I think i hurt him, again. :(

Philippines
July 28, 2010 8:14am CST
So my husband asked me to check my email today because he sent me a file from work that he wanted me to help him with. As I was busy cooking, I told him to wait up til I was done. He couldn't wait and proceeded to check my email anyway. And lo, there was an email there from my ex, who he happened to hate very much. Because he thought for one time that we were having an affair but I really wasn't. It was just some misunderstanding from work and some nosy, busybody, gossipy people who might have just ruined my marriage. (But that's another story.) Anyway, I happened to look over him as he saw the email, and when he turned in surprise because he didn't realize I was there, the look on his face was pure pain, which he quickly hid with a look of indifference that hurt me more. It was because I promised him that I would never talk to my ex ever again. But the thing here is, I KEPT MY PROMISE. I didn't send my ex any email. It was him who tried to contact me. I, too was surprised because it has been years since I talked to him last. And I told him firmly then that I was keeping my promise to my husband. And my life just didn't include him anymore. So, I was really shocked to see he emailed me, asking me how I was and if was happy etc etc. And it was really bad that my husband got to read it first. Now he thinks I'm emotionally cheating on him with my ex. I tried to explain that to my husband but he quietly told me not to bother. That he really didn't mind at all. He wouldn't even let me explain! I'm really frustrated, I don't know what to do, or how to tell him. I tried and he didn't hear me out. Doesn't he trust me? ... What do you think I should do? I really don't want my husband to think that. I don't want to see him hurt, too. :(
3 people like this
10 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
28 Jul 10
Give him a few minutes and then go to him and talk softly. Let him know that you were just as surprised as he was that the email came and that you'll block his email address from sending messages to your inbox. Tell him you're not sure why you hadn't thought of it before. Tell him if it makes him feel any better he can reply to your ex for you and say that the two of you are very happy and to please not ever contact you again. If you let him do this, I think it would make him feel a ton better. I hope this helps.
2 people like this
• United States
28 Jul 10
I couldn't have said this any better.
2 people like this
• Philippines
28 Jul 10
Thank you for responding, SomeCowgirl. I'm gonna try to talk to him later because he went out, didn't say where he was going. Must have hurt him really bad as he never goes out without telling me where he's off to. What really got me worried me was when he told me not to bother explaining. It's as if he didn't care at all. He just shrugged it off, but I could see he was hurt. I wish he would just talk to me. Even if he would get angry, I'd still take that than him being indifferent.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
28 Jul 10
Kashmeresmycat, thanks :D akiadranem, I don't want to assume but it sounds as if he's confused. I think he believes that you're telling the truth but that he just doesn't want to seem like the jealous husband, that he doesn't want to hurt you because HE knows YOU know he hates your ex. Maybe he doesn't want to come off as controlling, and maybe he left for awhile because his emotions we're going through a current. I am sure if you just talk to him it'll make things better, but sometimes the hardest thing to do is talk as you don't want to hurt his feelings and he yours.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Jul 10
"I didn't send my ex any email. It was him who tried to contact me. I, too was surprised because it has been years since I talked to him last. And I told him firmly then that I was keeping my promise to my husband." I'm confused, you said its been "years" since you talked to him last. How did he get your email address? I agree with response #1, let your husband answer him back in the email.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
29 Jul 10
Kashmeresmycat, It is kind of odd that he has her email address, but then again she may have just kept the same one? I know mine changes, or I open another one for whatever reason.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
@ Kashmeresmycat, I never felt the need to change my email. As I've kept this one for years, even before I got married and my family and friends that I left in my hometown emails me from that address that's why I never changed it. There was just this one time that my ex emailed me a few months after I got married but that was just to congratulate me on my marriage, and my husband got to read that too and that's when he told me to tell my ex to stop emailing me. And I did, and it's been three years since then. That's why I was really surprised because I thought my ex understood my situation and that he agreed never to contact me ever again. i don't know why he did it now. @ SomeCowgirl, I have two emails, and this one was my personal. I use the other one for work, and that's new. Think I should change my personal email?
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
29 Jul 10
akiadranem - No i don't think that's necessary.
@eurekafemme (5881)
• Philippines
28 Jul 10
During this kind of eventualities, when my husband doesn't want ot pay attention to what I am saying, I don't talk to him, instead I write him a letter. Pouring out everything I want to tell him. The downside though, is I'm not sure if he is readng it or not. Men are like that. They don't want to listen and know everything we think and feel. Unlike women, wherein we want to know and hear everything. He may be feeling pained but not because you hurt him but because of the fact that he was jealous of your ex. Still, it is associated with pain but not something you must feel guilty of. If talking through words won't do the trick. Try talking to him through your actions. Men want assurance that they are the only man in our lives so make him feel that. :-) Goodluck!
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Thank you, eurekafemme. I think that's a great idea. Actually I did that when we were still boyfriend/girlfriend. Whenever we had a little spat, we'd talk about it afterwards but I quickly realized that I was doing most of the talking, and after I vented I'd see that I never know what he's feeling and thinking. And I would never feel like the problem's truly resolved. So I wrote to him, I'd hand him a letter, he'd scoff at first but then he started to reply to my letters. At first, his letters were simple and never truly revealed what he was feeling. But he gradually opened up, I think it just needed getting used to. We don't do that anymore since we married though, because we just usually talk about it in person. That's why this situation really bothered me because he doesn't even want to talk about it. I don't understand why when he was always open to me before.
@voldrox (7205)
• India
29 Jul 10
That was nicely said eureka, try talking to him with your actions. That would help a lot ! This is something you should not feel so guilty of akiadranem, coz it's not your fault and your husband KNOWS that. He just doesn't want to show that this is bothering him, he doesn't want to hurt you. It's sad that such a thing hurt both the sides. But eventually it will cool down.. All the best..
