Marriage. If you have a long term partner already, when would you consider it?

Philippines
August 3, 2010 2:50am CST
Hi! I have a partner for almost 5 years now and we both know that there is nothing left else to do but get married. If I can, I always divert his attention to the topic but he always wants to avoid it? Is it me or is it he doesn't want to be married yet? Or worse he doesn't want to be married to me? Have you experienced the same? I don't know how would I feel. I'm certainly happy of what we have right know but I'm scared that if our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship would take that long it might get somewhere else instead of settlement. Thanks!
1 person likes this
16 responses
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
As they say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?". This works for a lot of men but your guy could be different. He may not be emotionally prepared or is too afraid to tie the knot which only brings us back to the quoted saying above. You're not alone in this predicament in fact a lot are on the same boat. I was on the same boat once and like yours leaving the girl always comes to mind with just the most petty things. i'm perfectly OK with that arrangement since i can always claim that i'm single. Don't get me wrong, i love my girlfriend (now my wife) but i had this strange feeling whenever the topic of getting married is brought up. What made me decide to get married is when we had our first born. I just feel that i have to give my name to child and i can only do this through marriage, if not i'm perfectly fine with living together because with that kind of arrangement, i can always get the milk for free without buying the cow.
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
Actually that's what I'm scared about. Him leaving me.
@ybong007 (6643)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
In this case you're at the losing end. Don't let that happen. 5 years is long enough, if he is scared to marry you now then he might not get the courage to marry you later. I don't question his love for you but i have doubts on his commitment. If you're fine with that kind of arrangement then it is your decision, after all marriage is not something that you can get into and get out if it doesn't work. As a couple who've been together for 5 years maybe it's about time to talk things out on where your relationship is going.
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
That's what I really want to know about. Where are we headed in this relationship. We've been together for the last 5 years. Yes we are happy and having fun but I'm not sure where are we headed or where are we getting at. But every time I talk to him about this things, he avoids the topic. He always tell me, "We'll get to that". I'm not quite sure what to think right now.
@vhings_88 (294)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
I guess your boyfriend tries to avoid marriage. Maybe he's not ready for that yet. Men are like that, they do not want commitments especially if that would be forever.
@attente (986)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
I couldn't agree more. Marriage isn't just a thing, it's everything. forever! so make sure that you are really for each other because you just can't cut your relationship because it isn't working if you're married. annulment or divorce is very expensive!! and how about your children. be sure.. :) prepare yourselves financially and emotionally. :) be blessed!
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
@vhings_88 I guess you're right. My girl friends always tell me that guys are usually would not want to commit themselves unless they feel they are very much ready for it. @attente Yes I have a job and as well as him. Not financially blessed but has already savings. I guess there are really a lot of things to consider in marriage. I just got scared of things going out of what I have really had in mind.
@med889 (5941)
3 Aug 10
I have a partner for the last five years too and since the first year we have decided to get married, we are very conscious that we have to get married today or tomorrow and everytime he is asking me for marriage and I am telling him that it will after my studies once completed, so this year we are getting engaged this September more precisely and I told him that next year we might get married too or the year next. You have to decide first of all if you both want to get married then you decide the year.
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
I guess our decision is all that matters.
@jamuls (530)
• Philippines
4 Aug 10
me and my girlfriend are about to turn 7 next February but this issue has never been an... well an issue. we're happy with what we have and of course there's this fact that she's leaving for the U.S this February also. if i were you, I'd be contented with what you have right now. and if it still bothers you, confront him.
@unseenzy (171)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
Well if your boyfriend seems to be avoiding the topic, then it should mean that he's not ready to get married yet. As for the reasons, it is up to you find that out. Why don't you ask him directly if what are his thoughts about you guys getting married. Don't be too negative. It doesn't mean that if your man sounds like he's not ready means he doesn't want to marry you. And there's nothing wrong if your man isn't ready to get married yet. There good be a lot of positive reasons behind it, like financial or anything. Your man probably just wants the best for you and your future family. So talk to him about it. Even if he will always divert the topic, if you really want to talk to him about it, I'm sure you can do it. Don't be unfair to him by thinking negative and also explain to your man that keeping his thoughts about that issue is unfair on your part.
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
Unseenzy, I guess you are right. He just wants the best for us. I'm not pessimistic but I'm just quite worried. I've been trying to talk to him about it for the last 6 months and still he's avoiding the topic. He just answers "We'll get to that". Hopefully we'll get to that. I still get the same answer if I asked his thoughts about getting married.
