do you lend your friend money if he/she asks of you?

@genevy04 (793)
Philippines
August 19, 2010 7:22pm CST
I have a problem..Well, it's not really a big problem. but I do have a friend, actually she's just a new friend, a mother of my kid's classmate, and she often asks if I can lend her some amount of money because of some reasons. I hear some say that she is used to borrowing money with people and pays difficultly, so I don't give her any. One more reason why I don't lend her is because, I had her sell our pre0loved clothes because she said many would be interested to buy them, but I haven't received any payment until now. She says so many reason about the delay, waiting for this waiting for that. Last night she went to our house to try to borrow again, I told her I have no cash at the moment, if she wants, I could give her rice and fish for her family, but she resisting because she obviously wants money instead. But I firmly stand on my declaration that I don't have money and I insisted to give her rice and viand because I worry for her kids if her reasons were true. Do you think what I did was right? And in your case, do you lend money to friends?
3 people like this
39 responses
• United States
20 Aug 10
What you did was VERY RIGHT!!!! You offered food, if she really needed then she would have accepted. Yes I lend money to my friends but they are friends not acquaintance there is a difference. I don't have this problem anymore because I don't have cash and all I do is on a credit card. If you are ever in doubt about what to do, remember your family comes first and you can't give away your money to support someone else. Our church has a policy if someone is in need and ask for money. We have paid electric and gas bills, we have paid for groceries for the family but we have NEVER handed out $$$. The need is not in the money, it is in food, heat, clothes, etc. If that is what they really want the money for they will be happy with what you offer.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi there christmas,,nice profile name you've got..Makes me feel excited about christmas.. hehe.. Anyway, she did accept the food, because I really really insisted on her, worrying for her four kids waiting at home. So, do you think she is considered an acquaintance, and not a friend yet? And I spoke to my husband about her borrowing money from me, and I saw in my hubby that he doesn't want me to. Our family's income is not really that huge amount, so we don't have rooms for lending out cash to people. So you did have paid for someone else s bills? That's nice.. I think I want to be friends with you..hehe.. Just kidding here.. Thanks for responding..
• United States
21 Aug 10
My profile name is because when I signed up here I was working on our church's Christmas program. Will be doing that again this year too. Oh I met that our church has paid bills for people. If she really has a need I am sure that in your country there is a church that could help her out. I did read through all of your posts questions and answers and I don't think I would classify this person as a friend but more an acquaintance. You know her, yes you can be friends with her, that doesn't mean you have to give her money. I have a very best friend that if she needed money I would have no problem giving it to her and the other way around, but that isn't everyone. I have a daughter that I hesitate to give money to because I have no idea when I will get it back. I think your first concern should be to your husband and your family. If you are ever in doubt as it has sounded like this is typical of her to ask remember that your family comes first. I had one friend that I found out when I told her no I would not loan her money that was the end of our friendship!
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
1 Sep 10
I realize that too, that she was better to be referred to as an acquaintance since we have each other fro a short time and that I don't know her real personality that much.. And yes, I will have to prioritize my family first because we also have needs just like her family right? and my husband earns a living for us, and not for them.. about the church, actually I don't have any idea if there really are churches like that here in the Philippines.. Thank you Christmas..
@annavi23 (6306)
• Philippines
12 Sep 10
hello dear,i have been wanting to respond here when it was still new but i hardly find my time to get in this discussion. well,about your topic,i also experienced the same thing.there are people who are really like that. who are used to borrowing money but then,it's hard for them to pay.and i always got victimized by those people cause i am always too kind to reach out and help them. but after all those people who have run away from their debts,i just wished them well. it's hard to trust people if they always fulfill their said date of payment. there's nothing wrong with what you did,my dear! if you want t help,it doesn't always have to be money. it's still nice that you have offered food instead for them,but they refused,is that? meaning they have always wanted the money,and not telling truth on where do they have to spend it.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
14 Sep 10
so what's stopping you from responding in this discussion dear? Yes I also think you are too kind and being that way brings you susceptible to being victimized by people who takes advantage of others.. the thing is. if we dare to lend others money then we must not expect to have it back specially if it is with the person we doesn't really trust so well..So what I do is just avoid them. I don't lend them so that we won't have misunderstanding.. Thanks dear..
