Needy Friends

@dorannmwin (36683)
United States
March 2, 2011 9:44pm CST
Okay, so I have a friend that seems to only want to have something to do with me when there is something that she needs. I don't mean that she wants to borrow money or anything like that from me because that is one thing that she has never asked. However, she will call me when she needs to vent about something and I will listen to her sometimes for hours on end. However, when I need to talk to someone she will get defensive on me and tell me that I always seem to have time to spend with my other friends, why don't I go to them with the problems. What drives me nuts about this is that I spend most of my time at home, not running around with my friends. I do have a girl that I hang out with from time to time, however it has been like two times in a one month period. Does anyone else have friends that seem to be very needy? If you do have these kinds of friends, how do you tend to deal with them?
2 people like this
22 responses
@sunny5u (2072)
• India
3 Mar 11
Hi dorannmwin, i used to have a friend this sort of person like you are having, sometimes shows a weird behavior, i usually be close with every one but that guy use to irritate me very much, finally i taught he's not correct for me and then i stopped talking to him and avoided him, finally leaving him made me happy
• Boston, Massachusetts
3 Mar 11
Hi Sunny, Now you're free from any somebody who added stress in your life. Good that you're able to make it. I hope there will be a chance for you in the future to rekindle the friendship but on a different level where more positive sharing will take place...a better relationship. But for now, enjoy life without his existence. Hurray!
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I do think that sometimes we do need to take a break from friendships like this. I am trying to step back. However, it makes it a little bit more difficult for me because of the fact that my son and her daughter are also friends.
1 person likes this
• Boston, Massachusetts
4 Mar 11
That's really difficult because your kids are friends but I hope your decision will not affect their friendship. For now enjoy the break that you have of being away from her...take a deep breath and relax. You deserve a "stress-free" days off.
@jujunme (2344)
• United States
4 Mar 11
The reason your friend continues to vent her problems to you is because she knows you're willing to listen, so, she takes advantage of this.Friendship is a two way street and if she can't reciprocate and do the same for you, she's no friend at all and is simply using you for her needs. The way to deal with someone like this is to come right out and tell her that if she wants you to listen to her , she needs to do the same for you since this is what a friendship is supposed to be about and if she can't understand or be willing to compromise,she should look elsewhere for the help she needs. This is not being rude or unkind, this is simply standing up for yourself and saving yourself a lot of aggrevation.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
10 Mar 11
You are right, I need to let her know that she isn't the only one that ever needs someone to listen to her. I also need to let her know that I won't give in to her whining any more.
@jujunme (2344)
• United States
10 Mar 11
Good for you and maybe you can tell her if she needs counseling from you, you're going to start charging her a fee,lol
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
12 Mar 11
Well, you know I am looking for ways to earn a little bit of extra money. I mean I can see using someone as a shoulder from time to time when there are burdens in your life that you are having a difficult time dealing with. However, all the time is just a little bit excessive.
• Boston, Massachusetts
3 Mar 11
Hi Dorann, Yes i encountered lots of needy people. They're annoying but you know what, I later on considered it a blessing as we are given the chance to be a friend to them--that we are in the position to hear and help them out. But we just need to be cautious not to be abused. You friend might not have the skills to listen and truly be there for you. Next time let her know your priorities too and help her understand and respect your situation too. I used to assess the seriousness of the situation and if I see that it's not as bad as what she thinks I will end the conversation in a way that will not let her feel bad and that will give her time to deal with her own processes based on the discussion we have. Sometimes I also presented my situation --meaning I only have limited time to deal with her as I too need to attend to something else.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I think that you might be onto something here. There are some people that are given the ability to be given the ability of listening to people and that might be the reason that I seem to end up in this kind of a situation from time to time.
1 person likes this
• Boston, Massachusetts
4 Mar 11
I admire you friend for being so honest with your feelings and ending up being in such situation. Rest assured I understand your situation and empathize with you though I might took it in another perspective. Here's power hugs for you friend. Have a lovely weekend!
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
10 Mar 11
You are quite right. You know, for the most part, this past weekend was a pretty good weekend.
