I don't know if I can deal with him anymore!

United States
April 12, 2011 12:31am CST
I'm had it about up to here with my boyfriend and his family. I know that I have posted before and I always thought that underneath it all we could work things out... but I don't know if we can. I hurt so bad right now that I think I should calm down before making a decision... but it just seems so hopeless. His family never did like me, they never gave me a chance. I'm always watching what I say around them and it seems that even when I do watch what I say... they find a way to ridicule me and put me down. They still haven't gotten over my being opposed to the vasectomy that he got. Which really, that's my business what I think of that and they need to just get over it. It should have been a decision between he and I, but his mother made it her personal vendetta to make sure he got one because SHE wanted him to. I have tried to put this behind me, and maybe I could... if they then did not start trying to hook him up with other girls! He has not cheated on me at this point. I know this because when he wakes up he calls for me to come over and I do not leave until he is ready for bed. On the days that I go to school he calls me at school to talk to me so I know there is no other girl going on there are anything. It's just this stupid Facebook page. His niece kept telling him about her friend as soon as he got a page and told him that she has pictures on her page of her friend dancing on a stripper pole. When he and I were alone I mentioned something about it, but he thought his niece was talking about her friend that passed away last year and just shrugged it off. I was still upset about it, but whatever. Then tonight I got on his page to give him our nightly 'poke' and it says that he has a new friend. I thought maybe he finally got ahold of his highschool best friend which is the whole reason he got a facebook page to begin with... when instead I find that he has friended that girl his niece was telling him about. I'm furious! I am so beyond furious. I'm hurt and offended and just right now I can't deal with this. I know that he doesn't know this girl from the past or anything. She is just a girl that his niece parties with and that's why this hurts my feelings so much. But, I don't even feel like I can talk to my boyfriend about this kind of stuff anymore because he just doesn't ever listen to my feelings. He acts like I'm over reacting and just need to get over it. And it makes it seem like he is seeing if he can get me to break it off with him so he can feel like the bigger person. But, if that's the case, then why on earth was he so sweet to me today? Why does he always tell me how much he loves me. Why does he think that his behavior is different than my former guy friends that I don't even hang out with anymore. (One of them I just sent a friend request to, just to get back at my boyfriend... the one he is most afraid of me leaving him for. Lol) I just don't get it. And I'm so tired of being hurt. I'm to the point I don't even want to talk about how I feel because I know it's pointless. And I know that his family won't quit this stuff and it just hurts me so much that they can't stop meddling and being so mean to me.
2 people like this
7 responses
• United States
12 Apr 11
Don't sweat the small stuff. From what I've read he cares for you and I don't think he'll hurt intentionally. Get with him at the right moment to discuss what your feeling if you don't you'll just keep thinking about it, so you're obviously gonna need to get to the bottom of this and that's through his trust and love for you. Good luck
2 people like this
• United States
12 Jul 11
Thank you... at this point I now realize the wisdom of your words. I know that he would never hurt me intentionally now. In fact he is very vocal about wanting to prove his love. Lol. It's kind of funny and kind of sad.
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
12 Apr 11
It seems to me that you know already that his family will always be there to be in the middle and he always will allow this. Maybe just maybe because of them interfering you are a bit touchy. But that is to be expected since they interfere in everything you two do. You are right the surgery was something that you should have had a say in since you are his lady. His mother since he is allowing her to have a say is okay, but her making you feel as if you are on the outside is not! Now that he has had the surgery he feels as though he is freer to do as he wants to. Maybe he does want his freedom. But he would be the only one to know that. Some people do do as you say, try to make the other person in the relationship do something that would make them break it off with them so they could say it was "their fault". He may be doing that. You are the only one that would know this besides him because you know him and how he is. Now, if you are tired of being treated the way you are by his family and he just won't defend you or stand up for you and he thinks you are just being childish or whatever. But you think you have valid points to your views then either he must address them and listen to you or if he won't you then must make a decision as to what to do from here. What do you want from yours and his relationship? Do you think you will ever get this from him? Will things ever change between you and him for the better? Do you think you can make any changes to allow for the family to be more of a part in you and his life than a normal relationship is? Are you willing to continue going on as you are now? Make a list of things that you like about you and him. Make a list of things you don't like about you and him. Make a list of the things you are willing to just let slide. Now realize that no relationship is perfect and there will be things you will not like about every man you meet. Now what are you willing to deal with. I wish you the best dear and I hope you work out within yourself what you want. You need to be happy and content in your life no matter who you are with or if you are with no one for a while. Bless you.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Apr 11
