Are you in an abusive relationship? How to tell if you are!

United States
October 12, 2010 9:37pm CST
I saw a program on tv about a young girl still in school and she was being abused by her boyfriend. She had no idea that he was abusing her. She even thought she was doing things wrong to cause him to hit he. She was not. Her parents made her go for counseling. The counselor asked her to do something, one simple thing! Look up on the internet, "what are the signs of an abusive relationship" The answers came up. They were short and to the point. I know women that are abused and I was an abused woman. We have to understand we did nothing wrong! We have to understand that if they hit you once they will do it again! Oh they cry and say they never will. But they do. I ask you to look this up. The reason I say this and brought this here is we have had someone here ask if she was being abused by her husband. We all know someone that is abused or was. Please pass this on and have them look up this one question. It will help them to know if they are being abused. Then people need to know that their are national numbers to call if you know someone being abused. They can get help. Will you look this up? Do you know someone that needs the answer to this question? Thank you for sharing and responding.
4 people like this
12 responses
• Philippines
13 Oct 10
hello moondancer! it would be easy to spot the damage if its physical abuse, but if its mental or emotional, the scars could get so deep yet barely noticed if ever by other people. i was abused by my ex-husband, initially it was all emotional and psychological abuse to the point that i lose confidence in myself. Nobody noticed this and they all tell me my ex-husband was so quiet and good coz he never let on to others that he was torturing me mentally and emotionally. i was almost on the point of breaking down when he started on physical abuse. it was a blessing in a way, it made me realize how bad the situation i am in and it forged my decision to get away.the last time was when he kicked me in the stomach for no reason at all, except that he did not like that my work colleagues (women) prepared a little advance celebration for my birthday. He wanted me all to himself, he was invited but he didn't went, he just didn't want me to be happy. now, i don't have to look up the signs of an abusive relationship. i know it all too well. and i promised myself that i would not let anybody hurt or abused me again, no matter how i love them, i will definitely get out or die trying. i definitely applied it with one of my later relationships. he abused me, i left him, he didn't want me to leave and so he hurt me, i reported him to the police. now? he can't even go even a meter of me. i've had enough of someone hurting me. i try to love and care for them yet that's what i get in return? oh no, i don't blame myself for their behavior, they're just plain abusers, crazy, only i didn't know it at first, too blinded by love i guess.
• United States
13 Oct 10
I'm sorry I don't know what happened to my response but it added it twice.
@keshia2007r (2886)
• United States
13 Oct 10
i'm not in a abusive relationship. but there are ways to tell if you are. for instance. being in a controlling relationship can lead to being abused. physically, emotionally. whatever the case maybe. some of the time, me in an controlling/abusive realtionship who are the abuser will prevent you from seeing or speaking to your friends or family. thats emotional abuse. i believe. i don't understand people like that. another way to see if you are in an abusive relationship is if the man or women hits you first. it will happen again. plain and simple. i've seem this myself.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30999)
• United States
13 Oct 10
Hi there Moondancer, I was in an abusive marriage. I knew full well that I was being abused. Hitting is wrong.....Always! It's complex. It really is. I stayed way longer than I should have and I had every excuse under the sun as to why I stayed. We had kids, I had no money etc....they all seemed and felt legit. I got councelling after I left and my councelor gave me a homework assignment. He asked me to focus not on why my husband abused me but rather why I stayed in a situation that most women would have run from long before it reached the point that it did. violence esculates. Did you know that you can become addicted to your own adrenalin? You can and women in abusive relationships do get addicted to their adrenelin. If they do not get help, even if they leave the relationship, they will go on to another relationship that is abusive, probably more so. A good book on this topic is "Women who love too much" and Letters from women who love too much." Abuse is progressive. It almost always gets worse.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30999)
• United States
13 Oct 10
Oh it is so worth it. Nothing is as hard and draining as putting up with the abuse.There is a mountain of support and help for women in these relationships. No one should put up with it.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Oct 10
No, I don't think anything is worth dealing with abuse. This is why I say, it will be hadr at first and you won't know where to start or what to do, but get out. Go start a new life. It's worth the effort and yes, there are so many ways to get help these days.
@cynthiann (18618)
• Jamaica
13 Oct 10
Throughout my life I have witnessed many women in abusive relationships. Regretfully, the culture out here for people living in deprived communities is that it is expected for the male to hit the female. Thank God this is changing. The young people were conditioned to feel that if their BF/husbands did this to them then it meant that they were loved. I taught for ten years in a High School out here and assisted the counselor. Many times I had to fight back tears as the girls had such low esteem and low expectations of their life. I have a wooden plaque on my door and burned into it are the words,'Cynthie's Place'. Women in my community know that the door is always open for them or their children. Blessings
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18618)
• Jamaica
13 Oct 10
Not sure how I managed to post twice Apologies
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
mylot has messed up now twice that I know of. They put my response to a post in twice too.
@ANTIQUELADY (36471)
• United States
13 Oct 10
Good morning, Good discussion. I was abused to but thank heavens i finally had enough sense to get out of it . It's been a long time ago but it's still very vivid in my mind. Wish everyone that's in that kind of relationship could get out of it. I don't think it ever changes. If they are mean enough to do it once it want stop later. Have a happy wed.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
I'm so sorry that you were put through that. It's so sad that a man or a woman for that matter can't just love someone the right way without all of the different ways they think of abusing someone. I'm so glad you grew strong enough to get out of that. Bless you.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36471)
• United States
13 Oct 10
Thanks Dear, i'm glad to.
