Sleeping with children

@meerat75 (111)
December 24, 2010 10:47am CST
I have 2 children one boy of aged 13 and girl aged 10. Since birth of these children, we (myself & husband) are sleeping together alongwith children. Now they are in this age. But we don't feel like separate them as they love so much. Should we change them to separate rooms or can we continue for another 2 more years? What is your opinion? Meera
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13 responses
@cicisnana (776)
• United States
25 Dec 10
The children will ultimately decide when they want to move out of the family bedroom. I had a friend whose son slept with her and her husband until he was 14 or 15, then he needed his privacy. He always had his own room but never slept there until he got to the point that HE WANTED TO...so, if you all are enjoying it I would say continue with it...it will end all too quickly.
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@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Hello, I think the same situation is going to happen here also. Now they are enjoying and once they get a feel of their own privacy, they will go to their own rooms. Otherwise also, we are planning to shift to their rooms by making more attachment to their rooms so that they will continue study and sleep their as per their wish. Thanks for your valid comments. Meera
@MAllen400 (830)
24 Dec 10
my first thought was that this was a joke albeit a bad one but then I thought that not everyone can have separate bedrooms for their children but realise that you can put them in separate rooms. If able it is nice to have your children in their own room as soon as possible. My grandson is 8 months old and has his own bedroom. I know you love them but they need a good nights sleep not disturbed by others in their bedroom and you and your husband must surely want privacy for yourselves. So my opinion would be to get them in their own rooms straight away.
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@meerat75 (111)
25 Dec 10
Hi Mall, In fact we have 2 more rooms where they can peacefully sleep. Even though we didn't tried it, we discussed and encouraged them to sleep in their own rooms. Those days they used to cry and say they are scared. Many occasions we tried and if once they got up from sleep at any time, they use to cry and come to us. But if it continued for a period of time, we could have enable them to do it. But seeing on their conditions, let them to stay with us. Our inner mind never feel them to stay separate. Event though we know that need get it practiced, because once they grow up, they should not have any problems. I though they will tell us that they want to go to their own rooms, but till date, they both never said it. Please see my other comments also, as many are getting as a repetition. W said we give a new year special as a surprise that they will get freedom to sleep in their own rooms. Both children said, no - we don't want. If this is the case, we are thinking we will continue, till they demand it, or should we go for it. Meera
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@phyrre (2324)
• United States
26 Dec 10
Meerat, Sounds like right from the start you kind of set them up for disaster. If you let your child sleep with you for years then of course they're not going to want to go to their room alone because they feel they don't need to. As you say, they used to come crying to you and not want to leave. I'm assuming by that time they were 3 or 4 and had been sleeping with you since birth, which means it's a routine they are used to and feel safe with. They won't know anything different unless you teach them it's OK because they learn from you, their parents. If you don't show them that it's OK for them to sleep on their own, they aren't going to learn that. It's one thing to take them in and let them sleep with you if they have a nightmare, but it's another altogether to say they can sleep with you just because they don't want to sleep by themselves. While it may be true that they say they do not want to go to rooms of their own, I do believe it's time they do. I don't know your culture and I'm not trying to disrespect your culture at all, of course. I can only speak from the point of view of my own culture. However, at 10 and 13 they are old enough where they need to start learning how to do things for themselves. Right now they have a really high level of dependency on you and your husband that is unhealthy. What's going to happen if they never ask to leave your room and end up 17 and still sleeping with the two of you? Are they going to be able to move out and find their own place to live or attend secondary school if they can't even learn how to sleep by themselves and feel secure like that? It's clear that you love your children very much and that this is a struggle for you, but at some point your children need to grow up. At this point, you seem to be more dependent on this sleeping arrangement than your children are. For them, it's all they've known. For you, it sounds more like losing a precious part of your children and having to admit they're growing up. I think once your children realize that they can sleep in their own rooms and still have a close bond with you and your husband then they'll be fine.
