I'm in love but it's complicated...
By fourjems08
@fourjems08 (550)
Philippines
October 13, 2010 10:57pm CST
My husband and I had been together for 9 years but our marriage has always been a chaos. He always comes home late or early the next morning without my knowledge of his whereabouts or activities. And everytime I text him he never replies and if I call him his phone is dead. He had many alibis in the morning and we always end up fighting. I sometimes receive bruises and harsh words from him. And no matter what I do, he never changed. Now the time comes that I felt my heart had stopped loving him and I got tired of my miserable life with him. I started to have pity for myself and want to live a peaceful life away from him. But everytime I tell him about my plans of living separate lives, he will not let me go. He always ask for new chance which I always give him for a hundred times but still he's the same. I sent him to work abroad to give me enough space.
I never went out with any other guy or entertain anyone in the net until one day someone found my ym id and made friends with me. I accepted his request without malice as we were just talking and exchanging PTC sites. It had been normal friendship for a year until just recently he said he wanted to see me. I had a strange feeling towards him just before that and I was ignoring it coz I don't want to cheat to my husband even if he causes me much pain and hurt throughout our entire marriage. Now my feelings had gone strong and ignoring it just made it worst. He shared the same feelings as I do even for the reason that I'm married. We're both happy when we chat online even if we are worlds apart.
Even with this happy feeling and knowing the fact that it is wrong, I'm still confused. Don't I deserve to be happy? I had given everything to my husband. Sacrificed everything for him including my family. I fought for our love despite my mother being against him. But I was not treated right. And I'm no longer happy. I wanted to be free of him and be happy with my new found love. What should I do? Can anyone give me their own perspective in this kind of situation?
2 people like this
10 responses
@jennyze (7029)
• Indonesia
14 Oct 10
As you said this guy lives world apart from you. Can you really believe him over a chat? Did you two meet personally? Who knows about his real character? Often with an online romance, everything is a scam/ lie. You deserve a new life and happiness, but I just want you to be careful. We say, online romance is just like buying a cat inside a bag.
1 person likes this
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Oh yes I am very much aware of liers lying everywhere. Even those close to you lie to you. I'm planning to meet him next year. Anyway, I said I'm in love with him but it doesn't mean I'm gonna leave everything for him. I just want to be happy and enjoy the moment with him. I'm not expecting him to commit himself to me as I am married and he's not. And even if there is no him, I had always thought of leaving my husband and be free of him just to be able to pick up the scattered pieces of me again.
1 person likes this
@tjen_anni (317)
• Indonesia
14 Oct 10
It is a very complicated situation....Actually, you deserve to receive your own happiness. The question is' Are you sure he is your Mr.right and won't find the same experience?'
In my opinion, you should communicate with your husband, what make your husband treats you bad. Talk to him. Perhaps the third person, like a marriage consultant or a preacher, would help to bridge your communication with your husband. If it didn't work, then divorce is the only way.
You know what it best for you...I hope the Lord will show you the way...
1 person likes this
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Well the question of "Is he the right guy" does not pop up in my mind yet. We are happy being together and we're not talking of getting married or taking everything seriously to that level. I have 4 kids and even if I leave my husband without a third party involved, I will not go into deep relationships. I tried talking to my husband in every possible way, he listens and say sorry but never make the effort to change. I hope I will be guided too by Him. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@trinale (1479)
• United States
18 Oct 10
OMG Fourjem08! I have seen your type of situation over and over and over during the course of my adult life and personally experienced it once. I was married 18 years when my wife decided she wanted and deserved more out of life and asked for a divorce. I had thrown myself into my new job and for almost 2 years I was working anywhere from 16-20 hours a day. I basically ignored her, thinking to myself that after being married so long, she wasn't going anywhere. I wished she had came to me earlier and told me what she was feeling, but by the time she had made up her mind, it was too late and there was no point in me trying to fight the divorce.
Now typically, I would state here that there is ALWAYS two sides to any story and your husband would definitely have a different story to tell. But I have to admit here that you are right because I have seem his type tooooo many times. Your husband loves you but he's not "in love" with you anymore. He is being selfish doesn't respect your feelings. You are scared to leave because you're worried about being able to support yourself and your children if he doesn't do his part. If you have family or really good friends that could provide you with a support system, you REALLY need to seriously talk to him and let him know how you feel and that you can't stay in an unhappy relationship because it's not healthy for you. You need to give him that one last opportunity to change (people can change sometimes) and if he doesn't after you talk, then he's not going to change and you need to move on and find your happiness.
If you do decide to move on, you need to do it, not to be with someone else, especially someone you've only known online. That's another story entirely. You need to find a way to support yourself and be happy on your own before getting into another relationship too soon.
Whatever you decide Fourjem08, I wish you the very best because if nothing else, everyone deserves to at least be happy in life.
Cheers,
Stan
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
I have given him thousand of chances, sad to say, but he just wasted all of them. Now he tells me he changed for good now but i cannot trust him anymore. Many times we try to talk and sort things out but it never worked out. I just hope everything will turn out fine in the end. So sad that your wife decided to end your marriage. I don't want to marry and marry and marry. I'm a one-man-woman kind of person. It just so happen I was not cared enough.