@Nadinest1 (2042)
• Canada
10 Mar 11
One of my sisters seems to be the same way. The only time she calls, is when she needs to tell me something about herself. She doesn't talk with me, she talks AT me. The conversation is all about her.....when I can relate to something she said....she cuts me off and says: So anyway.....and then goes back to talking at me. I have since distanced myself from her....I don't need that kind of person in my days.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
12 Mar 11
I think that today might have very well been the worst. I needed someone to talk to for like five minutes because of some distressing news that I'd heard. I called her and the first thing that she asked about was some money that I needed to give her (dues money from the group that we organize). Well, as soon as I told her that I had sent it to her via paypal she said, "Let me call you back in a few minutes." We are now seven hours later and I haven't heard from her.
@xien2xien (1383)
• Philippines
10 Mar 11
what goes around comes around. when the time that your friend needs your help or your ears to listen to her dramas, better not give her much attention like what she's doing with you when the time you need her for just to listen for your sentiments. or better tell her to go with her other friends just like whatever she was telling you when you need her..... that's the rule give and take don't be too much greedy to the point you only want to take and take and never give :) hope it will help your problem. it sounds like harsh but life is often harsh and unfair :)
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
12 Mar 11
You are right in that sense. I have always been the kind of person that tries not to burden my friends with problems that I face in my life. I've got a mother who has always been my best friend and she is actually the only person that I really feel comfortable talking to except for my husband. However, I know that if I was the person that always whined to my friends that there would be people that would get tired of the situation.
@bounce58 (17550)
• Canada
7 Mar 11
Thankfully, I don't! I think some people, just categorize friends by a type. Although you might feel close to her, I'm afraid you might have been just categorized as 'the friend to vent out frustrations'. And maybe nothing more. If she did categorized you as that, I don't think that's a good relationship.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
10 Mar 11
I think that you might be right and that is actually part of the reason that I am distancing myself from her at this point in time. She is jealous of my other friends, but the thing that is different with the other friends is that although I've not been around them in a long time, there is still history there where I consider the other friends to be a part of my family and she doesn't fit in with that way.
@much2say (34647)
• United States
4 Mar 11
Seems like I have many friends like this - argh! I find that most of them are my single friends who do not have kids (maybe my problem is I have too many "single" friends). I, too, am an ear to all of them and will listen to them go on and on about their issues, but when the tables are turned (which is actually rare), they don't seem to give me the same courtesy. Quite honestly I think they are too absorbed into their own problems that they can't "get into" anyone else's problems. And because they don't have "family" like I do, they probably can't relate. Ohhhh, I've had certain friends accuse me of spending time with "other" friends too. I don't hang around with any friend right now - if anything, I chat a lot in person with my daughter's friends moms - who are sort of friends - but we're just together just because we're at the same place doing the same things for our kids. But that's not really hanging out with friend-friends, you know what I mean? Like if I say I went to the park with the kids and we went with so and so's kids, to them it counts as spending time with "other" friends. But it's not like I talk about real personal issues with them like I would do with a real friend who knows me the whole me. Lately, I've been too busy - serious - not just an excuse. We had a move to deal with - among other things - and I haven't been able to even get to my emails or Facebook for a month (and myLot for that matter). I literally shut everyone out (though not intentionally) as I had to get things done - seriously no time to chat. I had to get the everyday things done (which I'm barely getting done) - as well as unload and unpack . . . and then you know it's really with 2 kids on top of that. So in that since, these needy friends have been out of my hair in the passed month - ha ha.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
10 Mar 11
I honestly don't have a lot of time that I've been spending with friends either. So on the weekend I like to go to visit with my friend that lives an hour away from me. Hello, I can't go down there during the week because it is an hour each way which would result in only being able to stay for an hour while Kathryn is at school or only being able to stay for an hour after school and that wouldn't be worth it to me for a two hour drive in total.
