Etiquette stuff

@dawnald (84131)
Shingle Springs, California
August 18, 2010 5:06pm CST
I read advice columns such as Dear Abby, and there are not only relationship questions and friendship questions, but there are a lot of etiquette questions too. Some of the ones that come to my mind are: People who invite people out to dinner and then ask them to split the check. People who send out invitations and then tell the invitees what kind of gift that they want. People who think it's perfectly OK to drop in on people with out calling. People who always accept invitations from other people but never reciprocate. People who don't RSVP and then show up, or do RSVP and then don't show up. Things have changed a lot since Emily Post was around. Not only do we have bridal registries and baby registries, but I have heard of people registering for all sorts of other things too. We have money dances at weddings. Almost nobody under the age of 70 cares if you wear black shoes after Memorial day or white shoes after Labor day. Some of these changes are good things. If you have no idea what a couple needs, a registry can be really helpful. Some of them are really tacky, like writing on an invitation to just give money. I'm not fond of phone calls before or after certain hours because I like my sleep, and I'm annoyed by people who have no clue that that's rude. What's your favorite etiquette pet peeve? Or is it anything goes with you?
8 people like this
19 responses
@Hatley (164671)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Aug 10
hi dawnald my pet peeve today is unwanted calls asking me to answer a political survey. I told one guy I do not do political any things on mylot or on the phone either. Then I went to the bathroom and the phone was jangling off the hook so I hurried thinking it was either my best friend or my son, no it was the same guy whom I had just told that I did not do political surveys anywhere. This time I just hung up on him. I also hate it when someone invites me to eat out with them, saying, Oh its my treat, then when it comes time time to pay the bill, she said I willpay half okay? well no as i had to use my atm debit card and I just had forty c ents left in my account after I paid for my half the meal. her treat hah? she never meant it and I learned not to go out with her again.To me if someone says its mytreat that means they will pay for it, but now I always come prepared to pay my own way. I no longer trust p eople who want to treat m e.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Aug 10
And on the topic of calls, political or otherwise, I just HATE when you say no and they start arguing with you or asking your reasons or whatever. No is no and I just hang up at that point.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (98100)
• United States
19 Aug 10
How about you are behind on a credit card and the call center guy tries to give you credit counseling?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Never had that one happen. but oh, we'll debit your checking account directly for you - for a FEE!
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
19 Aug 10
If a person is expected to split the check then I think it shouldn't be called a date and they should let the so called "date" know ahead of time if that is what they plan to do..because paying for your own is like hanging with friends... We usually only send out invites to family who are always wanting to know what to get anyhow, so what we do is just put on there are a few suggestions of what not to get...theirs only so many purses a girl needs... No one really RVSP around here..and sometimes you end up with more then expected. It is always best to buy to much then not enough. I don't really pay attention about the shoes rule. with money,If a person can't make up their mind what to get or not sure what to get..a gift card or money is the way to go. Or kids have everything and why get them more of the same? Or what they want is out of your budget..so this way, they can get what they want. It is always great to see a friend or family member..but it is best to be forewarned they are coming. Sadly my family don't seem to know how to pick up a phone..they just show up expect me to drop everything and do what they want or go with them. My husband put the rules down. No calling after 9:30-10 pm but still they call especially my sister who can only call when she can since my niece is in the hospital with a terminal disease. I myself stay up late, So I don't like the phone to ring before 10-11 am. Sometimes I get lucky..lol Pet Peeve? People urinating on the toilet seat because they are to lazy to reach down to lift it. People who walk in my house and head straight for my fridge and then cabinets and help themselves without asking...Yes siblings I mean you...lol..I do not ever do that at their homes but they do mine. People who are always asking me to do for them without pay(which I usually do)..but if I have to ask them to do something they expect to be paid. people who expect me to just stop what I am doing to just do what they want instantly. people who say they are going to stay with us but without asking first. and many more..I am a hard person to please it seems..lol
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
I don't think you're hard to please at all. Your list is perfectly reasonable. It just sounds like you grew up with a bunch who doesn't believe there should be limits among family. But you have every right to set limits.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
19 Aug 10
Does less then a minute count? and that is because it took that long to actually load the page..lol...then I had to grab for my eyes that were rolling around..lol
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
19 Aug 10
lol. Yep that is me an angel..although the halo does cover my little horns and keep my halo in place from slipping all the way..lol
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
20 Aug 10
I guess my pet peeve would be the dropping in without calling. That is a biggie. My grandmother was a freak about thank you cards. If someone got or did anything and you didn't send a thank you card...it was very possible you could lose a finger..lol.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
How many fingers do you have left?
