I marry the man I did not really love...but love the way he loves me....

Philippines
October 27, 2010 8:42am CST
Well, this is difficult for someone like me because I have a case that I marry the man I did not really love, because I have love someone else, but one night everything was change in an instant, when my husband slept with me and I have to give up the man I love. But after how many years, happiness is not that easy while kissing someone who is really a stranger. Sometimes I smile but I know I am not happy. After 10 years of living together I still feel not so happy, but I don't wanna hurt him, because I know he loves me very much, I guess. Well can you tell me do you have anything like this situation can you share it so I can at least relate that I am not the only one who is still seeking for the true happiness.
3 people like this
26 responses
@kevingee (283)
• Philippines
27 Oct 10
Actually for me, before you made the decision of marrying that man, maybe you should have considered of where you are really happy first because now that you're married already for years, its really hard to tell him that you didn't love him that much and you have loved someone else. Now that this has already happened and you cannot do anything about it anymore, maybe its hard to force yourself to love someone that you really don't, you should because of your children.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 Oct 10
Yes I should because of my children, but still the man I love propose to me again to be with him, I cannot leave my husband because it's killing me when I'm thinking about how I'm gonna break my husband's heart. I can't do that to him. I never cheated him, I'm not just very happy with him, but I don't want to hurt him. It's better to hurt myself than to see my family broken.
• Portugal
27 Oct 10
mumay please. listen your children will understand. you can still see them^^ and about your husband he will be hurt but he will appreciate your honesty. you deserve to be happy. if the man you love proposed to you leave this one you dont love. you need to be happy. has been 10 years of unhappiness. so now you need your happiness^^ talk with your hubby and say that you dont love him. that you are sorry to hurt him but you dont want to be with him anymore. and about your kids if your husband loves you so much like you say he will let you see them^^ so you wont lose them^^ be honest is the right thing to do^^ you will be happy and your husband will be also bcs this time he will have the chance to find a woman that loves him as much as he loves her. that you cant give him. so please be happy and let him be happy too. say the truth^^ and go for the man you love^^
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
sweet thanks, i know this is hard but you know my hubby and I talk about that, and we decided to give it a shot... we don't want our children become one of us a product of a broken family maybe this is our dream to build a family by chance. I think we both just need a chance.
• United States
27 Oct 10
I would never marry a man I did not love. I think you cheated yourself out of the life you should of had. Plus you robbed your husband of the love he deserves. You should have been honest with him years ago. Now you held on to this for this long what can you do about it now.
• Philippines
27 Oct 10
thanks maybe your right, that's why I'm posting this at least to understand what am i gonna do. thank you.
@pecito (304)
• Bulgaria
27 Oct 10
That's a very harsh judgement.Sometimes people choose to sacrifice themselves because of parental'advice' or other circumstances.But we should be the masters of our own destiny.
• United States
27 Oct 10
You only get one life to live in this world. You should try to lie it to the fullest. When you are 90 and sitting in that rocking chair you can tell your grandkids all about your wonderful life.
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
Well, I'm sorry to know about your situation. But there's really circumstances like your situation. What I don't understand is that why you marry him since you said you did not love that man?
• Philippines
29 Oct 10
because i have to for the sake of the child.
@eelennah (82)
• Philippines
27 Oct 10
then what's the reason of marrying the guy? is it a fixed marriage? because if yes, then you can't do anything about it. but if not, you shouldn't have married him in the first place. it's not right to lie to a person especially when it comes to love. it is better you tell the truth than to keep it inside and let yourself suffer. you see? you lied and you suffered for a long time. but if in the first you have told the truth it would have better. yes he would get hurt but, in no time, he will get over it and find the person who would love her, and you will be with the man that you truly love. happy on both sides! but now, you have nothing to do but suffer the consequences. that's just life is. im sorry.
• Portugal
27 Oct 10
eelennah even if was an arranged marriage if she loved other guy she could had say no. why marry a guy we dont love? i couldnt. i rather run away and be alone with my family against me than live all my life besides a guy i cant love. he loves me truly and i cant give it back. this is selfish i couldnt do that really. better she has to do is being honest and leave him :( he deserves to find a girl that loves him and she the right guy for her.
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
well, yes she can do that in the first place. but the problem is she didn't and now she can't go back! she can't just live with him for 10 years and leave him just like that! it's also unfair for the man's side. she decided to live with him, so she should stand her ground. marriage isn't easy. we have our own decisions and there are things that we can't just decide and regret it later. she has known the consequence in the first place and she should have taken that into account before deciding.
