Getting My Husband To Help
March 4, 2011 5:17pm CST
Hi I don't know whether anyone can help me with this. I'm married and have 2 kids aged 16 months and 5 years old. They are a credit to me. I am really lucky to have such wonderful kids. However, I suffered a break down and am currently recovering. Things have been going well and I take regular medication that helps me. The problem is that my husband doesn't work and is paid to be my carer. I'm struggling with the house work at the moment. I seem to do it all. However, I don't know whether that is just the way I conceive it to be. I take my fair share in looking after the kids. My husband cooks for us most of the time. However, the majority of the time he plays on Facebook when he should be helping me tidy up. Recently he has done no tidying up. I washed the pots before he cooked tea and then he cooked tea and left the kitchen in a real mess. Whenever I cook, I always make sure I tidy up afterwards. I have felt ill all day with a bad cold/influenza. My husband went to bed at 2p.m and slept till 4p.m then he got up and cooked the tea. He hasn't done any housework apart from cooking the tea. I have done it all. However, the house is getting messier and it is really annoying me. If I say something to him about it he gets all defensive then starts yelling at me. Now he is in bed. I'm so fed up and just don't know how to go about this. If he is paid to care for me then surely he should be doing more than sleeping and playing on his computer? Can anyone advise me what to do please?
3 people like this
• United States
4 Mar 11
First Mickie I am very sorry you have not been well. I think you need to have a calm but serious talk with your husband. Explain to him that although you appreciate him cooking and helping that you would like for him to help out more. Start the conversation with it being that you have the issue, and why I say this is that some people when you start out with you, you, get offended and tend to not grasp or listen to a conversation. Explain to your husband that although you are doing your best to get well again, you feel that something is really stressing you and you are afraid if you do not speak it out you will be yet more ill. He does need to be more attentive to things at home, some people really get badly addicted to the internet when gaming. I do hope that he understands and both of you can come to an agreement where the home can run smoother and you can start feeling better. If you do not speak to him, it will continue to get on your nerves and I am afraid you will not move forward. I wish you well and hope he understands and does more of his fair share.
• Carlisle, England
4 Mar 11
Hi Mickie30, I, too am sorry about what is happening. Take notice of what hardworkinggurl is saying, she talks a lot of sense. As for Facebook and the gaming addiction. I can identify with this. Ten minutes ends up being a couple of hours in the blink of an eye. It got so bad (for me at least) that I cancelled my Facebook account. There were other reasons too for me cancelling but I've not used Facebook since (a few months ago now) and feel better for it. In fact, I'm quite proud at the fact I DON'T use it but 75% of people do!
• United States
5 Mar 11
Talk to him at a time when you are both in a good mood and just remind him that everyone needs to help around the house more. He's not a child if he makes a mess he need to clean it up. It's not fair to you to do all the housework. Great he cooks but more needs to be done around the house than just cooking. In my house we had a rule that whoever cooks doesn't have to wash the dishes. Maybe you could ask him if he'd rather pay someone to come and clean. Do you have any neighbors you are close to? If you don't have extra money to pay someone maybe you can barter for cleaning services. If they help you clean maybe you can cook them a meal or whatever skills you have you can trade for cleaning. It's an idea and it may take the stress off of both of you.
5 Mar 11
Hi unfortunately, no there's no neighbours that I could ask. We did have a cleaner who was a friend from Church, but he couldn't clean properly so we got rid of him. We couldn't pay for someone that didn't do a good job and we were paying him above the average rate of pay. I don't know what the solution is really. Even if he decides to do some cleaning he will only do it for a while and then he goes back to the old person. The only time where he did any cleaning was when he had social services on his back. I feel like that may be the only answer, but there has to be another way. When social services pushed him he fulfilled his job, but since they backed off he has gone back to normal, playing, sleeping and allowing me to do it all.
5 Mar 11
Im sorry to hear that but i know that every marriage life has its own maturing time. It depends on how partners treat every situation. In my case just like yours my husband was always infront of computer after completing his games he would go out and drink with his friends while i was taking care of our baby. He would come wasted. It was like that for more than a year. When i tried to talk about it he would just say ok but nothing happen. All i did then was to pray for him and for our family. Then i got the right time to talk to him heart to heart, explaining what i was feeling then and how he was hurting me. Understanding what was his reason. We both compromised and sworn to be good to each other. Today we are happy ....when he does things he always makes a point to tell it to me...vice versa. I know someday and it will be soon that both of u wil be okay. Just be patient and pray. That s the other rsponsibility of a wife to be a guiding light to our house. Hope this will help u.
5 Mar 11
Since your husband is your carer it is his responsibility to see to it that you are well. But it seems that you will not be getting well, if you are the one taking care of the house not to be messy. It is best that you should have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Start by telling him how you feel of the whole situation. Make him guilty of what he is doing to you. Do it in a nice way though, not in a confrontational manner.