Do you think that one side can be more giving than the other ?

@voldrox (7205)
India
August 22, 2010 9:00am CST
Certainly, in a relationship both love each other and talk with each other quite often. But, have you ever felt like you are giving more, not like your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't paying you much attention or anything, and not like you are the only one who is keeping both of you together. But something like you are doing it in excess ? Have you ? Do you think of your partner quite too often..? In the sense you are a little, overdoing things in your relationship ? I hope you understand what i am talking about. Thank you.
4 people like this
16 responses
• United States
22 Aug 10
I don't feel like I over give to him but I feel like I think about him way more than he does me, you know? I will always think about him and do things for him that go un-noticed and he doesn't really do anything for me. I feel like sometimes, why does no one ever think about me and my needs?
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hello lilangelspreschool, I think you need to have a little talk with him ? Maybe he is a little busy at times.. Anyways, this is not going to work well for long dear friend. You should let him know how you feel about this. You might be feeling like you are the only one keeping up the relationship and that is not healthy. You need to get the attention you deserve. I am sure he would be considerate about it, that is if he really cares about you.
@p3ks626 (6552)
• Philippines
22 Aug 10
I think so! I think its normal in a relationship that one is more giving than the other. I think its suppose to be a give and take relationship but there are some who just give and give and others just take and take.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hello p3ks626, That is a huge no no. Such relationships won't work ever. Either the one doing the giving always is in love with the other and the other might be taking him/her for granted and that is a sad situation. I think it is okay if one is giving and giving and also receiving at the same time.
• Thailand
22 Aug 10
I'm Vietnamese, my english is fairly, but I partly understand what you talking about. I guess you love your partner so much but you realized that she was too heartless to you, I think you should tell her about your feelings, if she really love you, she will try to make you happier as well as you did to her. Good luck! ps: sorry if I made the mistake of expression that you can't understand, my english is not good :)
@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hello lethu087! appreciate you, responding to me first. Your English is fine, the more you take part and get involved here, the more you would learn. I am not a native English speaker myself and i enjoy this place quite much. No, that is not the situation with me, she is not like that. I just thought about it so i wanted to know your opinions about it and if such relationships can have a rather odd ending. Doing it too much is kinda weird at times too, your partner might be busy working with something and if you are idle, you will probably think about your partner and disturb them while they are busy with something else, lol. Anyways.. Happy mylotting!
@academic2 (7011)
• Uganda
22 Aug 10
You are right my friend, in relationships, some people give more than they receive. Of course when there is such an imbalance in the relationship, it tells you there is something wrong in that relationship already-the one who over-gives is trying to buy favors that would have never come without over giving. Love must be unconditional, and giving ought to be spontaneous-once you start over giving in return for so little, then you are trying to go against the nature of love itself, you are trying to buy some favor, yet we know love does not work like that.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hello academic2, Yes you are right, giving too much, more than you receive is an imbalance. It should not be like that, and at the same time the one who is overdoing it should not feel like he/she is receiving less and so he/she is trying hard to gain a little more from the other side. The other person would only give as much as he/she can and cannot always be expecting to keep receiving from the other side. Does not sound fair enough.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
22 Aug 10
I am sorry Voldi, but for the life of me i could not understand one word you are talking about. But, too tell you how i work in a relationship. I try to make it give and take equally on both sides. I think of him almost every second of the day. I don't give more than i can handle myself. That would be a waste. Hope that made sense. TATA.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hi Saphrina, He he.. It's when we think all day about the person we love and it seems like the other person isn't, at least not as much as much we are thinking about them. I do think about her quite often too, almost all day and then realize if we are doing it too much ? That is because we are in college and we need to pay attention to our academics too, and if i will just keep thinking about her then i am doomed, lol. Even when she is busy studying i seem to be like disturbing her when i send her text messages. Now i hope you understand what i am talking about. We had a talk this summer vacation that we would better be paying attention in our academics and we will be giving each other time when we can. Despite having made a deal like that i seem to be interfering with her studies and on the same hand i am loosing my time too. So that is where i am overdoing things Saphy. I know how much she loves me, how much she thinks of me but still.. We have a future to look forward too and so i should be little more careful with her, so that is where i begin to feel like i am giving her too much... In fact more than what is required, i don't feel like i am receiving less but i feel like i should be as busy as she is. Sometimes she does pull me straight so that i am able to study, i like this quality of hers. :)
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
22 Aug 10
I don't think you are overdoing things my dear Voldi. Whe love bites it won't ask when you feel like doing or saying things. Yes, you have to study and whatnot, but you are young only once in your life. Make the most of it, will you.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Thank you Saphrina. It only comes out naturally out of me.
@vandana7 (56841)
• India
22 Aug 10
I can just say - it is not a kind of balance. At times you would be giving more, at times your partner would be giving more. But if you do feel something unjust is happening then a nice talk with the partner could sort of give you some idea about why it is happening. Perhaps your partner didnt realize that they were taking you for granted may be? You all could work a solution from there - instead of stomping feet. If, however, the partner is adamant - refuses to understand your needs - is obssessed with her needs, then it is time for you to review your relationship and your expectations from it. Face the fact that it wont improve from there, and can you accept it in that form. If you cant walk out as things would only brew up in your mind. You will anyway have a second or third rate relationship. So why put up with it? Move out then and look for a more understanding partner.
