What do I do?
By MHerman09
@MHerman09 (75)
United States
February 18, 2011 7:18pm CST
My step-daughter is SO difficult sometimes. She will refuse to eat and will throw temper tantrumes when I make her eat. Also she will NOT do it homework. Ex: tonight we were doing spelling words and I had her write out the words for me so I could see what she knew without looking at the words. Then after she did it the first time I showed her what was wrong and had her do it again. She gets the easiest ones wrong like doesn't. she has had doesn't as a spelling word before so she knows how to spell it but she spells it wrong every time now. She started crying and got upset so i sent her to her room. Now I am making her write each of the words 10x. I used to have to do that in school so I figured it would be a good idea. Well she starts crying and saying, "I am so stupid" "I am the dumbest person alive" thinking I am going to feel bad for her and not make her do the work. Now it hurts to hear her say that but what do I do? Cuddle her and make her happy? or do i make her do the work and when she is done I cuddle her?
5 people like this
14 responses
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
20 Mar 11
Hi. MHerman09. Welcome to myLot!
I think that in your situation, you should just stay calm and help her to master her spelling words. You can also try practicing with her too. Give her some paper and write down the spelling words on the paper and have her copy them down from time to time. This will help her to remember how to spell her spelling words. Show her that you want to help her too. I know that you are going to get frustrated with her as time goes by, but all of that will change sooner or later. Just continue to work with her and don't let her attitude discourage you. The best of blessings to the both of you.
I think that in your situation, you should just stay calm and help her to master her spelling words. You can also try practicing with her too. Give her some paper and write down the spelling words on the paper and have her copy them down from time to time. This will help her to remember how to spell her spelling words. Show her that you want to help her too. I know that you are going to get frustrated with her as time goes by, but all of that will change sooner or later. Just continue to work with her and don't let her attitude discourage you. The best of blessings to the both of you.
@Sweetheart18 (3)
• United States
21 Feb 11
If it were me, I'd find a way to make it fun. Sometimes, that's how certain kids need to learn. Maybe you could find a way to teach her how to spell and make it fun for her.
@ganeshprabhuk (1722)
• India
19 Feb 11
Its difficult to handle kids even if it is own or step daughter. Its too difficult to handle at times. Be nice to her, and she would realise when she grows up.
@srganesh (6340)
• India
19 Feb 11
Be a strict mom and cuddle her only after she does her home works. Otherwise she will threaten you again like this calling you this and that. Don't give room for that and that may spoil her future at all. If possible, persuade her infront of your husband and you may get his support too and cornered from both sides, she may do her works without further troubles.
@dreamnishu (1247)
• China
19 Feb 11
hello friend!
i think you should do friendship with her.and make her free with you.if you treat her as a friend she will understand.it is very hard to make this type of relation easy.i have to be strong and make with her so friendly.i think one day your all problem will solved.best of luck.
thanks a lot
@jojo732 (294)
•
19 Feb 11
Hi
Tell her she is not stupid,build up her confidence,talk to her teacher, ask her teacher what would be the best way to help your step daughter with her homework,you are sending her to her room so she feels she is being punished for not understanding her homework,this of course makes her feel that she is stupid, and dumb...which she isn't,I think you need to get help from her teachers,and please do not punish her for not understanding,we all learn differently,Try to make homework a more fun time,give some kind of rewards,maybe a trip out once a month,give her positive feed back, give her lots of praise for the work she gets right..But please ask her teachers for the best way you can help your stepdaughter with her homework.