@meerat75 (111)
26 Dec 10
Hi dear, Thanks for your nice comments. In fact the exact age of them, daughter 12+ and son with 14+ and studying in 7th and 9th school standards and both are having about an average of 90+% in most of the exams and they are very good in studies. Here our attachment is only the love to our children and nothing else. Our friendliness and our attachment. My h/b and son is always like fiends and he become taller than my h/b now. Now they are studying and he was what I am writing and read the para. And I asked him to go to your own bed, he replied ok and gone to our regular spacious bed with 6.5 x 6.5 bed and he is telling I will sleep here only. I know it is childish. Both my children before sleeping, my son will help daughter to tie up her hair and do all preparations, water bottles, alarm setting, and do pray together and sleep. You should see how they do it, and you will say, go on. It is so pleasing. It is I am sure that we are used with all our customs and that is the only the reason. All the more, as the children are boy and girl, and they are grown up, it is time to change them to their own rooms. We both agree with you. Thank you. Meera
• Canada
24 Dec 10
This is disturbing to me also. Unless your financial situation makes it impossible (like you all live in one room so you can afford rent) children this age NEED privacy, especially while sleeping. Your son is probably having wet dreams already, and how embarassed must he be to be experiencing this in the same bed as his parents and sister! This could confuse him very much! There is nothing wrong with sharing family time, even all snuggled up on the couch together watching a movie, but those kids need their own rooms.
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@meerat75 (111)
25 Dec 10
Hi Rebecca / Vonmac, In fact we didn't faced any such situation so far. They (my children) still don't want to sleep in their own rooms. We all are comfortable with it. Even though we tried several times, we don't feel send them separately. Many times we tried, but at the time of sleeping they will come to us and sleep. May be it is habituated. Even my friends and other family people also said it, but we feel missing. Even though it is not good, we both have any inconvenience or anything else, but we just liked it to sleep altogether, even though they both have their own rooms to sleep, if they want. When ever we say them to sleep separately, they used to cry and come back. Now you can imagine the position. We know the time is exceeded, but we simply love it. But we separate them from Jan 1st onwards. Thanks for your comments. Meera
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• Finland
25 Dec 10
@vonmac: YOU'R SICK!!! Okay... maybe it is not so good to sleep in the same bad... Tralaalaaa... Blaablaa... BUT If you had lived for 200-50 years ago... It wasn't that unusual to sleep in the same room, or in the same bed with at least sisters and or brothers, or even the whole family!!! Okay... Maybe not 50 years ago... But before AND ESPECIALLY after the WW2 when families were poor!!!! I somewhat agree with you though--- they should get their own rooms, or AT LEAST own beds. Own rooms between sisters or brothers (NOT BOTH) is not even that bad. If the children are very young (0-5 for example), then they can very well sleep in the same room, or even the same bed!!!
@meerat75 (111)
26 Dec 10
Dear all, Not only you, every one will discourage this tendency or atlest advise me saying that it is too late them to separate. I think our closeness and friendliness could be the reason for it. We both never felt any uncomforted (in fact more happy) to be with them. Now, both are sitting around me and preparing their studies. It is sure that as parents we need to take the initiative and make them understand and give them separate places. We are in the process now. Thank you all for your comments. Meera
• United States
25 Dec 10
When I was your daughters age, I wanted my own room so bad I would cry about it. It was not possible, and I can remember sleeping with my parents at that age but it was to keep warm, we lived in an old house that was very drafty and cold in the winter time. I also remember hating it, both the old house and sleeping with my parents! In the United States you would not dare do this, especially with your sons age. I had 5 kids the boys shared one room and the girls shared another room. They changed bedrooms around because one was upstairs and two were downstairs. I think from reading your other discussions and responses that you will not be able to move them completely in one step but will have to work at this gradually. If this was me, I would make them go to bed in their own rooms, but if they got up and came to me in the middle of the night as you said they do, I would let them stay but each night I would make them go to bed in their own room. Eventually they should sleep through the night. You didn't say but do you live in a dangerous neighborhood that they are afraid to sleep in their own rooms? It sounds like this is normal for your country, where to the rest of us we are in shock about it. Good luck to you.
