The Guilt Bullet

@dawnald (84146)
Shingle Springs, California
April 8, 2011 12:36pm CST
So week after next the children have a school break, and I took the week off work. R is working, so I thought I would take a few days and take them down to Southern California for some fun, to see family and friends, etc. As soon as R heard about it he talking about where "we" could go, seeing if he could take a few days off, etc. With the kids in the room, of course... Sigh. So last night I told him I really wanted to do this with the kids by myself. His response, "ouch". So I told him it wasn't that I hated him, or wanted him out of their lives, etc., but that it was time that we started doing things separately. "Well," he says, "it's just that I care so much." "And I care too, but I don't care to be married to you." Does he KNOW he's shooting me with guilt bullets, or is it subconscious, do you think?
3 people like this
17 responses
• United States
8 Apr 11
I don't think that he is intentionally shooting you with guilt bullets. More like subconscious thoughts because he is not ready to let go yet. Of course he knows he does not have a choice, but he feels he does not have to like it.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
I think he just says what's on his mind, and no thought about how it impacts anybody.
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
22 Apr 11
Well with everything that I read in the past I think he knows Dawn Specially when he says it in front of the Children as you can not argue back in front of them with him
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Apr 11
btw papers came Friday. Saturday he asked me "what was that all about". So I told him it means we're not married any more. Funny guy. Instead of saying, OK what now, he starts off on psychoanalyzing why I married him in the first place....
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
26 Apr 11
Wow Dawn I hope you are ignoring him on that matter just tell him to accept it that it is over and that is it
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Apr 11
I told him to drop it and he did. but it's weird, he's busy doing this and doing that to improve the yard, and so on, as if we're actually going to continue to live there...
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (120478)
• Boise, Idaho
9 Apr 11
It is exactly what he wants. Wether subconcious or not. He's a manipulator. I would probably make it apparent to him that he is not always welcome and needs to ask first, NOT ASSUME. From this point forward.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
I try, and all I get is "whatever I do, it's wrong"....
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (120478)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Apr 11
Stand tall and be the woman we know you are! To H*ll with everybody else! You know you are doing your best. You know you have intellect. You know you're a good person. And who is he? The one youre divorcing. With good reason OBVIOUSLY! (Insert smile here)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Apr 11
1 person likes this
@hofferp (4739)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I don't think he's thinking about you or even the kids. I think it's about him. It's obvious he hasn't figured out he won't be in the picture much longer. Any word on the divorce process?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
Papers are all in, no more corrections, I'm pretty sure. Need to start moving on other stuff....
@hofferp (4739)
• United States
9 Apr 11
Sounds good. You planning on putting the house up for sale soon?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Apr 11
soon-ish
@katsmeow1213 (29044)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I don't know.. depends on how smart he is. If he's a typical guy.. I'd say it's unconciously happening. If he's got potential to be a criminal mastermind.. then maybe it is on purpose.. it's all a part of his plan!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
I think he just says what's on his mind, damn the consequences, and doesn't realize until afterward how it affects people. The other day, Dearra was telling him about a guy on Yahoo Answers who was in a family with an abusive father, wanting to know what to do. R joked that kids who didn't listen to their parents SHOULD be beaten. She was very upset at him for saying such a thing.
• United States
8 Apr 11
I think there's a word for that.. verbal diarrhea?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
Yeah, also emotional vomiting....
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
12 Apr 11
there are times of gasp in a relationship that you need to breathe freely, just make sure that planning is not hurting. Have it as if unplanned and unintentional. Do not let him hear and see the excitement of your preparation with him out of the scenario, make it as if just a day to day activity.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Apr 11
boy do I need to breath freely!
• Philippines
13 Apr 11
lol, sometimes
• United States
9 Apr 11
He Still thinks you will change your mind about the divorce. It won't hit him until you and the kids move into your new place Without him! He thinks he can get you to stay " for the children" . He Doesn't and Will Not see that you ae Leaving for the children!The kids ned to see a happy Mom. I hope your trip goes well . Let us know.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
Must get off my duff and decide what days I'm going...