1 person likes this
@alottodo (3061)
• Australia
13 Oct 10
I did suffer abuse in my first marriage...and now I have a family member who is going thorough the same thing and the bad thing is she thinks it's her fault! she is now going to counselling after a break down...but she still thinks her partner is the best man in the world! you know I give up...I just hope one day she will realize her mistake and not get hurt any further. I know what you mean! you get hit once[ you forgive]but remember that once already have set a pattern for abuse... to me any one in a relationship like that! run a mile and never turn back.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
May I suggest that you take pictures every time she has bruises or anything that shows he hurt her. Then when she is ready to do something she will have proof. That's what I did for my daughter with her kids dad. He beat her so badly and choked her. He almost killed her before she gave up on him. You have to put them out and change the locks and get a restraining order. This is what she was told.
• United States
13 Oct 10
I watched a movie on tv last night about a teen age girl being abused by her boy friend..Is this the program you are talking about..I do not know anyone who is being abused now..I was abused as a young wife and in another relationship when I was older..No matter the situation a man or teenage male has no right to abuse his wife or girlfriend..I think the movie was based on a true story..The boyfriend had the girl brainwashed into thinking she was doing something wrong that caused him to hit her..I think that happens to a lot of women and teenage girls..Maybe stories like that will help some of them to realize it is not their fault and they will get out of the abusive relationships.. Love and blessings to you..
• United States
13 Oct 10
You are right of course, no one has the right to touch another person in a hurtful way or in anger Do you remember Jetta and Cass? She use to abuse him. He got called in front of the Captain and was getting a what for and that if it did not stop he would be in the brig if another word got out about it. Cass was embarrassed but he told Cap that she was the abuser not him! So men are on the end of an abusing wife sometimes too. Also children are abused by parents and so forth.
• United States
14 Oct 10
Yes,I remember them..I did not know that was going on though..I know women can be abusers as well as men and even children..A lot of parents are abused by their children,Girls and boys..I saw a movie based on a true story where a daughter was abusing her parents..Yes a lot of children are abused by their parents and by their peers too..It is so sad that so much abuse is going on..
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48712)
• United Kingdom
13 Oct 10
Hi Sweetie I to was in an abusive Marriage for 21 years First it was physical abuse, then turned to verbal and mental abuse It is hard to get out of a Marriage like that and as I went through a bad Childhood to I was very scared, would not stand up for myself and was in the believe that my Body was just there to be used and abused Then at the age of 40 I knew I could take any more and I would not, this was just before all the tests started for my Illness, no support from the Ex Husband or anything, I decided to be brave and finish it all and I did, but it took a long time to get over it all, to get rid of the fear of being hurt, of trusting People People who have not been through it will never understand what it is like
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
Absolutely, if they have not lived it then they do not know what we have been through or had to deal with and how we lived. Fear is an awesome thing. It can make us stay or give us strength to leave or stand up for ourselves. I hope every abused person quickly gets that urge to help themselves and get out of the situation they are in and not go through it as long as many of us did. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I'm also very glad that you found the nerve to do what you must. Good for you. Any time even later is good to get out. It takes longer to get over it because the emotional abuse is deep. But you can and you did. SO did I. Love you dear.
@cynthiann (18618)
• Jamaica
13 Oct 10
Throughout my life I have witnessed many women in abusive relationships. Regretfully, the culture out here for people living in deprived communities is that it is expected for the male to hit the female. Thank God this is changing. The young people were conditioned to feel that if their BF/husbands did this to them then it meant that they were loved. I taught for ten years in a High School out here and assisted the counselor. Many times I had to fight back tears as the girls had such low esteem and low expectations of their life. I have a wooden plaque on my door and burned into it RE THE WORDS,'Cynthie's Place'. Women in my community know that the door is always open for them or their children. Blessings
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
That is inspiring Cynthiann, I also help women and children when they need it. I have also helped men and girls alone. They need someone to be there for them. Cudos to you.
• Portugal
13 Oct 10
im not^^ he didnt hurt me even emotionally^^ but abusive relationships are not just those that someone gets beaten up. is also say bad words all the time and say that the person is trash and bad words. thats also. i know that sometimes people dont want to see the reality but they have to see. sometimes people think is their fault is true but is not. noone should be beaten up. and the first time a guy beats in girls or also some guys that get beaten by gfs they should leave right away. we can find someone that loves us and respects us and wouldnt beat us :( so we should dont waste time with this people :(
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Oct 10
You are so right. Words hurt and they cut like a knife and sting more than a wasp when he starts on you. I have been there to. I know...many of us have been there. Read the other responses and you will see that you are far from being alone. Thank you for sharing with us.
@celticeagle (122704)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Oct 10
It is sad indeed. I was also an abused women and I know of many others that were as well. They promise it won't happen again but, sure as not, it does. Over and over again it happens. And until a woman sees it for what it is it will continue. That is the sad part of it all. I am glad they are making movies to help educate women.
• United States
13 Oct 10
I was abused by my first husband and then in a realationship after that. Then I was in a mental abusive one for years. I had enough each time but I did not know he would be that way. They are so nice to begin with until they get you to caring for them.
@Memnon (2173)
13 Oct 10
I think the program highlighted one of the most sinister aspects of abuse.. That the abuser is often able to convince a partner that she is the problem: which often results in a loss of self worth, leading to greater dependency on him.
• United States
14 Oct 10
Oh yes, and he alienates her from everyone else leaving him to be the only one she has.
1 person likes this