Trust in a relationship
By talithe
@talithe (38)
United States
July 15, 2010 11:05pm CST
I recently talked with a friend about trust issues in relationships. I've been battling trust issues ever since my first boyfriend, back in 2004. He's a great guy in his own right, but in the first year we were together he did so many questionable things that left a mark on my heart, and how I'd treat guys after him. I never thought I'd be the jealous type but when it comes down to it, I most definitely am. I want to be number one. It's an insecurity issue with myself, but also a jealousy issue with the guy I'm dating. I've been cheated on twice, and had a boyfriend spend time with an ex-girlfriend he never got over behind my back. I was loyal with every one of those guys yet I always got used in the end. Still to this day I have a jealous side to me, and I have a hard time opening up.
At the same time, I know what's healthy and unhealthy in a relationship. I used to go through boyfriends cell phones to see if they were cheating or planning on cheating on me. Sometimes I found proof that they were, sometimes I never did. Eventually if I didn't find anything I was able to build trust with the person. I know that's not the way to do it though. With the right guy I don't have to do that.
Nevertheless, I have my suspicions. I'm in a long distance relationship right now and it's teaching me a lot - patience, trust, and loving every moment I have with him. I don't take for granted what I used to and I appreciate what my boyfriend and I have together. Though he's far away, I absolutely trust him. We built our relationship emotionally first because we didn't meet in person. I believe this built a strong connection, and we were able to be open with each other because we felt we had nothing to lose. Even though he's miles away I feel I can trust him, and he feels the same way for me.
I'm still learning to let old habits go. While I think I'm in a healthy relationship now, I have friends who accuse their significant other of cheating but yet they still date. They blatantly have no trust in their relationship but yet they stay together.
I know everyone is different.. but how do you feel about trust in a relationship? Is a little jealousy healthy. Are you a jealous person? How do you work on your trust issues if you have any, and how do you keep a trustful relationship?
3 people like this
18 responses
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
16 Jul 10
The most important thing in a successful relationship is trust. If you don't have trust you will, in time, insure the demise of the relationship. No person wants the person they care for running around behind their back trying to prove they are cheating on them.
My personal approach is once I have found someone I really care about I trust them until they prove unworthy of that trust. Our imagination alone can make things seem to be that have no bases in fact.
Jealousy is born out of our past experiences. In your case you have several and that is very hard to get around. It is very good that you have this long distance relationship and that you are feeling good about it. The more you know of someone the more likely you will know if you can trust or not. You will work this out and you will be so much better for it.
@talithe (38)
• United States
26 Sep 10
Thank you for your wonderful and supportive comment. (It's been a while since I've visited this website, so I apologize for the delayed response.) I live by your approach as well - to trust someone until I am shown a reason not to. The trouble I find though is that it doesn't take much suspicion for me to lose the trust that was built. It's like my mind is trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario, because I've experienced the worst case scenario several times.
I feel confident that the right relationship will eventually erase the jealousy I hide within myself. Unfortunately, the guy and relationship I was writing about in my post just revealed to me this week he's been having an open relationship.
Along with trust, I firmly believe communication is vital for a healthy relationship.
1 person likes this
@jbrooks0127 (2324)
• United States
29 Sep 10
I do very much agree with you that communication is critical in any relationship but especially in and intimate one. In your case had this man made it clear to you that you were not the one and only it would have made a big difference in how you perceived him. While he is dating others at least you would know that he was open and honest about it.
You history aside I can tell you there are some guys out here that are honest and will indeed be open with you. It seems much harder to find them that for a man looking for a woman however and that makes it even more difficult for you to trust the next guy who came along.
All I can say is, don't give up. I have no doubt that you have much to give to the right guy and when he finds you he will know that and applicate having found you very much. It took my wife 11 years to find me following the passing of her last husband. She was indeed about to give up. Please don't do that.
@Skade24 (750)
• Romania
16 Jul 10
I have some trust issues since my boyfriend lied to me a couple of times, and i can`t bear that, because i am a radical person, and i don`t accept the lie, in any relations ship. I felt so bad, i cried, i wanted to break up with him. Before he lied to me, we had such a beautiful and strong relationship, but after he lied to me, i begin not to trust him, and we were fighting all the time. Then i begun not to believe anything that he said, unless he would proved that's so, until i convinced myself that he changed, i begun to trust him again, and maybe with time, our relationship will reborn, and be like before, strong and beautiful.
@talithe (38)
• United States
26 Sep 10
Skade, I really hope so. My first long relationship, I thought he was the one. We talked about our wedding date, children's names, etc. When I found out he lied to me about his ex-girlfriend (he said they stopped talking years ago, but they were still hanging out and talking.) I lost everything we built up. If it were just a friendship I would have been more understanding, but they both still had feelings for each other. But.. we spent another year and a half together. It took a long time to rebuild the trust but if two people want it, and work for it, they'll find their happiness.