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Apr 11
Just you and the kids! Have fun Whenever you go!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (68540)
• India
8 Apr 11
Dawny, if you feel guilty and compromise, you will resent R more than he deserves...and may be you cannot then remain as fair as you normally are.. so give it space... if there is still something in the marriage..you will be able to realize it only after you live separately and do things independently...as of now, you are too close to get the actual view..at least this is what I think..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
Yes, I will resent it very much, so I'm glad I told him straight out.
@vandana7 (68540)
• India
8 Apr 11
Sometimes it is only one way...
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27564)
• United States
9 Apr 11
I'm thinking he knows. I bet his next move will to be to mention to the kids that he wanted to go...I'm very cynical right now...you know why...I am expecting the worst. I hate feeling like that.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
I hope not, that would be really low...
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
9 Apr 11
I Think R is giving you both! The guilt trip and the subsonscious thing! Probaly more of the guilt trip! I sure you and R will work things out when it comes to spending time with the children seperately! I am so glad I never got married!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
well there are advantages...
@much2say (40477)
• United States
9 Apr 11
From what all I've read about R, that just sounds like R talking like R. He seems to make these mushy gushy comments - maybe not necessarily just to get to you - that's just his way - and he can't help himself - he just does it. Sorry you have to put up with this . . . hopefully it's not for too much longer. As they say in Japanese, gaman (endure, patience).
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
Yeah, I think you're right, it's just him....
@SViswan (12071)
• India
9 Apr 11
I think he is doing it on purpose. You've been very clear on your stand. Like you, I too would think that someone was doing things subconsciously but then I recently realized that they weren't and I was feeling guilty for no reason. It's probably the same case with you.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Apr 11
It could be, or maybe he just doesn't have much impulse control and just has to "get it out"
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Yes...and hanging on for dear life....at least he isn't taking out the Bible and reading it to the kids while you are off at work...crying and reading...hummmm..if he would have been a decent human being in the first place we might have been still married....nah....probably not!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
If he were pulling the bible out, I could call him a freakin' hypocrite, cus he's a non-believer.
@ajk111 (2527)
8 Apr 11
OOoooohhh! sore one on both sides! I don't know the story behind this so i am not going to be some Oprah about this. sounds like he is not ready for seperation. good luck with this scenario.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
Yeah I don't think he's ready at all. If you have 300 years, feel free to read all my old posts. lol Maybe not...
@KrauseHome (35514)
• United States
8 Apr 11
Well, he could really care and wish he was still with you. It is not unusual especially with men to have second thoughts after a Divorce is final especially if their are feelings. And maybe he just wants to be included when you are doing things with the kids even if he is not living there. I guess it is really up to the 2 of you to really decide what is best for the both of you and go from there. There is nothing wrong with being friends if you have too for the sake of the kids. Probably better that way instead of not wanting him around.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
He didn't want the divorce, so clearly he wishes he were still included. It's going to hurt him, yes, but I need the separation.
@GardenGerty (104102)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I do not think he knows or cares that he is shooting you with guilt bullets. It is all about HIM and he would never think about what is good for you and for the kids. He cars about himself and having fun etc. He needs to find his own fun things with the kids without you.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
It's possible he doesn't know he's doing it. Not sure....
@savypat (20246)
• United States
8 Apr 11
I don't think this has anything to do with you as much as it has to do with the trip with the kids. He thought that sounds like fun, I want to go also. I think you handled it just right, you have thought this seperation through and realize that he is no longer included in your planing but R has not come to that place yet. He doesn't want the marriage to be over and he's going to fight that reality every way he can. Just put your guilt away and go on with your life, he's in pain and only he can get a handle on that. Life is not easy.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Apr 11
yeah, I know he would like to go, but we do have to start separating eventually....