Guilt bomb #2

@dawnald (84146)
Shingle Springs, California
May 6, 2011 2:37pm CST
Only this time R didn't do it to me (mostly), I did it to myself. So yesterday I did find out what his plans were. He thought it was obvious, but how can something that we haven't discussed in over a year be obvious? Anyway, he wants to tell the kids about the divorce when school gets out (so as not to impact their grades right before finals), then put the house up for sale, get an apartment, and wait and see what happens with his job. Could be he might have to move out of the area. A friend did tell me that as I dealt with this divorce stuff, there would be a lot of emotional things going on. Probably even more after we physically split. Well yesterday it was guilt. I felt guilty for "taking his family away from him". I felt guilty for not giving him another chance. And I felt just generally down. Down, why? Well really because I didn't want this. The honest truth is that if his behavior changed AND I still felt some love for him, I wouldn't be divorcing him. But I don't, I don't feel anything for him but friendship, so stuck between staying in the house, and keeping the family together in basically just a roommate situation, or splitting up, moving, and starting a new life, I chose to split up. But I don't like some of what I have to do, and I suppose it's going to be up down up down for a while. I guess that's normal...
3 people like this
16 responses
• United States
6 May 11
Hi Dawn, This emotional feeling is normal. I lived it and remember it well. Although no one can tell you what is right for you and your family. I do want you to take a hard look at what you want. Sure keeping in mind that it is for the best of the kids. See staying together would work if both are in agreement but as you see it now he is not communicating his intents so how will that work later when you are together but not really together. This up and down feeling is normal and sometimes it takes anger to sort it out. Time really will allow you to have a clearer mind in making the right decisions. You were with him for so long so for anyone to say, get on with it is not entirely right. You will not like a lot of the future spats and it will take a lot of patience to get through them for the sake of the kids. Just think one day we will be discussing how well you are doing despite all of it.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
I want to feel differently, but I don't.
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
6 May 11
I've said a lot on this topic but will only add one more thing. In the long run it is better for children to be living with one happy parent than with two parents who are both unhappy. My parents stayed together because of us and I received the backlash of anger and hostility. It was a nightmare. You know that you are doing the right thing. Guilt is normal and anyway Dawn, life is all about change and being flexible. Your children will adjust and so will you. Feelings of guilt are normal and it will pass. Just go with your instinct Dawn
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
Yep, yep.... but I don't have to like it! :D
@cynthiann (18619)
• Jamaica
6 May 11
No you do not have to like it. You probably won't like it for a long time but you will be free to do what you want to do. It takes time to adjust and you know that already. Probably harder for you than the children
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
Maybe it will be harder for me. I hope so really. This certainly is not their choice or their fault...
@celticeagle (118553)
• Boise, Idaho
7 May 11
I agree. It is normal. You will experience a whole gambit of emotions as you go through this. Being a good person one of them will be guilt. On a lot of levels. And wait til the kids chime in. Oops! Did I say that? I am relatively sure you can wait for that one. Give you a chance to practice your speach.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
I think I'm going to run away to Hawaii and give snorkeling lessons...
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118553)
• Boise, Idaho
9 May 11
That sounds fun. New Adventures of Dawnald!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
hahaha
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
7 May 11
NOt good to keep living together even for he kids. they will get the wrong signals. and dont ya think they have an idea after all this time kids are smart they might not really want o know but I bet they do knowsomething is veryu wrong
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
Yeah, of course they have an idea...
• United States
7 May 11
As hard as your divorce will be for you & your husband(soon to be ex-husband)it's almost always harder on the children. My brother didn't handle it at all well when my parents divorced. He started acting out & misbehaving at school. My Mom had a very hard time with him afterward. Me, personally I was glad to see my Dad go. He never showed either my Mom or any of us any kindness at all, so I was more then happy to see him leave.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
That is my fear, how it will impact the children...
@savypat (20246)
• United States
7 May 11
It's terribly hard, but let the past be past. The most useless words are could have, should have, would have and the most distructive ones are if only I had. Thoughts of these are all destructive to your well being. Life is what it is and that alone is plenty to cope with. Blessings
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
and "what if", "maybe", "if only"....
