Mad at my neighbours son - The Update!

@Humbug25 (12551)
August 16, 2010 9:22am CST
Some of you are aware that I was starting to get a bit angry because my neighbours autistic son was throwing junk over the fence and into my garden. Well I took the advice of some of my fellow mylotters and went and had a word with his mother. Oh boy did I feel bad. As I explained to her what had happened I could see tears come to her eyes as she told me that they were having lots of problems with him lately, leaving the house at 5.30am without her knowledge, attacking her and being generally abusive. They don't seem to be able to get his medicaiton right at the moment either and were looking for someone to foster him just for a few days so they could get some rest from the situation and for their sons own good too. I felt absolutely awful and left by saying that if there was anything I could do to help however little it may seem then to give me a shout. I so wished I had not opened my mouth as the problem I was having with her son was minimal compared to what she was going through and I felt that I had added to her problems! Have you ever wished you never said something to someone?
4 people like this
11 responses
@p1kef1sh (45640)
16 Aug 10
Many times! LOL. But in your case I am convinced that you did exactly the right thing. Uncomfortable though it was, you now know what the problem is and she knows that there is someone close by that cares. Well done. This is a very positive result.
3 people like this
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi there p1kef1sh I think that if what I have said will help them to get some help for him then that would definatly make me feel better, I just didn't want to upset her in anyway. They have been trying to get help for him but have had doors closed in their faces and ended up speaking to the local mp would you believe!! Thanks for your heart warming response p1key!
@ANTIQUELADY (36489)
• United States
16 Aug 10
Good morning, I don't think u did wrong by going over there. At least it gave her a chance to talk about her problems w/u & i think that was a good thing. I don't think u should feel bad at all, she needed to know & LIKE I SAID IT GAVE HER AN OUTLET TO TALK ABOUT HER PROBLEMS TO U. iT IS SAD TO HAVE A CHILD W/SUCH GRAVE PROBLEMS. hAPPY MONDAY TO U.
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi ANTIQUELADY I just felt awful because she is so clearly having a bad time of it with him and I think it is so upsetting when there is nothing you can do to change the situation as in he was born with it! Thanks ANTIQUE
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
16 Aug 10
This is a difficult situation. I feel so bad for her. She needs someone in the family or her church to just give her a couple of days so she can rest. Bless her heart, she is so overwhelmed and appears to not have any help. Maybe you could call a hospital and tell them what is going on and ask them if there is some group around or anyone that could help her. This would help you to feel better that you are trying to help her. I know many times groups form from people with the same issues to deal with over medical conditions with children and they work together to help each other out and to offer advice. You have the internet and may be able to help her find a group near her. I don't know if she has the internet or not though, but there has to be something or someone to help her. I have said things at times that I wish I had not said but can not recall any of them now.
2 people like this
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi moondancer I would honestly feel that if I was to any more than I have then I would be interfering and she does have a husband to lean on and they can support each other. As I don't understand a lot about autism I don't think I would be the right person to get involved in their situation at all but I do so understand where you are coming from and appreciate your input! Thanks for responding
@rocketj1 (6960)
• United States
16 Aug 10
Hey there, Humbug! Long time no see! Actually, your neighbor sounds like she really needed to talk to someone about how she was feeling. You may have helped her more than you know.....
2 people like this
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi ya rocketj1 Yes it has been a long time hasn't it and I hope that all is well with you! You might be right about my neighbour but I would have thought I was probably the last person she would want to confide in but I guess I was just there, not in her face at all, just there! Thanks for your response and its good to see you!
@GDTimothy (446)
• United States
16 Aug 10
Oh, I've definitely opened my mouth when I shouldn't have! It happens to all of us sooner or later I suspect! But what else could you have done? And, although you both felt bad in the short run, at least both of you are more aware of the situation. And that has to be worth something. It sounds like you were compassionate in any case, and that's all you can ask for. I empathize with both of you, and have had a taste of being in the mother's position with my own nephew who had major behavioral problems. My sister (his mother) often needed "time off!" But it got to the point where my nephew was spending more time at my house than her house, and then I needed a break from him. No doubt it's difficult for everyone involved! But I do think that you did the right thing. In the long run, I still believe it's better to put things on the table so that at least everyone involved knows what's there. Best wishes for happier, easier times!
