does your spouse need to be your best friend?

@gfeef01 (538)
January 26, 2011 11:17am CST
I'm struggling with this question. I married some months ago and so I'm sill getting used to being a wife. But i find it difficult when he talks about his 'best friend' and means a female who has known him for some years and not me. I'm not jealous of her time with him, or the regular conversations. But the way he always describes her using this label is less comfortable. They can end each others sentences and make me feel like i disappear, which i know is mostly a time thing, cause that's what friends who hang out a lot do. I know i'll always rate above her, i'm him wife, so why does this bother me? Advice / opinions welcome thanks in advance.
4 people like this
30 responses
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
26 Jan 11
Because you sense a closeness there that you don't feel you have with him yet. My husband is my best friend and I'm his best female friend, so no conflict here. As long as he spends more time with you than her, puts your needs above hers, I think I would not worry much. But if it started to go the other way around. . . . .
1 person likes this
@gfeef01 (538)
26 Jan 11
perfectly put. i'm not jealous of her time with him, but perhaps i am jealous of her knowledge of him. i want to be that close and a wedding doesn't mean you know someone overnight, she and him have been friends since long before i met him. Thank You for your words.
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22579)
• United States
26 Jan 11
He married you, not her, so he must love you and just like her. Thanks for best response. There were some other good ones here, too. Take care.
@mythociate (15963)
• Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
27 Jan 11
You're like a mustard-seed planted next to her long-standing pine; as long as she doesn't block the sun from you, you'll grow into an even-mightier tree! But it doesn't happen instantly
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
26 Jan 11
A spouse doesn't have to be your best friend. it is just a better feeling when they are. Your best friend is your confidante in life. shouldn't your spouse be playing that role too?
@gfeef01 (538)
28 Jan 11
with you in this one. he is my confidant, and i believe i am his. It's early days and i know that.
@murtaza45 (173)
• India
26 Jan 11
hello friends,i am my best friends to but not me can for my best frineds to help any time for any where to me.first to i am not jelous to my best friends can any matterieals for dream for some of theses for bike is my home.some dream for parents my best but i am not some dream for not my parents deserver for me.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
5 Feb 11
I think it's a bit tactless of both of them to be still referring to her as his best friend. That should be your place now is the way I feel. So saying, I think you ARE his best friend because he married you. The thing is, you are a new bride...there should be no other "best" anything. There should not be anything bothering you in this regard. How would your new hubby feel if the roles were reversed and you had a male best friend who had been around a long, long time? Talk to him, discuss your problem, he should be attentive and caring and reassuring and he should deal with the situation so you don't have to feel bad. I reckon that's fair...what do you think?
@gfeef01 (538)
6 Feb 11
sadly, i think, he would love it if i had a best friend like that. I don't have a lot of friends as i've moved to his country to be with him. he just doesn't see it in the way i do. she is his best friend, and one day with a white dress doesn't change that. I think he thinks the problem is more related to me not having enough friends, it's not. however, we keep working and hopefully we will see each others point more clearly over time.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24994)
• Australia
6 Feb 11
I think that is one of the saddest things I ever heard. His "best friend" needs to back right out of the picture now because she is taking your place. I see you are in England now, where are you from?
@Hatley (164464)
• Garden Grove, California
5 Feb 11
hi my spouse was always mybest friend and he loved it and bragged to his friends that he both loved me and liked me, and I was his best friend. i do not see why husbands and wives cannot be best friends. as for your 'husband if they make you feel like you disappear then its time to talk with your hubby because his first love should be to his wife not his best friend so maybe he has some mixed feelings there and he needs to remember which is which.some times men can be a little dense and do not realize what their friendships look like to their mates. so its time to say wait a minute why are you forgetting I am here. I am not just your very best friend I am also the woman you married and I do not want to be second best to that friend of yours. so remember I am your wife and your so called best friend should not come before me in your thinking at all. Understand.?
@gfeef01 (538)
6 Feb 11
Perfectly! he's partitally separated friendship and relationship though. it's a cultural thing here. he is very loyal, and i love that about him. His friends are old friends, and their many years means he can relate to them better than me. but our many years to come together will draw us closer i pray.
@ravinskye (8242)
• United States
26 Jan 11
I think your spouse should be one of your best friends. I'd be careful with this situation. Before I met my husband he really only had his brothers and his parents. It's 10 years later and I still feel like I come second to them. His mom acts like I took her boy away and she tries to cause trouble. I think it's partially because out of her 3 boys he is the only one that drops anything to help them out. But now that he has a wife and 3 kids of his own, he can't do that as much. She doesn't care for me anymore or our kids. As long as she sees him she's happy. Ok sorry, got off topic. As long as you always rate above her that is good. I won't say he shouldn't have a female friend since he's married, because I believe I should be able to have male friends even though I'm married. Just be sure that his friend doesn't have feelings for him.
@gfeef01 (538)
26 Jan 11
Thanks for sharing your story. as i've said i'm not worried about him and her becoming him and her, but i agree with you it can become a question of priorities. i'm glad he can have female friends and i think that's important. perhaps that's why i'm so confused by feeling excluded from the best friend label.
