Would you have an arranged marriage with someone chosen by parents?

@devijay78 (1575)
India
October 17, 2010 4:07pm CST
Mine is an arranged marriage, as it happens in India. It was a typical arranged match, the guy comes to see the girl along with his family and if it is ok for him and the girl, then the families go ahead with the engagement and then after a few months, marriage. I have always wondered if it would be acceptable in other parts of the world. I know it does not happen that way, but how would it be if your parents bring in a match for you and ask you to marry the guy/girl whom you have not even known exists, a few days back? It was difficult adjusting to each other as well as their families in the beginning. A lot of misunderstandings and fights later now we are fond of each other and find it difficult to stay without each other's company. We miss each other badly and want to be together all the time. People are surprised that this kind of affection is there between us as ours is an arranged marriage. Well, how about yours? Would you agree for an arranged marriage?
3 people like this
17 responses
@max1950 (2313)
• United States
17 Oct 10
it's not for me to judge other cultures and their beliefs but i find arranged marriages barbaric
1 person likes this
@max1950 (2313)
• United States
17 Oct 10
its fine if you love someone and marry them but having someone tell you your marrying another person maybe someone you dont even know is not only barbaric, its from cave times this is the 21st century not 1st, if you want to marry someone you dont know perhaps and try to make a marriage work be my guest. then mommy and daddy will tell you when to wipe yourself, grow up
1 person likes this
@franne32 (695)
• Philippines
17 Oct 10
Wow good for you that you ended up with someone you love, even if it took time. I'm not against it because as you've said, both of you have to agree first before proceeding with the marriage. It's just that you're lucky that you love each other. I don't think others are fortunate.
1 person likes this
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
I know that many people are not lucky that way. But dont you think this applies to any marriage and not just arranged marriages? Has not even love marriages failed and led to a miserable existence for the couple?
@laken02 (3067)
• United States
17 Oct 10
probably not, unless i met the guy and then liked him then i might go on a date with him .. and if we hit if off them keep dating which might end up in marraige. i am glad you found a nice partner in this marraige.. and that the two of you hit if off so well that is great im happy for you... your parents must have good taste and you are lucky they picked someone you can love... take care
1 person likes this
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
17 Oct 10
Thanks, but you missed my point. We had a bad four years of marriage, in fact so bad that we thought of divorce. But I did not want to go down without a fight at least for my daughter's sake, so I changed things about myself, as well as in the marriage. Now it is kind of ok and we still have a long way to go. We would be celebrating our fifth anniversary this nov. Hope everything goes well in future too.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Oct 10
I am glad you posted this as I wondered with the arranged marriage cultures how people actually got along when they are complete strangers. So I thank you for enlightening me as I was under impression it is what it is and people just never spoke about it. Sounds pretty difficult to me but bless all who can and maybe just maybe I being from US and not in this form of arrangement obligation, knowing that it is not an obligation can assess from the outside. I often wondered if because you are raised in this manner you just never had a say and conformed to the custom and well that is why it is not difficult for your culture. See being from a non-cultural of this form I suppose we have been given the freedom and that is why we find it out of the question for us that is. So I completely see how it all works out in the end that you all basically learn from the beginning and do exactly what the marriage is intended compromise and work things through. Congrats to you by the way. As for me I do not think I could do it as again I suppose have been given the freedom to choose it now becomes difficult to opt to do something out of obligation and or cultural ways.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
19 Oct 10
You are absolutely right. Culture and tradition does make us what we are and this is what happens in my country and that is why I don't find it odd as the others are. And they feel that way because they are from an entirely different country where the culture or different norms are followed. Here in India, love marriages are frowned upon. So there you are! I have seen both love as well as arranged marriages fail. So, I believe that it totally depends on the couple involved. And yes, any marriage needs comprmise and willingness to work things out. I just hope this lasts in my case.
• United States
19 Oct 10
Just wanted to wish you lots of lasting happiness.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
20 Oct 10
Hey, thanks a lot!
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
Here in my country arranged marriage is not the usual thing when it comes to marriage. If you asks me,no,i will not going to marry someone who i do not know. Maybe we can met and if i like the guy,we can have a trial period of knowing each other. Date and know our compatibility. It's not easy to live my whole life time with someone totally stranger. So,i won't go for an instant arranged marriage.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
There is something most of them dont know about arranged marriages. The couple get engaged and the marriage is held some months later, right? This period is actually for them to get to know each other and decide if they want to get married or not. I am not saying you can know a person in just a couple of months' time, but atleast we get a fair idea and prepare ourselves to get accostomed to sharing our life with that person.
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
19 Oct 10
couple of months is not enough to know each other. married couples even get separated after years of being together becoz they found out that they can't live more years being incompatible for many things. anyway...it is your culture and tradition...thanks for sharing it. Have a good day always.
