Will you lend money to your friend?

Singapore
September 5, 2010 10:31am CST
Hey Mylotters, good day. Recently, about a week ago, my friend, whom I know for only about 5 months, asked me for money as his electricity was going to be cut off the next day. This was the second time he asked me for money. I wasn't from a rich family. For this, I had to think for quite a long time before telling my parents, until my father decided to lend it to him. It was $231, which, to me was quite a lot as I'm still a student. He was from a broken family, in which his mother was overseas working but she sends him money every month, but I think wasn't enough. This friend of mine helped me in my studies once, which was why I decided to help him this time. However, I was worried that this could result in him asking money from me time and again. I've got to emphasize that I'm not from a rich family but he doesn't recognize the fact. I find it hard to tell him not to ask any money from me again but I'm afraid by saying this, he'll ignore me and not help me in my studies. Can any kind souls here enlighten me? Thanks.
5 people like this
25 responses
• United Kingdom
6 Sep 10
This would be a huge no no on my part! Funny things can happen when it comes to money! I think that money has the power to break up a successful friendship and there have been lots of cases like this. The friend doesn't return the money and this creates an uncomfortable situation and eventually the two friends drift apart! Don't get me wrong, I think that it's nice to help people when you can but perhaps in other ways rather than just giving out money. The fact that your friend asked you for money the second time round, this tells me that he may be a little irresponsible when it comes to handling money. I think that you should take a strong stance and tell your friend how you feel about the situation, that's the first and most important thing that you absolutely must do. If he is any kind of decent friend then he will certainly understand your thinking on this. I probably don't have enough friends in my own life to keep asking me for money! I wish you well in this situation though. Andrew
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Hi Andrew, thanks for your well wishes! The first time he asked from me was because he needed to settle an accident, in which he rammed into another party's car. He needed money from me and that was about $150. I couldn't lend it to him as such cases could land me in trouble any time. Yea maybe you're right in that he's not good in managing his finances.
@xianelle (83)
• Philippines
6 Sep 10
Always remember that when you lend money to a friend, there is tremendous bonding and togetherness at stake. You will find it very difficult to make a rational and practical decision.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
I was also having a hard time thinking whether to lend him when he first asked from me. The second time I decided to help him.
@ratyz5 (7808)
• Philippines
6 Sep 10
You just have to be honest when you really can't lend him any money. Whenever I have money to lend, I would often lend it to people whom I know I can really trust and expect that they would pay it back. I have a colleague like that who insists on paying back an early debt for she believes that doing so would let her have another chance on borrowing money again, which I kind'a agree on. Then, there are times when I definitely have no money to lend, I just apologize and admit the fact that I too am trying to allocate my available funds until the next pay day. With your situation, since you have been friends for quite a while, I guess your friend should understand when you simply can't provide financial aid to him. Don't use harsh words of course, that would be a sure way to ruin things. Just be considerate and apologize for not being able to help at that time.
@ratyz5 (7808)
• Philippines
7 Sep 10
Strange that I didn't get notified that a response was given to a post of mine.. hmmmm... Well, if your satisfied with how you justified your gesture of returning the favor, then you shouldn't really have to worry about it at all. Your friend helps you with your academics and you help him with money, I guess that's a good deal, I suppose.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Agree. I don't know if I did the right thing to lend him money. I don't know about his lifestyle, but I lent money to him, simply because, he helped me in my studies once. I just purely wanted to return him the favour, that's all.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
7 Sep 10
Yea. Maybe it sounds more like a business deal.
• Philippines
5 Sep 10
Hi! Yes, I will lend some money to a friend who is in need. But I'll make sure that he/she will pay me later. When he/she still doesn't pay back then I won't be able to lend him/her some money again. That's my rule. And in your situation, I think you should learn how to say no. It is your right and responsibility. A true friend should know respect and their own limitations. If you're afraid to lose a friend don't be. If you're afraid he/she won't help you again in your studies, I think you can ask someone else to teach you, your teacher perhaps. Sometimes in studying it is better to learn by its books in the library and help yourself too like self-study or group study with your classmates. Lastly, the most important one, know when a friend is taking advantage of you or your weaknesses. If you do, you'll know what real friendship are and who's a true one. Hope this help you. Have a nice day :)
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Hi, thanks! Yea, I don't know how to say 'no' the proper way, yet. If I were to say 'no', it would be a very strong one, hinting to the other party that it's wrong. I actually know when a person is taking advantage of me. I'll try not to show my weaknesses out. Thanks anyway!