@anna18 (142)
• Philippines
4 Mar 11
I admit that I am not well off but I never make it to a point that being poor or less fortunate becomes a burden to my friends. When my friends wants to eat in a fancy restaurant I would politely recline if I can't afford. Friendship is tested not during the happy times but this should not be the reason that we try to make friends. it is a give and take process. Its too selfish of your friend if she demands alot of time from you. I appreciate that you tried to listen to your friend. Listening is a gift. people nowadays wants to talk alot and not bother to listen.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
You are right about declining when there are things that friends want to do that we are not able to afford. I think that there are far too many times that money comes in the way of a friendship and I think that it really is sad when something like this happens. I've had it happen too in the past and only now that I am older and more mature am I able to start to rebuild those friendships.
@piya84 (2591)
• India
4 Mar 11
I have few friends like that they call me only when there is some problem.I just listen till i have patience.I try to give solutions if its possible.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I do try to offer advice when it is warranted. However, there are a lot of times that I don't think my advice is listened to.
@megamatt (14333)
• United States
3 Mar 11
These people tend to bother me for a reason. Granted when you think about it, they are rather messed up to say the very least. These type of behaviors are given some kind of problem, perhaps a distinct lack of self esteem. It is a very serious issue and I sympathize with them, but perhaps they need to help themselves a lot of the time. People tend to cling and be needy sometimes, because they are afraid of loss. It is really a sad, tragic thing. And they tend to be the one's that tend to fly off at the handle about the most absurd things. I will try to help but there is only so many things and they seem to not to want to return the favor. It makes me really limit my interactions and go out of my way to avoid these types of people.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
You are right. I think that the vast majority of people that show these kinds of characteristics need help that I am really not able to provide. Yes, I was a psychology minor in college, but that doesn't mean that I am able to provide therapy for people.
@jennbart (1333)
• Philippines
3 Mar 11
My goodness! tell me about it girl.It can get tiring if the friendship is just a one way street. Friendships should always be 2 ways. Tell her to look for other people to listen to her the next time she wants to rant out.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I think that the next time that she calls and gets started on this song and dance I probably will tell her that I have other things going on at the moment. In fact, I'm surprised she didn't call my crying today because she has just found out that she is losing her apartment (the beauty of facebook.)
• Singapore
3 Mar 11
dorannmwin: she seems really like a waste of your time.. trust me, she's not worth it.. i'd start avoiding her and start finding new friends if i were you.. truth is, i was like that girl once, to my friend (a guy).. i was not interested with him at all, he was ugly and i was shy to be seen hanging out with him, and i had better friends out there, he was only my fallback friend, when i felt sad i would go and find him because i know he'd be there for me.. but i've repented and i've learned not to treat people thay way.. but if your friends only find you when she's having problems, i would she suggest you to start aboiding her
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I have drawn back some and I think that might be part of the reason that she really isn't happy with me. However, I've never been the kind of person that can only have one friend, I've always had a group of friends that I spend time with from time to time.
@katsmeow1213 (28843)
• United States
3 Mar 11
I try not to associate myself with people who will bring me down or stress me out or cause drama in my life. I just don't need any of that. My first and main priority is to my family and I don't need people making my cranky or grouchy towards my family.. so when I feel a strain on a relationship I end up just breaking it off, unless the person is important like family or a friend I've had forever. Right now I do not have a lot of friends I hang out with. Most of my close friends are online and living in various areas around the world. The friends I do have around here aren't really close friends.. we'll hang out from time to time, chat occassionally.. that's about the extent of it. If I want to vent about something I usually go to my mom, hubby, or to an online friend (or all my online friends here on Mylot, LOL). I do have one friend and we vent back and forth to each other when we get together or chat or whatever.. we're sort of in a similar boat financially, we're both moms and all that.. so we understand each other, and we do unload on each other.. but like me, she'll also go to family first and we only vent to each other when we're already together for another reason.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
You see, the people that I vent with are my mother and my husband as well. I feel like they are the people that I can trust the most. With her, I don't know why she is such a clingy person, but I think that a lot of it might root down to the fact that she really doesn't have extended family and her husband is less than supportive of her.
@Thoroughrob (11771)
• United States
3 Mar 11
I hate people that do that. She is not much of a friend to act like that. I would just start avoiding her. I have cut ties before.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
Oh, around this time last year I did end up cutting ties with a lot of friends because I didn't think that they were being fair to people. There was a lot of backstabbing going on.