@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Hello Vandana, Great response.! You are so right about this friend.! If we expect more from our partner then why force ourself into giving more so as to receive more. A person can only give as much as they want to. Well, now i think it is really high time we ought to be focussing more about our career cause we haven't even graduated, and we had talked about that too. But i feel like sometimes i am going out of my way, loosing my focus from my career and she does pull me to straighten me up, and i like that! She is not adamant or those types at all, i admire her for a few things, she is good at focussing her attention for a few things she wants to work out on. We have serious talks at times, only to realize that sometimes i am the one who is taking her attention off from studies. Fine by me, i accept it's my mistake. Well, i have to be serious like her for my academics.
@vandana7 (56841)
• India
22 Aug 10
So glad you could find something that was pertaining to your situation in my response voldi! You are right. Academics are important!!!
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
22 Aug 10
Thank you Vandana!
@sagar21 (1583)
• India
23 Aug 10
I have never heard that in relationships we need a balance...in give and take.. trust is most important.. if there is trust then there is no confusion.. thanks for sharing... have a great day/night.....
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@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
23 Aug 10
Oh brother.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
24 Aug 10
Hello sagar, Yes trust is very important, and i am guilty of being too possessive of her at times. Have a nice day.
@andy77e (5170)
• United States
24 Aug 10
It's impossible to have a completely even relationship. People naturally have more or less innate ability to give. However, it should not be a one-way relationship. If one is only taking, and one is only giving, then that isn't a relationship. It should be mutually beneficial. Finding the middle group, so that neither is taking advantage of the other, is the hard part.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
24 Aug 10
Hello andy77e, One way relationships are out of the question, there is no way that is going to work. This normally happens when you have a crush on someone else and they are merely using you. That would be a one way relationship. People in relationship should have a mutual understanding of each other and it has to be balanced. Thanks for responding.
@Hatley (155037)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Aug 10
hi voldroz I know nothing about these so called re lationships that are so open either one can walk out in a huff over the slightest thing. In a marriage each person ideally gives half and half but in real life at times you may have to give sixty to the others forty as any number of things can go wrong for one person. say that and this happened my husband found he had cancer of the colon and had a very severe surgery taking out a lot more than they ordinarly would as it was in the rectum. He had to have a colostomy. Okay so now He was not able to really give me fifty percent which I understand throughly so it was for a long time more like sixty fourty or seventy thirty and I did not care, He was alive, he was my love, he was in pain, and I would do everything I could to help him get back to a normal life. Sometimes when you are very ill you just c annot be as giving as the other person and surely that is alright and can be sent as okay.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
24 Aug 10
Hello Hatley, I don't believe this is an open relationship. I admire you Hatley, you are a very kind lady. It is so unfortunate what happened to your Husband, i am sorry. Actually, we are still in college and we had talked about building up a secure future for both of us. I do love her very much and i am looking forward to having a life long relationship with her. I have also admitted my friend about this. Yes, in times when the other is sick, we can't expect to receive anything from them, and giving comes automatically from within us and that is true love. I should not feel like i am giving more or i am giving less, i know how much she loves me, but the only problem for now is for us to try to build up a strong future for both of us. Our society is quite conservative about us getting into a relationship. They worry so much for our career, and they don't expect us to get into relationships till we don't get job. Well, anyways that should not be a lot of problem and if we are good in our academics they will not mind it. We have small complications but i hope that should not be a trouble.
• Philippines
23 Aug 10
It happens sometimes in a relationship. It's hard to maintain a balance sometimes especially if we're both busy with work and taking care of the kids. We neglect paying attention to each other, and sometimes one of us gives more to the relationship than the other. But we do make it a point to give extra effort to making our relationship work, because we love each other too much to let anything come between.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
24 Aug 10
Hello akiadranem, Sometimes i do work out more on keeping the relationship. It is time we had been really serious about our career because we need to have a strong and secure future for us and that is why sometimes she is busy studying and i ought to be doing the same, not staying idle and thinking about her all the time. I am looking forward to having a long long relationship with her. She loves me very much too. Thanks for responding.
@jhyan007 (467)
• Philippines
23 Aug 10
..i believe i understand what you mean..i too felt the same thing sometimes...it's like, you feel that you are the only one working or giving your best for your relationship which should be give and take..but since i love my girlfriend, i understand the situation..although we sometimes talk about it and it turns out my girlfriend is planning on something for both of us, the only problem is that she don't know how or where to start..:)
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hi jhyan007, your girlfriend should so happy to have you. I hope she finds something interesting to start with. Yes, it is like we are giving so much but not keeping having much expectation from the other side. I believe it is one of effects of being in love with your girl so much, he he. Give her time when she needs it and i am sure she would come up with something great.
