When is the right time for a woman to move out of her parent's house?

Philippines
January 10, 2011 7:11am CST
Here in the Philippines, we are used to a nuclear type of family where children finds difficulty moving out of their parent's house for some reasons. For me, my reason of staying at home is because I really like spending time with my family and since I am still single, I don't see the point of living on my own or moving out of my parents home. But my father gets annoyed at his late age with me. He vents his frustrations with me because I tend to achieve more than what he did. He asked me to live on my own and since I still live under his roof, he wants to be the one to give all the decisions in our house. I don't fight back but I feel that I really need to move out of our house now. Anyway, I have the capacity to do so. It's just that I think I would miss my mother and my niece. Is it really about time for me to leave them?
4 people like this
20 responses
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
10 Jan 11
hello, I wonder about this,this is not the usual scene here in our country. Parents don't even want their kids to live separately after marriage (if only they could hold their son/daughter from moving out) Well,i don't understand why your father is driving you out of the house esp that you are a woman. Maybe he wants you to get married...parents wants to see their kids settling and having a happy family of their own before they die. Do you think it's not the reason?...only that your father can't say it directly. Parents are bothered about their children's life once they die. Why not ask you father about it..have a heart to heart talk...he is you father anyway,rather than feeling bad towards him. Have a good day
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Hahaha... It is somehow right. He really wants me to get married. However, it seems not the direction for me. I have no luck in that department. Anyway, he said sorry already and that he said those things because he's not feeling well. But this gets me to thinking and planning for my future. I really ought to grow and learn to be independent. Because there will come a time that I have to be stronger. Thanks for your input. See you around mylot.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Oh,another wonder here.... i got bunch of female friends who are still single. the youngest is 26 and the rest on their late 30's now. not to mention that they are pretty and sexy huh. what's happening with you girls?...are you too choosy? or...guys are too shy and intimidated..since you're professionals (ugh ugh)
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
LOL! Actually, both may apply. I am too choosy and I think they get intimidated as well (which I think works for me... if not for all, the majority. Hehehe). But I guess it's just not the right time.
@maximax8 (28559)
• United Kingdom
10 Jan 11
It is lovely that you really enjoy spending time with your family. You are still single so it is totally reasonable that you are still living at home. It is a shame that your father vents his frustrations out on you. Maybe you could stay there for a couple more years or move to a place nearby. Then you would still be able to see your family very often. In my home country it is normal for a young person to move out of his or her parents house when he or she feels ready. For example he or she might have an established career and a steady wage packet. I lived in a halls of residence when I was 16 to 18 years old term time and went home at weekends plus in the holidays. At age 19 years old I bought my own little cottage. I still spent a lot of time at my parents house in my early twenties. When I was aged 20 years old I went off on my trip around the world. One of my friends moved into a bedsit when she was 20 years old. Another one of my friends was still living at home until age 36 years old. So it depends on the individual person. Good luck with deciding if you will stay at home or move nearby.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Hi maximax8. Thanks for your suggestions and it does help me with my plans and decisions. I tried to assess myself if I am actually ready to move out. Financially, I believe I can do so. It would be easy to rent a room or a unit. But then I think it would be better if I buy a house so that it can be a more stable move for me. I would just need to save for the down payment and from there I can just get a loan. Thanks again and happy mylotting.
@EdnaReyes (2628)
• Philippines
10 Jan 11
If you can't settle the issue with your father then it's time for you to move out. Living independently could be a blessing in disguised and might give your father rime to miss you and realize that he should be proud of you instead of venting his frustrations in you. Let the issue simmers down a bit. Give space for both of you and I'm sure once you moved out, you'll always be welcome for a visit and if they will miss you a lot, welcoming you back is not impossible.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Thanks EdnaReyes. I intend to do that and I am now planning either to rent, or buy a unit/house. However, I would need time to save for down payment. With my father saying sorry, that gives me enough time to do these. I would just have to be more patient and understanding towards my parents. They are not getting any younger. But still, I have to find my own place and create a home for my own. We usually clash because of our different values. My father would need his space and I think it would be hard for him to accept my belief. Thanks for sharing. And see you around mylot.
