Unappreciated effort in spite of everything I've done..

Philippines
January 18, 2011 4:00am CST
Do you feel like losing everything even your life when your husband tell you that he's leaving you because you are not a good wife? I know I am not perfect, but God knows I did everything to provide the needs of the children. He maybe the breadwinner of the family but I also worked to help him augment our income. But he is always quick tempered when I talk about money. He would always say I spent our budget on unimportant things when finances were low..and it is mostly the main reason of our arguments. Sometimes, I would become so angry because I know how much I spent and I know I also contributed to our budget..for me it's so unfair because he thinks that I did not handle our finances well. I really do not know why he is like that...is it a sign of a marriage about to be broken? or it is a sign that he is already having an affair with another woman?
2 people like this
7 responses
@Sreekala (24341)
• India
18 Jan 11
Hello rose, First you tell me why you doubt that he has another affair? I think it may be your imagination from your anger and frustrations. Arguments are common in family life especially when money problems arise. He may be just venting out his anger and there won’t be any serious issues like you scare. Are you doing work (as you mentioned that you are also supporting). How old is your kids? If the kids are grown up then you can find a job for supporting him financially. I think key factor is money. Getting anger to each other won’t help to solve the problems. You both should think about the kids and their future, if it broken it will affect them very badly. Try to sit with him and have an open talk, you can take advice of an elderly person, who is respected by both of you. I hope you can solve the problems in your family at the earliest and I really wish to hear the good news soon from you. My prayers are for you, be confident and expect the best.
• Philippines
19 Jan 11
hi Sreekala, thanks for your response..yes, I am working as a Pharmacist and a Pharmacy teacher right now and I have three kids, ages 8, 10 and 13. And I guess you're right, I should not fight back. I really want to have a heart to heart talk with him but in our situation, it is difficult because of the nature of his work. He is a seaman..but maybe when he comes home, I'll try to do that. Thanks again.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Jan 11
Physical distance could worsen the scenario, Rose.I don't want to be suspicious but I couldn't help that thinking that there are people who might be trying cook something not nice about you in your husband's mind. And, since he is far, he is vulnerable to believe such malicious thoughts...It's just a devil's thought and I pray it isn't the case.... Try to hold on, Rose. You need to be strong for your kids.
1 person likes this
@Sreekala (24341)
• India
20 Jan 11
His absence is also making some problem. I know how much difficult to take care of three kids, their education along with your job. Naturally you also get angry on his behaviour. Try to maintain your cool and you can do it. Your kids need you both.
@eurekafemme (5881)
• Philippines
19 Jan 11
Hi, Rose. I couldn't say that he is having an affair for sure but what I can see is that if the situation continuous that way i.e the fighting and arguments, it is more likely that your marriage is about to be broken... I used to be in such a situation when my husband told another woman , the one he was asking favors from, these very words : WHAT IS A WIFE, ANYWAY?.... When I learned about it , I felt unappreciated, useless and unworthy being his wife.It hurt me so much because I sacrificed everything for him and our family.And yet, he still has the guts to tell that to other women... No, we weren't fighting about our finances, but, maybe, it was part of the factors that stressed him up (our daughter was often hospitalized then and most of our savings went to the hospital bills). it had put a strain to our relationship and it almost break us apart. But, the thing is, he doesn't want to leave me nor he agree of me leaving him, so, we are still together until this very minute. If your husband does want to leave you despite of everything you said you did, then, it is not because of your financial issues, there is something deeper than that.I;m not saying that there is another woman involve, there could be,there couldn't be. The best thing to do is to talk to him. If talking isn't going to work, I'd say, write him a letter or an email. Tell him everything you feel but do not sound like you are accusing him of something. Pretend that you are writing a friend and not a husband. This worked for me, I hope it will for you, too.