Have a great weekend.
jojo732
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
19 Feb 11
Hello MHerman and welcome to myLot. I take it that you want your step daughter to eat when you do am I right? First of all I wouldn't make your step-daughter eat. But at the same time I wouldn't let her come back later in the evening and get something to eat. She eats when you do or not at all. It won't hurt her to go with out a meals for a couple of evening. Keep telling her how smart she is. Point out things that she does that are smart. Don't tell her she's not stupid because what she will hear is only that part of the sentence and that will be the part that says she stupid. Try different ways for her to practice her spelling. Kids have different learning style. Have her say the words out loud to you as she writes them. By the way where is her father. He should be helping her with her home work and dealing with the meal problem.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
19 Feb 11
Looks like she needs a little attention and appreciation. You haven't mentioned how old she is. Sometimes, kids get tired and they need a break before they are ready to work again. And what works for one doesn't work for another.
When she says she is stupid or dumb is the time to reassure her that she isn't and sometimes people (even older people) need to work hard at something to get it right. Talk to her and work around what works. An incentive chart works with some kids....I keep the reward for a month later (instead of immediately) so that the child works towards it on a daily basis.
And yes, lots of cuddling and love. It doesn't hurt to comfort her when she's upset as well as when she's done her work :)
All the best!
@aprilten (1966)
• Philippines
19 Feb 11
I think what she's doing is trying to show you that she has more power over you than you have over her. So, she's being bad and trying to see how much you can take of her tantrums and her branding you as negative as those words that came out of her mouth.
My suggestion is for you to stop, for a while that is, tutoring her. If you can hire a tutor then do so. So just play with her or try to bond with her by doing with her the things that she likes doing. It would have been better if you mentioned her age. But, just the same I think it's best if someone else can do the tutoring instead of you. Just have fun with her and if you think that your relationship with her improved then try and tutor her again.
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
19 Feb 11
hello MHer,
Maybe the kid needs attention,that is why she's acting like that.
Why not try to appreciate her,make her feel she's not stupid and dumb.
Don't be too tough like a teacher,i mean,why not try to say "oh..sweetheart,it's not the right spelling,you got some of the letters,but you spelled it wrong" something like that.
She needs a little bit of encouragement and make her feel she's very very important,esp that she is your step-daughter,she might don't know how to act/say towards you.
So,you need to make her feel comfortable...at your very best.
I know it's not easy,as i am also a mother and i also have hard time training and disciplining my own kids (so you need more extra patience becoz she's a step-daughter)
I know you can make it,just give a little more time dear.
Have a great weekend
@dreamsharmin (2281)
• China
19 Feb 11
The things that you should do is friendship. Because every time you can't cuddle and as you said she will do this again so my suggestion make friendship with her and be free with her. Then ask her what's wrong with her. When you will be her friend then she will tell you the fact and will not cry again and again.
Good luck!
@hardworkinggurl (37063)
• United States
19 Feb 11
I would suggest that you make her do the work and then after when she is done you explain to her why she was punished in such a way and after she replies with understanding then you cuddle her.
Children are so impressionable and know exactly what buttons to push when it comes to getting their way. What worked for me was consistency. When I said no, it did not mean maybe, or later. It was a no, no matter how much it hurt me also.
So while timing out and or punishing it has to be consistent. Best of luck with your family.
@loveneverfails (97)
• Philippines
19 Feb 11
Just show her that you're doing that because you love her. I have my step sisters and brothers who are the same as your step daughter. Sometimes, i tend to be strict with them just to make their life well, but I guess we must keep in mind that their are still young. Observe her behavior, her hobbies and find out what shes good at even if its outside academics, then boost her confidence by praising how good she is in that area and from there, slowly open her eyes to other responsibilities she should be ready with like studying more:)
@lakshmi11 (278)
• United States
19 Feb 11
I agree with everyone else. You need to go easy on her and make her your friend.
Then she will learn from you, because she values your friendship and your help.
Here is a little thing I did with my children when they went to school.-
They took a lunch box with them and when I packed their lunches, I used to put a little piece of paper in the lunch box. Using some of the words they had a problem with. I wrote a nice or funny message to them.- The surprise helped them remember the words and without them even knowing. They never forgot the messages in the lunch box either and told me years later how they loved those messages, feeling all special.
Hope this will help a little.