@Suggar (3612)
• Bulgaria
10 Jan 11
Hello Snow, i would say that your father may be doesn't feel good if he was the person who took all decisions in the past and now he has to conform with the thinking of the others, even if you are his daughter. It happens that way that young people usually need different kind of living than their parents, because parents in some age want to live calm and quietly. I think that you will feel great if you move out of your home. I left home when i was 24. I so much wanted it before leaving my mom, but now one year later, i wish to live closer - not in our family house, just closer to her, because now i live on 120 kilometers of her. There was time when she cared about me so much i miss that time but i feel more independent now and i like it. I started to build my own life - doing my job, making my own rules at home and it's just great. I believe that you will like your life when you leave home, just don't go too far from your family, because you will miss them a lot. And you will see how all the differences between your opinions and your father opinions will has no place in your life then.
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Thanks for your input suggar. It is very exact with my situation. My father is getting old and he has lots of concerns and issues. I just hope that he'll be able to overcome this phase in his life. I still intend to find my own place. I believe I would really feel good when I get to stand on my own two feet. Happy mylotting.
@Suggar (3612)
• Bulgaria
11 Jan 11
Hello again hun, i can say that for men it's really hard when they can't do their normal life as it was before. You know, there are that kind of men who are extra responsible and were very active in their life and when some health problems knock on their own door, it's making them nerve and pissed off of everything. I got the right example, who is the father of my boyfriend. He was businessman before and he has so active and nice life, doing money, walking our with friends, he was a hunter with so many hobbies. Last years he received one illness and now he can't move one of his hands and one of his legs. He is not paralyzed, but he is not like before. His social life ended, most of his friends went away and don't look for him anymore, he just can't live so active and he can't earn money, so he is closed in his little box at home, lost hope that he will live as it was before, he just gave up. And i can see him, he is so nerve at himself, but because he got nothing to do about it, all the time my boyfriend and his mother are victim of his murmur. Most of the time he is not pleased by anything, everything is done wrong about him. It was that way before we move - we lived with my boyfriend's parents around half an year. And now when we moved, he loves us more than everything. He understood how much we care about him and that we are worried, so now my boyfriend and his father got great talks and good relations.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
I'm happy for you and for your boyfriend. People are like that... they don't see the value of the people around them when they are still around. But when they don't see friends and family members anymore, they began to realize that they had taken their love ones for granted. I hope I would not commit the same mistake. I intend to give just some space to breath between my father and I but I also intend not to break our relationship. Thanks again for your sharing.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
12 Jan 11
Surely, you can find a place near enough to your parents that you can visit them frequently. It seems to me that it is time for you to have a place of your own, or would you miss having your father tell you what to do?
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
If I stay on the same street, it would be too near for my mother and I'm sure she will visit my house often and wash all my dirty clothes and clean my room. I intend to use my transpo expense daily and convert it to rental expense. So my plan is to find a place near work. That way, my mother will be discourage to visit me daily. I'll just visit her maybe twice a week. But before I do that, I have to save first. Thanks.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
14 Jan 11
Good plan.
@maclanis (1577)
• Belgium
17 Jan 11
First of all, I don't think there really is a difference between a man or a woman moving out of their parent's house, but maybe I just got confused by the title. :) Personally, I would never stay long in my parent's house, I think it's important to become independent. And it's not like you have to live alone or anything, you can maybe get a place with a friend. I just think it's not really healthy to stay home until you're like 30 or something. But since I don't know how old you are, I can't really say if it's already the time for you to move out. It also depends on if you have a job, or if you're still studying. :)
• Philippines
18 Jan 11
Hi. Thanks for commenting. Actually, I'm old enough to leave my parent's abode. I have a job a regular job that pays well. I even helped my siblings finished their studies. It's just that I feel obligated to help in the family. But right now, since both of my siblings have finished their studies, I believe I can already leave home. Happy mylotting.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
I'm glad I landed to this discussion as I can relate to you a lot. The thought of leaving the house has been lurking in my brain for months now. I've been saving to prep for the DP and all and I am really firm now that I will go out in no later than March LOL. If you feel it is the right thing to do, then go for it. There's no wrong or right decision on this, it's just a matter of how you keep up, manage and balance your life alone and with the family.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Thanks rainbowink. :) It's nice to know that we share the same experience. I hope this discussion helps you. Our fellow mylotters gave good opinions that would help us in our decisions. Next to that is to pray that we make the right decision and that God helps us to face this new adventure in our life. Happy mylotting.
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
13 Jan 11
do not do it. Stay with them until you are ready to move out. Perhaps when you marry.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Thanks andy77e. I have thought about it. Perhaps when I've saved enough to pay for the two months rental deposit and 1 month advance. Getting married may not be the right solution. That entails more responsibility compared to being independent. Also, if one gets married, he/she should live on their own and not with parents... yes I agree with that. But as for my case, it is not a likely option. Anyway, thanks. Happy mylotting.
