I wonder if he thinks I abandoned him?

United States
October 15, 2010 2:43pm CST
I have had this on my mind the last few days! He has been on my mind alot lately but I never thought this would cross my mind! I know that all started because the book I am currently reading deals with a girl who wants to find her birth mom because she feels she was abandoned but wasn't.Her birth mother's mom forced her to give her doughter up for adoption! So know I wonder if my son feels the same way! I didn't! I gave him up for adoption because I knew it was the best for him! If I kept him it would of been hell! I would be on welfare,miserable,not getting any support from the father and knowing he would want to see his son when I know I wouldn't want that! It was just best for nim but for myself,too! I had to find myself and figure out what to do with my life! If I keep my son I would of been a lousey mother! I would probaly of ignored him,yell at him for no reason and done some other crappy stuff! I know I wouldn't hit him or harm him! i would of mentally abused him like I was by my father! That would be a fact! I have not heard from him in a year. I would like to but I am not sure if I should or not! I want him in my life and I hope he doesn't hate me! I still,at times,think did this really happen? When will I wake up from this dream? No wonder I am bummed out! If it isn't one thing it is another! I wish I wasn't feeling like this!
3 people like this
8 responses
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
17 Oct 10
Hi blue, I wouldn't worry about it. Most kids do understand why they were put up for adoption and don't hate their biological parents especially once they know the circumstances and if they have had a good upbringing. Sometimes, giving a child up for adoption is an act of love and from what you tell us it was for you. I would contact him if I were you and tell him what you told us here.
• United States
20 Oct 10
I might contact him and maybe not. Right now I will let it sink in my brain! I know I gave my son up for adoption because I love him! I hope he thikns that! If he is anything like me he knows this and I didn't abandon him!
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
20 Oct 10
I have never been in your spot and I ca only imagine how hard it is for you. You know I wish you the best no matter what.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
20 Oct 10
Blue, I'm a mom and my kids were all born in really compromising times in my life. I opted to go the hard road and raise them myself. That being said and now that they are all grown , I can imagine how it would have been if I had given them up...any one of them. They are all someone I would want to know. I really think it is the only way to put closure on this. Nothing in the world can take away from the fact that you are the mother of that person. I just think you need to meet this person you gave birth to and come to some sort of peace with it. I imagine he does too.
• United States
16 Oct 10
Stop It! You did the Right thing. You put his needs first. Deep In your heart you weren't going to be a good mother and you didn't want an abortion , right? So you did the Right thing , the selfless thing , you gave him up! Don't you Ever let yourself feel guilty about this decision. you said he Has contacted you? When you first talked did he seem resentful or was he happy to connect? If it is the former , then maybe , Just maybe he thinks you abandoned him. but if he was happy to talk to you , then hi doesn't.it has been a year?! Is he on facebook? If so, write him! Or call. Tell him the reason and how you Don't want him to think you just abandoned him! Your reasons are Valid! So find him and tell him
• United States
20 Oct 10
Since I started this discussion I have been feeling better about this! I know I did the right thing! I was feeling guilty but am not anymore! When I tlake to him on the phone (he called me) he seemed happy and asked me alot of questions and talked about meeting me. That never happened! He is on Facebook and that is how I got hold of him when I had written him back after he sent me a letter. We were Facebook friends for a few weeks then he deleted me! I had told him the whole story why I gave him up for adoption before this. After that is when he deleted me!I contacted him and he said he had alot to think about.I understood and said I would not contact him until he contacted me again. It has been a year and nothing! At times I don't know what to think! Other times I just think he is young and he'll come around sooner or later. I might contact him on Facebook if I think it is a good time. We'll see! thats for the kick in the butt!
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Oct 10
What are friends for? You did all you can do. He knows the truth and hopefully he'll call back. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk , send me a private message.
@KrauseHome (35517)
• United States
14 Jul 12
I think this would always be the hardest thing to deal with with anyone who has ever had to give up a child for Adoption. Doing it completely without anyone being in the picture I am sure is easier than for me when my Mom divorced my real Dad and then while he was alive only taking time to only meet me once, and that was when I was an Adult. I am sure as you get older this does become harder and which would be the Best? I would say maybe if he really is interested let him try and find you, so then you know it was of good intentions.