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Yes, I did that, tried to talk to him through my actions. I kept hugging him, he doesn't push me away but he doesn't hug me back. Well, at least he's not really that angry, I don't think he really is, just hurt.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
29 Jul 10
Hi akiadranem, I am sorry such situations arise and create an odd situation between both. It's natural of you to feel this way but at the same time it is not your fault and you should know that your husband knows this and that is why he doesn't want you to know that it hurt him. Yes, he trusts you. He knows you would keep your promise always.. He is a little jealous that is all, and that he is what he is trying to hide coz he knows it will bother you so much to see him sad. He was surprised coz he didn't want you to bother about it. He probably would not have asked you about it, coz that would seem like he doesn't trust you, and he doesn't want you to feel like that. Talk to him, more through your actions, coz that is what would catch his attention more and when he starts to cool down i am sure he is going to talk about it with you, politely, for the gentleman he is. Good luck.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Thank you voldrox, I guess you're right. I didn't try to see it from a guy's point of view. And I never thought he'd be jealous too as I thought he understood that I love him and I'd do anything to hurt him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
I mean I wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Darn typo. Didn't see that when I edited my comment.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
29 Jul 10
Akiadranem, i have been in similar path as your husband, but not this deep in water. Thank you for the friend request.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
just let him do whatever he wants to do. at first it really hurts, your husband maybe need more time to think and wait for the right time to talk to you about it. just don't rush him. and hey, you dont have to explain to him a lot if you didnt really had an affair or even chat w/ your x before. i beleive your husband base on his reaction is a rational guy. im sure he will understand. best wishes!! you have a good man!!
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
I really don't want to rush him but I also don't want him thinking the worst. He is a good man, and I don't want to lose his trust over some misunderstanding. :(
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Dont worry, he'll understand soon. If he ask you then explain to him, if he will ask you then be normal. Act normally about it. If you get panic it'll agravates the situation in his head. Advice: invite him for any activity that you both have interest in to. try a little bonding outside the house, movies, dinner and the like. that's what made me cool everytime we have misunderstandings with my girl now. . Good luck to you. =)
• Philippines
30 Jul 10
I`m still waiting for him to open up as he constantly shuts me out if I try. But it's a good thing that he's not totally ignoring me. But I will try to coax him. And I'm gonna prepare his favorite dish tonight. lol
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
29 Jul 10
Sorry to hear that your husband was hurt over finding this email from your Ex. Obviously your trying to explain to your husband didn't work. I would like to suggest to go into your email options and block the email address of your ex. This way you will never had to see another email in your inbox from him. This may also help your husband begin to regain confidence in you and the marriage as a whole. be sure to take extra special care in the next couple weeks to let your husband know how much that you love him and appreciate him. Cook his favorite meal for a romantic dinner together. Ask him to join you for the candlelit bubble bath that your just drew for two. Ask him if he would like to do ( his favorite activity) something together on his day off. Show interest in his interests, even if they are not your own. This too shall pass. Time will heal but block that email address immediately. You don't want to receive any more email from your ex.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Thank you Evrwonder. I wanted to do those things for him, but I didn't want him to think I was guilty and trying to make up for it by pampering him. And after reading all of the helpful suggestions here in my discussion, i went off and blocked my ex's email. Should have done that years ago anyway. But I did save that particular email because i really want my husband to see that I wasn't trying to hide anything for me, and hope he'd understand. Thanks all.
@damned_dle (3944)
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
That is just a normal reaction. What you need to do is try to convince him that you are really faithful and it is very important to ASSURE him. And don't get angry with him because it will just make it worse. And give him time, be sweet to him even if he is angry. It will pass.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
How can I assure him if he doesn't even want to talk to me. :( I don't want to seem like a nagging wife. And I don't want him to assume the worst of the situation.
@ANIME123 (2473)
• United States
29 Jul 10
Really sad that your husband got hurt by seeing that email from your ex, and it's a good thing that you do not send any emails back to your ex because then he would be more hurt about that. It's always good to stay faithful no matter what if your married then it's not good to have any connections with any ex's.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
I guess if I had blocked my ex's email years back, this wouldn't have happened. I really thought he understood and that he would respect my marriage. I wouldn't even think of emotionally cheating with my husband. i just don't understand why my ex would do that now.
@ashton77 (292)
• India
28 Jul 10
No matter how long the days has gone without any contact with the ex, I am sure whenever his topic comes, he will be upset. It's a natural thing. I am sure that your husband understand and knows that you have been faithful to him. He loves you very much and the idea that you were once with somebody hurts him and he cannot accept this. I am sure he would have liked to be your first one but it didn't happen. He is upset so give him some time. Let him take his own time to handle and don't try too much to talk about this topic anymore with him. All the best.
• Philippines
29 Jul 10
Thank you, ashton. Yes, I think it really hurt him that he wasn't my first love because believe it or not, I was his very first. I understand that he's upset and he doesn't want to talk about it but I'm afraid that he might not want to talk about it at all and just assume the worst. I don't want that to happen either. :(
@Angelgirl16 (2177)
• United States
27 Dec 10
Hi akiadranem, I hope everything turned out okay in your situation with your husband. I know that this post was six months ago, I noticed it after I had read it, I know that sometime exs don't want to let go, even when you have made it abundantly clear, verbally and physical, by not contacting them, they will still be persistent. The key is not to let them come between you and your current mate, even if that mean blocking the communication on the phone, email, chat rooms,etc. I hope I didn't stir up an unpleasant situation and that all is well with you.