• Philippines
23 Aug 10
hello voldrox! a perfectly balanced relationship should have both sides giving to each other in such a way that no one is receiving less or much more than what they are expecting or wanting. I am saying this because there are people in a relationship, whose happiness lies in giving much more than what their partner is giving or can ever hope to give. Now, that would not be a problem if the person on the receiving end has no qualms about it and if the giver is not doing it in the hope that something equivalent to it will be returned back to him. HOwever, in the case you have mentioned here, the one giving is feeling that what he/she is doing is much much more than what he/she should give or do or in short, in excess of what's normal. Yes, this can happen in a relationship where one party is either much more interested to keep the relationship, is insecure or else he's just normal just like anybody else but the other party is just not doing his share of the relationship. There are many angles to this you know, it depends on where we view it from. anyway, i have experienced this in one of my past relationships. it seems i was the one who's thinking of keeping the flame burning, thinking after his welfare more often and always going out my way to doing things for him. he cared for me, that much i know but i was simply overdoing my caring for him. Now i realized it stemmed from the fact that i was afraid of losing him, i was insecure with that relationship. you see, he was separated from his family and i was afraid that one day soon, he would leave and returned to them despite the love we shared. He was already separated when i met him by the way but it did not diminished my insecurity. We broke up by the way. ever since i realized that i cannot go on doing much more,expecting him to equate what i was doing and being discouraged that he never did. so, that's it..
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hello deriellevc73, I am sorry to hear that happening with you. Yes, we can't just keep giving someone when we feel like we are not receiving much. Insecurity is another reasons for it to. Well, like you said it's not overdoing unless you feel normal doing that. Giving more in favour to receive more or in order to overcome that feeling of insecurity can be hurting. Relationships are not stable when one is trying to keep up the flame between them. I mentioned, that i am not feeling like i am receiving less from the other, i know that she loves me so much too. I guess that i have this small insecurity because i am looking for a long term relationship with her and i don't want to loose her. At times i have also felt that i bother her too much, like when she needs to prepare for her class test and all. I feel guilty of doing that and i apologize for that. I think i am being inconsiderate at times, after all love is not the only thing that is going to keep us both running together. We need to concentrate on building up a secure career so we won't have problems of any sort in the future. I am lucky my girlfriend is quite focussed on her studies and doesn't want to be bothered too much while she is studying and i respect that. I should learn this from her. And it is not like she doesn't care for me, she does. I have nothing to do but to stop and think calmly about this myself and try to bother her at times when she doesn't want to be. I guess this is happening just because she is busy and i am idle at times. Thanks for the nice response deriellevc73.
@asxenon (1441)
• Malaysia
23 Aug 10
Relationship is about give and take. No body is perfect in this world. Sometimes, people just neglect the feelings of their partner. Important thing is, be open with your partner, discuss with him/her whatever concerns you and come out with a solution that will benefit both party.
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@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hi asxenon, Having a talk calmly about things should be able to solve this thing. We can't hide anything or take the other one for granted. It is not healthy in a relationship. There has to be a balance eventually. If things aren't working out then i am afraid the relationship can not continue for long. There should always be a mutual understanding and if one is not open to the other then their would be feeling of guilt and misunderstanding.
• United States
23 Aug 10
I think that in a relationship one side can certainly be more giving than the other, but I think that more often than not, both sides try to be as giving as they can.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hello rogue13xmen13, Yes, sometimes that feeling is normal but it can't be happening this way for long. Both need to give and take and there should be a balance at all times. Well, there are times when one might be busy and the other is idle with nothing better to do. Minor fluctuations are harmless i agree, but it should not be like this always. No one should be taking the other for granted.
@ptower76 (1619)
• United States
22 Aug 10
Go with your gut feeling, if you feel your overdoing it a little and putting more effort into the relationship than your partner, you probably are. Unfortunately, this is usually the time that relationships begin to slide off. Perhaps if you talk with you partner about this maybe he/she will realize and begin to meet you on equal ground. Hope this helps.
1 person likes this
@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hi ptower76, Yes you are right. This cannot keep happening for long, if one feels he/she is not receiving as much they think they deserve. A proper talking and understanding should however settle the matter. If either one of them thinks this is not working then it maybe time to say goodbye. No one wants that to happen. It is also time to let go if even after talking about it, one feels the same as before.
@ladym33 (11009)
• United States
22 Aug 10
I think it happens a lot in relationships but eventually such relationships will end. The person who is the giver will eventually get tired of giving all the time with nothing in return. There has to be an equal distribution of give and take in relationships for them to work. You need to balance each other out, like for instance maybe one person always pays when you go out, but the other one will do the cooking when you stay in. Balance is the key to a successful relationship. If there is no balance then eventually someone will become resentful.
@voldrox (7205)
• India
23 Aug 10
Hello ladym33, Yes, it is probably caused to due lack of proper understand between the two too. This certainly will not lead to a stable relationship and it can further hurt one or both of them. We should talk about this and try to settle things. Nobody wants relationships to end this way. In the end, one will be more resentful than the other.