• United States
17 Jul 12
Right now I am waiting for my son to get hold of me again. I have had a few phone calls and letters. That has been like a year and a half since I heard form him. I am friends with his mom on Facebook. I know my son is going growing pains in the past year. He wants to be on his own and be dependent. He is alot like me in that way! I am being patient. When he is ready he will contact me and we can meet. Until than I can wait. I know I didn't abandon him but how he feels about that I don't know. Maybe I will know someday.
@jojo732 (295)
16 Oct 10
Hi You did the right thing.I was adopted as a baby, I was brought up in a home with two loving parents who told me from the age of seven that I had been adopted,and that they told me how special my birth mother had been to give me to them they said they were the luckiest parents alive to have gotten me. I wanted for nothing ,but at the same time they taught me to care about others. They said anytime I wanted to try and find out more about my birth mother they would support and help me.When I was 18 I told them I wanted to find out about my birth family and they supported me all the way, I did meet my birth mother and other members of my birth family, she is a good woman who did what she thought was best for me, she married but had no more children,. We still keep in contact, my adoptive parents have met her they all get on well ,she is my birth mother and I thank her for giving birth to me and having the courage to allow such a wonderful couple that are my mum and dad to bring me up. So please don't keep guilt -tripping yourself, you don't say how long ago you gave your son up for adoption, but I am guessing if he is over 18, and you haven't heard from him ,he is probably just an ordinary young man happily getting on with his life. You need to stop beating yourself up it's no good for you. I don't know if this of any help but felt i should respond. jojo732
• United States
20 Oct 10
Thanks for thr response! I appreciate it! I am not beating myself up like I was the other day! I have come to terms,pretty much,with all this! My son is 20 and will be 21 on 12/02/10. I would not doubt he is getting on with his life! I hope he will want to meet me as time goes on! I have thought of contacting him but I might wait on that!
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
16 Oct 10
It is good that you are remembering the reasons. I don't know how old your son is now but if you tell him what you said to us..there is no doubt in my mind that he will understand and respect your choice. If not now..later. I was raised by my grandparents and when I was young..I didn't understand but now...I understand totally and am so thankful that they raised me. My mother has never come to me with apologies but that's ok. I am ok with her choice. I do wish we could have become closer but it really wasn't meant to be that way. I think that your son would like that too if you wanted it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Throw that book away.
• United States
20 Oct 10
My son is 20 and will be 21 on 12/02/10. I think,if he is anything like me,he knows I didn't abandon him! I might try to contact him on Facebook but maybe I'll wait aWhile! I'm not sure what I will do yet! I want him in my life and maybe that will happen someday!
@ElicBxn (60895)
• United States
15 Oct 10
I worked for an adoption registry for a number of years. I spoke to many adoptees and birth mothers in that time. Most adoptees KNOW their mothers gave them up because it was best for the child, not necessarily because it was what they thought needed to, but because it was best to do. In fact, I saw cases where children were removed because of abuse, I even grew up knowing a family it happened to (I knew the children post-adoption) and later I looked at those records, and they were removed for a really good reason! So, most adoptees don't think they were abandoned, I wonder if this is a case of the child writing the story or some one reading things into a case... Not to say that there aren't a FEW who think that, mostly because the placement wasn't that good - and the adoptive parents probably shouldn't have been approved.
• United States
20 Oct 10
I am probaly over reacting on this! I am sure my son is not thinking I abandoned him! If I wasn't readin the book I am I might be thinking these crazy thoughts! Nice to know there are people like you who have worked with adoptees and know more about this then I do! I will try not and worry about this!
• Portugal
16 Oct 10
you did that bcs you loved and cared for him^^ im sure that he would like to meet you and know why you abandoned him. im sure that if you explain to him your reasons like you explained to us here he will understand^^ you did that not bcs didnt love him but bcs was the best for him. you were having problems and didnt want him to be affected by it and have a normal happy life^^ so you should try to contact him^^ and talk with him and see him. im sure his parents that addopted him wont mind that you see him and be close to him^^ you just want to be near your son what is a very normal thing^^ if your life is ok now and you feel you are able to see him do that^^
• United States
16 Oct 10
That's a hard one. I personally can not every see myself giving up on any of my children by giving them up for adoption. Yet I do understand why people do. A child is apart of you and will always be a part of you until the day you die. Most children that have been adopted and don't know who there parents are, go looking for them.