Sometimes I just want to give up
@Masihi (4413)
Canada
January 1, 2011 5:17pm CST
Hubby and I never really had a close relationship, it was only a marriage of convience, really, he was getting old, and he also felt sorry for me, and I was lonely and maried the first Christian man that would have me. (this was before I changed my belief to Messianic Judaism)
He's always criticising me, trying to take over my cooking, saying my cooking sucks, tells me my ideas are dumb and stupid, that I'm ugly an look like a monkey.
I can't help if my face is deformed, and there's nothing cognitively wrong with me, and my deformity doesn't affect my health, so why freaking pay for plastic surgery if I can't afford it?
He was raised by his grandmother, who spoiled him rotten, made him selfish to anyone except for me as his wife, ugh, I just hate his personality.
Anyway, I can't divorce him cuz we have 2 kids. I'm trying so hard to work things out, I gave up an online relationship, close friendship with men, I want to start a new life, but it seems so useless. Nothing I say or do is right. He also won't go to marriage counseling, and he won't consent to a divorce either. He's bent on staying together as a family. For me, I just want to give up and sleep my life away.
Anyway, thanks for listening to me, I just feel like I don't know where to turn, what to do.
8 people like this
29 responses
@Suggar (3606)
• Bulgaria
1 Jan 11
Hello hun,
you know that you have friends here, this is why you share around. I'm the same, every time when i have problems or feel something very exiting, i'm here to share 
Exactly how old is your husband? I ask because of one reason, if he is from other generation may be it will be hard for him to understand your feelings, even if you try your best to express them.
What you said about your man doesn't sound good at all. Not because of you, but because he is able to hurt his own wife so bad, even without thinking what happens in her heart and mind at the same time. Some things he is not : gentleman, kid person, supportive person, positive person.
You need to know that you are a strong lady and i am sure you are, because i've read a lot of your opinions and you are one of the most nicest people i know around. I'm just wondering how you keep that great spirit if you are victim of such behavior?
Exactly how old is your husband? I ask because of one reason, if he is from other generation may be it will be hard for him to understand your feelings, even if you try your best to express them.
What you said about your man doesn't sound good at all. Not because of you, but because he is able to hurt his own wife so bad, even without thinking what happens in her heart and mind at the same time. Some things he is not : gentleman, kid person, supportive person, positive person.
You need to know that you are a strong lady and i am sure you are, because i've read a lot of your opinions and you are one of the most nicest people i know around. I'm just wondering how you keep that great spirit if you are victim of such behavior? @Masihi (4413)
• Canada
5 Jan 11
I strive to be positive and self-aware, it's the best thing I can do right now. As for my husband he is 14 years older than me.
Maybe it is the age gap that's straining our relationship, but I do admit he is better than he was a few years ago, for sure.
@GardenGerty (157551)
• United States
2 Jan 11
How old is he? Is he experiencing dementia? I have seen other pictures of you besides this one and you are attractive. You need to pray about the situation, and yes, talk to friends, like here. And maybe talk with your clergy person as well.Very wise giving up relationships with men, even as friends, because people can be led astray easier than you might think. You are creative and you are working towards positive goals, do not let him make you give up.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157551)
• United States
5 Jan 11
Some days probably are pretty rough for all of you. The thing I was told by teachers regarding learning disabled is that the same initials (LD) that designate that disability can also mean Learns Differently. He is able to learn, and I hope for your family's sake that he does. You all need some postives in your lives.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
6 Jan 11
Let him do the cooking. I'm guessing the two of you don't communicate very well so you cannot talk to him? I'm thinking you need to talk to someone because wanting to sleep as you do is a sign of depression. That's understandable because it sounds as if your husband is trying to make you feel worthless. It will not be long before your spirit is gone if you don't begin to stand up to him. I would suggest you go to personal counselling.
Don't let another person make you feel so bad that you miss out on the joy of life. I did that. You only get one go at it so make it count sweety. OK?...make it worthwhile and enjoy it as much as you can.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
14 Jan 11
I can understand you having those conditions of depression and anxiety disorder under the circumstances. I couldn't live with a person like your man so you are one of those angels I truly admire because you are a better person than I. The role you have of teacher to your husband must be so difficult when you also have to mother his children, take care of the home and then yourself at the very bottom of everything.
I'll bet half the time when he upsets or annoys you is when he's feeling totally frustrated himself. Teaching him to do things independently is great...is he getting the hang of things on the computer?
I was sorry to see all those responders say to leave him, even when you said you didn't want to do that. Forget about it. We know now you were angry and blowing off steam and that's what's great about this site. Chin up now, every day is a brand new day. Just try and make the most of it...little bits at a time.
