If you wouldn’t say something to a person’s face...

@zandi458 (27953)
Malaysia
November 3, 2010 2:43pm CST
... then you shouldn’t write it online. The internet communication is far reaching and many people write in blogs, discussions in forums and chatting with faceless unknown people. We only face the screen but in reality we are interacting with real people at the other end of the line. Meeting the people that we chat online is almost impossible so you won't be judged by your age, looks, size or any of the superficial things that people judge you on in person. But people will judge you by the quality of your writing, and what you have to say. Your identity is well protected by the internet and that makes some people take advantage of this priviledge of anonymity. They might be polite person in real but when it comes to the virtual world they adopt a different attitude altogether. They are people who vent their anger, pour out their emotions without care of who is reading their words. Have you ever thought of how others feel when you blast off a derogatory comment about someone and that person reads it online, think of how it would make them feel and whether or not you’d actually say it to their face. In fact, some even take pleasure in doing so. This is completely wrong attitude to adopt. Just wonder whether the use of harsh and unpleasant words add column inches to their literal brilliance? Diplomacy, gentleness and politeness do not hurt anybody regardless of where they are exhibited - in real or virtual world. In fact they open many doors...
6 people like this
17 responses
• United States
3 Nov 10
Zandi- I know the feeling quite well and I've written many a column on this very subject for my advice column. I agree with what many have already said that when people behave in this manner they are simply cowards. A coward even in real life doesn't want to show his or her face when they are faced with accountability. Beyond this there is the simple fact that those who start trouble online simply have no lives and must make one for themselves. They are people with little to no self-confidence or worth and feel that bullying others online is the way they can make themselves feel important. I've seen it go as far as "group bullying" online and that is simply herd mentality, what the ring leader does the sheep do. The pattern though with most though with this sort of behavior is that if it is ignored the bully tends to disappear. Perhaps not all together mind you but they generally fade out because their tactics no longer work. In terms of people having a go I can understand passion. Sometimes people online feel so passionate about a topic that they respond with harsh words. I bet that in most cases that person would respond very much the same offline because it is a topic they feel passionate about. Others as you say can use a healthy dose of diplomacy but diplomacy is a learned skill. I would say that you can do best with these sorts of people by always responding with diplomacy in the face of their not so pleasant tirades. Namaste-Anora
1 person likes this
• United States
4 Nov 10
I agree with you that anyone who uses the internet to attack another person has no life of their own and are just out to make theirselves feel better for their short comings. I am new to this forum and have been enjoying that there is somewhere people with real opinions can express theirselves without having to resort to name calling and bullying. I have always been a opinionated person but have never resorted to that kind of behavior. I like hearing other peoples opinions and always try to see their point of view. I may not agree with want they say, but when someone expresses theirselves with passion, and not attacking someone else for their view it can become a debate.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Yes, they are cowards who go on a rampage terrorizing the net with their abusive words and trying to demean others.
@lynnemg (4540)
• United States
4 Nov 10
I agree with your initial statement. We should not say things on-line that we wouldn't say in person. For that matter, if a person doesn't have the nerve to say something to someone's face, they shouldn't say it behind their back either. The difference between saying something behind someone's back and saying things on-line is, like you said, the internet is much farther reaching.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
The internet has become a safe haven for these cowards. Writing on the walls of the screen to vent their angers show how shallow their minds are.
@Aaleexix (2291)
• India
4 Nov 10
It is a very critical discussion to answer. Our word and the reaction of the people. Responding this discussion I am in fear that whether my world does not hart you. At the outset I want to confess that I am very straight forwarded person. I never hesitate to say what is mind. It is right that there is a chance that our word may be felt bad by other. But I am not habituate to make any word suitable for other. Some bitter truth is there. Many people are not prepared to face bitter truth. But my personal thought is that bitter truth is more helpful then pleasant faltering. In this context I want to clarify that rude approach is not applicable anywhere. Many people think that straight forwardness and rude approach is same thing. But actually there is vast difference between rude approach and straight forwardness. Not only in virtual world but is real life too I am very very straight forward. I always put my basic interest on the root of any matter then to the pleasent way of presentation. I follow the basic rule that spice less curry is tasteless but more delicious than spicy tasty food. I feel that to make anything pleasant if we manipulate our world and present in a pleasant way and modify just to please other then on the long rub it harms to all. In straight forwarded world there is a chance of misunderstanding and miss interpretation but the final result is good. Miss understanding is mitigated with time. But wrong presentation to please other has bad effect for the life.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
5 Nov 10
Being straight forward is an inborn character and being open in your presentations does not make you an unreasonable person. Circumstances and world are a reflection of your own thoughts and beliefs. Your words are a true mirror of yourself. Unlike some people who camouflage their weaknesses behind the screen to write hurting words are real cowards. There is nothing wrong in being real and open and it only needs others to understand the person you are.