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
7 May 11
We need to get you a guilt shield. It is tough to splt after the two of you have been together so long...and the children involved makes it tougher but..you are not taking his family away. You are just choosing a different path and he can still have his children in his life. Life is too short and no marriage is easy but if you feel like it is over and you are going to be miserable if you stay...what else can you do? Hang in there.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
I think I'm past being miserable, mostly, he has been behaving more often than not, and I can find things to do that make me happy, but our relationship right now is basically just "roomies"...
@vandana7 (66037)
• India
7 May 11
If only we could know whether we are doing right before we do anything wrong. :) I too am feeling very sorry for R. He is losing a beautiful and excellent wife. And he is hurting Dawny. I too wish he'd changed himself some. Perhaps he didn't understand what needs to be changed. I just wish everybody is happy in the end.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
I know he's hurting. And we were in counseling for 2 years telling him over and over again what needed to change, he just wasn't ready to hear it, or didn't understand why...
@naija4real (1293)
7 May 11
I think couple should consider very strongly the impact of a divorce on their childen. children are the first to be affected by a divorce. Their lives never remain normal because they have to be devoted to two separate person that is their dad and mom and this person goes to live their lives apart.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
that is all I think about, but should they live with two parents who have a relationship that isn't normal?
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
7 May 11
It certainly is normal. I went through a divorce and although I knew at the time that separating was the best thing for us, when it came down to actually doing it caused me to have all sorts of doubts. Suddenly all the rotten things he had done to hurt me did not seem that big a deal and I went through regular periods when I would change my mind and regret what I was about to do. Deep down I did know it was the right decision and my life as it is now confirms that. It is a time to be a little selfish and think about your life and setting it up as you want it without any guilt. You deserve to be happy and free to possibly find love again in the future.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
boy am I having doubts, I look at the house and yard, and don't want to have to give it all up, or his help around the place, but it would just be a roommate situations, so...
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
7 May 11
I know what you mean. You have to do what you have to do. Sometimes it is for the best for both parties involved.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
Yeah, but it's hard. Maybe I just want everything, and can't have it...
@sedel1027 (17855)
• United States
7 May 11
I totally understand what you are writing! Even though when my ex and I divorced, I felt guilt because he needed support and had no one around. We had not been in love for a few years and had nothing more than a live in friend relationship for our son. The feelings made no sense.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
That's where we're at, friendly roommates....
@Opal26 (17690)
• United States
7 May 11
Awww dawn~ This is a really tough situation to be in and I know how it feels from the point of a kid whose gone through it. My parents had to sell our house(I was 10) when they separated and me and my brother were moved around for ahwile while they did it. Then my mother, me and my brother moved in with her parents. None of this worked and then my mother made the worst decison of all-she went back with my father, bought another house, he had a heart attack, we found out he didn't really have a job, was going out for the day and had a loan book in his pocket so he could give my mother his "fake paycheck". Sorry, just wanted to sum up how awful it could be and won't be for you and your family because you made the right decision!!!!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 May 11
I hope so. Right now I'm having serious second thoughts, but I think it's all really fear and not wanting to move out of my comfort zone.
• United States
6 May 11
You're not wrong here, and neither is him. You two simply grew apart I guess? There is nothing wrong with that as long as your kids aren't affected by it. Think of it this way, would you rather do this then live with someone whom you don't have feelings for? In the long run, you made the right decision.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
It was a bit more complicated than that, but basically yes.
@GardenGerty (100324)
• United States
6 May 11
I wish we could harness the power of a see saw or teeter totter. Those ups and down use so much or our energy. Yes, you will feel guilty, but this seems to be the best for all concerned. If he does have to relocate it will not disrupt the kids as much either. I am sure some of them are sensing what is going on.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
I'm sure they are too, especially Dearra.
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
6 May 11
I was so ready for my divorce that I thought it would be the best thing to move on....well the day I had to move...I just broke down and cried and cried...once I was in the apartment and settled in I was just fine....it was the packing and walking down memory lane that got to me....I hope it goes smoothly for you.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 May 11
And I'm sure it will be even harder for the children. :-(