Can you ever be friends?

@dorannmwin (36698)
United States
February 2, 2011 5:17pm CST
This question is related to the fact that I've recently come back into contact with a friend of mine from when I was in college. Her little brother was also my first love (11 years ago). That said, I was talking to Angie on the phone the other day and she put me on hold because her brother was beeping in. Next thing I know, she has her brother on conference call with me and her. It was ackward to say the least because I really don't know if he can be a part of my life now. My husband doesn't have any problem with us (he, Angie, Donnie and myself) all being friends. However, to me it is kind of an uncomfortable position because I don't want to hurt anyone. My question would be, after you've had a relationship with someone, is it possible to be friends with them? If it is possible to be friends with this person, how long do you think has to pass after the relationship is over?
3 people like this
19 responses
• United States
2 Feb 11
Possible? Yes, definitely but only after several years at least. But is it a good idea? Probably not. Christmas card contact and such would be fine but regular contact is not advisable. That means little or no social media contact and definitely no face to face at all, unless your husband becomes friends with him too, and your marriage is doing well. Otherwise, you could be putting yourselves into a bad situation.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
Well, my husband is up for meeting him if his sister happens to invite him over when we get together. I don't know that Tom and Donnie can be friends, but I might be surprised because even though there is a lot of age difference between the two of them, I keep seeing a lot of things that they have in common with each other.
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Feb 11
That's pretty interesting that they have some things in common. I guess that means that you have certain things you like in guys?
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
You know, I never really thought about it that way. But, I suppose you are right. I have a type.
@savypat (20246)
• United States
3 Feb 11
I have often wondered about this. The situation has never come up in my life, but especially a sexually active type of old relationship would be a challenge. I know that men have less problem with this then women, their emotions work differently. Blessings
@savypat (20246)
• United States
8 Feb 11
As long as you never try to hide anything from your Hubby, there should be no problem here. Touble begins with secrets. Blessings
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Feb 11
We've been together for nine years and during that time I've shared everything with him. He is not only my husband, but he is also my best friend.
@bounce58 (17526)
• Canada
8 Feb 11
I thought I could. A few years ago, I came into contact with some college friends. One connection led to another until we had the whole college gang communicating with each other. With this 'gang' was an old girlfriend. Soon I found myself communicating exclusively with this old girlfriend, and reminiscing old memories. And of course it led to the not-so-good memories. It became so awkward that I had to break off the communication. So my answer is NOT. Maybe in a few more years when I'm old-er and gray-er.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
10 Feb 11
My thought on my personal situation is that when and if we do end up spending time together, my husband is going to be there too and for that reason I think it will be easier to deal with. Besides that, I don't have romantic feelings toward him anymore. The feelings that I do have are the feelings of compassion and of caring that I would have for any of my other friends.
@sriroshan (2586)
• India
4 Feb 11
Why not? You two can just the friend and remember not to give the chance to cross your friendship limits since your husband you said had no objection in your friendship with your old BF Be faithful to your hubby
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
There is nothing in this world that could convince me to not be faithful to my husband. I just don't want to ever do anything emotionally that could possible hurt him.
• United States
3 Feb 11
Do I think it's possible? Yes. Length of time would depend on thoughts and feelings, of course. Right now, my thoughts where you are concerned ... you're already showing signs of reservations yourself, so I'm wondering if maybe this is not a good situation for you to be involved in. Use caution and honesty (with yourself, first and foremost), whatever your decision.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
The main reservations that I had were because I don't want to ever do anything that is going to hurt my husband. However, we've talked in depth about it and he did have the opportunity to meet Angie (the sister) over the weekend and they hit it off pretty good so that makes me feel a whole lot better about the situation.
@dawnald (84148)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Feb 11
I have known people who have been able to pull it off. I think if the breakup is mutual, it is a whole lot easier to pull off a friendship than if it's not.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
The more thought that I've put into this, the more possible that I think it is going to be. Of course I did start out with my trepidations about the situation because I don't want to ever do anything that will hurt Tom. However, after talking about it, he says that he is okay with the situation and that puts my mind more at ease.
• Philippines
3 Feb 11
I'm friends with my exes. It's possible. Maybe you two need some closure on some areas before you can be friends. Talk it up and you guys could have the best friendship there is.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
After this many years, I really don't think that there is any closure that we need at this point in time. At first it seemed like a very awkward proposition to me, but now that I've had time to think it over, it doesn't seem awkward at all.