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
14 Oct 10
I can understand that your abusive marriage is enough for you. Finally you realize that is not what you want for yourself. That there is life without abuse.
Get a divorce, get out on your own to find out who you truly are now. I am not saying give up on the other man you seem to have strong feelings for. I am saying be on your own for awhile to know what you truly want. Being in an abusive relationship changes us, we forget we can be strong, we can make our own choices, we can be alive and love without getting hurt.
@Youreyes4Today (2356)
• United States
15 Oct 10
I am sorry that you can't get away from the abuse. It isn't right that men or women can use physical abuse/mental abuse to keep someone under their control. It is just so wrong.
I hope you are able to figure something out for you.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Yes you are right. Unfortunately, there is no divorce in our country. And even if there is, I am very sure that my husband will not cooperate.
@harshrosicky (626)
• India
14 Oct 10
This seriously dependents on what kind of person you are. My mom is a psychiatrist so i know. It is some peoples internal tendency to remain sad. They are mainly emotional people. They always need changing emotions in their life. If you are one of them then i don't think you should leave your husband. But if you are strong and really want to be happy.... then you may give it a try.
There is another possibility. You were in desperate need of someone to listen and talk to you. it maybe is also that the guy your talk to on net is not what you think. The need for someone like that made him like that to you. So he may not turn out to be as good as you think he is. You should give this a serious thought before you do anything...
1 person likes this
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Thank you for your response. I believe I have a strong personality. That's what other people tells me. I'm planning to meet him next year and want to give us a try. Though we don't think of the future yet. We just want to enjoy the moment together while it last. I can't say I am desperate of someone to talk to. As I've said, we just exchange earning sites before and not talk about my personal problems in life. I'm just confused that I don't want to feel guilty of loving someone else but I also want to be happy. I will give it a serious thoughts though...and hope I'll find answers soon.
1 person likes this
@SimpleBB (1329)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
Having been in a chaotic relationship with your husband, and based on your message, I could say that everyone deserves to be happy. Even though your mom is against him, you still fought for your love for him then. And for you, the relationship you're into is a mistake. But how can you be sure that your newly found guy whos making a space in your heart is true? You met only in internet for a year. How can you be sure that he won't be like someone you're with now?
You still in your sense of knowing what is good and what is bad despite of all you're going through, and still you are confused. Buy time to think well about it. Everyone deserves to be happy, but what if you're just escaping from a mistake, do you have assurance that this would not be a mistake anymore? Take time to think before make an action.
@kalinka1 (72)
• Belgium
14 Oct 10
First of all wanted to tell you that everyone deserves to be happy, so even you.
You say that you have given him allready many chances and he doesn't uses them. You say that he doesn't want to let you go, but on the other hand he doesn't want or can't be more appreciative to you.
In the end he has nothing to say about it, if he's threathing you badly, if you're unhappy, if you want to leave, you should leave.
You say that you have given up your family, but I'm sure that if you ask them they would support you, so I really think that it's not the case that you have nowhere to go.
So basicly if you want to leave and if you've really been thinking hard about it, then you should leave.
If you want to go and be with your new love, then go, but don't take to fast. Take it slowly and find out if you're a real match, because these feelings you're having now could very well be there because it's new and exciting. Maybe those will fade after time, maybe not. But I think you shouldn't do anything without thinking about it and just give eveything up again for this new guy.
So my advise would be leave your husband if you're truly unhappy with him, and about the new guy, take things slow and make sure this is the real thing before you deside anything definitively.
@fourjems08 (550)
• Philippines
14 Oct 10
I really appreciate your point of view about this. I somehow felt relieved. Yes I'm taking things slow here and considering everything before arriving a final decision. Thanks!
@aeiou78 (3445)
• Malaysia
14 Oct 10
You are really a typical good oriental woman.
In my point of view, you must faith to your husband and your children. You must taking care of the whole family.
As a guy, I understand very much of what other guys think. Mostly, they just want to have fun with you. They never serious to you. But some of the women are the same too.
If both of them are having the same interest just to have an affair and an adultery, then it will be fine. Never imagine me to be same as them.
May be your husband is having the problem in earning the living. No matter how, you must fully support, understand, tolerance and share with him.
You should talk nicely to your husband about your problem in his attitude.
Although you want to split with your husband, you never allow the third party as your boyfriend to join in first. Stop communicate with your online boyfriend.
Make your self quite, cool and conscious.
In Chinese culture, once you married with your husband, you must with him until the last of your breath.
ha! ha! ha! They might become extinct, except YOU !!!
Just to remind you about my personal views, "Not so easy to build up a family and Not so easy to start all over again".
As long as your husband is still returning home after his work, you must be tolerance. You must also build up your own financial support and keep your own money. Never expect knowing another guy to get the financial support.
Appreciate of what you have at the moment.
@swissheart (6482)
• Romania
14 Oct 10
you'll need to realise what you really want...of course he'll always try to get you back...he feels comfortable with the idea that he has someone to take care fo him. but if you want to go on with you marraige you have to make him respect you. and I'm sorry to tell you but he doesn't respect you when he sees that no matter what he does you forgieve him and accept him back. why don't you try to consult a marriage consuler...he might help you understan him better..and maybe he'll make your relationship work.
