is this a healthy relationship ?

China
February 24, 2011 7:45am CST
before i write this issue, i want tks all of my friends here who share they opinion with me and those advise they gived me . thank u guys ! i have a grilfriend and we've spend about 1 year together, we love each other very much. she treat me very well, and i treat her as a part of my life as well, and we planing to get marry after we graduate. even though, we still got some unhappy time about one thing , she likes to monitoring my mobilephone and login in my msn to check if i have some "special female friend". at first, i could understand this action cause she have told me that her father was not loyal to her mum when she was a young girl, so she is so afraid of this tragedy happens to her too. but she is so sensitive that she would suspect me when i chat with other female frequently. i know what i'm doing,i know am just doing my normal social contact . but she just don't understand no matter how i explained . sometimes i gotta confess that her react made me very nervous. i'm wondering why this kind of normal things could be so unnormal. i don't know how to handle this now. so my dear friends , could u give some good advise now ? please ... i'm really upset to this now ...
1 person likes this
16 responses
@QeeGood (1214)
• Sweden
24 Feb 11
Your girlfriend has a controlling behaviour! Because your girlfriend has to check your MSN, monitoring your mobilephone to for her own security make sure that you are not having any love affair with someone else. It is not a healthy relationship! I have been in a relationship, where my boyfriend checked me up on everything I had done, where I had been, with whom I had talked to. When I was on travel he called to ask where I was, he wrote down the time, he demanded to know where I was going, when I expected to call him etc...... as long as I had honest proof that I was living in fidelity with him he felt secure in his own being. His controlling behaviour developed into unbearable conditions. I felt like a hunted prey. That is not a healthy relationship.
• China
25 Feb 11
hello, QeeGood! i could totally understand ur feeling . cause i'm undergoing the same experiense as u did. but i think since i love her for real , i should help her out of this . cause i think she is also feel very bad about this. yeah , i'll try to fix her ! tks a lot ! my dear friend ! best wishes to u !
@QeeGood (1214)
• Sweden
25 Feb 11
You can not change another person unless they got the insight in oneself. I lived with that man for 14 years and 9 months, who was controlling me before I separated with him. I do hope your girlfriend are willing to change her controlling behaviour.
@larrychen (165)
24 Feb 11
You know what, it's not easy to get a relationship for one year's time. So, firstly, I wish you could learn to cherish your love and your lover. As lovers, people should try to understand each other. As you write above,your girlfriend has experienced something not so nice in her family life, then you should learn to understand her about her being so sensitive. Of course, in a healthy relationship, trust is one of the most important points. Perhaps, as time flows, as you two spend more time together, she will get more and more trust on you. In the first year of your relationship, she appears to be so cautious about your being close with other females, because she really loves you and is afraid of losing you. I wish that she could also learn to trust you and your love for her. Why not try to have a talk with her about this? Gradually, I believe that she will also understand you, as you understand her. Best wishes for your love and good luck.
• China
25 Feb 11
hi ! larrychen! i guess i gave a very good inspiration here! maybe it takes time to make her trust me. i belive she would heal her past time after time under my help. tks a lot ! my dear friend,i think i've known how to do now .
25 Feb 11
glad for you and wish things go well~~~
• India
24 Feb 11
hai...its very good that you guys are in love over a year...coz many dont sustain that much...its pleasing that you both love love each other very much and and treat one another well... unhappy things exists in every relation... you dont have to bothering about those little times because at those time you or she may not be herself...dont worry about that...but as you said she is very much cautious about you talking or becoming friendly with others, that's just because she had bad experiences in her life and she doesn't want to ruin her's too...even you know its natural...but for me in a relation trust is the most important thing, hey dont take me wrong or fell i am discouraging...without trust relation wont sustain and even if you take care not to let it go then it may not be so pleasing...so its your foremost responsibility that you make her believe you...and when you you trust her that she believe you then you shouldnt bother her checking your mails and stuff...thats just her and you cant change that...remember trust is important
• China
25 Feb 11
hello! iamhari123. i could clearly know these little problems is just part of life, and most of the time is treat this kind of sensitive of her as a deep love for me. i know how much her cared me,so i would remind myself again and again to treat her right. u've said a very important point here , trust. from my perspective as a show of forgive or understanding this kind action of her. i should never complain about this . but sometimes when it's come to some specific problem. like i chat with some normal girls.i have to explain times and times again to her this is just a normal socializing . but she is so stubborn that no matter what i explained is just in vain. tks a lot ! my dear friend, anyway i've gave me a very good advice, and i will try my best to reach that ! best wishes to u ! my friend!