• United States
3 Feb 11
Hi Dora,I can honestly say one of my exes is my very good friend. we talk about everything under the sun. we spend time together and he is always going to be a very dear part of my life. we broke up on bad terms and we were angry for a while but,after I got over him it all went away. I don't think I would be this close to him if I were married though..
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
That is the reason that so much time has passed where he wasn't a part of my life. Though our parting was mutual to a certain extent, I was still hurt because of it. However, my wounds are healed now and I would like to be able to consider him a friend.
@SimpleBB (1332)
• Philippines
3 Feb 11
It depends on how you accept and see things. Past is past and besides even your husband had not problem with the issue, meaning he is confident that being married to you, with his trust in you, nothingto worry on his part. So you should be the one to completely trust yourself. Even you had a past relationhsip to a guy, but after choosing whom to spend your life meaning you gave up everything for that person, because your feeling for him prevails over with any one else. Maybe you feel awkward but why your husband can do that? Because he trust you, let him feel that there's nothing really to worry or to make him feel insecure or whatever you may call it. Just put in heart that he's been a friend to you and so you are.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
I think that you might be right. Perhaps the thing that is making me feel awkward about the entire situation is the fact that I didn't think that I would end up talking to him and because of that I wasn't mentally prepared for that.
• Philippines
3 Feb 11
I say definitely yes! My first boyfriend and I have been broken up for 9 years already and yet, because friendship prevailed, we're as close as ever. Even closer I guess. We love each other like brothers and sisters now, and it's not awkward at all. It's normal to feel that way if you've broken up just a month or a year ago. But I think even a year is long enough unless you're still holding some feelings in your heart. Let go of those feelings. Especially now that you're already married. 11 years is a long time. Too long if you ask me. I do hope you can patch things up and move on with your friendship.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
In our situation, our friendship grew from the relationship that we had. However, the friendship and how much of our lives that we shared with each other would be as much (if not more) than you would share with a spouse. I know that he is in a place in his life right now that he needs friends. And, I know that I will be there for him if he wants me to be.
@mimpi1911 (25454)
• India
3 Feb 11
Hi dora, This is a awkward situation. Given the kind of person I am, I do not think I would be able to have a normal relationship with someone whom I had once loved. However, that's me. I know someone who has had no problem getting along with her ex and ex's wife. It would be easier for me had it been someone who loved me but I didn't share the same kind of feeling. Hope you understand.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
I understand completely what you are saying. That is also a place where I feel like each person is different. Yes, there was a time in my life that I loved him and thought that my world had to be intertwined with his. However, I've been with my husband for a long time now and I couldn't imagine going back in my life and settling as I would see it as being now.
@chavezrmc (5447)
• Philippines
3 Feb 11
Of course you can be friends, unless otherwise that there's still something inside you that holds not to be friends with him. You can examine yourself for this. If its over for years then most probably there's no reason at all. It's only you who can tell when your feelings will be over on him and everything will be fine on making friends with him.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
8 Feb 11
I will admit that I do still have feelings for him. However, the feelings that I am talking about are not romantic feelings at all. Instead, the feelings that I'm talking about are the feelings that someone has for a person that they are close to. I always hope that he is doing well and that life is treating him the way that it should (even though right now I know this is not the case).
• Philippines
3 Feb 11
I've got so many friends that after they had their relationship, they became friends. I even is an example of that. What I mean, if still have some feelings for him then it maybe awkward, but if you don't then it is alright. Things changes right, maybe it is time to set aside the past because what's important is the present. As you say too, you husband is alright with your friendship with them, so basically there's nothing wrong about it.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
You are absolutely right. I think the reason that it seems a little bit weird to me is because of the fact that I've never known anyone else that has done this. But then, in most situations when the people that I've known have broken up with someone it is never on terms that are amicable looking back on things.
@ANIME123 (2473)
• United States
3 Feb 11
Yes it is possible because you know some people that are friends and they get into a relationship, but then they break up they can definately be friends as long as you two aren't awkward the relationship may be over, but the friendship is never really over and that's what I love. Friends are there for you like forever I love having my friends close by. Your first love wow how wonderful it's so cute when people say there first love if only are first love were are only love it doesn't happen for everybody like that, but for the ones that do it just sounds so wonderful because it was there first. Anyway friendship is very important and I am sure that you will all get along just fine theres nothing to worry about it as long as you don't act awkward or quiet around him because if you do that he will start to feel very uncomfortable. So just be yourself and I am sure you will all become friends again I don't like it when friends aren't friends anymore it really is a sad thing.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
For the two of us it was more like relationship happened first but during the time that we were in a relationship, a deep friendship developed. I don't think that it will be all that ackward except for the different experiences that we've had in our lives. You see, I am happily married with two wonderful children. He is divorced with only one child now (he lost two in a house fire in December). I can't begin to imagine the pain of divorce or of losing a child. But I also know that having been through what he has been through he needs friends more than anything right now.