We eventually broke up for other reasons, but still remain best friends. I hope you find your peace and are able to trust your boyfriend again. Some people do change. They just need to find what's important in their life to make the change.
@anne25penn (3305)
• Philippines
17 Jul 10
Hello talithe. From experience, no matter how much trust you give your boyfriend, if he will cheat, he will cheat. I have given my ex all the trust I could give. I never questioned him when he would not call, text or email. I did not go through his phone. I even encouraged him to befriend an ex girlfriend which was a big mistake because they hooked up again. Its okay to check on your partner every now and then, but not to the point where it becomes an issue for both of you.
@ehsanji (503)
• Pakistan
16 Jul 10
First of all, I felt so sorry for what happened to you in the past regarding the relationship. I personally believe that any relation other than that of a husband and wife, is never trustworthy. It's bogus but nothing else. I personally think you are the kind of a person who would like to stick to one guy for her whole life. Then why as a girlfriend? Why not as somebody's wife? So that the connection is stronger and very less chances of getting cheated.
@talithe (38)
• United States
26 Sep 10
I feel like a marriage is a big commitment, and one that a couple would not take lightly. But almost all of my friends and family have been there or witnessed a failed marriage due to trust. But I've also seen friends in 8+ year relationships, never married, and they trust each other completely. Trust should be equally present in all stages of a relationship.
I am the kind of girl who wants a stable, successful relationship. But I will not get married unless I am certain that I want to be with that person. I do not want a divorce. Marriage is a big decision for me, and one I will make when it feels absolutely right in my life to do so. Not for money, not for higher tax refunds, not for a child, not for family. Marriage would be for myself.
If a guy is going to cheat on me, it doesn't decrease his infedility if we are married. :\
@babyanna (1216)
• China
16 Jul 10
Hi,talithe!
I think trust is one of the most important things in a relationship.You love somebody,you trust him or her.Because no one wants to be suspected by someone he or she loves.Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes,do you feel okay when the guy you love always goes through your cell phone?
In China,we always say that "The girl who are confident enough are the most beautiful girls in the world."And I believe it is true everywhere.Guys love the girls who are confident.You have to trust yourself first to trust someone else.Being suspicious is not a good choice.Even if you find out that he is cheating on you,so what?If he really doesn't love you anymore,you are gonna break up anyway.But if he is not,I think he would finally get tired of your suspicion.Nobody wants to explain something that doesn't exist over and over again.And being suspicious can also do harm to your health.
I'm glad that you are working on it,getting rid of this habit.And that you have a boyfriend who you can trust.Hope you two will always be happy.
As for me,I don't get suspicious.I trust people even it sometimes means that I have to get hurt.But it's me.I don't want to doubt about the one I love just like I don't want him to doubt about me.Only in this way,we can get more happiness and less quarrel.
Have a nice day!
@talithe (38)
• United States
26 Sep 10
I know there are words and actions you can never take back, so I make sure when I say something (especially accusing) that I am in the right to say so. I'm working hard on my relationship right now (with the same guy I wrote about) because we've been having problems with the long distance. He wants to move on, and now I'm trying to convince him that what we have, if we continue to build on it, it'll be more wonderful than an easy relationship that he could have where he lives. Ah.. fingers crossed. I don't like to give up. Thank you for your wonderful support and advice. :)
@shellyjaneo (1081)
• United Kingdom
29 Dec 15
Trust is a really hard thing to build. I am having issues with it at the moment. I have been with my partner 6 years and about 4 months ago he developed feeling for someone else and left me (not for her but he thought it meant we were through). I think he actually had a bit of a break down. Anyway we got back together and although he never actually cheated on me I am struggling to trust him again. He was the first person I actually did trust full which makes it harder. I think it is something that comes with time. I used to be the same as you checking phones etc but haven't been like it for years but am now finding myself slipping back into those ways, it's hard to break old habits x
@maanrodriguez (604)
• Philippines
16 Jul 10
Trust in a relationship is something that is so hard to give back especially if it has already been broken. my husband and I had our own trust issues but we managed to get past them by being honest and transparent with each other. that's about it. i'm also in a long distance relationship and yes, trust really is the key to making it work.
@Angelgirl16 (2171)
• United States
16 Jul 10
Hi talithe,
I am sorry that falling in love and trusting the person you are with has turned out so badly for you. I understand you not willing to fully trust your heart to another guy. How many times does a heart have to get broken before we have a real issue with trusting someone who may not be a cheater.
Listen, dating in our society doesn't mean that you will be the only one. In fact, I think it is rare to find two people, especially if they are young lovers, to really be committed to each for a long period of time.