• Indonesia
27 Oct 10
wow impressive,i never hear this kind of story before but why dont you try to be honest from the beginning,hmm i see your situation is hard ,but i think now you must keep moving forward with your life,just forget your past altough now you dont love your man,at least you try to be happy outside altough it's hard,i appreciate this kind of work,hope you can get the better life :)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
I am, I talk to my husband about this even before he moved in, but as my husband decision we will get married for the sake of my child and here we are...still hoping for the best. We both stuck in this situation but we're good, we're not just happy as possible but still friendship is there and respect and everything love will soon be coming maybe after his contract abroad. :)
• Indonesia
28 Oct 10
:) hope it can become a love inside,i really impressive about your story when i read this,and all i can said is "wow" this is amazing,i know it must be much of story about relationship that can make me "wow",
@sheban (28)
• Philippines
10 Nov 10
I've haven't experienced being in that situation. However, what I could say is that you should be grateful for your husband is loving you dearly. You are his true love and not everybody is lucky enough to be treated that way. Besides, you aren't that certain that the person you think you love would treat you that way. I think it's your husband that you are truly love with because you were able to sacrifice things. True love is beyond the thought of being in love. I think you should be contented with your treasures. There is a reason for everything. Just be happy and make the most of what you have right now.
• Philippines
13 Nov 10
I agree with you there sheban, I'm just happy that more people really believe that a husband and a wife will be forever tie and make it a dream come true...someone told me that a family is not a choice its a blessing....
@alottodo (3061)
• Australia
29 Oct 10
Oh mumaysagrado regret is a very powerful thing, remember we only live once so to live with regret it's a waste of time! The person you loved so many years ago may not be the same today. I really don't know your situation, but remember the grass always look greener in the other side.
@sheban (28)
• Philippines
10 Nov 10
I agree with you alottodo. People change and sometimes we only see the goodness of the ones we like, overlooking the negatives ones.
@flaredust (728)
• Indonesia
28 Oct 10
You already chosen your road with him, marry him... so why stop after 10 years? Don't you have any children that must be taken care of. With 10 years marriage usually people will grow mature & less think about themselves but more thinking about family, thinking how you can raise your kid well, thinking about your kid's future. That's much more important instead of thinking only about how you feel, thinking about you and you. Keep your life busy and stop think as you're in a jail or something. We must learn about acceptance & responsibility.
• Philippines
6 Nov 10
Yeah, I agree with you...that's why I am still chosing the right path.
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
wow that is tough. how did you go through the 10 years together?? that is tough so tough... i could not imagine kissing someone whom i did not love. why did u marry him in the first place if ur not happy???
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
because i have to, i need to, i have a choice i know and i chose the right one at least for me this is the right thing to do...besides I always play safe.
• Philippines
27 Oct 10
You are in a very hard situation. I know we all deserve to be happy and I know most people here advised you to end your relationship with your husband but I'm afraid I have to disagree with them. Being married is different from just being girlfriend-boyfriend so it is not that simple to just end it when you want to. It was not right that you married someone you didn't love but I don't think it would make it any better if you destroy your family. You should be thankful your husband loves you. There are people in love who got married but didn't end up happy either. Apparently, their love for each other eventually faded. Love is not just a feeling, it should be a decision. Maybe you can't find your happiness because you are still convincing yourself that you should be with the man you really love before, and it doesn't help that he's coming after you again. You have to learn to live with the fact that you are already married and you vowed to love that man for the rest of you life. I know deep inside you have love for your husband no matter how little it is otherwise you wouldn't be able to bear living with him for 10 years. You should work to make that love grow. One day you'll find the love and happiness you are looking for and I assure you you don't have to look any further than inside your own home. God bless you and your family :)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
thanks that's a relief. I know my decision is right to choose my husband and my kids its just that i want to know more about everyone's advice, But I love your post really. And your right somebody's marrying the one they loved but some of them are separated why on my case love is not involved but the the vowed is still intact. That's the magic of family, if you will making the right move that is to go home. thanks again God Bless...
@tammytwo (4304)
• United States
24 Dec 10
It sounds as if your husband may be a good man. Myabe there is a way to salvage your marriage and grow to love the man you are with. I knwo that is uncommon but it does happen sometimes.
• India
11 Nov 10
When you know that he loves you so much what else do you want.... What if you couldn't stay with the one you like so much... He might have actually not been as good as your husband.... Infact your husband might have actually loved you more than that guy.... then whats there to feel unhappy when someone around you want you to be very much happy....
