Marriage

United States
January 28, 2011 9:18am CST
I am just recently married and have some questions that have just been giving me alot of trouble. We got married December 2nd. Every since this day, it's like I do not know the man that I married. He has started going over to his friend's house (guy), but that's not the problem. The problem is he can't even tell me if he has plans of visiting his friend. He will become defensive and create tension between us just so I do not say anything to him before he goes. My mind is telling me that this is not right, but I really don't want this to be happening. I got a funny little feeling that he is not truly going where he say he is. Is it wrong for me to feel that the least he can do is communicate his plans? I am lost with all of the tension that has been in the air. Please Help
1 person likes this
18 responses
• United States
13 Mar 11
Hi mllyto2010, That is not a way to start out. You to need to work it out or it will not last. How long were you two together before you got married? There has to be trust. He needs to let you know where he is going in case something happens. My husband and I got everything out in the open before we got married. We both had lives before be got together. I have pictures of my ex's and he has pictures of his. On the 18 we will be married for 16 years so we are doing something right. You just have to think no one is perfect. I love to flirt and check guys out but that is as far as it goes. If you are worried about something you need to ask him because it will eat you up inside. I've been there done that and its not worth it. I hope everything goes good for you and good luck.
1 person likes this
@andy77e (5170)
• United States
13 Mar 11
It sounds to me like he needs to grow up a little, and realize he's not single anymore. You can't do whatever you want, like you can when you are single... because... you're not single. How long was your engagement? Did you get pre-marriage counseling? In any case, you feeling like he's not telling you where he's going, is a problem, regardless of if he's going where he says or not. That tension in the air is going to break your new marriage if not dealt with. I'd suggest counseling. Start with the pastor of your church, and move up from there if needed.
@koikei (207)
• Philippines
29 Jan 11
greetings! how was your setup before you two got married? did he normally tell you where his whereabouts when he's out? if not, then probably he just got used to that kind of setup. but despite this, you have all the right as the wife to ask where he's going. you might need to sit down together and discuss this to avoid further conflicts.
@agrim94 (3812)
• India
29 Jan 11
Hi mllyto2010, Congratulations on your marriage and though i m not yet married but what i have heard is that it is starting of the marriage which is very difficult as mn are not ready to adjust their life style to that of married guy.. what i feel is he should communicate the plans so you donot get tense when he would come or where is he. your marriage is just one month and a half old so give it time and it would change for good.
@SimpleBB (1332)
• Philippines
29 Jan 11
You did not mention in your message how long have you been steady before got married. You just said that since you got to exchange vows with him last December, seems you did not know this guy anymore. As newly wed, it is unusual. Such situation is usually manifests in let say..having been in marriage for some years, though as I know it will really take years of adjustments for couples. Nothing is wrong in expecting him to communicate with you his plans, that's normal for you to ask and even not asking, just to let you know his whereabouts for you are his betterhalf now. I think before it will go somewhere else, think if you should open this with him for your peace of mind and find ways how to remedy the issue. Good luck and happy mylotting.
@slayer23 (35)
• Philippines
29 Jan 11
ahahahahaha. ahem, that's a real big problem. Communication is a must in a relationship. Yeah, it seems that he's not getting it. Well, ahem divorce or annulment is both costly. Well, You can do nothing but talk to him how you feel. it is really difficult to communicate, though, especially if the guy doesn't want to talk about it. Anyway, just try to talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you feel that there is a problem. Just be honest. Just tell him everything and from there try to work out your relationship.
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
29 Jan 11
For me talked to him that you are not feel good when he do that in you and why he feel that way if he is good in each in everyone that's the sine not good attitude.
29 Jan 11
These type of problems suffered by married people. It will take sometime to adjust between the two people involved in marriage.Some will adjust in a very short time but some will take more than two months.It depends upon the attitude of people involved in the marriage.
• India
29 Jan 11
I am married too. I understand you are new to your husband and you are new to him. You just need to give some time to this relationship and it will work. Marriages are made in heaven. I think you need to communicate with you hubby the proper way. Lots of problem create between husband and wife because of lake of communication. so just let him know what you want from him. and let yourself listen what he wants from you. That is only solution of your problem i think.