Thank you for your concise information! It helps to put things into perspective really. I'm always around his family since he lives his his mother and takes care of her. His other family comes in and out of the house depending on if she lays a big enough guilt trip on them to come and visit her. It's a sad situation over there really. I have always put up with it because I love him so much and I figured that was just something I'd have to put up with for the time being until such as time as her health gives out or maybe on the odd chance that he decides to grow a pair and move out. I don't really see the second one ever happening. I do realize that no relationship is perfect. I don't seem to have the best luck with men, but my boyfriend seems to have been the best I've found so far. I don't know if this means I've hit the jackpot... or if I'm getting slowly better about picking men to be with. Lol Any man would be lucky to have me. I know this. And not in a conceited way... but in the way of realizing who I am and knowing what things of value I bring to a relationship. In the end I know I have to talk to him about this. I just hope he doesn't get angry for me bringing it up and I hope that I have the strength not to get all emotional over it and start crying up a storm. And, I hope that he has the brains to see that if this isn't taken care of... we really can't be together.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Apr 11
Oh honey, communication is the key to any relationship. If you and he can not communicate then you can not work anything out to start with. You two need to sit together and not around anyone else, just you two alone and talk. If he does not talk openly and rationally about things and stick to what you two decide on then you don't have anything to hold on to. Secondly, you love him yes this is true enough but love is not nearly enough to keep a relationship alive and going strong or otherwise. You can love someone with ever being of your heart and soul but you also need that respect, communication, and many more things. These things must be mutual. He must allow you to be a equal in decisions that are made that reflect or effect both of your lives. If this does not happen, well I don't have to spell it out to you. You are a very smart lady. You know what must happen if certain things do or do not happen. You have to find a time to speak with him. Not at or to him but with him, a time when is best that he will listen and contribute. Or hopefully he will. He needs to offer you the mutual respect that you have offered him. If you can not get this from you then there is no need in you wasting any more of your time with him. Just because you have not met a better man up to this point does not mean there are not any more out there. There are! Time will tell and one that is really truly right for you will come along, if he is not the true one for you. I was 36 when I met my husband and we are still together. He is my true love. We have had bumpy roads. But we are still together for 19 years. It took me that long. I was not looking for a man when I met him. I was working and just doing what I had to do to make my life what I needed it to be. I wish you so much luck.
2 people like this
• United States
11 Jul 11
Thank you... I have just now read this response (I'm late, I know) Although things have been getting better and better between he and I... they get worse and worse with his mother and his son. I need to get some alone time to talk to him because it is all getting very rough for me to handle.
@sashakiddo (1104)
• United States
13 Apr 11
I've been having the same problem as you. I think looking at it as an outsider, it seems that you are mostly insecure. Of course, it is reasonable that you are insecure - anyone would be if their partner's family was acting that way. My boyfriend's friends were rude to me as well. They kept telling him I wasn't the right girl for him, but they clearly didn't know him for who he really was. After all, he told me secrets that no one else knew. The main problem seems to be a matter of trust. Do you trust the guy to be faithful to you even when his family puts you down? In the end, it only matters what he thinks. If he truly loves you, he will defend you and listen to you. It will just be hard because they are his family, and people generally listen to their family or respect them. (Not me, but it seems many people do.) If the guy loves you, he will treat you no less than his family and he will make sure to give you an equal standing in his life. As for the Facebook issue - Facebook is just a problem in itself. It causes these annoying situations that everyone is subject to. It makes everyone's insecurities worse, so I would stay away from it. I had a terrible problem of looking at my boyfriend's page and making rude comments every time I was unhappy with his new friends or the comments that people gave him. I even hacked his page and wrote foolish things. In the end he got really mad and I learned my lesson. You haven't resorted to that, but is it worth it to let facebook get to your emotions? Adding a friend on facebook isn't like going on a date with someone. It really doesn't seem like the guy wants you to break it off.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jul 11
As I tell my boyfriend all the time, it's not him that I don't trust, it's the other women. I have known many women that time and time again even though they have husbands or boyfriend's of their own will try to steal a guy from another girl just because they 'can' even if he doesn't fall for it, it's still horrible because they kiss him (even if he doesn't respond) and fondle him and make it look like he is cheating as much as possible to destroy the relationship he is in if they can't get him to do so. It sickens me, and I've gotten very good at picking out the type of women that would do this. I do believe he is slowly but surely starting to realize that I am right about stuff like this most of the time and he is listening to me a little more about it as of late.