@Theresaaiza (9677)
• Australia
3 Mar 11
That sounds very unfair. If she is good at coming to you then she has to learn to reciprocate as well. Seems to me she's made a counselor out of you. But it is good that you try to listen to her and that there isn't money involved. Maybe you can try to be frank with her about it. Tell her that you were very eager and willing to be there when she needs you but how come she isn't the same way? Maybe she'll not only minimize coming to you but also begin to be sensitive about your own needs as well.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I think with her that a part of it boils down to jealousy. I've lived here for most of my entire life and that means that I've had relationships that have lasted since childhood. I think that when I start to spend time with some of those people after a hiatus that she is afraid that she will lose me as a friend. However, there is only so much complaining that a person can listen to.
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
3 Mar 11
hmm let me think. well it seems like i do not have such friends.. i admit , i am sometimes the needy friend but then i do not go and bother friends. i am independent, i tend to keep it all inside me plus if there is anyone i wanna talk to it is often my husband, it is him who i pour all whatsoever i have inside... and i guess that is why he often criticize me or make comments hahaha i guess at times i he had enough!
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
You see, I have a husband as well that is the person that I will vent to about 90% of the time (the other 10% of the time I will vent to my mother). I suppose that might be where the difference between she and I occurs. She doesn't have a family and her husband is definitely not supportive of her.
@palonghorn (5490)
• United States
3 Mar 11
I really don't deal well with those types of 'friends' that only need you when they want something, but have no time for you when you need to talk. I have had several 'friends' like that in the past, and it didn't take me long to figure them out. I also do not like 'friends' that you tell something in confidence and then they tell everyone or the other party involved. As soon as it becomes clear that they are like that, I distance myself from them. When they call, I either let them leave a voice mail, or I tell them 'sorry, but I've got things I have to get done'. It normally doesn't take them long before they find someone else to talk too.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
The thing with her is that I cannot completely alienate her because she is also the leader of a playgroup that I'm very involved in and she is the kind of person that tends to hold a grudge. I don't want to end up kicked out of the group because that is the place that the majority of my son's friends come from at this point (he has another year to go before he will start kindergarten).
• United States
3 Mar 11
Oh gosh yes I have a couple friends like this and how I handle it is that I will listen until I can't take it any longer. As soon as I apply constructive criticism the telephone call somehow ends. It is a vicious repetitive problem and something tiring for me. Now forget about me the rare times I call them, because the defense raises and all of sudden they start talking about their issues instead of hearing me out.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I just can't help but wonder if one of your friends that you are talking about is the same person that I am talking about. Seriously, just like she does, there are times that I need someone to talk to as well.
@bunnybon7 (32565)
• Holiday, Florida
3 Mar 11
oh for sure. even though shes treated me a few times like crap, my sons ex-ex that has been my friend for many yrs, also does that. the only time she does anything for me is if i pay her for it and i mean, gas , plus eating out, etc. she used to come to my house and eat lunch, etc. with me and wouldnt invite me. now every once in a while she calls me with her problems and when i try and give her advice she has something mean to say about it. like im so much better off. she also says things like you really dont like me any more and yet, i say, why would i talk to you if i didnt care?
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I've never been told that I don't care about her, but when we make plans and something comes up (like when my husband fell on the ice and we ended up at the emergency room) she always claims that something comes up every time that we've made plans. Hello!!! She is the one that cancels out on me most of the time.
3 Mar 11
I have a friend like that and she was always calling when she had a problem but didn't care to hear about my problem. I started to randomly call her just for like a 30 second chat here and there. I would even start the conversation with, hey I'm almost to work but I have a story I thought you would appreciate or something like that. Once I did that she seemed to realize I was someone that she like to talk WITH and not talk TO. It helped our friendship a lot.
@dorannmwin (36683)
• United States
4 Mar 11
I've tried to do something similar with her and I believe that is something that I should be able to continue to do. You are right, it probably will make a great difference in our friendship.