@annavi23 (6306)
• Philippines
15 Sep 10
well,as you know,i have been busy for some offline stuffs.and if i find my time here,i do post comments on my started ones.when i got bored or i had finished them all,i would definitely look for those responded section,and i don't have much time to get them all commented. there are also interesting new topics i want to respond on,and i didn't made a chance to get in here,til i forgot all about it. i think that's most lotters do here,they seem to want to respond to most of topics they became interested but they don't have much time to post in all of them.that's why some make use of those bookmarks to let them remind that they should go back there and respond. before i always do that,but having them bookmarked sometimes make me also forget about them. we're all human,sometime being forgetful. that's what is hard for me, i always expect too much of others.specially about debts. well,i trusted too much that they would pay back,but i have learned nowadays after the last lending i had. it's just that i can't resist not to help them,specially wen kids are involved. i think if you are really friends,it is okay to lend them and not to expect in return,cause friends do help each other out.but there should always be understandings with both parties,not just forget about those debts we had.it is still nice to give back what we should give back.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
19 Sep 10
I too have been busy doing some things offline.. And I had some personal things to deal with.. That's why I have no earnings here.. I think I'm becoming worse every week here.. I guess if we take the risk to lend some of our money to others, then we shouldn't really expect that they would definitely pay back.. Since I don't have that extra money, I don't lend anyone.. If I was rich then I guess I would let them borrow from me,but that isn't the case for me, so..I won't and sorry for them..
@kristeena (358)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
The last time I lend my friend a sum of money for his father's medicine as what she told me was June last year and until now she hasn't pay me back even half of it. Then, I saw her newly posted photos having good times in Malaysia and yet she told me she's waiting for her fiance's remittance to enable to pay me. The issue here is not about money now, it is about her integrity to me. I don't know if I can still trust her.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
Oh that's bad. How can you ever trust her again if she was like that? It's very distressing that a person whom you treat as a friend will actually take advantage of you.. And that's what I am avoiding to happen. That the time will come that I no longer trust her, and no longer consider her as a friend. I just really hope that she is always telling me the truth. Actually I sometimes get confused..Because there's this one I heard about her that the other time she tried borrowing money from me, then I said I don't have extra, she also borrowed from another, and her reasons were not the same. Do you think she's sincere at all?
• Philippines
22 Aug 10
I've learned that there are friends who are fond of borrowing money, make different reasons just to have one, and can make different excuses to avoid paying it. How can she be so sincere if she can't tell the truth? There's no problem if we have stack of cash on hand we can easily let it out without feeling short. What if not? I also experienced borrowing money but I always make it sure to pay it on the soonest possible time or to the promised date I made so I can borrow again.^_^
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
23 Aug 10
One day when we become a billionaire, then I guess they could borrow from us...If that is to happen..Hehehe.. The only borrow thing I can consider that I have made are my loans.. And I make sure it is paid in the soonest possible time. I can't sleep well if I know I have debts to pay off.. Specially if there's an interest concerned.. =)
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
20 Aug 10
If a friend was in need and i had the money to offer, i would gladly lend it to a friend. Getting the money repaid isn't as important as helping someone in a time of crisis. When we loan money to anyone, there is always the chsnce it will not be repaid. Some day this friend may be in a position to do you a favor. It is the gestures we show to one another that are important, not just the money we have.
@cjsalas (109)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
Wow.. good for you. Can we be friends? :) Just kidding. Hmmmm... that is how an ideal friend be. However, there are a lot of opportunistic in the society. As a caution, I limit to those I allow to borrow. Sometimes, being so generous could dampen us aside if we do have enough resources.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Both of you got a point sender, and cj.. Well I think it depends on a person's insight of the situation..If you have extra money to lend to others then that's good, but then, if the person borrowing has not so good history then we should think twice about it. Being generous also has some limitations. Never let yourself be fooled by anybody, and never let others take advantage of your generosity. Thanks and happy mylotting!
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
if it is one of my dearest friends, I would never hesitate to let her borrow money and would not mind if she does pay back or not. If it's someone else, I can't just let anyone borrow easily. What you did was right. We should never tolerate or make those people dependent on others.
