Why can't you tell them right from wrong?

United States
August 15, 2010 11:25am CST
I cannot stand it. Every time I find someone I can see as a friend, I meet their kids and I no longer want to be around the mother! I met this girl, she lived across the street from us and she was really sweet and we just clicked. I thought she was going to be a really good friend of mine. Then, I met her kids... She has 2 boys. My oldest daughter was 1 at the time, her boys were 3 & 5. When we would go over there, her kid's would not let my daughter play with their toys, they threw dirt in her eyes, they would push her all the time and finally I could not let my daughter be bullied anymore. I had to tell their mother that I could not hang out with her anymore because her kid's were too mean to my daughter. Their mother would say, oh don't do that to her boys. She would not punish them in any way! She would see them do these things to her! Um... If my child was beating your child up who was so much younger I would do a lot more than say don't do that! This has happened to me 4 times now so I am getting really frustrated! When my kids do something wrong they get punished, isn't that normally what you would do? Why can't I find one friend that disciplines their child? Why can't they punish their child at all for hurting my children? Have you ever been through this?
3 people like this
11 responses
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
16 Aug 10
It seems that parents do not know what punishment is anymore. They are too worried about being the child's friend and we all know that they need more than that. I would not continue a friendship with anyone who allowed their children to be mean to either of my children either. It is not fair to your child or you as it seems to me that she is not showing either of you any respect.
• United States
16 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) I know. I guess I am old fashioned for my age but I absolutely think if we don't discipline our children, they will be monsters! I don't want my kids to be pregnant at 11 years old, I don't want any of my kids to be in jail, and I don't want them to be disrespectful to anyone. Yeah, it is about respect to me. I think it was very disrespectful for her to not do anything when my daughter is being hurt by her kids. I just don't understand people these days...
@ellie333 (21029)
15 Aug 10
Hi Lilangelspreschool, This can indeed be very frustraing and in the past have experienced this with my son. I was sat in the kitchen with a friend and the two boys were in the lounge but could see them, my son was sat on the sofa and the other child near the tv, they weren't even playing, for months I had been telling the parent that their child was delibrately trying to get my son in trouble but they thought I could see no wrong in my child (not the case he can be a handful at times but gets told - I have never looked at my children as perfect cos they aren't. The friends child came screamming through to the kitchen saying that my son had hit him tears as well - I just said see what I mean you coukld see my son was on the sofa and I have told him off so many times but you can't see how sly your own child is being. Another occassion he called my son a F...... B..... and the parent when I told them said oh I thought I heard he say that well if I had heard my son say something like that I would be straight out there soap on tongue he would have been bought in and grounded and his bike locked in the shed for a week as that is he favoutite toy. This lad also was destructive and would break my sons toys and as the parent didn't tell him I told him that if he broke another of my sons toys delibrately I would go down to his house and personally break his favourite and newest toy. I don't even speak to this person now as it is never their child and they let them get away with it all the time which isn't fair. At 3 and 5 with your daughter only 1 the mother should have set them to one side and explained that she was a little one and to be gentle with her and if they were they would have time out or whatever, but some for of punishment. It is a shame though that you have lost friendsships because of this. Kids will fight, kids will argue but be friends again in minutes so it really is not worth falling out over them unless it is extreme. Perhaps try taking your daughter to a day nursery or mother and toddler grouip to meet other mothers with children that do know how to be social. Huggles. Ellie :D
• United States
15 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) Good to hear from you again. My daughter is 4 now and I still have not been able to find a friend that agrees with me that children are not perfect. If the boys were my daughter's age and they were mean I would say something but then I would tell my daughter to defend herself. The thing is she was 1, and a girl and they were much older than her and they were boys. That's where I draw the line. If my son picks on any girl and hits them he is going to wish I didn't find out. That will NOT be tolerated, he will act like a gentleman with all girls/women. I just think if it was 2 girls that were the same age, and they were fighting yeah it happens sometimes but it was more serious than that to me. The problem with finding groups like that is I don't drive. I have been afraid to drive since I was younger and I don't know if I will ever overcome that fear =(
1 person likes this
@ellie333 (21029)
15 Aug 10
