What is a mother to do when her child is hurting?????

United States
May 7, 2011 9:52am CST
My daughter's boyfriend went to court yesterday. He goes back in January Thank god.. Now my daughter asked me to take her to see him. She is underge and needs me to take her there. That child does not understand I can't do it. He beat my daughter till she passed out and whenshe came to he beat her some more. My neighbor had to pull her out of his grip. My daughter is hurting and there is nothing I can do to help. I will not take her to the jail no way.
5 people like this
20 responses
• United States
7 May 11
I don't blame you for not taking her and would advise not to as well because you cannot encourage her that what he did was okay. She is young and with time she will learn. Unfortunately it will not be for a while yet but since it sounds like he is going to be there at least through January, who knows she is so young she may meet someone else by then. Being so young her heart will recover it will take time and or another love interest for her to move on.
• United States
7 May 11
I so hope this happens I am so tired of her cring herself to sleep over this man. hardworkinggurl I hope you have the best day possible tomorrow. Happy Mother's day
• United States
7 May 11
You too my friend Happy Mothers Day to you! Kisses and hugs!
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
7 May 11
No I wouldn't take her to the jail either. I just hope she doesn't find another adult who will. This is great though that he will at least be there till January. It will give her time to maybe forget about him or find someone else. Someone who will treat her the way she should be treated. Maybe you should have her watch some movies that show what happens when a boyfriend or husband beat up their wives or girlfriends and how they can die. I can't think of any right now. However, on Lifetime channels they tend to have alot of movies on this subject. Or maybe you know someone who has been abused that can talk some sense into her. As her mother she does not want to hear how you feel or think. However, if its someone else she may then get it. I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day and hope you have a wonderful weekend! God Bless!
1 person likes this
• United States
7 May 11
Everyone tried to talk to her already. She does not care about hearing it from anyone. Thanks very much..
@dorannmwin (36692)
• United States
10 May 11
You are doing the right thing as a mother to not take her to visit the guy in jail. However, even more than not taking her to visit him, she needs someone to really understand the mistake that she is making in her life by being hung up on him. She is far too young to be throwing her life away on someone that will end up killing her in the long run. It is hard to do, but you really do need to make that clear to her.
1 person likes this
@stephcjh (32385)
• United States
9 May 11
I would not do that either if that happened to my daughter. My daughter would beg me to take her to see who she is with also. I will never understand it. My daughter even chooses her so-called husband of barely 19 years old, over me. She spent the day with him on Mother's Day and had no time for me at all. Neither of them work either.
1 person likes this
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
8 May 11
Good for you!!!!! I would die before I took her there. I know it is hard because she believes so fully that it is what she wants to go, but you are the one that sets the examples and teaches strength. It will be hard and she will be upset but the truth is that she will remember it later and say..oh..that's why whe wouldn't.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
8 May 11
Wow...he has to stay in jail that long??? That's a long time but if he did that to your daughter then that is a good thing. I do not blame you:there is no way I would take her up to visit him. She probably just thinks she is in love at the point but maybe just talking to her could help a lot. Of course she is going to be mad at you for not taking her but maybe in time she will understand. I've been in an abusive relationship and they don't change. Trying to please a man like that only causes you to live in pain and fear, and to live miserably. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter
1 person likes this
@Cutie18f (9564)
• Philippines
8 May 11
She should learn her lesson by now. Why does she want to be beaten again? If that man and your daughter get together again, the cycle of violence continues. Enough should be enough.
1 person likes this
@Angelgirl16 (2177)
• United States
8 May 11
You are absolutely right. You should not take your hurting daughter to see the guy who cause her so much pain. I really wished that our young ladies would see that if a guy treats her poorly once he will continue to do so, if they are allowed to do so. I hope this one the very first time he did that to your daughter and I hope it is the last, but I am afraid if she continues to see him the partner abuse will continue. I don't know how old your daughter is and if you have very much influence over her, but try to get her to see that she deserves someone who respects her and would do nothing to hurt her. What her boyfriend did to her is not love, but domination and abusive. If she is not willing to listen to your advice maybe there is someone who can help her understand how serious being in an abusive relationship is. All you can do as her mother is to be there for her if she decides to continue this relationship.
@celticeagle (114341)
• Boise, Idaho
8 May 11
Good for you! It's tough. I know. But it would like taking your loved one right in a murder's grasp and handing them over. Ugh! Sure she is hurting and she may get ugly but how can you do such a thing?! I certainly understand your pain. Troubled children and situations like this are no fun. Stand tough though.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
8 May 11
Hi Gifts, Your daughter needs to get into councelling to find out WHY she puts up with what most women would run from. I left an abusive marriage and got councelling. I also read up a lot on abuse and the women who tolerate it. Councelling helped a lot and so did the reading. If she doesn't get help, she will just go from one abusive relationship to another.