@cjsalas (109)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
Hmmmm... I remembered something reading on the responses here. It's good to give fish so that those who needs it could live a day, but it's better to teach them how to fish so that they will start a living. We should help them become independent instead of the contrary.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi carsoc, thanks for responding.. Well, she happened to be not a very dearest friend to me,because I just met her this summer in our kid's school. We are still in the process of knowing each other, though I refer her as a friend.. As what you mentioned, I don't want to tolerate her on borrowing money at all, because she might get used to it, and I don't want that feeling. I don't want to even feel that we are close because she gets what she wants from me.. I can help her in any other ways in which I can, but money, I can't. My husband and I are saving for our family's future.. Hi cj, nice one there..
@jamed28 (1909)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
Of I will, He/she is a friend. If ever he/she didn't pays me back, then it is he/she have a problem not me. At least on the second time, he/she will not borrow anymore since he/she owes me already.
@cjsalas (109)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
I like it, if he/she who borrows didn't pay back - he/she has a problem and not you. That's terrific! That's true. You are being good and generous as a form of help. However, not being paid would mean something was lost on your part - I just hope that the lost is not that big. And true enough, even there's a lost, that person can't easily come to you for help because of his/her previous deeds.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi jamed28..thanks for responding..Yup you got point there. Well I have given her a chance to prove herself worthy of trust when it comes to money, but she failed me, and so this time, though I wanted to help her, I don't have extra cash. And I allot our family income with some much more important things for my family. Hi cjsalas, we always learn once something was done to us.. We should always be very careful on giving out the money we, or in my case, my husband, has worked hard for.. It must not be wasted at all.. Thanks and Happy myLotting!
@sjhaeki (798)
• Philippines
26 Aug 10
you were on the right to have not lending her money. because of the reasons you've stated and still, it is not certain with what she does with the money. in my case i would lend money to friends if i have it and if i have all the necessary facts as to why she borrows. like if she/he is sincere about it and if she/he did not lie about her reasons if it's the opposite then i'll also keep my money but politely reject them and offer other means on how they can get the amount they need
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
29 Aug 10
Hi sjhaeki, Yes indeed, sincerity plays a very big role on trusting somebody.. I found her inconsistent so I can't give her 100% of my trust, but even though she's like that, I still want to help. But I can only help her besides lending her some money.. She still owes me some, and I can't let her abuse me for lending her another.. She should realize that she already is being abusive just because I don't speak up about that thing that she still owes me. I let her get away with it the first time, but she can't do it to me the second time..
@aevans (255)
• Malaysia
26 Aug 10
i think what you did are right. i seldom lend money to others because i'm having financial problem too. i think we shouldn't lend money to someone easily, especially someone we do not know much about them. we can't just give away the money every time a person need. finding out what is the root cause of the problem is the only way to help them.
@anil78650 (177)
• India
26 Aug 10
Ya I lend money to my friends, and i also borrow money from them but we oftentimes pay our debts, even if it take some time.........In your case you do what you think is best for you and your friends family. If I were in you condition I will do the same..............
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
1 Sep 10
So you do it in a give and take process.. Good thing you and your friends pay with each others debts. That is important.. Thanks for responding!
@Neo333X (171)
• Romania
21 Aug 10
It depends on the friend and also on the amount.But in your case you did good.You should not lend her money.She will keep asking for more and never pay back.If she keeps insisting you have to say it: NO! ....or try go give her food until she will understand that you will never give her money.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Correct there neo! Depends on the friend..and since she's a new friend, I can't trust her fully until she proves herself worthy of the trust.. But she failed me once already.. No more second chances. She'll remain as a friend to me, but not to the extent of lending her anything, specially those allotted for my family.. I can't let her borrow money from me because I won't be assured that she will pay it back even if she promises a date to pay it back.. Thanks for responding!
