I fell frustrated when my parents interfere when I discipline my child!

@devijay78 (1575)
India
September 21, 2010 2:58am CST
This always happens to me whenever I am at their house. When my daughter has done something she should not have done, I sometimes am strict with her and these are the times when my parents interefere telling that she is just a small child. I hate it when they do that! Now my daughter has learnt to run to them when I scold her or ask her to do something. I do agree grandparents can be a little lenient, but to the extent of spoiling the child? My father gives her chocolates everyday! I tell him not to do that and so he gives it to her without my knowledge. The child anyway comes running to me telling that granpa gave her a chocolate. I am so frustrated. When will they learn and how do I make them understand? It has gone to the extent of me not taking my daughter to their place quite often just because they spoil her. What do I do?
2 people like this
8 responses
@owlwings (39215)
• Cambridge, England
21 Sep 10
This is a perennial problem, I'm afraid. ALL grandparents tend to spoil their grandchildren. It's what they are for! Of course, what REALLY concerns you is that your parents are not being as supportive as you'd like and are 'going over your head' and, in fact, treating you somewhat as the child you once were (and still, no doubt, are, in their eyes). You have to have a serious talk with your parents. Talk first about how they brought YOU up (they didn't do so bad, did they?) and then about the things that you care about in bringing up your daughter. Try not to be confrontational but, at the same time, be clear and reasonable about the way you would like to do things so that they understand that you aren't being strict with her for no reason. Once they understand better, they will, hopefully, be more ready to support you (though they will still tend to be less strict than you, perhaps). If you don't want your daughter to get into the habit of wanting candy or chocolates, then make it clear that they really are only for special occasions; if you want your daughter to learn to be happy to help you or to keep things tidy when asked, then ask them to repeat that message (but perhaps in a different way) when she runs to them for authority.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
Hi owlwings. I have tried telling them but nothing seems to work. And I get so wild when my father gives her more and more chocolates everyday. Only if I yell at them they don't give her for a day or two. and it starts again after I have calmed down. The poor child has to be de-wormed every now and then. I am so frustrated sometimes. And when she runs to them when I scold her or tell her a no, they in turn argue that she is just a kid. Aarrg! I feel like tearing my hair out sometimes.
@owlwings (39215)
• Cambridge, England
21 Sep 10
I don't know anything about 'de-worming'. In England, 'worms' (meaning tape worms and other stomach parasites) are something that our pets have from time to time (and need medication for) but very few humans do and it would be a bit shocking if they did. It would be very unlikely to get worms from chocolate, however. The eggs are transmitted though contaminated water supplies, water snails and other vectors. I do understand that it is more difficult to deal with parasites in tropical countries and that such things are more 'accepted' than they are here. It seems that the only thing you can do, under the circumstances, is to do what you already do and see less of your parents than, perhaps, you or they would like.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
22 Sep 10
De worming is something we do here regularly, once every six months. But there is a local remedy for that. We do make the child have neem oil once every month. It not only takes away the prasites in the stomach, it purifies the blood too. But since it tastes bad and smells horrible, people dont prefer it nowadays. I have found an alternative for her sweet tooth. Instead of giving chocolates, I have asked my parents to give her sweets prepared at home using the everyday stuff with which we cook like rice, jaggery, sugar, besan powder, rawa etc. So her teeth and stomach are safe now. One problem is solved, and am on the next one. Thanks for all your help.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
28 Sep 10
hi devijay, I'm a grandparent. being a grandparent is a bit different than being a parent for sure. I love it. When my grandson or grand daughter spend the night at my place they do get to stay up a little later than they would at home. We are close but I would never ever go against my daughters rules and the kids know that. She is very strict on soda and candy, fast foods etc. I may treat them to those things but it is a treat and not something that I would do often either. I would never do anything with them that my daughter was ded set against regardless of my personal opinion and I would never ever ever disagree with her or her husband in front of the kids no matter what. I don't think the rules at my house are that different than at my daughters.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
5 Oct 10
Hi sid556. Sorry for responding so late. I was away on a vacation and came home just now. It is nice to know that there are grandparents like you who respect their children's rules and do not try to override them. I do give my daughter much freedom than what I was given when I was growing up. But as you said, grandparents can afford to be lenient I guess. Thanks for your reply. And have a great day.
• Philippines
22 Sep 10
you just have to understand your parents because that how grandparents love their grandchild, so as how they took care of you when you were still their child...