@klarian (49)
• Philippines
12 Jan 11
i believe its not a matter of nationality, religion, and shared opinion by friends or relatives, rather it is a matter of conviction. a woman need not have specific age or even lucrative job as mass-based reason for living, since the point here is her sense of freedom and responsibility to stand on her own. even at 18 or 20 something, if a woman would opt to leave her parent's house, then she can by all means go on her own.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Thanks for the vote of confidence klarian. I hope that it is indeed a wise decision for me that I won't regret someday. For the meantime, I'll take it easy with my parents since they are both getting old. I will leave them softly so that they will understand the reason for my leaving. That it is not because that I don't love them but because I need to learn how to take care of myself so that I can take care of others (specially them).
• China
11 Jan 11
As a daughter, we would like to have freedom, and then there will not be so mant should to dos and shouldn't to dos. So when we think we are grown up, it will be the time to live whithout parents. But as the parents, there are so many worries about their baby girl, what ever how old are you! At least, it happened on between my parent s and me.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Hahaha. That is very true for me. I remember when I was still working in Dunkin Doughnuts (food chain) for part-time, while finishing my studies, my parents agreed that I can work provided that they will pick me up from work. I told them that I would feel ashamed if they do that. We met half-way and they get to meet me at the corners of the street near our house. But they visited me at stores when they got a chance (which was sooo frequent). I remembered too that my father used to tell me that he worry for me because I am too spirited and adventurous for a girl. He said it was okay if I was a boy or I'm ugly. But it happens that I have (not to boast) likable appearance.
@klarian (49)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
for me, the right time for a woman or any person for that matter is when she is able to sustain her basic needs and she can stand on her own; in other words, she is already financially stable. aside from that she should consider if she is holistically ready (mentally, spiritually,physically).
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Hi klarian. I think, financially, I just have to settle a few bills. Mentally and spiritually, I believe I am ready as well. With physically, I think I need to wait until I get clearance for my injured foot. But all in all, I am almost ready. I can rent a house with my current income but I need a friend to stay with me. Also, I've been thinking, if I rent room or a house, it would be temporary. I am now thinking of saving for a property. Wish me luck!
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
I live independently since I was high school. When I got married, I told my husband I prefer living separately from his parents (because they have their own house). We tried to live on our own for two years. But since I'm the only breadwinner, it's hard live with my salary only. He was able to convinced to live in their house, though I really don't like :D In your case, I suggest you tried living on your own, if the reason is that you will miss your mother and niece, you may set a regular schedule to visit them. It's a nice experience that you were able to live on your own ;)
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Hi mingviva03. Thanks for your suggestion. It is motivating and inspiring. Hearing or learning experience of others gives me more conviction that I may be making the right decision.
@pipayful (32)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
I think yes, because you need to be independent in preparation to have your own family.In your case since you stayed long time with your family that's why you have difficult time to leave them, you need to do it little by little until you become dependent.
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
You are correct pipayful. I've stayed so long with my family that I forgot already my dream when I was still a teenager. I used to dream of being independent. But now, I've made my family so dependent of me and I in turn became too attached. I would just have to start saving and start learning new habits like washing my clothes, going out for groceries, and everything that has something to do with taking care of myself. Thanks for your input.
@jennbart (1332)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
I think its best to move out of the house when you are married. I have a sister and a brother who are already married and they have their own houses to go to or to go home to. But! if you can also move out of your parents and you do not go well with each other too well. If you are always fighting over small things, then just might as well go and move out and have PEACE and QUIET life.:)
• Philippines
13 Jan 11
Thanks jennbart. Honestly, I seldom gets to see my father because I spend long hours at work. I see him during the evening, when I am all exhausted already. I usually watch tv or just lay down while waiting for dinner when I arrive home to get a few hours rest. However, my father thinks that I am just bumming around. Hopefully that changed after our discussion. I told him that I want peace and quiet after work and I don't need all the bickering. I told my mother that I usually have to settle problems at work, counseling my co-employees and resolving of other people's issues in life. It seems that my mother relayed this to my father. And now, he is extra careful. Right now, my father behaves well. I just hope that he will always have a good mood. My mother derives her happiness from us, her children. She got used to my father's moods already but I know that she will be very lonely when we leave home. I would aspire to find a place for my own but I guess I would have more time to prepare for it. I would also need to find a place near home and work so that it will not be very difficult for me to visit my family. I've grown to love my niece so much and I will surely be unhappy if I don't get to see her. Right now, my niece and my mom are the big factors that keeps me from staying at home.