• India
21 Aug 10
Well, money is the basic problem for everybody. That too, borrowing is really a bad habit. You are 100% right in denying and offering rice and fish for her children. This is really a great thoughtful gesture seldom practiced. If the lady wants money for her family expenses, food for children, this is the only way to deal with the situation. At some point of time, she will definitely realise, you will not lend money, instead help her only in kind. You have already known that she borrows everywhere not to be returned. Why can't you explain her on the face that you don't lend money because it will sure affect the relationship. The family requirements, if she is needy, can be arranged. And also forget about those clothes you gave her for selling. If the money worth comes back, well and good, otherwise take it as a charity. But do not give any more clothes. If she still insists, ask her the buyers directly to you. Ofcourse, it will be nail on her head if you do that.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
My problem is that, I'm not the type to tell on someone's face about what I hate on what that someone does.. I am not very frank at all.. Though there are times I become frank, and those are times when I feel the real need of it.. If she let me know her real personality by means of those dresses I trusted on her, then she won't hear anything from me. Just don't try to abuse me and ask again for something because I might tell things she wouldn't like.. And you are right, I also think family needs should be planned and carefully allotted for. How come she is always short of money? I don't know why.. Thanks!
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
There's a lot of people like that. I think you should investigate first where her money is going, Maybe she has some addiction or something. Ask some your friends what they know about that person. I would not lend to that kind of person though I know a few. They borrow from someone to pay for someone. Its like debt paying debt. I also watch a television show where they discuss that kind of topic and they say that it is very addictive to borrow money.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi duds.. You know I was trying to do that, trying to ask others about her, but since our kids study in the same school, I find her always waiting for me to go because if I won't go, she won't go. I sometimes think she does that because she feel I might ask someone about her.. So I merely have the chance to do that. But yesterday, a parent asked me if she went to our house and asked me for something and I said yes but I didn't lend her. The parent told me that many of them are doubtful about her.. So there is actually a borrowing addiction huh? good to know that,,thanks!
@ptower76 (1618)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Hi, I stick to the concept, "Credit makes enemies, lets be friends." Lending money to so called friends is not a very good practice unless you are willing to lose the friendship as well as the money. First of all, if you don't know what they are using the money for, you may be enabling them to do negative things without knowing it. If you have a true friend, you will not even let them ask you for a loan. You will know the situation they are in and you will offer to help. At least that is my way of thinking. If a friend loses a job and cannot pay his/her rent or cannot feed his/her children, paying the rent or feeding them for one month or for one day is not going to do much anyway. Perhaps you will take your friend in, help them get on his/her feet and share your food with his/her children. But simply giving money time and time again makes me think that lady friend of yours is suspect. I don't think she has many true friends.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Actually, I am feeling the same way that you do ptower. I was actually thinking we would lose the friendship with money matters that's why I didn't lend her this time. Though I can't really tell she don't have many true friends because as from what she tells me, often she goes to her friend somewhere to ask for help or anything. That makes me think she has true friends though,because as what she told me, they give her money if she asks for help.. I just happened to be not that kind of friend who will tolerate her to keep on borrowing from others. Thanks for your response!
@uniqueorn (1011)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
I always lend money to my friends whenever they ask me to. I know, it's a big problem, ayt? I am finding some reasons how to solve this one though.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
1 Sep 10
You know how you can solve that problem? try not to lend them money specially to the ones who doesn't pay back.. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of anybody. It's good to be kind and giving, but I think you should also use it in a proper way to which you are not abused.. If people get used to you letting them borrow money, they will surely do it over and over again if you don't try to resist them.. Thanks for sharing!
@Angelgirl16 (2175)
• United States
20 Aug 10
Hi genevy04, You did the right thing by not lending this person any money. It seems obvious that she doesn't need the money to buy food for her family, becasue you tried to give her food instead of money and she refused accept your help. She want cash. I think she has a bad reputation of not repaying loans. She is being dishonest with different people and you have learned from them about their experence with her. You are also waiting on money (which you probably won't see) that she owes you for the sale of something you give her to sale. You have all the evidence you need, to know that you are doing the right thing by saying no to her everytime she wants to borrow money from you.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Yes I think you are definitely right.. She still owes me, I can't believe she had the guts to ask from me again.. I wonder if she doesn't realize that, maybe she thinks I'm too kind to think about that, do you think? I think she's lucky because I still consider her as a friend and still tries to help her in some other ways.. I still don't judge her, what I did was avoid circumstances where I would find any reason for me to not consider her as a friend anymore,because I hate being used.. Thank you for your response, happy myLotting!!
