Having a miscarriage

@dorannmwin (36695)
United States
August 4, 2010 11:29am CST
Thankfully this time it is not me because I don't know if I would be able to go through it again. This is my sister-in-law this time that is going through it, she just called about 30 minutes ago to ask if she could come to my house because she doesn't want to me at home. She was at the doctor's office and though a pee on a stick came back negative, the doctor saw a baby on the ultrasound. I honestly don't know what I can do for her because when you are losing a baby there is really nothing that can comfort you. I had a friend that went through a miscarriage when my son was really small and for her I put together a little poem about being a mother to angels, but I don't think that anything like that would be sufficient for Elizabeth. So, my question would be, what would you do for a friend or family member that was going through a miscarriage? I really want to do something for her, but I couldn't let her come over to the house today because I've got too many things going on today.
3 people like this
9 responses
@shia88 (4582)
• Malaysia
5 Aug 10
Hi, So sad to read about your post on what happened to your sister-in-law. I can understand her feeling,feel sad and depressed because she lost her baby. You can try to comfort her and talk to her nicely. She is still young and long way to go,she can try to have a baby again after she has a full-rest. Never too late to have a baby!! Is she at the doctor office alone or with her husband? Get your brother to accompany her for the time being. Or she can simply have a short holiday break with your brother to get some fresh air.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
I believe that the one thing that she does have going for her at this point is the fact that her daughters are both at the grandparent's house for a little over another week. I wish that my brother would have been with her at the doctor's office, but it was supposed to be just a routine appointment. Of course, that wasn't how it turned out at all.
@lulu1220 (1010)
• United States
9 Aug 10
So did she actually have a miscarriage? I have heard of some women getting negative pregnancy tests and still having a healthy pregnancy. If she did I am so sorry to hear that this happened.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
10 Aug 10
I'm still not sure if she actually did. The reason for that is that if she actually did, I don't want to break open any wounds that might be healing at this point in time. I do know that her doctor put her on a medication to make her start having a period.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
6 Aug 10
dorannmwin, I just like to add a little perception of mine here when you said that you couldn't let your friend over as you have many things to do at your end. I do not know if God had anything to do with her think of you to call and may be she could actually get busy with you by involving herself to take her mind off her recent shock and loss. Being a counselor, I can understand how they feel and sometimes they just do not want to hear comforting words which I am sure has been administered without any discount. They probably need some other form of motivation to take their minds off things so that they can move on at their own pace. It is important to be sensitive and alert of this as a friend, sometimes people cannot keep still and besides the company which they can have in us, they need some activity which can distract them away from their grief. Hope you catch my drift here.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
6 Aug 10
You are right that most things I would have been able to get her involved in. However, as you will see in my previous comment, the things that I had to do was a focus group where I couldn't take anyone else with me.
• Philippines
5 Aug 10
i myself already had a miscarriage and was really depressing. what my husband and family did was they let me discuss my feelings towards my lost, they were just there to listen. they avoided giving me or showing me things that would remind me of my baby and pregnancy. we go to church and have me blessed. the best thing to do is stay with her, give her your time, time to listen and time to show that you emphatize with her.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
You are right and she is lucky that there are people that will let her talk about it. When I lost my baby there was really no one that I was able to talk to about it and I think that gave me a lot of anger and resentment toward the entire situation.
@Hatley (163957)
• Garden Grove, California
4 Aug 10
hi forannmwin that is just as hard as losing a child at 8 years, i have been through them both and the one thing that I know doesnot help is to have someone make you think you somehow caused a miscarriage, my hubby'sfirst reaction,totally unlike him, was I did something to cause it, and the docotor said no not at all, in fact I would be lucky if I could carry babies to term given my uterus was malformed.Sadly this happened when I was only 8 and my father, my own father, tried to rape me, he injuredme for life, yes, I hated him for many years then decided just for my own health, to forgive him.then my husband did apologize, he hurt too as we both wanted children, my first birth went wonderfully well, my second not so well, my little daughter was a black baby meaning she did not arrive breathing and they took too long reviving her, the lack of oxygen caused brain damage. she was one of the prettiest sweetest little girls anyone could want, she did not appear handicapped but she would always be about five y ears old. howeverwe only had her for eight years. So I would stress that this just happens when a child is not yet ready to be born, onlyfive months after the miscarriage I did get pregnant. so reassure her it can happen soon and you will be able to carry it to full term. God knows best.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
You are very right. She does already have two delightful little girls aged 44 months and 23 months now. And though she does want a little boy to carry on my brother's family name, the doctor has almost advised her against it. I do believe that when it is the right time that it will happen for them, I just don't think that right now is the right time and perhaps that is why this has happened. Of course I wouldn't tell her that.
@Thoroughrob (11771)
• United States
4 Aug 10
I think the best thing you could do for her is be there. If not in person, on the phone, but in person would be best. It is so sad when things like that happen.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
I offered to be there with her in person, but she didn't seem to want that unless it was on my turf. However, with all of my children's stuff about the house I didn't really know that I wanted her on my turf.
@savypat (20248)
• United States
4 Aug 10
All you can do is stand by and listen. This si such a bad thing because of the emotion combined with the hormones. When this happened to me I just kept telling myself it's natures way of getting rid of unhealthly things. I still was very upset but I knew it was for the best.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
That is actually partially the way that I felt after I lost my baby. I thought that there was something wrong with her and she wasn't fit for this world and in the beginning that was one of the things that gave me comfort.
@much2say (37463)
• United States
4 Aug 10
I had a friend who went through that last year. The thing is we don't live near each other - and we were communicating a lot through Facebook. She told me early on with her "good" news . . . and they had been trying for over 5 years. She kept giving me updates, being so hopeful, and telling me plans about how her "baby" and my son will be similar in age, etc etc. I was excited for her, but I let her do all the talking . . . I didn't want to get into it - just in case - I didn't let anyone know about my pregnancy until I was 3 months into it. Ultimately, though it was still early on, my friend did indeed lose it. As we were only writing, I could only comfort her in words - and I kept it brief. At the same time, I didn't want to say not to worry and that she will get pregnant again . . . I mean, what IF it didn't happen again? So I just stayed on the cautious side, and told her that my daughter and I would continue to do our baby dance for her in the livingroom everyday (like a raindance) . . . which is what I told her we would do when she was trying to get pregnant the first time. I think a bit of silliness comforted her, at least in our writings. She has that kind of personality, but I guess it depends on a person's sensitivity. Luckily, a few months down the road, she did get pregnant again - and her little guy was born just a couple weeks ago. Oh - I feel for your sister in law . . .
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
I feel for her as well. I remember the day that I lost my baby as the exact same day that my friend announced her good news that she was expecting her second. Our babies were actually due on the same day. It was so difficult for me to deal with that. In fact, I wasn't even able to talk to my friend until her son was born and the day that I first held her son I actually started to feel better. My son was born nine months (to the day) after her son was born.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
4 Aug 10
Yes. When you know that you are loosing a baby, the pain is too much to bear. No amount of consoling will help. I lost my second baby a year back. Even though it has been so long since it happened, it has the power to hurt. I am so sorry that your sister-in-law is going through that. Just be there for her when she needs you. She might be needing the company of someone who would just let her cry.
@dorannmwin (36695)
• United States
5 Aug 10
That probably is very much the case. I try to be the person that will lend a compasionate ear and shoulder for people and that is probably why people come to me.