• United States
4 Aug 10
It sounds like you and I are in the same boat! Yesterday marked my 4 year anniversary with my boyfriend. We have 3 kids together. I have always been the one to bring up marriage. He says he doesn't want anyone but me, but he's not ready to get married. It is hurting me, and frustrating because i'm good enough to sleep with and make babies with, but not good enough to call his wife. That hurts because he knows how important marriage is to me(for religious reasons). I want to make things right. But we have been having alot of family issues, mostly with my inlaws lately, so now i'm not so sure that marriage is in the cards for us anyway.
@asiregar (864)
• Jakarta, Indonesia
3 Aug 10
I met my wife on the internet and we relate only three months and we decided immediately to get married and now our wedding anniversary which will enter the eighth year and we're quite happy, hopefully you can also quickly get married
@Galena (9110)
3 Aug 10
I met my husband when I was 19. we were together for a long time before we got married. after about four years, we knew we probably would get married one day, but didn't do much about it. we'd been together ten years when we finally got married. the thing is, it's a very very very big committment. I was raised in a Pagan family, and in such an upbringing, a lot of emphasis is placed upon the strength of your word. your ability to keep your Oaths. so I wouldn't have married until I'd lived through a lot of different experiences with him and kept going, and still loved, and still wanted to be together. in the big scheme of things, five years really isn't THAT long a relationship. it's clearly not a casual relationship, but even every long term relationship isn't necessarily one that should end in marriage. so it may be good to talk about it with him. but no need to rush into anyything. if you marry, you have forever. what would a few more years take away from that.
@thaMARKER (2503)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
if both of you talks about it, then marriage is ahead of you. whether he wants it or not (at the moment) as long as you talk about it. i guess you don't take 5years as the reason for you both to get tied for ever. relax. don't be afraid if your current relationship might go wrong. it wouldn't really matter if you split once you're married anyway..
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
3 Aug 10
Marriage is a long term commitment. It can not be entered into lightly. It also should not be a one-sided decision. Both of you must be sure where your relstionship is heading. If there is doubt about getting married, the time may not be right for such a huge decision.
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
3 Aug 10
Although you are still quite young, one thing you must consider is if you want to have children. I know a lot of women are waiting longer before starting a family, but I always thought it is better to be younger to raise a family. Just something to consider. Are you engaged? If not, maybe that could be your next step. If he is willing to become engaged, maybe he will think more seriously about committment. If he's not, I think you have a lot to discuss. You may have to tell him to s*it or get off the pott.
• United Arab Emirates
3 Aug 10
We had a relationship for 4 years before we got married. She was felling insecure bcos i was leaving to the UK for work. She was well aware of the culture there and she assumed that i will not come back. so she got married to me.
@krnavtr (285)
• India
3 Aug 10
May be your partner is avoiding you and your marriage day.Make a call to him and tell him are you interested in me or not.Actually its the time that you should get married but make your self sure with him.Never stay in suspense which makes headache.
• Philippines
4 Aug 10
Hi, jullie! Well, there may be a lot of reasons why he is acting that way. How old is he? If he is young then maybe he doesn't want to settle yet, but if he's somewhere above 30 years old then that might be bad news. Maybe he doesn't want to settle yet or maybe he is not sure if he wants to settle with you. Well I may be wrong, you know. There's just a lot of ideas going on in my head right now, that i'll just pop ideas here and there. So hope that you'll bear with me. Im not experienced with relationships, but i am a keen observer and I observe relationships of other people. I know some people who were together for 4 or 7 years, but they didn't end up together. For the couple that had a 4-year relationship, their relationship was kind of "Perfect." It seemed that they have a fairytale,. until the guy went to another place that they had to be in a long distance relationship. And that's when everything started to fall apart. To make the long story short, being far from each other was the instrument to test their relationship. Unfortunately, they didn't pass the test. Whereas for the 7-year relationship that I mentioned earlier, their relationship was going fine. Until the girl had to go abroad to look for greener pastures and the guy was left in the Philippines. The thing that broke them apart was that none of them were willing to give up their jobs. The girl was a nurse and so she had a better future abroad, while the guy was a lawyer and was doing good in his own country (Philippines). To make the long story short, they broke up. One more thing.. it is not how long you've been together that will assure marriage.. Sometimes.. people break up with their boyfriend who has been with them for several years due to falling out of love.. and then one day they meet someone, who they really get along with and feel like they're soulmates and they end up getting married after knowing each other for a short time (i.e. months or so)...
@attente (986)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
don't be afraid that your relationship might gone somewhere instead of settlement, that would mean that he's not for you. and besides, you're only 22 years old. too young I think.. Do you have now a work? how about your boyfriend, can he support your family if you'll get married? where are you staying after your marriage, still depend on your parents? don't be on a hurry my dear. :)
• Philippines
3 Aug 10
Me and my partner where almost 5 years now and we know each other since grade school. We are happy with what we are now and marriage is far from our minds. we are enjoying our life now, besides I'm still 23, why would I think of marriage if I could enjoy my life with my partner.