• United States
20 Aug 10
I did that one time and they still owe me about 30 bucks. I think I am going to sue him because he also threatened me. But thats not your concern! If they are a really close friend then I say go for It. But It is all based on trust if you trust them then its up to you. munchieman69 (^_^)
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
The thing is, I don't trust her that much because she still owes me and my sister the cash she had for the selling our clothes.. We haven't even received any amount from her, and I was wondering if she thinks about that? I'm just not the type who'll brag about money matters, and I can't see any initiative on her part. If I knew well, I think she has spent the money already that's why she keeps on making excuses.. Thanks for responding!
@cajimenez (452)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
If that friend have bad debt record , Then do not lend her the money. What you did is right.
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
1 Sep 10
I think she has bad debt record, that's why I did not lend her.. Thanks cajimenez!
• United States
20 Aug 10
I used to try to deal with things like this on a case by case basis, be sensitive to the need, and do the right thing. I can tell you that I have been married for almost 24 years and we have had parents, friends, and relatives with us most of those years because we were too compassionate. We also made a huge mistake an co-signed for some friends...have lent money...paid a utility bill for someone and all sorts of stuff like that. I can say from experience that I would rather care too much and be taken advantage of occasionally; however, when over the course of 23 years of marriage the caring is the normal rather than occassionally it is time to reconsider. A few months ago, I read a book called "The Richest Man in Babylon" and it was a pretty sensible story. The biggest piece of information I gathered from it was this: "When you help people, do not help them in a way that allows their problems to become your problems." So...if it is a little money and I can spare it, that is fine. On the other hand, if it is a little money and it is all the time...I feel that 1.) I have not helped the person become responsible, and 2.) The person has come to expect it. Neither of those are acceptable to me. So...you have to decide where you draw the line. I understand your concern for her kids...I applaud you offering food. The question is how do you help your friend become responsible? good luck and abundant blessings!
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Thank you dptstretch for that wonderful response you posted.. It makes me realize a lot and I'm thankful that you gave your spare time for this discussion.. She has told me the reason for the crisis her family is undergoing that time, and I think his husband is to blame because he left the family for work to another place for a few days without leaving some cash to his wife, which is the friend. Though I can't really judge her, or her husband at all, because I only heard the story from one side.. I advised her some things, and I think she listened anyway, but actually I can't tell her frankly to stop borrowing money from different people, since what she does actually already build gossips from her place. It's that, I don't want her to think I'm telling her that simply because I don't want to lend her money. I have my reasons, and I told her the truth. I just hope she was convinced.. I don't know really how I help her become responsible, I think I don't know how to do it.. I would really appreciate if you could tell me some helpful advice about that.. Thanks so much!
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
I have a friend like yours..it's very difficult to say no because of the friendship that you have..sometimes it's a little bit abuse.. you've done a right thing.not anytime she needs you to lend her a money you give, you have already give her explanation that you don't have a cash.It's up to her to understand
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi there katherine, thanks for responding to my discussion.. You know, I've been having some dilemmas before I posted this discussion,but after reading all of the responses, I was overwhelmed and enlightened that I have done the right thing. I may not have helped her in a way that she was asking,but I helped her in another way, and I hope that she appreciates that already. You know what, I actually tried to avoid her that day, I was afraid that she would think I always reject her, and that I do it intentionally. I don't want her to think I'm making excuses of not letting her borrow from me. But the truth is, I told her, I don't have extra cash.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
20 Aug 10
If there is any one who need help and if I have any in my pocket I give them what they need as long as they are really needy. For me no reasons just ask me and if i have money, why not to help. But sometimes they are taking advantage of always borrowing money even they are not really in need. I am agree with what you did. The woman try to borrow money for foods and because you know her attitude of lending money and as you know her needs better to give her foods instead of money so she solve her problem immediately. She resist because there is something behind the money she needs. You did a good decision. Have a good day!
@genevy04 (793)
• Philippines
21 Aug 10
Hi mods, you also think that she actually got something behind her needs for money? Well actually as I have mentioned, she was not a long time friend. I'm still in the process if knowing her truest personality so I thought I shouldn't trust her deeply to the extent of what she asks from me. Besides, I don't have extra cash also so I don't have anything at all to risk to her. But, we do have stock of foods, since I just went to the market the other day..So I offered it to her, but her idea of borrowing the collection I am handling from the school made me really feel bad about her.. Thanks for your response..