29 Jan 11
The first year of marriage life is always the tougher, especially in Indian marriages where guy doesn't know the girl till the marriage. Be patient, Your husband might not be informing you about his plans. When you show your love and affection towards him, believe me he will never go any where with out informing you. I think he still has a feeling that he is a bachelor. This happens for few days after marriage. Until you both become good friends, share your thoughts etc.. So be patient and give love to him as much as you can. Trust me he will never miss you.
@lacieice (2065)
• United States
28 Jan 11
You and he need to talk, but there are some guidelines that might help. Don't accuse, and don't tell him he is doing something wrong. He needs to know how you feel. You might try something like "I feel insecure when you don't share your thoughts with me." My point is, he needs to know how his actions affect you and how you feel about it. You both need to learn that a very big part of marriage is communication.
@didi13 (2927)
• Romania
28 Jan 11
Mllyto...that's not alive .. How old is your husband? I suspect that before walking with friends. Try to wear a chat with him for that if you let it not solve anything, maybe you married to your insistence.If you do not take action I think you will agree as he proceeds, and you will not get better. Maybe in his mind should be glad you took the wife and that.. do not leave things the way for that will suffer will be the only one ....All the best!
@nj_1022 (251)
28 Jan 11
Communication, Chemistry and Compatibility plus add TRUST with one another are the characteristics people who wants to get married should have. Communication- both of you should be open with both your likes and dislikes, this way you can adjust to each other needs and wants. Chemistry - its like sensitivity to the other partner. Compatibility - one important thing married couple should have. Trust -is very important in every relationship.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
28 Jan 11
Hi Mllyto, Welcome to Mylot! I have to ask you, how long were you two seeing each other before you got married? Did he spend time with his friends prior to marrying you? I am guessing that you didn't live together before getting married?? It's really not wrong for him to want to visit a friend or hang out with the guys. It is also not wrong for you to want to know where is and how long he'll be gone for. It's only common courtesy. I wouldn't assume that he is lying to you about his whereabouts or anything like that. It sounds like the two of you need to sit and talk. It sounds like it should be an easy problem to fix. All he has to do is tell you that he is going to his friends for a while...right? Does he just walk out and not say anything?
@edb225112 (125)
• United States
28 Jan 11
It sounds like he is afraid of something. He creates a reason to escape because he doesn't want to deal with his fears. Dating and a relationship is not the committment of marriage. Once he was married, the emormity or the committment and responsibility has hit him. He no longer can be a single man but part of a couple, responsible for so many things, some of which he doesn't even knows, that he runs away. And he creates the tension to give him a justification to go to his friends house or anywhere else he doesn't feel he has to be the married man. He needs to find what is creating the fear. You can't help him until he wants to come to grips with this fear. Look to what might be causing stress in his life. What changed beside the marriage? Does he see himself as failing in some way? Have you been critical of his behavior? Once you begin living together, each person puts unspoken demands on the other. Each morning there is the other person evaluating your behavior and if you are insecure about something, you can begin to believe the other person finds you lacking. I would suggest getting a counselor to start making some sense of this.
@silvercoin (2102)
• Lithuania
28 Jan 11
I don't know if my guess is right, but I think that he needs a bit of space, I mean some "men time".It doesn't mean he stopped loving you.I know that you feel this need to know where your man goes, but if he doesn't want to tell you this, you have to wait.What was his habits when he was still single?Did he enjoy hanging out with friends, chasing gals,gambling or something?If the answer is no, then you don't have to worry.Usually, men(and women) become what they really are after marriage.When people are dating, they always pretend to be better than they are.Later they start being themselves.
@kamarlow (65)
• United States
28 Jan 11
FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST....If you can make through year 1, year 5, year 7, year 10, and then year 20...you should be golden (except that last one seems to be harder now I guess with society changes and what not). Your husband probably feels a sense of "I see you all the time, what more do you want" and maybe communicating is the best key point hear. Do not ASSUME or jump right into asking him "ARE YOU LYING TO ME". If you do he will become defensive and more distant than what is taking place now. Trust me, this is a normal occurrence. Now, if there have been problems of "discrepancies" in the past then I would bring it up with the sense of your feeling is uneasy. If there have not then ask him simply why he cannot just tell you and that you (even if you do slightly) do not have a problem with him hanging at his friends, but you just want to know so you can make plans for yourself. Does this help?
• United States
28 Jan 11
I don't think it's wrong that you at least want to know where he's gonna be. Seems like he might not be doing what he's telling you he's doing.