Yhe only thing to fear is fear itself but can understand that stuff from the past triggers it at times though. I broke up with someone I had known for over twenty years due to her childs constant bullying of mine bu now they are all grown we are back in contact (this was one of my elder daughters) there were a lot of other reasons also but she had 5 jids and I had two back then and they really would gang up against so much so that it was affecting my younger childs self esteem and I coulodn't have that as they were chipping away at her so understand where you are coming from with you own daughter x
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Hi, lilangelspreschool. When my son was younger in age. He was at my first cousin's house with me. He was playing with her sons. They did not want him to play with any of his toys at all. He was sad about it. But, I just told him not to worry about it then. One time, last year this little girl had hit my daughter. I told her that I was going to tell her mom and grandmother on her. Her mom has mental problems and she was not watching her child like that. I don't like when another child is mean and hits on my child. Many moms will not do or say anything to their child because they are scared to. They want to take up for them. My in-laws are not like that at all. If their children hit or be even mean to my kids, the mom will fuss at them. And they will discipline them by spanking them too. They will not let them get away with murder. No sirree! I don't blame you for refusing to be friends with her anymore. It is not right that she will not discipline her kids for pushing on your daughter. Just leave her alone, because sooner or later, something is bound to go down, and all that she and her children is going to do is blame it on you and your daughter. So it is best to not have anything to do with them at all.
• United States
21 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) Yeah, I know. It was one problem after another with those boys. I was sad at first about not being her friend but she refused to discipline her children and I just couldn't be friends with someone like that. I'm glad I don't associate with her anymore because another neighbor that lives by her said that her kids are way worse now than they even were then!! I cannot imagine that.
@bounce58 (17526)
• Canada
19 Aug 10
I've never been through this, where my kids get bullied by other kids. There are times though that a friend comes to our place, and bring their kids, and I see my kids not sharing their toys. At those times my kids not only get tongue lashings, they also get time outs. Trying to teach them that this is no way to treat friends or guests. I'm sure people who know how to discipline their children are out there. And I'm sure you'll find one soon.
• United States
20 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) I hope I find some friends soon. I'm glad you've never been through this because it's terrible. If I punish my kids for doing wrong to their child I expect them to do the same in return.
@magrylouyu (1632)
• United States
17 Aug 10
I am the same way. My husbands aunt was the exact same way. She raised her grand-daughter for the first 3 years. When my oldest was between 8-12 months she was getting bullied by her cousin who was only 8 months older. She would yank her hair, throw toys, take toys away from her. It drove me nuts. I would always in my mind say 'okay you can punish her sometime'!!! That day never came. I dont understand how anyone can not teach a child right from wrong. I have seen the out come from teaching that too late. Even to this day I have still had it happen. I have just learned how to speak up a little more often when my kids are being bullied. I do hope you find some good friends that know how to punish their child(ren).
• United States
20 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) Yeah, I had to speak up also. I don't barely ever defend myself but when it comes to my kids-watch out! LOL I hope I find friends soon too, thank you =)
• Thailand
16 Aug 10
because it have Problem . i will see it . thanks u wrote about it
• United States
16 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =)
• Singapore
16 Aug 10
I understand your plight. These parents are just spoiling their child that's all. I don't know what kind of mentality she has but the way she talks to you after you told her about the matter, is just simply retarded. A lot of people are like this. We have to differentiate between right from wrong. So, just take this as a lesson learnt.
• United States
16 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) Yeah, she was definitely not the brightest crayon in the box that's for sure. She wasn't a good mom at all. She never should have been a mom in my opinion. She never knew where her kids were, and she never disciplined them in any situation.
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 10
hi lilangelspreschool yes I ran into t hat years ago with my children whenb they were 3 and 4, I thought this mom would be a great friend, but her two were 5 and 6 and they both had my two in tears ten minutes after we got there,. throwing sand and pulling my little girls'hair, I had to take my son to the eye doctor to get the sand fl ushed out. I told the mom that I cou ld not take my children over to her house anymore as her two boys were brats, she got mad and I really did not care.Sand in a childs eye could even cause blindness. what a bad mom.