@thanks1961 (7035)
• India
5 Sep 10
Hi dear, You are absolutely in a mess. But you can come out of it slowly. Be open to him. As long as he is frequent in asking the money, if you have provide him with 1/10 of it. I mean to say, tell him that as being a student I am unable to help you right away. You don't have income and only getting a little amount for your daily expenses. Out of which, I may not be help all the time, and I am having this much, if possible, manage with it. And if you can, provide with a part payment and both the way you will get saved. As being this is the fact, you need not worry also. Tell him frankly that I have a mind to help you, but sorry that I am in such a state of helplessness. Also tell him that you are also not from a well to do family and having limitations. There is no problem to tell the truth as long as he is your friend. Possibly this will help you out. Also, be close to him and advise him to reduce unwanted expenses and keep some extra money at times you are having more. So, in such situations this will be a great help and you can avoid asking others. If you are able to convince him, he will like you more and the problem can be solved to an extent. Also, if you are giving the money, ask him when he can return and that will be a plus point for you to expect back the money, even if he don’t pay in time. Regards, Thank-s
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Hi sir, thanks for your advice! Yea, before he borrowed from me, he assured me that he'll return on the 12th, which I think is good. I did ask my parents to lend him the money and my mum said:"Just this once and no more". I understand, as, if he keeps borrowing money from me, it's not going to stop.
6 Sep 10
Some of my friends and I loan each other money every once in a while, but we have all been friends for over ten years. The saying, "One hand washes the other," springs to mind, but it sounds like you honestly don't have the money to loan him. I believe that a good rule of thumb is to not loan money if you will miss it. Meaning, if you can't afford to give it, then do not loan it. You may not get it back in time to pay your own bills. Following this rule has also saved me some stress and allowed me to be a cheerful giver.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Yea, true. The first time he borrowed money from me, I thought about it for a while, and decided not to. I simply don't have the money to lend.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Sep 10
hi judgeironfist you are going to have to be honest but gently tell youor friend that you are not wealthy nor come from a rich family. YOU care very much for your friend but this time you just do not have any extra money. Say if you do not want to help me in my studies I will understand, but I do hope you will as I really appreciate all you have done for me. Maybe give him a small gift or token or appreciation some way. You might not be able to lend him any money but you could repay his help by staking him to coffee or coffee and a donut. just a small token that says thanks for helping me.
• Singapore
8 Sep 10
My mother told me not to lend him any money again. This is to prevent him from making this a habit. Anyway thanks for your advice!
@monkeylong (3139)
• Guangzhou, China
6 Sep 10
Yeah, as far as I am concerned, I think i will prefer to lend some money to my close friends when they are in need of money in their life.No matter how much they want, I think I will just try my best to help them to get rid of troublesome. For me, I think friendship is so important to our life,which I just can not be short of . So do try our best to help our friends.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
I want to lend, but it's still not the right time and it's kind of ridiculous that he's borrowing so much from a student like me. I don't even have the ability to earn yet!
@Metatronik (6199)
• Pasay, Philippines
6 Sep 10
First of all if that is your TRUE FRIEND he must understand your situation and he must not be disappointed in the first place if you can't lend him a money the fact that you are still student and relying to your parents. Friendship is not about the help in terms of financial. You can help him to do something like he must work for him to earn and can be able to pay for his needs. He should not be dependent to other people or else you are already spoiling him to the extent that asking help from you in financial terms is a never ending. You know what when you help other people you should not expect something back and I don't he must do that. Helping has limitations. You know in my case I have a friend who is thinking that I've betrayed him just because I was able to do the right thing? And now he keeps on telling me that he is helping me out and he is the only one who is giving the opportunities? Whereas his help only dragged me in odd situation to the extent that I have to make legal action for taking advantage of me during our work? I didn't care about it and I justified his faults. I don't need to rely on him and much more I don't need his help anymore.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
He still goes back to the Police Force for operations and he has some salary over there. I don't know how he spent it, to be able to ask money from me O.O
@franne32 (694)
• Philippines
6 Sep 10
If he's a true friend, he would know his limits in asking you for money. Just because he helped you in your studies doesn't mean you're indebted financially to him for life. Remember, friends don't use friends.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Yea, friends should be people who are helping out their fellow mates.
@formidexo (1351)
• Canada
7 Sep 10
What if you paid him some money for his tutoring? Might that solve the problem? That way you both benefit. Just giving him money will turn him into a parasite.
• Singapore
7 Sep 10
Actually he's not my tutor. He is someone who took the initiative to teach me and I lent him the money as a matter of returning him the favour that's all.
@emgee595 (335)
• Philippines
6 Sep 10
It is good to share our blessings and help our friends who are in need. But if your financial resources are limited you should be apprehensive in lending money especially to someone whom you knew 5 months ago. It is also not good to give the impression that he can borrow money from you anytime. It won't hurt if you tell him your financial constraints. This is to make him understand that as much as you would really like to help him out with his money problems your current predicament will not allow you to spare some extra for him. And make sure he has paid his previous debt before lending him again. Also, you should set a fixed date when he should pay you. If he failed to meet the due date you've agreed upon, that could be an indicator that he is not trustworthy. A genuine friend shows concern and knows how to empathize with his friends. If he refuses to listen and show some concern regarding your financial constraint...maybe you should also reconsider if he is indeed someone you should think of as a friend.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Yea, thanks for your advice. I've prepared my so called 'speech' to tell him that my family is not rich and I can't lend money to him anymore.
• United States
5 Sep 10
Next time he asks (if he does) just explain that you don't have that kind of money on hand to help him out. Apologize for the inconvenience, of course, but you can't keep helping him when you need money to help you out as well. If he asks about your parents, just tell him that they don't have the money, either, to help someone on a whim. I would say 'I wish I could! But I just don't have the funds right now'.