• Philippines
26 Jan 11
I have no idea but I just wanna tell you one thing: every girl I'm friends with, I either planned to end up with or sleep with. I know we're not the same, your husband and I but our nature is so keep yourself alert on this matter.
@gfeef01 (538)
26 Jan 11
Thankyou for your words. I think he sees her more as a kid sister in this respect. yes he gives her relationship advice from time to time, but i'm confident he'll be faithful. I think the physical attraction just isn't there! if i suspected i'd be quick to act though.
• Philippines
29 Jan 11
If my partner would have the same bestfriend and knowing that it's a woman, envy is defintiely gonna kill me. I cannot live with that. I'm the type of person who generally gets jealous if there is a woman friend even if they are not doing something wrong. But for you, I think you just be watchful with their actions that it might lead to something suspicious, especially if you and your husband has a fight. My patner has a girl bestfriend before we started living together, and now that we are together, I am his bestfriend and vice versa.
• India
28 Jan 11
i am sorry to say but these are the silly reasons for why the couples are getting devours,i suggest you just treat your husbands friend as your family friend then there will not question of struggling mentally. if really a family friend is close with your husband then you will never had that struggle right,so be positive.have a nice day
@margeryann (1853)
• United States
28 Jan 11
It would be hard for me even if I felt my husband was faithful. I don't get jealous very easy but I would probably get jealous of this . It would make me feel out of place when they are together. It would make me feel they are together when they are visiting so much even though I would know they weren't. I would also wonder if she gets the wrong idea. If she thinks that she has a chance. I don't know I would feel very uncomfortable.
• Philippines
28 Jan 11
Talk to your husband about how you feel. In this way he would be able to know what to do. Don't be jealous of her. Me got married with you, remember that. If he loves her more than you, then maybe he proposed marriage to her and to you. Just talk to him about it and try to hang out with his best friend, too.
28 Jan 11
well ive never been married and my ex never had a female dest friend so i dont know what your going through, sorry. i suppose to some extent i would feel the same as you as i would like to my partners best friend and vise versa but you have to trust him.
@aerous (13474)
• Philippines
27 Jan 11
If I have wife. I want her to be my best friend to strengthen the relationship what we have...This is a good idea to make the whole relationship going strong. Because instead of the wife looking for best friends outside...it be better coming inside that you as husband...
@Loen210 (1533)
• United States
27 Jan 11
Hi, First off, late congrats on your wedding. Here's my point of view, and I am a female. Your spouse is ONE of your best friends, and kind, but not the BEST FRIEND of an unromantic friend. I myself, grew up, with one of my dearest and best friends, a guy, are not romantic, but he was there with me through some of the hardest times. We both also poured out when we were teenagers, to each other, about the guy or girl we had fallen for, or needed advice. He is married now, and we still hang out (not as much, of course!), but when we hang out, it's just the two of us. He separates us from his wife, as we've always been, though if at a big party, then of course all together. You don't want to take away that friendship they have. And maybe talk to them both about your difficult, but adjusting, so they can explain to you their friendship, and how it is not more than that chemically.
• United States
27 Jan 11
If your husband loves you , he will show it . It really doesn't matter if his best friend is another person, you should be able to feel loved by him. If you don't , then that's the problem , not her. Sit him down and tell him how you feel. I assume he has known his best friend for many , many years. He does not even know how you feel . Tell him.
@raj7shot (842)
• India
27 Jan 11
Whatever is it before but after marriage one should love their partner only.He/She must learn to love her/him only.
@anamarp (93)
• Philippines
27 Jan 11
your spouse is your friend,best friend,close friend, txtmate,room mate, companion and more.. so you have to be comfortable with each other.
@SimpleBB (1332)
• Philippines
27 Jan 11
You can never say that you're not jealous, but it's normal. Actually, to marry a friend could be an advantage for you know each other well and you could not consider someone a bestfriend if you're not confident with each other. The most of it is that, you probably adjusted already to your flaws, they used to see each others weaknesses and strength. But the thing is..love to a friend is very much different to the love for someone who you want to commit your entire life. Probably, he missed his companionship for he is now having you as his wife. There are friends that most likely treated as family members, and like members, you can never just dump them even when you are married. I think the best way for you to find out are the things they commonly enjoyed with each other, and try to be more close to him. But not to the extent of changing yourself, just be always there for him and for sure, he would feel that in you, he found a wife and a bestfriend. Don't let jealousy prevail in your relationship.
@zenki08 (700)
• Philippines
27 Jan 11
My advise to you is don't try to compete with her and try not try so hard. Be yourself I'm sure he married you because he thinks your special. you have your own qualities try to be her friend not her rival because that will cause problems.
@Chriz24 (66)
• South Africa
27 Jan 11
Your situation seems a bit unusual but its good that you dont feel insecure. He ultimately married you and that must stand for something. Personally i would also feel a little jealous but maybe you could find some more common ground between you and your hubby and penultimately become his best friend. I am not married but have been dating my bf for almost two years, we also live together. We are definitely best friends and spend as much time possible together. We never even fight or argue. Some ppl say that couples that dont fight cant really love each other (or something to that effect). Wonder what My Lot users' take on that is? anyway good luck and im sure there is nothing to be worried about.