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
14 Jan 11
Thanks for the encouragment, but remember I'm not an angel! LOL!!! Yes, I did hear that people with learning disability can get upset more easily because of their frustration in everyday issues. He is loving Sidetick and answering Jenny's blog every day now. I'm also promoting his referral link instead of mine since I"m so well-established in my own profile. Now, we're going to work as a team to get some more photos up to is site as well.
Every time I see your profile pic, I can't help but smile, I love it!!!
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
14 Jan 11
he does do some of his cooking, actually, but to be honest, I'm too much in love with my kitchen lol
I have depression & anxiety disorder, and am on medication which helps a great deal.
I'm hoping that by pushing him to do things like email acounts and Sidetick and Facebook he might become a better person - I mean challenging him in things he's never done before. It's like every week he's gaining confidence in computers, just like he taught himself to bake bread. He's really enjoying the computer stuff. Those are great accomplishments for someone with a learning disability. It's just that sometimes it all builds up and I explode...then I get back on my feet. I didn't mean to alarm anyone :-(
@jepoi17 (118)
• Philippines
2 Jan 11
masihi
. . hi friend i admire you for what you did what is really
important here is you always appreciate the commitment you
to your husband and to your kids!
. . though there are people don't really appreciate your
existence we your friend here, will remain at your side no
matter what, just always remember that beauty is not only
found for what you have possess but what really beauty is
your attitudes and character towards it..
1 person likes this
@Kalyni2011 (3496)
• India
14 Jan 11
Thank you for sharing the story in details, i am not aware of the laws in your country about divorce, well you must try to adjust, if there is no remedy, one has to bear it..
kalyani
1 person likes this
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
14 Jan 11
I am bearing it - and leading a revolution at the same time! I know I was mad when I wrote this but I calmed down,, and I really, truly do want to save our family.
@icollier (89)
• United States
2 Jan 11
I would like to say that you are a beautiful person. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. God sees the beauty of a person from the inside and not the outside. And that is the way we should be seeing a person. I am sorry you and your husband are going through this rough patch in your marriage. I hope that He will decide to get marriage counseling so you can save your marriage. Your two beautiful children need both of you. But, there is only so much abuse a person can take and mental abuse can be worse then physical abuse at times. It scars the inside where people can't see it. I will keep you in my prayers.
2 people like this
@Thoroughrob (11742)
• United States
3 Jan 11
First, stand up for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated like that and your kids don't need to be around it either. You need to do what is best for your family. He knew when he married you that you had a deformity, it should not be thrown up to you now. It is cruelty. He is abusing you mentally and emotionally. Stand up to him and make it stop, or find another home for you and the kids, or make him leave. Your kids need you!!
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
1 Jan 11
You should divorce him BECAUSE you have two kids together. I really don't understand why people think kids are so damn stupid that they don't see and hear every cruel thing that goes on in relationships like this. You really think it's not effecting them to see your husband constantly mocking you, putting you down, attacking you? You don't think they notice that you are listless and slowly dying inside? That they're giving up on living and just want to "sleep your life away"?
I don't give a damn what he refuses to do. LEAVE HIM. File for divorce yourself, you don't need his permission to live your life.
1 person likes this
@ChampagneGiggles (699)
• United States
4 Jan 11
I sincerely feel for you. I'm sorry your husband doesn't appreciate a godly woman when he has one. You said he won't go to marriage counseling - I recommend you go ahead and go on your own. It might help you see your marriage from a third party perspective. And there are options other than remaining in a cold relationship, even when you have kids. You could separate. You don't need his permission for that. And in most places, once you've been separated for so long, you can get a divorce without your spouse's consent. As far as your kids are concerned, I think it might be better for them to see what Mom's like when she's happy. It's never good for children to see their father disrespect their mother, which is what your husband's doing to you. There are men out there who think you're beautiful inside and out, and who will tell you. Providing half the DNA for your children isn't a good enough reason for a man who emotionally mistreats you to be in your life.
@indahfth (11161)
• Indonesia
2 Jan 11
your problem same as my problem. My relationship with my husband, not as husband and wife in general. We seldom communicate, or joking, even though we were together. I also can not be divorced, because my husband did not want a divorce. I also often considered stupid, and almost every day I was scolded by my husband. I was tortured because of this, but I can not do anything. I decided to accept all this, with sincerity. although sometimes, do not feel strong, and wants to run. but to hold on to religion, I try to survive. I'm sure, God will give me strength.
@Masihi (4413)
• Canada
15 Jan 11
Hi, Indafth, I think you are right in staying in unless you're in physical harm. I understand the relationships aren't easy at all, and I'm working very hard to save my marriage. I was very angry when I wrote this but now I'm cooled off, but still, I think anything that's good is worth fighting for. I do believe G-d gives a person strength when we truly trust in Him.