@Aaleexix (2291)
• India
5 Nov 10
But there is a problem is straight approach. Because people misunderstand and misinterpreted. So It is very hard to be social with such approach. I personally feel that people like flattering. Some pleasant flattering is now more acceptable the the bitter truth. I is my personal experience from day today life.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
5 Nov 10
Not all those who misunderstood and misinterpreted you are your enemies but they might question your views because they themselves are ignorant of the whole truth. You can use the opportunity of their remarks to find out the weaknesses in yourself which you cannot see. You shouldn't give up your good works because of some confused people.
4 Nov 10
i agree that what you would not say in person you should not say online, it is the chicken way of doing things. We don't know how vulnerable people are online and anything could happen. Itis so wrong to criticise and hurt people, even those we don't know and have never and may never meet.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
We are all matured people and writing something hurting is not a person of intellectual brain.
4 Nov 10
very true, unfortunately there are quite a few people who like to do this, what pleasure do people get from hurting others? it is disgusting.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
22 Nov 10
If they believe in karma they would not utter offensive words to hurt others. People should not take advantage of their faceless existence in the cyberworld to create hell on others. They should respond to all situations with understanding and compassion.
@gunagohan (3415)
• India
4 Nov 10
If i'm not wrong, i consider this discussion has something related to your previous discussion about some forums and it's admin.. Yeah, this is true, i have seen many things like this online, i have met both good attitude persons and also some harsh . But those things are to be taken positively to improve our attitude towards others and earn a good image and show that we are good and concerning about others.. Online , this is a better gate way and has many constraints.... I have learned many things in both circumstances where i have grown a little bit from my childish behavior to show some adult or matured gentleness towards my friends and they react nicely !!!
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Oh yes, this is the continuation of my earlier discussion. I have not gotten over the issue and this led me to start another topic out of frustration and probably to make others realize that the cyberworld is full of rubbish floating in the air.
1 person likes this
@gunagohan (3415)
• India
5 Nov 10
There are both good and bad part in this cyber world!! It's our responsibility to go through the best part and gain more knowledge and make good friends.. I have seen a lot of things like this, i have got many insults like this in forums many times... I'm just staying out of those things for a while, maybe i will chose the better things sooner or later !!!
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
22 Nov 10
The longer we stay in the cyberworld the more seasoned we become. We learn what is good and what is not. We should base our judgments on logic.
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
4 Nov 10
not right to put someone down you have never been face to face wih. Me I talk the same way hee as I do in person most of the time just a word or 2 but then thats all it takes to get thru what I want to say hugssssssssssssssssssss
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Beautiful Lakota, I know you and your words are original. There is no fiction in what your write. I do appreciate your responses to all my started discussions. Cheers...
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
4 Nov 10
thanks and I enjoy your post
1 person likes this
@saqi78 (1405)
• Malaysia
3 Nov 10
Really very nice article, this shows the reality of some online surfers and chatters. This is based on actual experience and I also have this type of experience but the wordings which you used are really very good. There are people who are different from their real life and virtual life, in real life they may be very rude but when come online they looks very kind and soft hearted people. I agree with you, we should think first before our writing any thing, whether it is hurting some one or am I going to abuse, and before publishing it we should read it carefully. This way we can produce real and productive articles which ll present our personality. Writings and speaking always shows the personality of a person, in my view, speaking shows the present condition of a person but when it comes to writing it reveal us about past, present and future of a person.... Good article and really needs some good and productive comments from readers... Thanks for sharing beautiful thoughts....
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Reading nice words is so soothing. It evokes real happiness in our hearts. It chases away the blues. Words alone can mesmerized me to no end.
@saqi78 (1405)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
I totally agree reading nice words chases away the blues
1 person likes this
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
17 Nov 10
Well said Zandi. It is so easy to upset people with our words online without even realising it. A couple of years ago, we had to kick a popular person off our forum on our website as he upset so many people that they left the forum completely and never came back. The thing about this person is that he is so very passionate about what he talks about, that he cannot see the harm he is doing with his pushiness and rudeness online. He is not like this in real life at all. Perhaps because he can see the look on peoples faces and gauge their feelings better when he is actually with them.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
22 Nov 10
I think the anonymity and being faceless online find him a comfortable cushion to vent his frustrations on others. Some good people just turn demonic when they are online.