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
21 Aug 10
hehe..I learned early..I still have most of them.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
21 Aug 10
Thank you
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
19 Aug 10
Hi dawnald.You have listed many , but I have not really had the bad luck to experience many of those. From my experience---[some of them are not deviations from etiquette if you strictly adhere to the term--nevertheless--] I do not like people expressing views about my family affairs. I do not like it when people use unrefined language. I am bored when people talk negatively about other people or keep talking about their possessions, wealth etc.., I cannot tolerate rudeness.I hate sarcasm too. I just cannot stand people who try to bulldoze me into accepting an opinion, however polite it may sound. I do not like it if some one else makes plans for me.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
sarcasm can be quite useful, actually, if used appropriately, but not if it's directed at somebody in a hurtful way
@vandana7 (63790)
• India
21 Aug 10
I can relate to all those Kala!!!
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
21 Aug 10
@GardenGerty (98100)
• United States
19 Aug 10
I have so many peeves, so I had to think hard to come up with one. How about when you are at a restaurant and you have ordered, and are talking with the other people there, and you food comes out, the wait person gets you the catsup and everything, and then you resume your conversation, and it is "POP" here is the server back again "Is everything tasting alright?" I know from mystery shopping that they are required to do this, it is "industry standard" but I have had more good conversations interrupted this way, and I feel like I have absolutely no privacy or personal space.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
and why is it that they always pop up when you have food in your mouth? It's like the dentist asking you a question when his fingers are in there....
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (98100)
• United States
19 Aug 10
Oooh, another peeve.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
@marguicha (91916)
• Chile
19 Aug 10
I read your post dawn and discovered that I am annoyed by a lot of things. I am very annoyed at people who call me to sell me things I do not want to buy. This goes for perfumes and clothes, for special phone services where you will pay next to nothing (HA!!!) and for people who want to intrude in my religious beliefs. As for splitting a bill, I seldom do it and only if I think it is fair and I say to the person that invites me to share expenses. But most of the time I will not even think of opening my purse if there´s a man around. It is true that most of the men that invite me eat gourmet food when they dine at my home. Once I talked about this with a younger friend of mine you is the type who asks the other to split the check. I said I wouldn´t think of accepting and he said that he wouldn´t think of asking me. So it seems that people have different behaviours depending who it is. And as for asking me for a gift, I would only accept it if one of my friends begged me to make them a special jam or a cutting from one of my cacti I told you I was a witch. Take care!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
We get a lot of these things that people want you to sign up for, but if you don't like it, you can call to cancel within 30 days or 60 days or whatever. Oh yeah, like I'm going to remember to call and cancel by such and such date. If I want it, I'll get it, if I don't, I don't. Don't sign me up for any stinkin' trial periods...
@marguicha (91916)
• Chile
19 Aug 10
Most of my phone calls are from people who sell things I don´t want to buy. Usually they also use the hook "trial period". But if you forget, you are caught.
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@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Yeah I NEVER NEVER NEVER say yes to a trial period unless I'm buying something I wanted anyway.
• United States
21 Aug 10
I don't have one. Why? Because I have a foil for all of them.Before I go out I will ask who is paying . If they want me to pay half and I don't have the money , I stay home.I prefer Knowing what to brin as gift. In my family wa Always give out lists of whatvwe wanted for Christmas?Hanukkah.No one gets into my house without telling me they are coming over first. Just because someone knocks , does not mean I Have to answer. If I am not expecting someone , I on't answer the door.I never host anything so I maybe pi$$ing someone off. If you say you are coming and you don't come, you are deemed a liar and I don't deal with liars for long.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Aug 10
What happens if they say they will pay, and then you show up and they don't, a la Hatley?