• India
26 Feb 11
hey huangdangwu...you said trust is show of forgiveness or understanding this kind of action...yea sure thats very good way to put things.....you both are in relation for one year...that itself is a really good sign... i could really see you love her more than anything...so may be you will have to adjust for her...as far as i see she had a very sharp wound in her heart and mere explanation wont heal it ...but i guess in course of time she will understand...as they laugh openly so that even sorrow fell happy for you and love so deeply that even hatred fells love for you and misunderstanding has no chance of occurring...
@LTL143 (57)
• Philippines
25 Feb 11
Good to hear that you really love this girl for how many years. I can understand the way she act but I guess you really need to talk. Don't lose hope, understand your girlfriend as much as you can. Sometimes when you go to chat, call her and let her be with you. allow her to see whom you chat with. Another, if you have special days to celebrate, you have to remind her ahead of time so that she can feel how important she is to you. It will make her happy, always give her a time in spite of your busy days because she really needs you. Love, understanding, trust, and time are the special and secret recipe for a healthy relationship.
• China
26 Feb 11
hello! ltl143! i guess u are right , i should try to make her how i wanted her ! tks! my dear friend!
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
25 Feb 11
Obviously, as your girlfriend grew up in a family situation of this kind, she has developed an inhibition which she cannot ever forget or leave behind. Its very unlikely that she will ever become able to trust any man again. A married woman of my acquaintance has this jealous nature, and believe me she makes life miserable for her unfortunate husband.I cannot see this marriage lasting. My advise to you is, leave her in favor of a woman with a more trusting nature.
• China
26 Feb 11
tks for your sincere advice . barebugs.
25 Feb 11
Because of your girlfriends past, she has trust issues that have to be resolved before she can truly be happy with anybody and be able to fully trust them. So understand that no matter what, this is how it will be in your relationship whether you guys get married or not. Also, I've been in relationships where my significant others had these issues and went through my belongings to give themselves piece of mind and it leaves you feeling violated and empty so I know how you feel. Ask yourself though, can you go through the rest of life feeling like you're on trial knowing that you've done nothing wrong? Always having to explain yourself without any private time or time with friends to be had without an argument or ill feelings? Those are things you have to consider.
• China
26 Feb 11
tks a lot ! SockriTease! i've read those advice u gave me ,and i will think about it !
@annawen86 (547)
• Indonesia
25 Feb 11
hello huangdangwu, cia youu i cant blame your girlfriend about what she felt because of her father. the truth, i have a problem to related to my father. my father cheated my mom too, and it kind like trauma for me. at the first year my relationship with my boyfriend, my boyfriend was so jealous to me because i'm popular. and i was so jealous to him because i remember my father. like your girlfriend i tried to monitor his cellphone and laptop eventhough i knew that he is honest to me in everything. but then i try to change, i dont want to care about the thing like that anymore. i try not to check his cellphone and laptop. and now he is the one who check my cellphone, not me :) your girlfriend has to change her self. no matter how hard you convince her, it will not make ny different unless she realize and change her self like me. i believe that when you too trust each other, everything will be so much easier.like i learn my mistake and try to improve my self to be a better person. try not to think about marriage before she changed, or you will feel like live in hell, my friend. if there is no way out, accompany her to go to phsyciater, maybe she need a elp from other person who understand about phsycology like a phsyciater. good luck my friend. hope for the best for ya.
• China
25 Feb 11
hello! annawen! i'm very happy that u would share your experience with me selflessly. and i could see that u handle very well in your relationship. i think in people's relationship, especially in love. we should learn to live independent, that's not only the way to give the him or her space, but also the way to set yourself feel. is just like Elvis Presley sang----love me tender ,love me long. if u love someone truely, u may fell compel to get her of him totally, but that's not the right way, remember , if you love some , give him respect ,give him space . best wishes to u , my dear friend !
