Estrangement between Dad and Daughter

United States
February 13, 2011 7:38am CST
Good morning mylot! I have an issue I'd like to bring up here, mostly because I am looking for others insights and thoughts on the matter. To begin, I had found my real dad online a few years ago. We started chatting through aol chat, but when I started pushing in asking questions, I became accusatory, influenced by the things my mom tells me about him. Now I wish I would have listened more to my heart, for my Dad doesn't respond to any of my emails. But at least he leaves his email open for me to communicate with him. Since then, We just don't talk. I was pretty mean and immature, in my accusations a long time ago, but since then, I have tried and tried to apologize. I know I hurt him, and I feel bad for it, but that was over almost 3 years ago, when I didn't know my dad's living situation either. His wife does not want me around, and to tell the truth, I don't think my dad does either. I don't know what to do, except keep trying to communicate with him through his email address. I just want my dad, even at 37. Is that too much to ask? To get to the grit of the problem, hopefully a past one, Mom says Dad did know about me, whereas Dad claims he did not. That's where the trouble began, and that's when I started asking questions. I became mad cause I thought he did know, and I sent him a really nasty email about how I truely felt about the situation (me). I don't know who to believe, and I don't even care about that anymore, I just want to know him, you know? Yet my Dad has responded a few times in emails, thanks to the insistence of a caring uncle on my father's side. He says he truely did not know about me, and that I made him cry when I sent those nastly emails. I wish I could take it back now, and I regret acting so rashly. Any advice to how to mend the email relationship between my biological dad and I?
8 responses
@bunnybon7 (37645)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Feb 11
send him this discussion and that should explain it all. you've told us how it all happened. so maybe he can see how you feel and how people respond to this. it might help him understand because it has made us see how you feel.
• United States
13 Feb 11
Hi bunnybon7, I just sent this to him, but I don't know how he will take my putting something so personal on the web for everyone to comment about, that in itself worries me, but I like to go to mylot to voice things, cause it helps me to think about them. and to think about what my next move should or shouldn't be. I don't know anymore, expect I want my Father.
@bunnybon7 (37645)
• Holiday, Florida
13 Feb 11
well, you can tell him no one on here likely knows him personally so, no need to worry. hope i didnt stir you wrong. now im worried
• United States
13 Feb 11
You didn't steer me wrong, bunnybon7, for I already sent it. now I have to see what happens. I trusted your advice when I sent it, and I still do!
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
13 Feb 11
I'm so sorry you are in this sad situation. I can sympathise with you as I'm always putting my foot in it, even with typed words and I guess that's what has happened with your emails. Others may have mentioned this already but do you know his telephone number? Or, have you ever asked for it via email? I think that's the only way this can be resolved. I always think it's best for voices to be heard in such instances as written words mean nothing..not really, no matter how well intentioned they may be. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
• United States
13 Feb 11
Thank you Janey1966!
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
13 Feb 11
You're welcome!
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
15 Feb 11
From your position, the only thing that you can really do is to keep trying. There is no way that you can force him to communicate with you if that is something that he isn't comfortable with. There will probably come a time when he will feel comfortable to talk to you, but for right now, I think that the best thing that you can do is drop a note to him from time to time. If you show that you genuinely care, then there is more of a chance that he will decide that he does want to be a part of your life.
• United States
15 Feb 11
Good Morning dorannmwin! I do drop him notes form time to time, just to let him know I am thinking of him, and hopefully someday he will respond! I just hope he doesn't wait too long, for he is getting up there in age, you know? It just seems like a shame because already, so much time has been lost. I'm not getting any younger, and neither is he, but you are right, I cannot force the matter. I can only hope, and keep trying! Thank you dorannmwin, for your thoughts and insights on the matter!!
@katie0 (5212)
• Japan
14 Feb 11
Wow...that's tough. Time would be the answer but if you stopped chatting, I don't know. Know your value and the important is to you to love your self, if cannot see that...it's his problem. You are incredible the way you are and sometimes parents don't see what we are.
• United States
14 Feb 11
Thank you katie0! You have a lot of good insights! Time is the asnwer, and I am hoping that with time, I can help him mend his broken heart towards me. I do know my value, for the most part, but I feel that is always relative to the situation, you know? Thank you for the compliment though, in saying I am incredible the way I am! That made my day! Happy Valentine's Day to you!!
@tiffnkeat (1679)
• Singapore
14 Feb 11
Since your uncle already convinced him about you, despite all the hurt you caused him, he will still forgive you if you ask him sincerely. Ask your uncle to fix a time to meet him in person, say even if it is for one look. Then use the opportunity to reconcile. Nothing should keep a family apart. Really. Parents should always forgive their children. Just remember to treasure the opportunity if it presents, and hold you temper and nasty words.
• United States
14 Feb 11
Thank you tiffnkeat! I have been trying to ask for his foregiveness sincerely, but I just get caught up in the detail, because half the time I don't know what I am supposed to say to mend his heart. I would love to meet my dad, even if only once, if he should ever come up here to Illinois.
@awashi02 (32)
14 Feb 11
wow. I suggest talking to that uncle. Have him clear the air for you and tae time to know him. Somethings you have to let go so you cn find out for yourself. Parents who have been hurt by one another sometimes vent through the kids and that makes building a relationship difficult. We may not all be a good husband or a wife however you owe him a chance to be a father and if he blows it thats on him you forgive him and you live your life with no regrets. You would have proven that you tried and have grown.
• United States
14 Feb 11
I have already talked to the Uncle, and he did clear the air for me, god bless him! I feel I have let go in the last 3 years since I have found my dad, and I hope he knows how much I love him through the emails I sent him yesterday. Thank you for your insights awashi02! I have grown a lot since then, but how can I inspire him to see this? I suppose to keep emailing him?
@bird123 (10525)
• United States
13 Feb 11
Go knock on his door when you know he is home. Tell him his daughter needs his help. Get some close eye to eye and one on one time. Tell him what you are telling us.Communication is key in all relationships. Give him unconditional love. Unconditional love is the hardest thing to walk away from. Put aside all the ifs, ands,and buts. Go for the results. You now know how to get there. Nothing else really matters.
• United States
13 Feb 11
Thank you bird123, I would love to knock on his door, but unfortunately, my dad lives states away from me. He even specifically said to not come around, so that breaks my heart. The situation is complicated, but it doesn't have to be this way. I feel it is as simple as you said, in regards to unconditional love. If I had the money, I would surprise him in a good way by knocking on his door though. Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. Sorry if I sound depressed, but I am starting to realize that he may not want me around. I am just not ready to make that step, and I don't think he is either, but I could be wrong, cause I don't really know the man. I want results, I just don't know how to get there exactly.
• United States
13 Feb 11
Not knowing the whole story it's hard to say. But it sounds like your mom was expecting you and your father did not know of your conception? It's hard to say on what you should do other than... like you said apologize that you were not looking at both sides of the picture as you were raised only seeing one side of the picture & being that was not his view. If he no longer wishes to communicate you may have to accept that. I know it's not what you want but right now the ball is in his court and he may or may not decide to keep in contact.
• United States
13 Feb 11
That's a valid point, 3SnuggleBunnies! The ball is most definitely in his court, but I do try. It just makes me sad to know I have gone so long without my bio-dad, and then to find him, only to lose him again. I have gotten use to the idea of not having contact, if only through my emails to him. That is fine for now. Thank you for your advice!