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Aug 10
Then we have a problem. I didn't bring money to pay because they said they would pay.So I guess we are washing dishes or going to jail.I'm glad this doesn't happen to me.
@much2say (38813)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Pet peeves . . . ohhhh - I've got a million of them. You can go back to some of my old discussions about certain friends . . . their etiquette (or lack of it) sucks! I don't like it when my friend comes over every time and has a cup of Starbucks in her hand. If she is going to do that, she should at least bring some for the rest of us - sheesh. It's rude to us - knowing that we're going to serve stuff. I don't like it when my friend has already ordered and is drinking/eating when we are supposed to get together at Starbucks. I think she should at least wait for us. I'd appreciate a thank you - whether it's a call, card, email, small note. I don't like it when a friend doesn't mention anything about their gift from us or give a thanks. I hate flakes. I can understand once, or maybe twice, but if anyone has a pattern of cancelling on me too many times . . . consider yourself a flake in my book. I can list a million of them, but I am finding myself getting angry now - ha ha.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
On the other hand, if you show up really late for something, I can understand them giving up and ordering. But I usually wait at least 15 minutes, unless I have to be somewhere.
@much2say (38813)
• United States
22 Aug 10
I am thinking of one particular friend who is always ordering and eating before we get there. We are not late, nor are our friends . . . she just orders as soon as she gets there (a pet peeve of all of us, I should say!).
• United States
19 Aug 10
I agree with almost everything that you said. If you are going to invite people somewhere, you should pay for it. People should always call before coming over. People should RSVP if they are going to show up somewhere. I don't like calls after certain times of the night either, but sadly, with my cell phone provider, it is more convenient to talk to people after 9PM because I don't have to pay for that. No one follows the Memorial Day or Labor Day rule because most people don't know about those rules. I knew about the Labor Day rule, but I didn't know about the Memorial Day rule. Also, all I own is black and green clothes, so it would be hard for me not to wear black shoes after Memorial Day. Another thing, is the economy makes it hard for people to go shopping for things like that, and they often don't make shoes in certain sizes (I am a size 10, and shoes are really hard to find in my size. I have to wear what I can get). See, that's another thing. Like the money dance at weddings. Sometimes, I will avoid big weddings, or avoid weddings because I don't always have the money to buy gifts and things like that. I felt bad for my cousin and his graduation because my family was only able to give him $30 for his gift. Usually we give $50 when anyone graduates from high school and college, but we couldn't do that this time.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
The black shoe white shoe things seems like a quaint little throwback to the 19th century or something. And I feel bad when I give one family member a gift, and then later I can't give another one a comparable gift, but on the other hand you shouldn't spend what you can't afford either!
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Aug 10
Exactly, if you can't afford it, then you shouldn't be giving it.
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@ElicBxn (60810)
• United States
19 Aug 10
honestly, I don't get invited to too many things, probably because nobody is going to come over here - well, except for J, who likes the food and the company (and the TV shows on the computer)
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@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
what no tv?
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@ElicBxn (60810)
• United States
19 Aug 10
oh, we have TVs, but since the roomie has to sit right on top of it to see, this way she can be on one side and J and I can see from the other side - none of our TVs are in a place where we can do it for her
@Humbug25 (12551)
26 Aug 10
Hey there dawny That one about making demands on gifts I find annoying. I have a wedding to go to next weekend and they have asked for money or a gift from a certain store. I hate giving money in any shape or form, even gift vouchers/tokens, because then they know how much money (or little) you have spent on them. This store they want gifts from is also quite an expensive one! What is wrong with being grateful for what you get? I am quite laid back but I do have a lot of peeves, most of which you have already mentioned, need I say more haha
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Aug 10
I have no problem with them registering some place, and then when you ASK what they need, they tell you "I'm registered at so and so", but I hate it when they shove it in your face, like the whole point of the occasion is "what are you giving me"...
@savypat (20247)
• United States
21 Aug 10
Someone expecting something from me at the last min. If it's not an emergency.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Aug 10
Ah yes, your failure to plan does not automatically constitute an emergency for me!
