No matter how hard it is to forgive your mother, you need to understand that she's your mom whatever happens. Take your time. Maybe, she's not showy enough but she knows deep inside that she loves you and cares for you anyways.
@bkrm_gupt (219)
• India
28 Jul 10
Seems to me 'FORGIVENESS' sort of implies acknowledgement from the forgiven party which seems clearly is not to be expected in this case.