• Singapore
5 Sep 10
Thanks for the advice! Yea, maybe I should just say: "Well, my family is not rich. I wish I could help you but I don't have the money."
• Singapore
5 Sep 10
Haha. Actually, two days after he borrowed money, he wanted to borrow another $430 from me just to open a citibank account, which needs $2000. He already had borrowed some amount, leaving $430, and he needed my help. I had to really reject. I had to see whether he returned my money or not.
• United States
5 Sep 10
That sounds perfect to me! :D
@pyrhodos (46)
• Indonesia
6 Sep 10
I think helping other people is nice. but if the condition like yours now.. hmm.. I might be think it twice .. I see ur friend is the helper of ur studies. but it doesn't mean he can ask for money again and again. For now, if I were U, I'll lend him a money (if I have). but that's the last. and after that if he ask for money again, I'll tell him the reality of my family, and I can't lend him money again and again. I hope my response can help U from ur trouble! :) being nice, and god'll help U! :)
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Thanks friend! Yea, this will be my first and last time. You know, it's kind of weird and ridiculous that someone is borrowing money and such a large amount, when I'm still a student!!!
@StarBright (2798)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Shakespeare said "Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend" My mother said "There are people who buy what they want and beg or borrow what they need." Your friend seems to fit both of these. He borrows from you to pay his utility bill. He borrows from you to add to his money so he can open a $2000 bank account. Give me a break! You, my dear, are being used. Close your wallet and find yourself another tutor. You don't need to give him any excuses as to why you can't loan him the money. In the words of one of our first ladies, "Just say no." It is unfair to your parents for them to subsidize his lifestyle. If he wants help with his finances, which I doubt, then you may help. But I suspect your help will not be welcome. I sincerely hope you get your money back. If you continue on this path, there will come a time when you won't. I smell user. Run.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Hi StarBright, thanks for your advice! Actually he's not my tutor. He's just someone who I knew, who took the initiative to teach me. He's from a broken family and he doesn't like to approach his father. I've asked him why he didn't want to approach his father regarding his money problems and he said he was scared that he'll get scolded. Well, he has borrowed money from his friends before. I don't know if he's having a lavish lifestyle but for now, I just hope for my father's money to return and this is the first and the last time I'm lending money to him.
@thedaddym (1731)
• United States
5 Sep 10
Helping a friend once or twice is fine, however, if he borrows money from you more than 2 times and does not pay any money back to you ever and he continues to ask for money he is just taking advantage of you and is not a good friend at all. You are his friend not his personal bank account. Also if he needs to constantly borrow money chances are he will never be able to pay you back. Not to mention you are not wealthy and don't really have the extra money to give him. Remind him next time he asks that you will not lend him any more money until he pays back what he already owes your family. Instead of lending him money I would help him to find some sort of way that he could earn some.
• Singapore
5 Sep 10
Right now I'm waiting for him to return me the amount, which is on the 12th. I hope he will return, coz he has a strong assurance to me that he'll return to me.
@amybrezik (2118)
• United States
6 Sep 10
I would help a friend if I could. I don't think I would ask my parents to help my friend though. I understand where you are coming from, you certianly don't want him to com to expect that you will always help him out, and you don't want him to take advantage of you. Do you really need him to help you with your studies?
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
I actually need help with one subject that's all. He took the initiative to help me.
@teamrose (1492)
• United States
5 Sep 10
I don't think this is really a friendship, but a mutual needs type relationship. You need him for your studies and he needs you for bill payment. If you can afford a tutor, I would suggest you pay someone to help you with your studies, then you wont feel obligated to lend money you really can't afford. Obviously, you have not known this person long enough to call him a friend. Friendships are built over time.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
But he's quite a good guy. He helps people but he doesn't have much friends. He has a girlfriend, who always encourages him to study. Hmm..
@simonelee (2715)
• China
6 Sep 10
No. I don't. Why? Because i don't know how to ask him/her that its time for him/her to pay. I usually wait for that person to pay me and usually it end up "thank you". So, even I'd like to help i learned my lesson from my previous experience. I neither come from a wealthy family. Back to your situation, you can say No to him if he ask again. Tell him that you and your family also having problem when it comes to money and you'll see what you can do about his problem(just say it to make him feel good or not being rejected)and also you have to talk to your parents that not to lend your friend a money again. If after your friend changed his treatment after that then he's just using you, he's not a real friend.
• Singapore
6 Sep 10
Yea, absolutely. My mother, especially, told me that if he borrows money from me again, I have to reject it. Well, to be honest, this is the FIRST time that someone borrows money from me and it's quite a large amount to me! I'll see for myself if he returns or not, or if he changes his attitude towards me.
@mikeowl (200)
• Malaysia
5 Sep 10
I used to lend a lot of my own savings to my friends. Then it slowly bulk up into $1 by $1 till almost $200++ and yet they never returned any. So from that day onwards I never lend money to my friends unless I know they could return it somehow or only to my very very close friends.
• Singapore
5 Sep 10
Woah~ It's risky to take the money out from your savings! But what purpose did your friend have in borrowing that money? Did they take it for gambling?