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Honestly, my biggest pet peeve is telemarketers. They don't seem to understand that when you say you've got to get off the phone, you've really got to get off of the phone. I mean are they not able to hear that I have three children running around the house trying to reek havoc while they are trying to sell something to me that I'm not interested in at all. I am tempted at times to tell them that I'm hanging up and if they call me again I will send them an invoice for my time that it takes to clean up the mess that the children have made while I was on the phone with them.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Aug 10
If they don't say ok goodbye once I say No, I just hang up on them.
@jillhill (37384)
• United States
19 Aug 10
People that make you wait.....like....okay lets go out for supper at 6.....then at 6:20 you're still waiting and they haven't arrived yet.....no call...nothing. Then there is the people you are supposed to be with who are constantly on the phone...common courtesy would be to leave the call until later. If you want to be with me....be with me. Not on the phone. These are probably not the best etiquette examples.....but they are my pet peeves!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Those bother me too. Or here's a stupid little one. We're in the car and the husband can't hear the conversation. Instead of turning the radio off, he turns the volume way down. If I get in the car later, I can see that it's off and turn it back on, but if the volume's down, I sit there wondering why the darn thing is broken, until I remember to check the volume.
@aurorastorm (1136)
• United States
19 Aug 10
Here is my two cents, and I am definitely not anything goes. Where to start: People on cell phones in grocery lines, right in front of the cashier. People who try to get on an elevator before you can get off. When you let someone in front of you in traffic and they do not give you the courtesy wave. People who decide to have a party and then ask everyone to bring all the main dishes. People who nickel and dime when a bill comes at dinner. These are just a few but I could go on and on, like you said some are for the better.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Yep, yep, or people who push their way in front of you and then give you the courtesy wave as if you had a choice, yep and yep....
@allknowing (63306)
• India
19 Aug 10
I have too many of them. 1. I do not like people dropping in without prior intimation. 2. I do not like people asking me personal questions. 3. I do not like the idea of me entertaining others all the time and when it comes to them they will always point a finger that I am well provided - I never invite anyone now. The list could go on but honestly I have dropped people on the way who do not believe in etiquette.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
My father-in-law honestly thought it was ok to ask me what my weight was "because we're family"...
@catalady (363)
19 Aug 10
I agree with just about everything you have listed Dawnald, I'm not so bothered about people turning up to visit uninvited - I actually quite like surprise guests ( not that I get many..maybe if I did then I would agree with you :o) ) I can see the logic in wedding gift lists but somehow it just doesn't seem right. This is going off track a bit as it's not really about relationships and friendships but I hate when people come knocking on my door trying to 'sell ' me their religion...if I want to find religion I will go and look for it myself and I don't want people knocking on my door and pressuring me to listen to heir opinion..it's so hard at times to get rid of them whilst staying polite. The same goes for utilities companies knocking on my door trying to get me to change suppliers(and why is it always at meal times! )..I know wherer to look to research these things and don't want them at my door. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. On a personal level I get really irritated when people ask me a question , probably just out of politeness , but then don't listen to my answer and talk over me..now that really infuriates me. People who say they will do something then let you down every time..it's like they say they will do it just to keep you quiet...please just say no to start with. Ok..that's my moaning and ranting over for today...thanks Dawnald I actually found that quite therapeutic,lol :o)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
That's a great list actually, and I agree with all of them. As for drop in guests, it just depends on who they are, how messy the house is, what I'm doing (or need to be doing), etc.
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
19 Aug 10
You’ve listed a few of my pet peeves already! The one about people who come over without calling is one that is close to my heart; I hate it when folks do that! I also hate survey callers who ring me at six p.m. when I have just put dinner on the table and I detest it when I am asked if I am free at a certain time I say no I’m busy and they say, “Oh can’t you cancel? What is it that you have to do?” No I cannot cancel and no, it’s none of your business!
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@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
Why is it that they call during dinner? Well, obviously because they expect you will be home. But how is that going to motivate you to want to do it?
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@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
19 Aug 10
lateness, rude manners and boorish people who look down on others who do not have so much money. Total lack of class. Oh unless it is an emergency please don't call me after 10pm I'm usually in bed by then reading myself to sleep.
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@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
19 Aug 10
yep, I agree with you on all of those! And don't call before 9 on the weekend unless it's an emergency either!!!