@sid556 (31005)
• United States
13 Apr 11
Hi Dismalgrin, It seems to me that his family is the biggest problem between the two of you. The problem is not only do they tell him what to do but that he listens without considering your thoughts as well. I'm surprised a doctor actually gave him a vasectemy. I didn't look at your profile to see where you are from or your age but here in the US I don't think they will even let a woman get her tubes tied unless she is past a certain age or already has children. The reason being is that it is permanent and they feel when you are very young your situations and feelings about these things can change. Now why did his parents want him to get one or did they just support his decision? It's such a personal choice. Now about the facebook friend. Is it possible that it was this girl that requested his friendship? Either way, it's not like he is cheating on you so I don't think you should get too upset by it. I have a lot of guy friends on my facebook and it's not a big deal. I'm thinking that it is his family trying to come between you that is probably bothering you more than anything. I would suggest that if you decide to stay with him that you find a way to ignore the family's comments and focus on your boyfriend. Obviously he isn't listening to them when it comes to you because you are still together.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jul 11
I am from the US too... in my area the rules about vasectomies and tubes tied are age 27 or 3 children which ever comes first. He is 28 and only has one child. So he qualified. It was a disaster of a procedure, but he and I have a deal that in 10 years he will have it reversed and we will try to have a child then. The idea is that we should both be much more capable of raising a child then and have the room and the naysayer (his mom) will probably have passed on by then. His mother wanted him to get a vasectomy because she didn't want to raise anymore children of his. Really stupid reason to push a vasectomy on your son. And when it got botched and it looked like it didn't work she sat there and told him that he would just have to keep repeating the procedure until it was done right! Thankfully my boyfriend learned a lot through the experience about how much he cares for me and values me input about life decisions and he told me that this was not going to happen. He said that when he goes for surgery down there again it will only be to have it reversed when we are ready... and if it didn't work... Oh well. It ended up working. And the girl on facebook? Turns out that she is a girl that he was childhood friends with. And she has made a lot of life choices that he finds disgusting. She friended him and he accepted it. And the only reason he has not deleted her is because she has a stupid Farmville account. I hold things in check about being friends with girls on facebook though. I deleted a guy friend of mine that he was very jealous of and I told him before he invites any girl to facebook he needs to question if it would be worth me having that guy as a friend again. This checks and balance system works out very well since he is a lot more open about his friends on facebook and I am the same with him.
@shaggin (37317)
• United States
13 Apr 11
I think if you are having issues with something you need to not hide it. You need to tell him how you feel and who knows maybe he will understand because of something you say and then you will be happy that you brought it up. If he goes into attack mode because you brought up a topic to discuss then that is wrong. If you truly feel you cant work things out then walk away. You dont want to stay with someone if they make you miserable its a waste of your life. I understand about the family issues my husbands family never really liked me much either.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jul 11
Hey, Shaggin... I have learned a lot about being open with him about stuff going on. He has learned to appreciate my past experiences and how I'm terrified of being left again. And with his Mom he might excuse her behavior many times, but now he has learned to help me out with this. We have finally gotten to that point where it's 'Us' and it helps a lot when dealing with his Mom.
@p3ks626 (6550)
• Philippines
12 Apr 11
If he is being mean to you, then its enough. You dont need more patience cause people who are mean to us dont need the kind of attention that they are getting from us. If he doesnt care if you are offended or hurt, then you dont deserve him. There's someone out there for you and he's not the one you have now.
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Jul 11
Yes, the problem is not so much with him, as it is with his Mom. And now that I have gotten to understand him a little better I know that she pushes his buttons till he gets testy. And when I'm at home and I flip out over something on facebook, she sits there and tells him that I'm being unreasonable, and he gets mad and and on the defense towards me about it. And then when we are together I'm able to help him see just what was going on. Like with that girl. I was able to talk to him and point out that I had a guy friend that he was very jealous of and I deleted him from my facebook account to calm his fears that this other guy would sweep me away from him. And he understood how I felt betrayed that he would add girls to his account that I might feel the same way about.
@tammytwo (4303)
• United States
12 Apr 11
It is always difficult to compete with family. You just have to decide if you want to continue to do so or walk away. Do you believe he will ever stand up for you? If not I believe you already know the answer.
• United States
11 Jul 11
He has been standing up for me as of late. Although the more he stands up for me the more heat we seem to get. Lol