• United States
16 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) That is horrible. It sounds like these boys, they were terrible. They had to be the worst kids I have ever met in my life! They would also come in my house and go in my fridge and say they wanted something to eat. They didn't knock or anything!! I hated that, to me that is SOOO rude! She would come to my house 20 minutes after them and say have you seen my boys? I can't find them. I was like, how do you not know where you kids are? Yeah, in the house you might not know which room there in but I know their in my house!!
@ptower76 (1619)
• United States
15 Aug 10
I don't know if this should be as much about disciplining the children as much as disciplining the parents of those children. Clearly the boys were wrong for doing those things to your daughter, but the mothers of children like that are even more to blame for neglect in supervision of their minor children and in most jurisdictions can actually be held liable for any damages that occur as a result. It is something you don't find much in this neck of the woods. I also think its a generational and cultural thing. Many of today's parents are so into allowing their children the freedom of expression that they forget that these are in fact only children. The best thing i can tell you is that you did the best thing by ending your relaationship with those parents because it could get worse as the children grow. When my daugher was 1, i wouldn't let a fly touch her, let alone two older disrespectful boys and i would not be friendly with a parent that would allow it. Hope you find another mother with children the same as yours that thinks along the same line as you do as it is important for the development of your children to have children their age to learn socialization. Perhaps you can throw on your psychologist hat and talk to the mother of those boys and see if the friendship can be salvaged. It seems like you really liked her. Who know? maybe you can help her change. Meantime, keep your daughter away from those boys.
• United States
15 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) That's what made me mad, the mother did nothing at all. Where has all of the discipline gone? I guess I am more old fashioned for my age but I absolutely believe spare the rod, spoil the child. No matter how old it is, it's true! Parents now let their children do whatever they want, no rules, no spankings, no responsibility at all for their actions! And we wonder why there are pregnant 12 year old's these days...Hmm I don't wonder, I know why! I don't think we can be friends because she thinks her kids do no wrong. I know that no one is perfect. I know my kids do wrong. I also know that no one is perfect in this world. My kids just get in trouble when they do something wrong, most kids don't. I think it's sad. My parents would beat our butts if we hurt another child of any age much less a kid that is way younger than us!! And, I will spank my kid's butt if they hurt another child. There's nothing wrong with my psyche and I was spanked as a child all my life. I think that's just garbage. I hope I find another mother with good kids that don't act like monsters! My kids have lots of cousins so they are definitely social and I babysit in my free time so they always have friends over. I just wish I could find a friend for myself too =(
• United States
15 Aug 10
The good thing is you took your daughter home. My daughter went thorugh the same thing when she was younger. I taught her to stop them from doing it. I would still be friends with some parents I would not bring my daughter with me. Not all my friends kids had to play with my daughter. Elijah happened to be a soft kind boy. So they played all the time. Boys play ruff and girls tend to be playing softer. I would just let it go.
• United States
15 Aug 10
Thanks for your response =) I guess some people just don't care if their children are monsters. Yes, boys are boys But I have a boy myself. He does NOT act this way because I do not allow it. He does not throw toys or dirt because he knows I will not just let it go. He is more rough than my girl's but not in that way. He plays rough with his daddy which is fine but my son knows not to do this with his sisters or with me. I think it's wrong to let a young girl be beat up by 2 boys who are much older than her. I think it is very inappropriate and it should be corrected.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
27 Aug 10
It is definitely something that is difficult to deal with. I will typically tell those people that are my close friends that I think they should discipline my children as if they were there own. That way if they see that my child is doing something that they shouldn't be doing, then they can put a stop to it and the same goes with their children doing something that they don't see. I think that is an ultimate form of trust though. I do try to make sure that the children of my friends know how to behave because I don't want my children to pick up bad habits from their children.