• India
24 Feb 11
I would like to suggest a simple way to solve this problem, from next time when ever you chat with someone (any of your female friend or any other female) you ask your girlfriend to come and sit next to you while you chat with another female. Do this for 3-4 times and then all doubts in her mind will get clear when she will see that you are not doing anything wrong.
• China
25 Feb 11
hello! my friend! tks a lot for your good advice! and it sounds a very direct way to face this problem , i would try it next time ! aha .
@edb225112 (125)
• United States
24 Feb 11
Your girlfriend has some issues with trust. First, ask yourself if you have given her any reason for this lack of trust. As a man, you most likely have. Each time you have a conversation with someone on line and feel nervious about her looking at what you have written, you have done something which shows her you are not trustworthy. With her trust issues, this will be deadly. If you want to keep this relationship together, you and your girlfriend need to get some professional help. You need to understand her fears, she needs to know how the lack of trust will destroy your relationship.
• China
25 Feb 11
hello, my friend . i think i'm already working on it slowly these ! and i should give her enough time to get recovery from the gloomy past. tks a lot ! my dear friend , i would let u know when things get better between me and her !
24 Feb 11
Its really a big problem. I know I'm not an expert in this situation but I do experience liked this. My advice only is that tell her and make her understand that you are loyal and faithful to her. Its really hard to deal with people in this kind of situation they are in. Just be patient and tell her you are committed to her every now and then maybe she will understand it and will not do it again.
• China
25 Feb 11
hello! Tranqkai! i think it's just like larrychen said, i should give her enough time to trust me and herself as well. tks a lot! my dear friend! and i will let u know if things get better between me and her ! best wishes to u!
• China
25 Feb 11
As a man,you can understand what she's doing,becaus she never wants what her mother suffered happens again to her.And that shows she loves you so much,she's afraid she will lose you or be treated by you. On the other hand,if she truely loves you,she must trust you,especially she can't monitor what you have done and what you are doing.It seams that she doesn't know how to respect her lover,and even she's not able to tell apart the normal from the unnormal! For you,that's really an unmanageable problem.But how will it end?I think that all depends on her.If she never changes her mind and suspects you as before,you'd better dump her,or you'll never get happiness all the life.You cannot live under her suspectedness the whole life! I hope she can change herself.And can you persuade her?Great luck with you!
• Saint Lucia
25 Feb 11
hello huang, I am a woman and i believe that a relationship without trust is no good.In the beginning when she didnt know you very well that would be understandable but after a year i would simply walk out.Unless of course you have given her reasons as to not trust you.You have to sit and discuss this with her making sure she understands that you are not her father.Love without trust is just a waste of time. Being jealous once in a while keeps the relationship fresh cause its telling you that your partner still has it for you.Having trust issues isnt good.You cant move forward into marriage without settling this. It will destroy the love you have for her eventually.So be sure to seek help for her and work on that trust issue before you get married.Counselling is a great way to go.
• China
25 Feb 11
First of all,I want to say that the reason why your girlfriend used to suspecting you is that she really loves you. I think you should feel lucky. Secondly,maybe the experience of your girlfriend impacts her seriously,so the way of her love makes you unhappy. Thirdly,I want to say communication is the only way of solving problem.As you said,you and your girlfriend are so intimate,I think the effective communication is notso difficult.In my mind,you should tell your girlfriend honestly about your receptive,or the problem between you and your girlfriend will be more serious.Give my best wishes to you!
• China
25 Feb 11
The love is selfish .What Your girlfiend has done is comprehensible moreover her father was not loyal to her mum before.However this does not warrant her doing that.She must not make sweeping generalizations and thinks that all man is like her father.
@prime74j (38)
25 Feb 11
it is good that you were able to reach a year with each other. i understood how much you feel. at times you feel annoyed with her reactions. as i read your situation, your girlfriend is not trusting you a lot because he sees you like his father. she needs to be healed from that experience so that she could see you in a different way and not be able to compare you like his father. unconciously, it is there in her mind and that needs to be healed so that she can trust you.
• Singapore
25 Feb 11
I'm not sure if your girlfriend's condition will improve in future and whether her trust on you will grow. Try to discuss with her about this issue and how both of you can salvage the situation. Consider getting a professional help if her condition doesn't improve over time. These are what you can do to help her. Now, question about yourself. Can you continue to live with it if her condition remains or worsen over time? I really hope her trust on you can gradually increase. All the best to your relationship!