1 person likes this
@gelayagui98 (1337)
• Australia
8 May 11
I definitely agree with your decision that you will not take your daughter to jail to visit her boyfriend. He hurts your daughter once, so if you let your daughter to stick to that man, for sure the hurting will be repeatedly done if you let her near him again. May God's Shower you His blessing always. Happy Mother's Day my friend!
@yoyo1198 (3644)
• United States
7 May 11
gifts....I don't understand why you haven't put your foot down and absolutely forbade this relationship. You are the mother. She is the minor/child/daughter. This child needs to be in some kind of counseling program if you are unable to do it yourself. Nothing good will come of her continued contact with her abuser. Your daughter does not need for you to be her friend. She needs you to be a mother as in 'older adult who knows best.'
• United States
7 May 11
Oh how I wish you could have seen how I fought hard to keep them apart. I feel like crying rght now. I can't do anything about it anymore. The case worker told her at the age of 17 I can't stop her from seeing him. she will be 17 on the 12th so I stopped hurting myself with this. she has to learn abut this man on her own,my fightng is over. I tried my hardest with this..
@yoyo1198 (3644)
• United States
8 May 11
I have always that age 18 was the age of majority. Is it different in the various states? I don't understand the 17 yr old being an adult.
@dodo19 (27759)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
7 May 11
You are absolutely right not to take to jail to see him. I wouldn't do it either, especially after she has gone through what your daughter has gone through. I think the best thing you can do is just be there for her, let her know that you're there for her whenever she needs you. Comfort her where you see her crying. As much as you might want to do more, sometimes that's just the best thing you can do, until she may ask you for something.
• United States
7 May 11
I wis tis was what could help her too. thank you..
@blogger01 (124)
• Philippines
7 May 11
I think it would be better not to take her there. It will help her recover faster from what had happened. The guy deserved to be in jail and your daughter deserves to get a peace of mind.
• United States
7 May 11
She is stressing out so much her grades fell to the lowest point. she my fail this year after all the hard work I went through to move to this neighborhood.
• United States
7 May 11
I am sorry to hear that your daughter's boyfriend treated your daughter like that. My parents would forbid me or they would disown me if I was in that position. However, even though your daughter is underage and you do not take her, I am sure she may find a ride to the jail to visit him. It's hard to cope with that because she feels like she loves him despite what he did to her. I think you're just going to have to re-enforce to her that if he loved you, he wouldn't have hurted you, hit you. Maybe you can relate your past relationships to her and try to put your shoes in her position. Sorry to hear and hope everything goes well.
• United States
7 May 11
She dooes not care about anything I have to say. She only wants him.
@GardenGerty (90227)
• Marion, Kansas
7 May 11
Sometimes when our children are hurting, it is for their own good. Like having dental work or a vaccination or taking medicine. This is one of those times. She is hurting, but it is for her own good, she does not need this man in her life. Stand your ground, do not give in. He is a user and an abuser. No woman should stay with a violent man, that includes kk and you as well.
@yoyo1198 (3644)
• United States
8 May 11
I agree, GG. Abusers do not change unless they are forced to do so. Either by incarceration or a treatment program of some sort. They definitely have anger issues and one never knows what is going to set them off. I've worked with many victims of abusers and none of them were able to change the men.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
7 May 11
When a child is hurting then it is a time that sometimes only a mother can comfort. It is the loving arms or a soothing voice or the simple gestures that can give a child what they need from their mother when they hurt.
• United States
7 May 11
I am here to give it to her.but,this is not what she wants. she wants him in her arms..
@zeloguy (4915)
• United States
22 May 11
As a parent there are decisions that need to be made. I guarantee that your daughter; when she grows up and becomes an adult, will understand that you were protecting her. Personally I think that any 'man' that touches a girl/woman should have their cajones cut off. It is not right in any circumstance other than literal self defense to touch a woman. I hope she is OK. Thanks Zelo
• Canada
11 May 11
The best thing you can do is what you are doing now. She will have no choice but to get over him in tome, even though it won't happen right away. If you allow her to give in to her feelings, and see him, it will only repeat the cycle. She's addicted to this guy, for some reason. Just support her in her efforts (even if they're not her choice) to get over him, and don't give in to her.
@carolscash (9503)
• United States
7 May 11
I am thankfult that you aren't planning to take her to see this man. Did you go to the court hearing? I hope that she is testifying against him. He doesn't deserve to be out of jail. That should be attempted murder against him. I know that your daughter still seems to want to be with him, but I think that the longer that she is without him the better off she will be. Why does she think that she should go to see him? Is she afraid of what he might do if she doesn't? Has he promised that he will never do this again? If so, he is lying! They always do it again. I was raised in a home where my dad would beat my mom and it is no life for a woman or her children. I survived and I have never allowed any man to abuse me. That was one of the first things that I ever said to my husband was that if he ever hit me, I would kill him and I meant it. I never want my children to remember the things that I remember. Tell her that as her mother you can't take her to see the man who beat her and tried to kill her and that you are only protecting her from this monster. Happy Mother's Day to you!