@freymind (1351)
• Philippines
3 Jan 11
I know that its tough for you right now but hang in their for the sake of your kids. Nobody has the right to tell you the things he did and I just hope that karma will soon take over him.
He's got guts not to go for marriage counselling when he's ruining whatever you have. But I guess it goes with his age since you said that he is old when you got married.
I hope he'll soon just set you free and consent to a divorce so you can live your life peacefully. I wish and pray that everything will be okay in the next few days for you.
@Professor2010 (20162)
• India
5 Jan 11
Hi Mashi, thank you so much for sharing. This is the right place to seek opinion and advise of friends, members, sorry to hear this, well how old he is, is he much older than you? i am not aware of law there, but one can go for divorce or legal help of some kind.
Professor ‘Bhuwan’. .
HAPPY NEW YEAR
@terryt52 (243)
• United States
2 Jan 11
First off what a better way to vent your frustrations that on my lot amongst friends. You are somebody and you do not have to stay in a marriage that has nothing in it for you. If you are unhappy your children feel that to. You can start fresh and there is nothing wrong with you. God made you special the way he wanted you. No one is ugly. Get up tomorrow morning take a deep breath and say today is the day that I start working toward my happiness. You can do this. Ask God for help and he will guide, put trust and faith in the most high and nothing is impossible. Good Luck and God Bless. YOU ARE SOMEBODY
1 person likes this
@singup (666)
• Malaysia
3 Jan 11
hi Masihi
when i read what you wrote i wish this is fiction stroy i can read it and forget it after i finish it but if this is your real life ... i don't know from where should i start to write
the biggest problem i notice that make you accept this satuation is the kids.
if there is no kids .. ohh god i will leave him today or now if i can .
but come to real life ... there are two kids and you can't coninue your life suffering
i think you and your husband need consaltion ... he will not accept ... ok find a way to inforce him by someone he can be afrid from him or something you can do to make him want to do if you can't inforce him ...
i wish that you will find a wasy to skip.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
2 Jan 11
First I see your avatar and you are a cute woman. Second, if he hates your cooking then stop cooking for him. If he Hates everything about you , then it is his problem , not yours. If he doesn't want a divorce And he won't stop treating you badly then just separate. Having the kids see you get treated badly isn't good. You don't need a divorce to start a new / separate life. It takes two to start over and try to make things work. and if he won't change , then leave. You deserve to ne treated with respect. Your kids deserve a happy mom.In fact they Need a happy mom. I know it is so easy for me to say leave. And can only imagine how hard it will be but in the long run it is better for you and the kids. Good Luck , Take Care.
@shaggin (71666)
• United States
2 Jan 11
He doesnt have to consent to a divorce... if you want a divorce you apply for one and after a year the courts will rule if you can divorce. Just because one person doesnt want a divorce doesnt mean that they can have it their way. I've never heard of the courts not allowing someone to divorce who really wanted to. If you dont like this man get away from him! He sounds terrible like my ex was. I have to kids and I am so much happier now that I am not with him anymore. We have been split up for a year now.
When he tells you that you are ugly say if I'm ugly and it bothers you so much why did you marry me. Tell him that if he wants you to have plastic surgery that he can save up the money and pay for it!
If he complains about your cooking tell him that you wont cook for him anymore and he can cook for himself if he is going to complain about everything. Then just cook your food and eat it and he will have to make his own food.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think its terrible that he would treat you that way. Your married that doesnt mean your his slave or his verbal punching bag!
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
3 Jan 11
You cannot change your husband, so don't try. The bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath. If he wants to do the cooking, let him. I'd love it if my husband would cook, as I hate it. Take care of your children. Give them plenty of love. Don't let your husband's disagreeable disposition rub off on them.
@mods196621 (3652)
• Philippines
2 Jan 11
You know that sometimes we need to think ourselves and in your case you need to have a lawyer to help you for your divorce papers. He is not a good company even he was your husband and he was a father of your 2 kids. Your life with him is disaster so why to be with him. Try to have a good life with your kids and be at peace no hurt feelings and no bad words. Your kids will be at peace too. And remember we are here the mylot community. Be happy!
@titchy1231 (732)
•
2 Jan 11
if it was me i would get out. they way he treats and talks to you is wrong, i know as my ex was like that, luckily we were not married but had 2 kids. even if he wont divorce you i would still leave him as it wrong to stay in a relationships just for the kids.
@Mimi55 (4)
•
2 Jan 11
Dear Mashih,
I guess the first thing you have to work at is empowering yourself, you need to do something that would at least guarantee you some kind of steady income. You can try to learn a trade if you don't think you have any skills yet. Once you start your business or working i guess your husband would sit up and start having some respect for you, and if after you start working he doesn't change then you would have to work toward separating from him. I hope you problems get solved. cheers!