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@meerat75 (111)
26 Dec 10
Hi Christmas, Happy Christmas. Thank you for your comments. In fact mine and my h/b also from a small family. He has his parents with 5 children like you but they also were in a small house and they all used to sleep in 2 different rooms as they are 3 brothers and 2 sisters. Even mine also the same with my elder sister and younger brother. My case also not so different and we all sleep at night together till 12-13 years old. Here also, we continued the same and apart from anyone, our home we 4 only and we rarely gone any where outside to some different places. Whenever we go out for picnics and such tours, there also we all were together. I think, for my children they learned that everywhere all may be sleeping. In some of my relatives also the case is not so different. The main reason I think is we are comfortable and we really enjoy them to be with us. In fact we both never discussed the fact with any of the family or friends as we know that all will discourage. Once when my h/b mentioned the fact, she furiously shouted us saying that we need to give them separate places. I know that what we doing is not to be promoted and change the places at the earliest. However, the exams are coming and once the vacation started, we plans them for the arrangements. Thanks you. Meera
• United States
27 Dec 10
I don't think I would make any changes while they are having exams, you sure don't want them upset while taking test. It really sounds like you have a close loving family. My youngest son and daughter, when they were little, could not be separated! They didn't sleep together at night but they had to have each other, once she spent the night away and he was SICK! I finally told my brother, when they took the kids that they had to take our gil with the boys or the youngest would get SICK!!! I could not believe it. I have the cutest picture of them sleeping on the couch when they both came down with the chickenpox together!!! They did out grow it when they got into elementary school! It doesn't sound like you have the problem of brothers and sisters fighting like other familes do, so maybe you know the secret!!!
@Itulung (107)
• India
25 Dec 10
I guess there's nothing abnormal in sleeping with children as long as the children are ok with it.
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@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Yes, we never felt so and never feel any inconvenience or difficulties. Now the issue is that space problem. My son is taller than my h/b and if they want to turn around in sleeping, they will life the legs and keep on the body and it will of course feel difficulties. They both would life their legs and keep on our body for a comfortable sleep. I think once they sleep separately, they may enjoy the sleep more conformable. But some time on holiday and all they used to sleep at day time and their own place. Thanks for your comments. Meera
25 Dec 10
THAT'S NICE..;) i love sleeping with children!:)
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@meerat75 (111)
26 Dec 10
Hi dear, Yes, it is an experience. I hope you enjoy it. Really, it should experience and realise the peace and happiness by doing so. Thank your for your comments. Meera
@katie0 (5212)
• Japan
25 Dec 10
you know, it's not something that is normal in most of families but hey you are doing something unusual but out of love, it's really cute that you allow that and they still want to be that near each family have the right to have their own rules it's very lovable, just see if that is good for your kids
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@meerat75 (111)
26 Dec 10
Hi dear, What you said is the sum total of all. Nothing more to say on it on this. Our love and comfort is the main reason. Our friendliness, closeness says all. My h/b want my son always sleep with him from the very childhood. Even my daughter also. They both will sleep side by side and it is the style of their sleep from age of 3 and above. If my h/g going fro some trips or out of place for 2-4 days, they never sleep till late night and finally sleep uncomfortably and he also the same to say. May be it is the practice what we have. But we are planning to separate them shortly and we will make them understand for them, why they need to do so. Thanks for your understanding. Meera
@marguicha (90589)
• Chile
29 Dec 10
It depends of the culture and of the amount of rooms a family has, I suppose. I had only two girls. I took both of them out of my room when they were a few months old. They shared rooms for some years until the eldest was about 8 years old. Then they had a room of their own. When I was little I shared room with my sister for some time but I never shared room with my brother who had always his own room. In my case, I don´t think this has to do with love. Different sexes have different needs.
@meerat75 (111)
1 Jan 11
Yes, I agree with you. But if you get a chance to learn and stay with our children, you will come to know of it. Practically it is difficult the life how we have. However thanks for your comments.
@marguicha (90589)
• Chile
1 Jan 11
I don´t understand your comment. You agree that children must aslweep in another bedroom yet it seems your children are different. Is that what you said?
• United States
28 Dec 10
My daughter is 16 and sleeps with me everynight unless she has a sleep over. She was raised sleeping in my bed as she got older I put her in her own room with no luck. She would cry till she got headaches. I was so afraid the cops would come thinking I was beating her. it is not good for them to be sleeping with you and your husband not that my daughter is any better. But,my daughter would sleep alone if I had company. I think they need to start off sleeping in a room togeter till they get to want their own space. make sure if you have the space they kkeep their stuff in seperate rooms.
@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Hi gifts, Good to know that I got a company finally. I think if we make their room more attractive and spacious with their own stuff, they would prefer to stay their. It is our next plant to move them to their own rooms. The plans are on the way and I am sure that they will be more comfortable in their rooms. It is a fact that they need company while sleeping. My daughter always ask me to be around and h/b needs to tell her stories. He will say some stories for 2-3 mts. by the she will sleep. My son will be studying and I don't know what time he comes and sleep most of the days. Thanks for your comments. Meera
• United States
29 Dec 10
be sure to post and let us know how it is going..
