~*~ When Do You Call It Quits In Your Marriage? ~*~

Broken Heart - Emo Broken Heart
United States
July 18, 2010 3:49pm CST
So August 14th I will be married for one year. My husband and I have been together almost 4 years. When I met him he was working and nothing really seemed out of the norm. He lived in the St Louis area and I lived in Ohio. He came up to see me almost every month, stayed with me through several surgeries, and seemed supportive. I ended up moving to St Louis area in 2008 and we stayed there until 09. During that time he lost the job he had for several years, he found another and lost that in October of 2008. We ended up moving back to Ohio since life was much more expesive there in December 2008. Since that October though, he has not worked and has not actively sought work either. I guess for the longest time I just felt that there were not a lot of jobs out there, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. We ended up getting married last year, and we discussed him making some changes. He started college for Real Estate classes, never took the exam. He then began working on an associates degree for business, and then quit halfway through the semester. I guess I am tired of being a cheerleader. I am not sure how long a partner allows this kind of behavior. I have expressed how I feel, and it gets me no where. I have two children 10 and 13 years old. They take care of themselves, but he says he feels like his job is babysitting. I work a full time job, a part time job, and another job 8 hours a month. I am finishing my Masters degree and will be done next May. I am just fed up. He had been getting unemployment, but didnt contribute to many of the bills. I just went without hot water for two weeks, because he failed to let me know his unemployment was going to run out. Then I found out he had not paid it since March. Everytime I asked him about the bill, he told me it was taken care of. Then the next week he tells me that he had been making payment arrangements with the electric for so long I had to pay it or they would shut that off! They needed an additonal deposit on the account since he has been delinquient. So $400.00 later, I got that taken care of. If I had known ahead of time I would have been able to budget it into my account, but instead it has been a huge inconvience. I have threatened to end the marriage, I spoke to an attorney. I just feel he is not doing anything to change his present situation. I do not want to live this way. I need someone who wants to be a partner, not a sponge. Things have been getting worse as the weeks pass. He becomes more aggressive, and yells, cannot allow me to calm down. He will just follow me and start arguments. The bottom line is that I didn't get married to get divorced. However, I also didn't get married to support the entire family. I need some time to myself. Since he isnt working my free time he wants to consume. He even feels he should be able to go to pilates with me and "watch." I work in mental health. I know he is depressed and has anxiety. He needs to address it and I have encouraged him to do so. He just wont. We bought a house in November and it is on land contract. Both are names are on it. When I ask him to leave he throws that back at me, even though he tells me how much he hates it here. I am just confused. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks for reading.
1 person likes this
8 responses
@katie0 (5212)
• Japan
18 Jul 10
Hi dear, I am sorry. I don't know if I am right, only living the situation can one really understand and in the other hand outsiders can see things that the involved people can't. I think he is a quitter, you are right of being tired of being a cheerleader, he is a grown man, an adult and shouldn't need that so often. I'm afraid that he is going to be more and more of this and maybe one day will not even try to find work. I can't understand why would someone not take the exams, if it's there for that. Be strong. I think it's time to end. Cheers!
• United States
18 Jul 10
Thank you for your response. I think it is just a process when you end a relationship. I know what I need to do, I guess I need to do it. I was just hoping that something would "snap" and he would realize that this is ending...and try. Have a good one.