@wongchoiyee (7351)
• Malaysia
3 Feb 11
Yes of course you can be friends with him but you are feeling uncomfortable, right? I think there is a gap between you and your friend now after you are married. However, don't think that he is also your lover because it hurts everyone escpecially your husband. Keep in touch, though.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
I definitely won't think of him as my lover because that is not what he is any more. That was a long time ago and I've lived a lot of my life since that was the case. However, despite the fact that I've not seen him in a long time, I've always thought of him as a friend because of the experiences and good times that we shared when we were both younger.
• United States
3 Feb 11
In my opinion it is sort on the maturity level. See as we are younger we perhaps cannot be-friend again, after a break up. But as we get older and enough time elapses I think we can actually be amicable. Not sure if good/best friends but amicable yes, as we do realize that was once is no longer again. So my thinking is that re-kindling the good friendship of the past would be difficult but almost like saying new friends again. Of course if the break up was mutual and no lone hurt either in end. Best of luck as if you and your hubby and the other couple have no problem with it then why not as this is our only chance in life so way not live it peacefully.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
I think that you are right. I know that speaking for myself, I am of a maturity level that I can do it. I also know that my husband is okay with it as well as he was the one that encouraged me to call back Angie after she left me a message the other day. That said, I don't know where Donnie is in terms of maturity because the last time that I saw or spoke to him (excepting the conference call the other day) was nine years ago. He was starting to grow up then so I suspect that he is of the maturity that it can happen, but until I actually see him in person I won't know for sure.
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
3 Feb 11
I think that you can be friends with someone after a relationship, but it all depends on the two people. If there is still any type of feelings there between the two people, or either of them are hoping for something to be rekindled, then I think there is a problem. The length of time it takes really just depends on the people and the situation. I think that it would be great if you were able to be friends, if that is waht you wanted.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
At least for me I know that there is nothing that I would like to have rekindled. He was a chapter in my life, but it was something that I've moved on from and thrived as a result of. I've got the best husband that a woman could ask for and I definitely don't ever want to do anything that will jeopardize our relationship. However, there is a part of me that will always care for Donnie and I know that right now he is in a place in his life where he can use all of the friends he can get (two of his children were killed in a fire about two months ago).
@bunnybon7 (36482)
• Holiday, Florida
3 Feb 11
i think a lot depends on the people involved. you havent said why he doesnt have someone to hang out with you all? Was he the one or you broke it off? did he stalk, etc. sometimes its fine. ive actually spent time around one of my ex husbands and his wife with my husband way back when and we got along great. he even took my and present husbands baby and rocked him to sleep like just like he did our kids. he always had a way with babies like that. so, like i said, it depends.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
He definitely wasn't a crazy ex. The reason that our relationship ended really boils down to the fact that we were in different places in our lives at that time. I was in college and he was still in high school. I also came from a family that would have been considered wealthy when compared to his family (our family wasn't rich but his family was pretty poor). We did talk once about nine years ago, which was just before I met my husband and we got along great and since Tom isn't against it, I really think it will be okay.
@lutphie (143)
• Indonesia
2 Feb 11
Keep being friends. You can be a family too. Of course don't ever think to love your first love, it can hurts your husband. Give a soft explanation to your husband who is angie and her brother honestly, and give a soft explanation so to angie and donnie about your position and the perimeter. Ask your husband what to do, i think your husband will understand and can accept them. Then you can keep being friends or build a relationship as a family.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
5 Feb 11
Tom did have the opportunity to meet Angie briefly when our little girl was a baby. I happened to run into her when I was donating plasma to get a little bit of extra money and at that time she was working here in town. We went together one day to visit her while she was at work. He has, on the other hand, never met Donnie but he has heard a lot about him. I know that I don't love Donnie the way that I did when I was younger, but like I've already told my husband, there will always be a certain part of my heart that will always care deeply about him.