@Memnon (2173)
8 Nov 10
I would have no issue with posting my opinion of a political movement or it's figures, or similar. I would not consider other members of the same site though.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
22 Nov 10
It is good to be politically correct and post opinions that might benefit others.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
4 Nov 10
We should never post anything online that we don't want read by the world. If it isn't something we don't want repeated, we shouldn;t say it in any form.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
5 Nov 10
But people are doing just that. They find the internet the best place to play their mind game and spout out their hurtful words.
@savypat (20248)
• United States
4 Nov 10
Every negative thought you have broadcasts out into the world. Why would you want to add to this energy? If you consider kindness your major goal you will help yourself stay out of trouble. I can't say I have never responded to remarks with sharp answers, every once in a while things get away and my fingers run before my brain, but I try to control it.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
5 Nov 10
A harsh word,like an arrow discharged from a bow, can never be retrieved even if you would offer a thousand apologies.
@Sanitary (3969)
• Singapore
4 Nov 10
I agree. If we are not going to say it in front of that particular person, we should not be ranting about it online, hiding behind a mask. Nobody likes to be critized and yet unable to prove the coward wrong. When one is hiding behind a mask, they are taking advantage of the one they are unhappy with. By hiding, there's no way they can be found and be taken revenge against. I hate such people too and if they intend to put me down, I will make sure they show their true face before I response or clear up whatever there's need to.
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
It is only those cowards who uses the net to rant for fear of being detected.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
4 Nov 10
I agree with you zandi. It is all too easy to become really ‘brave’ when hiding behind a screen and start mouthing off abuse and the like. It is a positive thing I think not to be judged on how we look or sound and to be able to express thoughts and feelings and be considered just by what and the way we write but to utilise this medium to be rude and arrogant has no excuse!
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Exactly, the internet doesn't give us a license to be abusive in our words.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
4 Nov 10
Hi zandi~ I know that we have discussed this in other variations throughout the years and agree that we both believe in being open and honest with people. I am the same with people online as I am in the "real world". I don't say anything to people here that I wouldn't say to their face. I try not to be rude, although actually, I think I am more polite online. As my close friends in the "real world" know I don't shy away from an argument at times! I have made some very close friends on the "Lot" that I care about and respect as I do my other friends. I don't have anything to hide so I don't feel a need to hide behind a screen and create an "online persona". What you "see", (typed)is the "real me"!Hugs, Opal/Leslie
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
Hi leslie, like you I am not a good actress and can't impersonate myself to fit in any situation. I am who I am in the real world and online.
@kawalnarang (1095)
• Trinidad And Tobago
3 Nov 10
It's so true,, there are times even I write what I do not really mean to write,,Now I have learnt a lesson,,Thanks.Generally we take advantage of the statement that we all have a right to ,,Freedom of speech /writing,,it does not give us authority to write nonsense (at all),,also sometimes we do not understand the words/context,,my thinking is that this can cause a lot of confusion between (2) friends,,
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
I have fallen on a slippery floor, knocked my head and realized how foolish I am to believe every words I read on screen. Words can make me smile and happy. It took a long time for me to accept that some people doesn't really mean what they say. It is only to suit the situation they are in.
• Philippines
3 Nov 10
Hello Zandi, Only thing i could say to those people are: COWARDS WITH NO "FACES" that's who they are, and that's why they have the balls to do so. but in reality and seeing in person, they are cowards, they won't have that courage at all. be careful not to exposed yourself too much, it's dangerous.some people can be too IMMATURE for internet use. Have a Great day
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
I agree with you, they are cowards that use the internet as their platform to throw abusive words knowing well that the cyberworld has no court of law to persecute cyber criminals.
@bunnybon7 (34323)
• Holiday, Florida
3 Nov 10
you are so right zandi. just because someone cant see us gives us no right to hurt and abuse peoples feelings. i do try not to. as ive always tried to keep my Karma in tact. I really believe in what goes around, comes around, in real life and online, since this has become so much of our realality is on the net to
@zandi458 (27953)
• Malaysia
4 Nov 10
There is no need to divert from our original self. I am who I am in the real world.