Do you hold back your "good news" from a friend who's not doing so well?

@much2say (40050)
United States
January 16, 2011 3:54am CST
Lately, knock on wood, some good things have come our way. My hubby was invited to and hired to work at another company just before the New Year . . . this means he/we get better income, benefits, etc etc . . . and the work ethics of this place is just top notch. He and we are so excited for him - it'll be such a great opportunity for him. Also, although it's still pending, an opportunity to move into a bigger place came up in our building. We NEED a bigger place and it opened up recently - what timing! We just saw the place as they are totally renovating it, and it'll be awesome. Like I said, we are still waiting word to get it (that's another story), this will be another great opportunity for us. Anyway, I have a friend who had a hard year last year. She had to let go of her business (her only real source of income which wasn't that much), she filed bankruptcy, she got scammed on her mystery shopping venture, she had to downsize her apt from 2 to 1 bedroom, she had to downsize her lifestyle, one of her cats died (as the vet bills for her other 3 cats keep escalating) . . . in other words it's just been a downhill spiral for her, one thing after another. It's been real scary financially for her - her ex had to bail her out on the rent a few times. Towards the holidays, we didn't get to chat or get together for whatever reason. But we're aiming to do it soon. We have much to catch up on . . . but I don't want to sound like I'm bragging. But I don't want to withhold info from her either - of course she'd find out about it soon enough anyway - whether from us or some other person - and then she'd be hurt. So how would you tell a friend who is down on their luck about your "good news"?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
Hi! I'm happy for your success and good tidings. Anyway,I think that the best approach would be to share a little blessing to her,that way she would feel happy to have a friend when she/he is in need and at the same time feel happy for you. Good luck on the new place!
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Oh, thank you for your kind words! I would hope I would be able to share the good news with my friend, I just hope she takes it the right way. I don't want to feel like I'm rubbing it into her - that wouldn't be good. But yes, the new year has been treating us well thus far! May good things come your way too!
@choybel (5059)
• Philippines
18 Jan 11
I wouldn't see it that way. Whenever a friend shares anything with me, I feel lucky having him/her around, most especially when I am very down. I think that's what friends are for, being there no matter the circumstances. So, I think that by being able to share something wouldn't be rubbing it into her, and if that's how she'll feel about it then that is her lost.
@megamatt (14327)
• United States
18 Jan 11
It is not something that I really would brag about to a friend that is a bit down on their luck all things considered. There are a lot of times where I have some good news, but obviously, someone I know is having one of those really bad days where anything that I told them would rub some salt on the wounds and thus I would feel rather bad. Therefore I would hold back on some news that I might have, as to not make them feel bad. It is really the considerate thing to do after all.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
19 Jan 11
Yah, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging - and I think she wouldn't take it that way - but who knows. She's been down for a long time now - over a year - and how much longer can I hold off any good news - afterall, we are friends. It's hard to down play certain types of news, isn't it?
@thedaddym (1737)
• United States
17 Jan 11
Sometimes it is really hard to tell someone something good that has happened to you when they are really in a bad way. It might actually be cruel. So I have held back things from friends in the past at least until they are in a better mood. But I let the situation and their mood dictate if I should tell them or not. Sometimes they want to hear something happy to cheer them, up but sometimes not. It is always best to use good judgment in these situations and never ever brag.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
17 Jan 11
Yep, I'll have to see what mood she is in at the time. She's sometimes a hard read . . . she'll mostly seem happy (if not overly happy), but I know she has her bouts of "oh woe is me". I think you're right that I would have to catch her when she is in a better mood. I don't think of myself as a bragger, but the news itself might seem like I'm bragging . . . oh - such a fine line with situations like this!
@SIMPLYD (81467)
• Philippines
17 Jan 11
Maybe you could share it to her in a subtle way. Then probably, you could ask her, how you could help her in her present situation once your husband stabilizes also with her new job.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
17 Jan 11
I will certainly try! I'll try to be as subtle as possible, but I don't know how much more subtle I can be about saying my hubby got a new job and that we're moving to a bigger place. Actually many of us have tried to help our friend in her time of need, but she doesn't seem to take advice well. She wants to think she has everything under control - despite what she's going through right now. One of our friends insisted that she get a "real" job - and boy, she flew off the roof on that one. But yes, I'll see what I can do about helping her out in other ways.
• China
17 Jan 11
We can all face the situation when we are enjoying our good luck while our friends are suffering from predicament. If it happened on me, most likely I would choose to conceal it because though we are friends, my success will provide with a contrast with his or her bad time and that may hurt his or her feeling, if we are good enough to spare the consideration and I want him or her the facts, I would just mention it casually. If you are not meant to show off, I think your friend will not misunderstand you.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
17 Jan 11
I want to tell her - and perhaps I need to tell her otherwise she will find out for someone else and get offended. I don't want to be a show off, and she knows I don't mean to be one - but my news is so much the opposite of where she is in life right now. Yes, I will have to mention it somehow casually - not to make a big deal out of it.