@aeiou78 (3457)
• Malaysia
19 Oct 10
In my opinion, quarrelling and fighting in between the husband and wife is a very common issue. This might be the way they exchange their opinions. ha! ha! ha! But each of them must keep in their minds that their utmost concern is your commitment and your obligation to take care of your whole family inclusive your children. You can fight, you can quarrel, but you never allow the Third party to join in. I have seen an older copule never communicate to each other after their fighting and quarrelling. Each of them were still taking care of the family very well. They were still willing to take care of each other during certain cases. It was just because of the family and their children. As what I knew, they were arranged marriage couple too.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
19 Oct 10
The case of the older couple is what I have seen in every household almost. But that happens even between couples who had a love marriage. I think quarelling becomes serious in love marriages because the emotional expectation and dependance is more. So when either of them fall short, disappointment sets in.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
Now I understand why and what is into arrange marriage. Most of the them are going to know each other first then go for marriage right after they like. At firs t it was hard to cope up but later it will be fine. And time will come they fall inlove and later was hard to separate the love or life. At first to think that it was arrange and you can marry the person you d not meet before was really hard to convince our self to go along with him in one roof. But if the outcome was god well it would go over and over as this is their tradition.If that was good at the end i go for that. have a nice day!
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
19 Oct 10
But nowadays arranged marriages are fast disappearing. There are people who love each other madly but would like to wait for their parents to approve, and then get married. They fight hard to get their parents to approve. And when they do, then the marriage takes place with all the family members and extended family present. That becomes love - arranged then.
@Strovek (870)
• Malaysia
18 Oct 10
Arrange marriage is fine as long as parties involved have the right to reject. This is quite similar to match making services many resort to when they do not have to time to search.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
19 Oct 10
We do have the right to reject. But we seldom use it. Well, for people living in the other side of the world it would be very very difficult if not impossible to understand how things are in an arranged marriage. And as it involves the family as a whole and not only the couple getting married, we do take all others' opinions into account.
@pt2586 (47)
• Vietnam
18 Oct 10
i don't like that, i want to choose my husband tobe, and my parents respect my opinion. maybe i'm a lucky girl. because many parents want their children to do what they ask for.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
19 Oct 10
Maybe you are! Most of us would like to do that. But in our society, it is difficult to change the parents' way of thinking. Things are changing now, but I don't know if for good or bad. There are a lot of issues to be faced when one goes for a love marriage. So if one is to have a love marriage in India, it is going to be tough and they should be willing to face a lot of opposition from the parents' side especially.
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
I think arranged marriages are far more successful than marriages arranged by both the woman and man involve. In India, I presume that there are less divorce cases because of this tradition. Parents know better than their children so I think it's very right that they are the ones who select the partners for their children. There are lovers who are very much inlove at first but then when they get married they fall out of love so what happens they got seperated. For me arranged marriages are far more better. How about you mylotters?
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
You have summed it up well. That is what I am trying to tell. Whatever type of marriage it is, it is the willingness to commit to each other and love and support each other matters. Nothing else is important. If this is there in every marriage, then arranged or love, the marriage will definitely work.
@jamed28 (1909)
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
Nope I don't have, and I don't want one, nor I will do it with my kids. I know parents knows best for their children, but this is one thing that parent should not intervene.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
What if we do not wish to have that kind of a love marriage? In India, love marriages are becoming more and more now. But there are still people who do get married the traditional way, I mean the arranged marriages. I would not interefere in my daughter's wish or life, but if she wants me to look for a groom for her, I think I would be terrified to the core. I definitely dont want to mess up things for her and if her life is spoilt because of my wrong decision, then I would die of guilt.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
18 Oct 10
I don;t think that i could go along with a marriage chosen for me by my parents. i wouldn;t be happy if i was obligated into a marriage. i would want to choose the one i marry for love.
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
My parents always say, that it is you who shape your destiny. In the sense that, whether good or bad happens in marriage, you have the ability to change it and make it work if you wish or let it die. That is your choice. Well, I chose to stay and fight for my right and now I am happy.
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
I won't agree with that kind of marriage. I believe that your perfect partner is not the one that your parents have chosen. It's awkward to the both of you having a fixed marriage well in fact you still don't know each other. But there are really others that survives in that kind of marriage and you're one of it. ^^
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
Our story started after marriage and that makes it all the more exciting. I do agree that I have had my share of problems in this marriage. But who does not? In any marriage that happens, right? So why do people condemn arranged marriages so much? Just because the persone is a stranger? Most often than not, we are given time to talk to each other, get to know each other well before marriage. So if anything goes wrong, the engagement can be broken. But that depends on the persons involved.
18 Oct 10
. ofcourse i wont.. i'll never let my parents choose my partner in life . its a lifetime commitment. its never easy at all . .wat if ur not happy to the person they chose for you. so , u wil just suffer for so many years . hmm. that kind of parents are so selfish . . they dont care bout the happiness o f there child. .
@devijay78 (1575)
• India
18 Oct 10
What if the person you choose changes in future? What if he/she stops loving you? When we can accept things done by our parents in all other things, why not marriage? After all, parents are the ones who have brought us up and always have out best interests at heart.
• United States
15 Aug 11
Hi! I guess in theory I wouldn't agree to an arranged marriage but it also depends on who my parents would find acceptable. If I could choose amongst a few families and see who would appreciate me for me, then I wouldn't feel as bad because I'd still have some degree of a choice. I am glad that you and your husband were able to work things out--first few years are hard on young families but if you really work at it and listen to each other, then there is a good chance of it working. As I am somewhat newly married (3/10), what do you suggest?
@pecito (304)
• Bulgaria
18 Oct 10
I think arranged marriages violate the human right of free will.I would prefer to make a mistake choosing the wrong person and regret it after instead of my parents decide it for me.
@jamed28 (1909)
• Philippines
18 Oct 10
Nope I don't have, and I don't want one, nor I will do it with my kids. I know parents knows best for their children, but this is one thing that parent should not intervene.