Unless you are willing to sit on your thumbs until mr. right comes along, you will go through these kind of relationships until you find the one who wants to spend the rest of your lives together.
Trust your woman's intutition, (that little voice inside). That is not jealous or mistrust. That is warn that you need to pay attention to. If you see signs and feel things, there is probably something going on.
Take Care of Your Heart
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
16 Jul 10
I think you are justified in having these feelings, because of your past experiences. It may have been out of your hands, but still you had to go through it. So I understand your situation now, and how it is a big leap for you coming from what you had in the past, and trying to build on trust with a long distance relationship now.
Although I may have trust issues myself, I also believe that that is the most important thing for a relationship to survive. I struggle, but I try to manage it.
Goodluck to you!
@Metatronik (6199)
• Pasay, Philippines
16 Jul 10
As much as possible we are avoiding to fail each one of us like lying. What is the sense of being in a relationship if you can't open up all the things with your love ones in the first place? Then we actually give an assurance that we will never fail the task and we are not going to do something else that is against to each one of us. It is really normal to have jealousy but it is becoming unhealthy if the person is already to the extent of being possessive, paranoid, insecure, low self esteem and other more that might affect emotionally and mentally. Being comfortable and open minded to each other will build the trust, especially the acceptance of each person's flaws.
@sweetloveforeve (13108)
• Portugal
16 Jul 10
sure i have jealous too when i love a guy but im not too too jealous^^ i usually trust very easy. anyway my prob with guys wasnt the fact about cheating but the fact that they said they love me and then they didnt show that much care like i showed to them you know. i just had one bf till now but i loved other guys so i wanted give them a chance to show they loved me bcs they said they did and before start a relationship you need to be sure the person cares right? but me i just found guys that say i love you but doesnt show it much :( thats other prob in relations and not just the jealous part. anyway im sorry that those ex bfs cheated on you :( but you need to trust your new bf and dont read messages in his cellphone and respect a bit their privacy. i understand your fears but still. anyway im happy that you are changing and that you are happy with your long distance relationship. i really wish that guy cares for you like you care for him. you deserve a good guy now^^
@ReadyWriter12 (124)
• United States
16 Jul 10
In a relationship one of the foundational elements is trust. You can go or he can go and and neither of you have any seconds thoughts about the other person honoring you. There is no place for jealousy in a relationship, that means that one or both of the partners has an issue that is not being addressed, maybe they are insecure or worried that you will leave or that they will leave you. I am not a jealous person, if I was in a relationship and the other person didn't want to committ they can hit the door. Life is too short and I'm not going to waste it running after another person to confirm that they want to be with me. At the beginning of the relationship you must set some ground rules, the things that you will and will not tolerate. Make sure that you keep a line of communicaion open and address any issues immediately--don't allow them to fester. Trust is one of those things that is earned over time.
@jonnah91 (63)
• Philippines
17 Jul 10
it's good to hear that you have your trust anyways, but trust him just enough, not much. Sometimes, being jealous is part of loving him and make him feel that you don't want him to be with someone else. In my experience, I trust too much and got misunderstanding and love quarrel because of some girls, third parties to say. My ex boyfriend made me not to trust him. He wasted it.
@shahrukhnf (168)
• United States
16 Jul 10
I think u should always trust in your relationship actualy it depends on your guy or girl how is she or her if u trust him then its ok to be serious with him or her.
@edorms36 (275)
• United Arab Emirates
16 Jul 10
Hi! As for me, any kind of relationship should be built on trust, this is the most basic ingredient of any kind of relationship, for when trust not present how can you love,honor and respect someone you have doubts on? How will you say that you believe the person when he says he loves you, when you are doubtful of his intentions? A relationship that lacks trust is doomed to fail even if how much we'll try to hold on to it. Jealousy can be healthy to a relationship, if both parties knows their limitations and expectations about each other.
@merma1267 (130)
• Philippines
16 Jul 10
How can a relationship will survive without TRUST?? therefore, it is MOST important ingredient in ANY relationship. Yes, i feel jealous ( i guess everyone feels it coz just a human being) BUT surely i had enough proven facts to it, am trying not just a suspicious BUT women is really great to it coz of women's instinct. Communication is the BEST part in settling indifferences as far as jealous is concern, it can possible talked about with your partner. If he/she also believes on this.. possible that relationship may long last that everybody is looking for.
@edwardjoy2000 (2387)
• United Arab Emirates
16 Jul 10
Trust is the base of every relation. if the trust is broken once, you may try to get over it but it always in the mind.
@T_Diamond (965)
• New Zealand
16 Jul 10
I'm sorry you've been cheated on twice, those guys deserve a good kick in the ***.
It's good to hear you've found someone you feel is right for you and you're building the relationship emotionally, I believe it builds trust.
And, a little jealousy never hurts, it's only human.