@joystick (1680)
16 Jan 11
I will say that i tend not to say much about good news or bad news to friends as alot of them have lots of ups and downs.I also just keep quiet to a few friends as they are the people that may go and tell someone without thinking and that someone maybe having a bad time.There is one friend that tends to brag about how well things are going, knowing that another friend is really having a hard life, which is not nice.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
See, that's my point. I wonder if my friend will see my telling of my news as not being nice. Everyone is saying if she were a good friend, she would be happy for us. But I can also understand also if she felt kind of bummed about it (though she may hide it) - that's just human nature. At the same time, I know she wouldn't like it if she heard the news from someone else. Hmmmmm.
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
In my opinion, it's okay to tell the good news to your friend. Tell it in an encouraging way. This may help your friend to boost her morale and stand up again from the bad things happened to her. "Friend, if this happened to us...its not impossible for you to experience"
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
I like that. Certainly she needs some motivation - but I hope she would take our news as motivating. Like I said above in another response, my husband has worked very hard to get to where he is. My friend, bless her heart, she's a good soul, but doesn't want to get a "real" job . . . she's trying to seek "easy" jobs so she can keep her freed up schedule, but it's not cutting it financially as she cannot keep up the lifestyle she had when her business was going good. But I like your ending statement - that it can happen to her if it happened to us - if she works hard, that is . . . t'is true!
@yhanie (189)
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
just take time in what to consider first,,
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Ok, what do you think I should consider first?
@louievill (19341)
• Philippines
16 Jan 11
If and when you meet together I do not think there is nothing wrong to let her know your good fortune, it's just the way it is brought up, you know no bragging or offensive jokes or anything... if she's a real good friend she would be more than happy to hear the good news. Your fortune is what you made of yourself, it's yours so why would people take offence on your success? Just because they are not doing as well? I can sense your a good person with a gentle heart because you took time to think of your friend who is down and even bothered to ask our opinion.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Oh, those are very kind words - thank you. My husband has worked very hard to get to where he is - working long hours and educated himself and such to build what he is trying to build for us. Although I think she would be happy for us, it's hard because things are not so well with her - and I feel bad for her - I don't want my "good news" to add to anything as she is quite sensitive. But you're right - as my friend once put it, if you worked for it, it's ok to toot your horn (just not too loudly, I would say).
@cazkins (73)
16 Jan 11
Firstly, I just wanted to say congrats! It's great that things are looking up and hopeful for you, and you should be really happy for yourselves! I do understand what you mean though; I've been in the same position, but I've also been in your friend's situation of having had a tough time and sitting listening to a 'friend' tell me about how great everything is for her. The fact that you're not sure what to do shows that you care, so I know you're not going to brag about it. Personally, I'd take plenty of interest in how she's doing and mention what's been going on for you but perhaps not in too much detail. She should be happy for you regardless of her situation, but let her know that you're there for her as a friend whatever happens and once you've talked about what's been going on for you both try to change the subject and talk about something more neutral, lighten the mood and enjoy each other's company. That way, you won't be holding anything back but she'll know that you're interested in how she's doing and interested in just spending time with her as a friend.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Yes, I guess I should make light of the good news - not make it so detailed and enthusiastic to make it seem like I'm rubbing it in. Oh yes, and she does rather like it when people take great interest in her - so I guess I should make a lot of the focus on her when we get together - but at least tell her what's going on with us so at least she is in the know. And thanks for the congrats! Happy New Year to you!
@NoWayRo (1062)
• Romania
16 Jan 11
Hi there much2say, If I were your friend, I'd love to hear the good news. About a year and a half ago things were also on a downward spiral for me, and almost all of my friends were holding off on the good news, so as not to offend my feelings... which was very nice of them, of course, but the result was that I only got to hear the bad news, and I was fed up with them. I even yelled at a friend, because she didn't tell me she moved into a bigger apartment. She was searching for a bigger home for ages; she didn't tell me the good news because I had to abandon my apartment and move in with my parents... that pissed me off completely. I really needed good news, especially if the good things happened to my friends, that could only make me happy.
@much2say (40050)
• United States
16 Jan 11
Sounds like you are a good friend/person to want to hear good news from your friends (you know how some people thrive on other people's woes, but you're not like that). Yah, your friends were trying not to offend you, but their good intentions came off the other way. I hope my friend will be able to take my good news well . . . it's hard because I know she is very sensitive. I know she would feel happy for us, but I hope she doesn't do the comparing thing which she often does internally to feel worse about herself. Hope things are better for you in this new year!!