@tammytwo (4304)
• United States
5 Nov 10
I can't say that I have ever been in this situation. I'm sorry I don't really know how that would feel. But maybe you could learn to love him for all of the things that he does for you. If it is ever going to work out you will have to put aside the feelings for the other person and try to make the current situation work. If you don't think you can it may be best to let him know. I wouldn't want someone to be with me just for the sake of not hurting me. I would rather know they love me and want to be there.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
28 Oct 10
mumaysagrado, I just want to say my mind on all the years that you have lived till today. Please do not feel offended, be patient and hear me out. You might think that you love your boyfriend (since the feelings pretty much withstand a tremendous amount of time), but I am going give you my two cents which might let you consider otherwise. If your feelings, X, fails to initiate an action, then you have to realize that X is just a mere fantasy. If X exist in fantasy, hence, X exist only in potentiality and not in actuality. Therefore, X cannot be considered as Love for Love must first exist in actuality and must be mutual. Let me further elaborate here. Suppose you are hungry and you want to abate your hunger, your natural instinct will prompt you to eat. The existence of food (Love) and the act of consumption (Initiation of Love) must occur simultaneously before our hunger pangs will vanish and achieve satisfaction (Relationship). The entities by itself are meaningless unless they conjunct with one another and if we Love without acting, it's akin to having food without consuming - the hunger persist. We harbor fantasy for all sorts of things, people and dimensions. In fact, we might even lose track of our reality, especially when we abdicate our self awareness over illusions. It's common for people who indulge in fantasy because we are unwilling to shatter this image by putting dreams into reality. We prefer to give beautiful descriptions about our worship with imaginary and wordings - many times, so perfect and immaculate that we know at the back of our mind if we were engage this extraordinary person in reality, we will gradually be forced to abandon our fantasy because nobody can be as perfect, other than the figure in our mental construct. This fantasy that you have grown to recognize and feel so intense for has completely superseded even the person per se. This ironic phenomenon is supported by a macabre veil of deep-rooted rejection, overwhelming passiveness and gnawing narcissism. Think about it, as much as you have deemed this person to be significant over a vast period of 10 years, he probably doesn't even know about your fervent feelings and existence. No insult, to him you probably belonged to the same rank as the stranger who brushed passed our shoulders everyday when we walk across the street - the significance is almost negligible. So, there are times when we felt that we made mistakes and regret in life, with regards to our previous relationship. Equally often, it might not be mistakes - perhaps we felt that we could 'do more' (whatever 'more' meant to you philosophically). And because the manifestation has already occur and we are unable to undo our circumstances, we shoulder certain unconscious anguish or bitterness that carries in our soul. Such suppression are dormant and only brought into surface when the concept of time triggers a karmic pattern to bring forth such situation once again. Then you might question - why such a phenomenon? The way I see it there are perhaps two likely reasons: I) It served to test the foundation of your relationship and marriage. Those who are stuck in the misery of their past will often create the path of destruction for their relationship of the future. II) The absence of graduation in prior cosmic lessons resulted in reiteration of the same chapter once again. What we cannot master, we learn again. I suggest instead of first leading yourself into the direction of asking 'Should i just forget my husband quickly' - I reckon you should re-frame your question and direct the question inwardly. 'What does this mean to me and my development in Love?' You might want to understand if there's an action(s) you wish to compensate for your previous (failed) relationship and unconsciously directing this effort towards this 'proxy'? Also, I believe that the identity of your marriage relationship is being questioned as well. 'What does it mean for your relationship and your husband?' Namely, is your current man a.k.a. husband any lesser in any aspect than that figure of the past? Learn acceptance, for only with careful examination of yourself, would you be able to have the clarity to decide your course of action with wisdom. From there, you will gradually understand that acceptance comes from tranquil via the heart and the only voice you need to listen is nobody but yourself. Take care.
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
i think its because kids are most expose and they are free to explore everything and i also the rapid advancement of technology are one of the reasons why kids are smarter now
@bisaya (8)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
I think it's unfair to both of you. It's unfair to your husband because you've been married for ten years now and he was thinking that you loved him. Unfair to you because you deserve to be happy and that you should seek happiness in your marriage. One question: you've been married for ten years, have you not develop any love for your husband?
@gaiza12 (4889)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
Why did you marry your husband in the first place if you don't really love him and don't feel happy being with him, if you don't mind me asking? I won't be wasting my precious time with the person i don't really love. I will definitely find the man that i think im really in love and am happy to be with for the rest of my life. I do hope you will find your peace of mind already after 10 years of being together. Open your heart to your husband, i think now is the time for you to be truly happy.
@tincabzh (174)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
Its better if you focused on him alone not thinking about the past, be happy that you are with someone who is completely honest about his love towards you, or better you two should have another honeymoon, or vacation just the two of you, spend more time with him, and im not going to tell you about you should have done this and that before marrying because i want you to focus on the present and the future being with your hubby and your kids, since you are already there in that situation, all i can suggest is look at the brighter side of the situation, you are lucky enough to have a partner that you love the way he loves you, so if you can love the way he is, why not love him completely and stop thinking about what you dont have!... dont you think you are being unfair? you get all the love you need, but in return this is what he get? uhmmm... what if he told you the same thing? you are really inlove with him and all of a sudden he say he isnt inlove with you as much as you are with him? how would you like it? by the way? if you dont mind me asking? why cant you love him back? is it because of someone you love before? if that is the case, come to think of this, dont you think the guy you are with before is as bitter as you are today? have you ever think that he is still inlove with you? probably not? aside from you are already married, you have kids...
@romzz05 (573)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
Learn to let go of the other guy. Love is a decision. You said your husband loves you so much. Try to reciprocate it maybe it could work. You said your husband feels like a stranger then maybe you should know him better.
@jharia20 (365)
• Philippines
28 Oct 10
You must not marry him in the first place. You didn't love him right?so why to marry him? But we can go back to time. I think the best way is to just learn how to love him. He loves you that much right? so he is good to you come to think of the things that he has ever done to you. Don't leave him, i know our heart can't be teach to love other, but at least try just for him :)