@Tushavi (2078)
• Karachi, Pakistan
27 Dec 10
Hi, meera I guess you are Indian, how r u??? I am from Pakistan, & I understand what you mean, I also slept with my parents until I am 13's thats nice if you give your kids, separate room, but kindly don't give them separate Computer/Internet, take care & have a nice day.
@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Hi Tushavi, Feel nice to here from you. Yes, I am from India. I am fine and hope you are doing well and happy. It is mainly because of the love to the children. I never live separately with them since both were born. Another reason is that apart from myself and my husband, only our children are with us. Also, we don't have the habit of traveling much and we visit our native places within 2-4 years time only. So it is a practice that we all sleep together from so many years and it felt so much of attachment with the children. Even though my friends children are separated from 4-5 years and we were aware of it. When I discussed with my h/b, he said not now, if you have any problems, you go to their rooms. Since then I didn't asked. He want both the children either of his side and then he sleeps. He always used to tell that this is the the time we get their love and once they grow up we loose their love and affection. So, let them sleep with us till they feel they want to sleep separately. Nothing more in this case. However, thank you so much for you comments and have a nice day and best regards. Meera
@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Both my children used to sit with computer with internet. Both are only go to facebook and nothing more on it. Whenever they are finished with the computer, they will login to myLot for for me and call us saying, mom, myLot is ready, you can sit now. They got their own science, mathematic, and some learning help sites and I have noticed many times with their track, and they never gone to any bad sites ever. We should be careful when there are more than one people (children) sitting together. Whenever they use the net, I will be around. But I ever noticed that my children ever used any unwanted sites. I think they are still not aware of it. It is my observation. It can be wrong also, but so far so good, who nows what is tomorrow. Meera
@Kamz83 (4)
• Philippines
28 Dec 10
Hi Meera, In my opinion I suggest it's about time you let your children have their own room. Children their age start to develop independence and privacy as a part of their individual growth. I have nothing against the love you have for your children, all parents have it in them. I am a parent myself. But to help them be independent and be able to have their own space would help them in their future. In my profession, I have observed some individuals who find it difficult to decide for themselves in situations wherein they have to choose alone. Having their own room would be a good start for that independent development. And it will not make you less of a parent. Happy New Year to you and your family
@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Hi dear, Thanks for you comments. Before posting this topic, I was very much sure that all will advise me for the separate places. Because it is very rare now-a-days and none of our family member know about it. If they also come to know of it, they would suggest. Any one who comes to our home also won't feel different because all three bed rooms have separate coats, beds and pillows. So there wont be any doubt. It is only because we got made it as a habit and nothing else. Both the children are better in studies and other activities etc. In fact we never asked them to go to their own rooms. Now things are under consideration and it is going to happen soon. Meera
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
27 Dec 10
Children of that age should not be sleeping in their parent's bed. If they are not already into puberty, they will be soon. Ideally, they should each have separate bedrooms. If that is not possible, each should, at least, have separate beds.
@meerat75 (111)
28 Dec 10
Hi dear, Yes, I understand what you are telling. We are setting up their own sleeping places with more attractive things, separate study tables, book shelves, dress tables and more comfortable thing suitable to children. I think once they get attached with their own things, they keep a mind of sleeping in their own rooms and also we are planning to sty in their rooms for some time till they sleep. Once they are used to for a week time, I think they will follow. Meera
@rose1717 (190)
• United States
3 May 11
I would think that at 14, your son is going to need his privacy and own space. I think you should move him out. I think I would move him out first and then your daughter out into her own space. She is only 10 so she may get scared and come back into your room at night. I agree with what someone else has said about starting them out each night in their own rooms. I'm from America and we usually don't have children sleep with us. When my son was born we had him sleeping in our room in his crib (baby bed). At his 6 month doctor visit, the doctor told us he should be moved out into his own room. We did move him out. When our daughter was born we were told the same thing but I didn't listen this time. We co-slept in the same bed from the time we were in the hospital until she was 6 years old. This is not the norm in America though. Our daughter is now a year younger then yours and she still sometimes asks if she can sleep in our room. Sometimes on weekends we will allow our kids to camp out in sleeping bags in our room on the floor and watch movies, eating popcorn until they fall to sleep. It is just fun family time for us. Maybe this is something you can still have your children do once in a while. If you don't have a tv in your room, then maybe tell stories or read a book together.