@SIMPLYD (81774)
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
There's more to your assumption why your father wants you to live independently already. You could probably treat him for a dinner in a restaurant and talk with him, why he wanted you out of the house. Most of the parents would want their children to stay with them, much more if they are working already so they can more or less contribute financially for the expenses in the house. Though, a parent would never voice it out to their working children, they want them to have the initiative of offering monetary help. They would be too proud to voice that out but deep inside they long for that. In the Phils., generally it is time to move out of your parents house, once you got married. However, if the parents live in a big house all by themselves only, probably the children could ask them if they want them out of the house once they are married. They might want you and your spouse to accompany them in the house . It's best to talk with them about it. You just have to choose the right timing to do that.
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
You have a good point. As I said to the other respondents, it was a reversed situation. Actually, I am more of the bread winner in the family. My father may be losing his securities now that we, his children decide for ourselves. He wanted us to just follow what he would say but that cannot be the case since we are all old enough. My father said sorry to me this morning. According to him, he did not intended to say those words and that he was just not feeling well. I forgive him but I still would want to transfer. I will now start saving for my future. I will not just leave them immediately. I would just have to take a step at a time. Happy mylotting.
@peavey (16856)
• United States
10 Jan 11
I think if your father wants you to move, then you should move. Are you paying rent to your parents? Could it be that you're achieving more unfairly because you don't have financial and personal obligations that your father has? Also, he has the right to make decisions for you if you live in his house. When you are responsible enough to have your own home, then you can make your own decisions. You can always visit your mother and niece and they can visit you.
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
It's a different way around. I give money to my mother every pay day... I pay the bills for the telephone and cable tv... and I helped my brother finish his studies. I lend money most of the time to my mother when needed and I buy my mother things that she needs when able to. The very reason of my dad's insecurities are because of the fact that I am totally independent with my decisions and he can't take that. He has no work and he feels that the only authority that he has was the fact that we are living under his roof. Don't get me wrong. I don't lose respect towards my dad. In fact, I love him and I want to help him. He may just need space and chance to feel that he's in-charge. By moving out of our house, it would give him chance to feel free. Thanks for your comment. See you around.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
10 Jan 11
I think a woman should move out of her parent's house when she is ready for her own indepedence. She shouldn't go just because it is something her parents want. she shouldn't leave just to get married either. It has to be a freewill decision for her own life.
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Amen. Totally agree!!!
• China
10 Jan 11
I can't tell you wether it's time for you to move out,it's your desicion!but I can share with you some of my views! I do want buy a small house of my own!I like the feeling to live alone,so I can have a private room!I suppose moving out doesn't mean you leave your parents,you can come back home often,having a dinner with them or just live with them one day a week!I'm sure that time your father will miss you more! good luck!
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Same here. Actually, I have my own small room. I now have so many things that won't fit in my room. I really want to have my own space or house to groom and design. I don't have this opportunity at home because my mother does the cleaning and decision for the furniture arrangements. If I'm able to buy my own house, then that would give me chance to design the way I want my home to be.
@shaggin (37329)
• United States
10 Jan 11
I moved out of my parents house right before I turned 18. I couldnt get along with my parents I had to get out of their house. It was horrible living there. If something happened and I had no where to live I'd rather move with my ex who I hate then move back into my parents house. I dont think there really is a right or wrong age to move out. As long as your of legal age to live alone which in the United states is 18 then I think its fine. If your parents dont mind you living with them after that age then thats fine but if they dont want you living there any longer then its your responsibility to move out and get a place of your own and let your parents have their house to themselves. Your parents might want time alone without having to have another adult in the household all the time.
• Philippines
11 Jan 11
Hi shaggin. When I was younger, I really wanted to move out. But since our culture was a close-knit family, it was not feasible during that time. I admire you for having the strength to move out at such a young age. Now, I somehow felt that I became emotionally dependent towards my mother. Anyway,this is somehow a good opportunity for me to grow. Happy mylotting.
@buggles64 (2715)
• United States
11 Jan 11
Certainly not 46 years old with two kids! I should have been gone and out of here 20 years ago! I agree if you are able to at all, move out away from your parents home. You can always go back to visit. It makes it so much easier to visit...when you actually live somewhere else :) Good luck!!