• Philippines
19 Jan 11
hi eurekafemme, thanks for the advice...it really helped me see some light..I hope too that it's not because of something else. I'll write him and hopefully everything will be fine soon. thanks again. :)
@AKRao24 (21618)
• India
18 Jan 11
Many a times money can play a role in creating problems in a family . especially if there is dearth for it. I think instead of getting your self involved in emotions it is always better thing to be cool and think positive about you and your partner. Please don't doubt your husband if he is having affair with other woman or what! Even if he is having any affair still he is coming to you and taking care of your family and he is interacting with you! What it indicates, it indicates that he has got concern for you and your family. Please remember so long you and your husband are having dialogue, may it be then in the form of a quarrel, which is absolutely common in any family, you can be rest assured that you are being loved by your partner. If your husband's behaviour becomes indifferent and if he is not interacting with you then there can be a problem. Be quite and think coolly how hard he must be working to get the money to earn bread for the family. He may be having some tensions in office or with other people around him because which , may be he is getting irritated and he may be venting out his anger on you just under the pretext of overspending of the money. This is very common thing observed in most of the middle class families and the understanding the problem is the key factor for the solving the problem! Instead of reacting violently with him when he is angry, be patient and try to pacify him by being bit submissive at that moment...this will make a lot of difference. After two three times he will realise that you are no more responding back violently with him when he is in anger and I am sure there will be change in the behaviour. I think age factor is also a big factor to have such differences. The 30 to 40 years age group is such that there are many liabilities on the bread winner, he or she has lot of commitments towards the family, like procuring some assets, looking after the kids to give them a bright future and some times even to look after the parents also. So the bread winner at this stage is stressed a lot and may tend to loose temper as every small thing if he is unable manage to earn the money the way he really wanted to do! This I am speaking from my personal experience today at 50 I never have lost temper on my wife because of money as I have no more liabilities as our only son is serving as an Engineer after completing his studies and I am financially settled now! So dear friend, just play cool, have patience, think positive and try to cooperate your husband, try to understand his problems and try to get solutions for his problems! I am sure by doing so you will have a nice and happy family and most important of all you will feel good and have the satisfaction of contributing your efforts in making a happy Home! Wish you all the best! Thanks !
• Philippines
19 Jan 11
Hi AKRao, good day to you...your advice really enlighten me. Now I understand why he easily get angry over money matter..I will just try to understand him more.Thank you!
@aprilsong (1886)
• China
19 Jan 11
Hi, roselean, i don't know how many years you have been married. You know, couples some time to grind in with each other. It is a common thing to argue with each other, especially after honeymoon and small family things appear. At this time, you should calm down, and don't argue about one topic again and again. And don't mention problems rose last time. I, too, have experienced such kind of thing as you. After my kids were born, the situation got better. Just have a good talk with him. To find what is wrong with your budget. Is it because you spend too much? or because you are not wise enough in spending? or the income is too low? Or as you said, he just try to find fault with you?
@trader22 (233)
• Jamaica
19 Jan 11
Haha lol, but seriously if you feel like this you should talk to him. Don't jump to conclusions you might make things worst. What you can do is show him what he is missing. I'm NOT saying go and have an affair. I'm just saying remind him of the old days. Before you can ask God to change someone you should also ask him to change you and make you more enduring.
@thedaddym (1737)
• United States
18 Jan 11
If he tells you he is leaving you because you are not a good wife and you know that you have been it could be very well that he is trying to blame you for leaving when he knows deep inside that it is his fault, but it is easier to blame you, it could also likely be that there is another woman, but I can not say for sure, but usually those who cheat like to try to blame their spouse because it makes them feel better about themselves if they ca blame the spouse. Have there been other hints of an affair? It sounds like the two of you might need some counceling and that he is kind of a jerk, sorry to say.
• Philippines
18 Jan 11
I thinks the problem is that most husband don't like to hear their wives when problems arise in the family. I don't know why they are acting a bit strange when it comes to finances. Just do what you think is best for the family and speak to your husband if he's in the mood. Don't stress yourself thinking of the negatives. Just focus & learn that all problems in life is just a challenge for you & your husband to stay stronger. Don't give up easily. God is always good.