18 Jul 10
Firstly with all my heart I hope you find an answer to your heart ache. Whether the answer is to work at your relationship harder or to walk away. Only you and your partner can ultimately decide which it is to be. All I can do is advise and give an opinion. If I were to find myself in the same situation I would have to ask myself a number of questions to help establish a path. What are the available paths and have I tried them all? Stay together, work together for a period of time, then analyse the results. -This is obviously only going to work if you sit down together. Making him realise it has to be a whole hearted last attempt at putting things right, and making your relationship and your lives work. Stay together in hope that he will come to realise things ultimately have to change. -Basically meaning in short, put up and shut up hoping that things will right themselves. Give him a period of time to start making changes, whilst in this time you need to be appart. He needs to then prove that he is trying. Walk away knowing that you tried but that area of your life was an experience to learn from. This is the option nobody wants to consider hun, but if things are not working, and you see them never getting better. Then this is where the path will always end up. Love is a very powerful thing and everyone wants to experience it in their lives. But love is also something that is deserved in return. If he loves you deeply and solefully then he needs to snap out of what ever hole he's in. You said that you believe he is depressed and suffers with anxiety. Working in mental health you should know that you can't fix someone without them first saying that they are broken. You need to do some deep thinking, what is right for you, your children, your life, his life? I hope that in all my rambling you find a starting point to your future xx
• United States
18 Jul 10
Thank you very much for your insight. I think you have a lot of good thoughts here. I will be reflecting on them as I try to make some decisions. The one thing that sticks out to me is being able to walk away knowing I tried. I think that is where I am at if nothing changes. I know what I have contributed and how I feel. I need someone who wants to work hard at life, just as I do. I cannot force anyone to change, or go to treatment without their heart in it. I just hope that even if we are no longer together he is able to address his issues to live a happy life. Thanks for your response!! :)
@vjenkins86 (1478)
• United States
18 Jul 10
I am so sorry you are in such a difficult position in your life. No one deserves to be in this predicament. I wish I could give you a direct answer on whether to stay in the marriage or divorce, but I can't. I do suggest you consider what you are willing to live with. As you said, it sounds like your husband is dealing with depression and anxiety and possibly a few other things. Unfortunately, you cannot force him to change it has to be his decision. The one thing you have control over is your reaction and how you wish to handle the situation. No one wants to divorce, especially within a year of their marriage. However, nobody wants to feel trapped and used and constantly walking a tightrope especially when home is suppose to be your haven. Whatever you decide, I pray that you find happiness. Good luck.
• United States
18 Jul 10
Thank you so much for your response. He does need to choose what he wants to do so I can decide which way I need to go. You are right, I only have control over how I react. I think as more time passes, my reactions have been with less empathy. I will reflect on your thoughts. Thanks Again.
@aurorastorm (1136)
• United States
19 Jul 10
Forgive me if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be at all. To me it sounds like he has never been a great person for you, but you got married anyway thinking you could change him or being married would change him. I think you know what you have to do, you keep waiting to see what he is going to do and making yourself miserable. Staying with him any longer is just failing to do what is inevitable. I think the fact that you have put this down in writing means you are on the right path, and you needed just a little more support to help you make the decision you already know you have to make.
• Philippines
19 Jul 10
hello jenseyeda! i feel your pain and anguish, not only because almost every word you posted here expresses that, but also because i had been in a more or less similar situation before. i know that deep inside you already know what do do, but you just want to reinforce it with the opinions of other people. It's a very difficult decision to make, especially if you want to give priority value to the reason why you have entered into that marriage, in the first place. Alright, you got married not to get divorced, but who would want to be divorced in the first place? such thought is farthest from our minds when we get married, especially for love. However, at this point, you have to consider not only your principles, but also your sanity and that of your children. whether you like it or not, you and your kids would be affected with his condition, with his attitude. Maybe you could tough it out a little more, you married him didn't you? but if you are to decide for the welfare of your kids, i think you already know the answer on what to do. life is like that, we can't have everything we want. We have to sacrifice something, for the benefit of the majority. Anyway, i hope you will come to the right decision. and if you are not sure if it is right or not, i hope that you would come to accept it without regrets. I really hope that you will, for your peace of mind.
@satnet (11)
19 Jul 10
I dont think that its right to speak in someones private matter but as you asked i will give you a suggestion... Its better that you handle your family matter in your house as you know the situation best and now whats better for you and your childrens. Marriage is like 2 wheelers and both should give support for the vehicle to run otherwise it stops.... hope you got my point....
• Philippines
19 Jul 10
Conversation plays an important role to every relationship. Try to talk to you partner and know whats really going on with him. A fight is not a solution either.Let him feel your love, and the assurance that you are always at his side. And lastly, pray to God that He may bless your marriage and keep both of you stronger and intact.
@cbjones (1157)
• United States
18 Jul 10
It's sad when somebody falls on hard times, and they begin to either blame everyone else for their problems, or just straight up become a burden to the people who love them. I bave family members who are dealing with a similar situation. The unnamed person gave up of trying to provide for themselves a while ago. The family hasn't yet taken action. I think the only possible solution for them would be to push the (no longer a)baby bird out of the nest, and force them to flap their wings. As it stands, they are being taken advantage of by a human being who would rather mooch off others than live their own life. Unfortunately, they are fine with the currently situation, and seem to have no plans in actually helping this person in any positive way. It hurts my heart just thinking about it. That's really what it's all about. You aren't going to have a ton of fun 100% of the time in life. I dislike a lot of things I'm currently going through, but I don't sit on my butt all day and wait for a change to happen. You have to get out , and make things happen for yourself. Giving up is really the only way anyone can fail. You can't depend on others to do something you have the power to do on your own. Sometimes, people conveniently forget this whenever they come face to face with adversity.