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi there GD Timothy I think that I was probably right to say what I did but maybe it was just bad timing! I really had no clue how bad things had got with them, how would I? I am not a nosey neighbour!! Thanks for your response
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
17 Aug 10
Hi Humbug, Oh yes, I imagine all of us have opened our mouth and then later wished we had not. I know that I have many times. In this situation, I don't think you should feel bad. I imagine it is very very difficult as parents for them to deal with their son's autism and behavioral problems. Still....they need to know these things that he is doing. I have heard that getting the meds right for these things is very difficult and takes a lot of trial and error. As hard as it is on the parents, they need to hear about his behavior in order to work on correcting the problem. I think they would have been more upset if you had not told them. Maybe a nice gesture would be to invite her over for coffee and just offer an ear or a break from her everyday frustrations??
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12551)
17 Aug 10
Hi sid556 Yes I believe it is hard to get the meds right as it takes so long for meds to react or realiase they are not working before they try different ones or up the dosage. I don't think I feel bad about telling her what has been going on, more like I feel bad about the reaction I got from her. She is at least 10 years older than me and I don't want to appear condesending to her at all so will leave things as they are for now. Thanks for your advice and response
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
17 Aug 10
I'm glad that you are not taking her reaction personally. I think it was more a result of her obvious fatigue, stress etc. I'm sure she was grateful that you informed her of what was going on. At least now that she knows, she can keep an eye on the situation and hopefully he'll stop. I don't know a lot about Autisim but would it be expecting too much for him to apologize to you?
@dawnald (84147)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
I think you were right to talk to her, but it's sad that she's having all that trouble. here in the US she would have some relief, since the Federal Government provides respite care to parents of autistic children. I hope she finds some help with her son...
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12551)
23 Aug 10
Hi ya dawny I am sure they will get the help they need they might just hve to work harder to get it unfortunatly! thanks dawny
• United States
17 Aug 10
All the time, which is why its good to walk away from the situation before you say something. its helped alot and my feelings are more controlled that way.
@Humbug25 (12551)
17 Aug 10
Hi there Ceekay1989 The only trouble is that sometimes I don't always think to do that myself and I feel my mouth open and the words come out before I have had a chance to stop myself from saying something!! Thanks for responding
@ElicBxn (60884)
• United States
16 Aug 10
honestly, tho, if you hadn't gone over there, you wouldn't have known how horrid a beast this child is now, that you have a snapshot of how the family is trying to deal with him, you can maybe get some ideas of how to help honestly - there should be a way to protect parents for little monsters like this one
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12551)
17 Aug 10
Hi ya ElicBxn Well he is autistic and they are having problems getting his medication right at the moment, I guess he has good days and bad, I just feel so much for his parents they must be beside themselves with worry. Thanks for your response
1 person likes this
@aurorastorm (1136)
• United States
16 Aug 10
Try not to feel to guilty about this. You did not do it to make her feel worse, you just did not like what he was doing. I think you handled the end result of this in a great way, and you never know having someone to tell everything to might have really helped your neighbor. She really could use a friend, and it seems like you could be there to listen and help if you can.
1 person likes this
@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi there aurorastorm Yes I think you might be right. Maybe she was relieved that I had come round as it is something she might have felt she needed to tell me but didn't know how so I saved her the job I guess! Thanks for your response
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Aug 10
yes just the other day as I took offense to a response only to find the poster was worried that I might have been ill, and that was all. So I told her I was glad of a chance to apologize for overreacting. But in your case you did nothing wrong, as you had no idea of the whole situation.By being honest with her, and her being honest with you now you know about the whole thing and can maybe even help her. It must be terribly hard to be in that mom's position as she loves her child yet his behavior is probably even frightening her too.
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@Humbug25 (12551)
16 Aug 10
Hi there Hatley She is so softly spoken, with a kind heart and is a nurse but I guess nothing prepares you for a child with these sort of problems. Even when I went to appologise to her about my kids making so much noise she very kindly responding by saying that they were only kids and didn't have a problem with it. I have also told her that I don't have a problem with her other son playing his saxaphone in the evening because my kids will sleep through most things but she insists he stops at aroun 6.30pm even though my kids go to bed at 8. I also understand I am lucky to have a good neighbour! Thanks for your response Hatters