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
22 Sep 10
I know. Even my grandparents used to spoil me rotten. I remember getting big bars of chocolates from my grandfather and then getting big tummy aches later on. I have a better alternative now. I have asked them to give home made sweets instead of chocolates which are made out of stuff we use in our daily food. So I guess one problem is solved Thanks for your reply.
• United States
21 Sep 10
As parents we do not come with preset manuals and they do not issue one when we leave the hospital with the baby. As grandparents sometimes they try and make up where they feel in their mind that they lacked, perhaps with their own children. Apparently they love your child, God Bless, they do not mean any harm. Personally as a parent I listened to all sound advice, did not mean I took and absorbed all of it. I basically would recommend that you speak to your parents and explain, start off with the I love you and do realize that you love us as well. Please understand that life is quite different from you were raising me as a child. I am trying to discipline my child in ways where in the future my daughter will be a respectable young lady. I am not trying in any way shape or form to keep her intentionally from you, but I have to somehow have you understand that the spoiling will lead to a disastrous adolescent life for my daughter. I am sorry that we do not meet eye to on with this but if things do not change my keeping her away will not benefit you as grandparents or her as a loving child. This may not work as some families can be unreasonable, but at least explain to them that it is for the love and respect for all. Good luck to you and your family.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
Hi. I know they would understand eventually. But till then, it is a hard time for me to try to keep them from spoiling her. They do listen to me only when I threaten to not bring my daughter for some days. Otherwise it is the same old story. Parents sometimes act like children and they too need to be dealt with firmly, isn't it? I am talking to them almost every day about this. Let me wait and watch. Thanks for the reply.
@SimpleBB (1332)
• Philippines
21 Sep 10
Well, your parents just love your child. though in disciplining a child, it is a must that you're the one to prevail. You can talk to them heart to hear especially now that it seems your kid doesn't listen to you anymore because she have your parents to console her if you scolded her. Explain to them that what their doing creates your child to oppose you in your rule and regulations, tell them also that your child learned to tell you a lie, becuse of that. Day will come, they will develop that attitude of telling lies to your child that will surely a big regret for them too. Ask them to help you to discipline the child for her own good if they really love your kid. Good luck and happy mylotting.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
I am in the process of talking to them again. Let us see how well it goes. In the meanwhile, I am taking her there only on alternate days so that she gets used to being with me more often and is comfortable doing things with me. Thanks for your reply. And happy lotting.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
21 Sep 10
It's difficult for your child to accept and learn discipline from you when your parent interferes with how you go about it. I know that a parenrt is usually just trying to offer their help and advice. Sometimes they can make matters wworse. You need to take a stand when it comes to raising your own children., Let your parents know that you appreciate them, but you want to discipline your child on your own.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
Thanks for the response. That is what I am trying to do but they dont seem to listen. Only when I shout at them that they stop it for about a day or two. I know that they love her very very much especially since she is the first grandchild in the family. But sometimes it goes out of hand and then I take such drastic steps. Life would be much simpler for me if they would let me do the disciplining.
• United States
21 Sep 10
I know your pain and wish somehow it could become easy for you. I only wish one day you could stop and be thankful for what you have. You have something I only wish my daughter could have. She has a whole bunch of family who she passes by in the street like strangers. all they say is hi. No one is close enough to say come over to dinner one night. You have people willing to help you with your daughter I hope you don't keep her away and thinks get bad for you. grandparents are there to help spoil the child it is thier nature to do this. Be happy she still has thm and so do youe
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
I am sorry for your daughter. And I am grateful for my parents and my sisters and all the others who are there to help us out. But sometimes it gets out of hand, you know? Even the very basic and simplest things get ignored like when I have to struggle to get her to brush her teeth or take bath or get ready to school or when I make her drink more water etc. It is very difficult to do this when she stays at my parents' place. Since we stay nearby we go there almost every day. So the spoiling continues and I am in a fix as to what to do. I guess I have to discipline my parents first
@krupesh (2608)
• India
21 Sep 10
The same thing is happening with my children as well Vijay.Whenever I scold them they run to my parents & inturn my parents scold me for scolding the children.My parents always come in between.In a way they are spoiling them.But it is the affection they do like this & for me also its a mystery that when they can understand.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
21 Sep 10
This is a universal problem isn't it? Sigh! I hate it when they do that and that drives me crazy. When will the parents understand that their intereferance spoils the character of the child?