To be or not to be married???

Canada
May 25, 2011 1:14pm CST
I was married once a very long time ago and got a divorce after 6 months (we had been living 7 yrs total together) It was the happiest day of my life. I had met a man I fell in love with and we're still together after 30 something years. Last night I was talking to my SIL (the nice one lol) She is also living in sin with my brother and she said we needed to get married.....I said "you and me?" "No silly" she said, "me and your brother and you and your boyfriend" "what on earth for?" I said. I vowed to not get married again because my previous one (in court, not in church) failed miserably right after we married, so why ruin something great? She said that if we arent married, we wont be able to get half the pension for the surviving spouse. The law says that we are entitled to it if we can prove we have been living together. She said that the problem was to PROVE it and that according to a lawyer she talked to, it can take a very long time when you have to deal with civil servants. So she thinks we should have a quiet, double wedding. I dont know. I asked my cousin who's a lawyer and he says that yes we are entitled to it and yet it can be tricky. Im afraid that getting married might ruin what we have now. I mean Im happy with him, I love him to death and Id want him to have half my pension if Im to die before him but what if it changes everything? If you were in my shoes (ok I know you're not, but pretend) would you get married? PS: we dont have kids and my one and only nephew gets it all when we both croak.
3 people like this
13 responses
@larish (2195)
• Philippines
26 May 11
If he was asking you to marry him then go ahead. It's important that you two have the consent to get married. It should not be decided by you and your SIL. Kidding aside, since you've mentioned that you are willing to give him half your pension just in case you die first, then it only means that you feel responsible for him and would like to have a share of what you're suppose to have (if you continue living)then I think just to make things easy for him to have the claim on your pension (just in case)- marry him. This is to save him from any hassle. The same scenario applies if its the other way around. If he die first.
2 people like this
• Canada
31 May 11
Good joke!! well Ive decided we wont get married. It wont be such a hassle to prove that we were living together. We file income tax together and we also share the mortgage on the house. So its only a matter of making copies and sending it to the Government. Thanks for replying!!
1 person likes this
@larish (2195)
• Philippines
1 Jun 11
Hi MagicalBubbles, Thank you for appreciating my sense of humor. I am happy that you have made your decision on this.
1 person likes this
• Canada
3 Jun 11
I like a sense of humor....I have a wicked one myself lol. So dont be afraid to be funny in your reply on MY discussion.....I'll always be grateful for the humor!! Thanks!
@amitgune (877)
• India
26 May 11
What your SIL said is absolutely right. It is very tricky to prove in court that you have been living together, but with a proper will left by your partner, it can be done. However, whats the harm in getting married. If you have been living together for 30 years, I don't thing a small thing like getting legally can affect such a long lasting companionship. What has happened before inyour life is a thing of the past. Such things could happen to anyone. That has nothing to do with this scenario. These are two separate events.
2 people like this
• Canada
31 May 11
You're right, its nothing like the first time. He's nothing like my ex husband, thats for sure. Well apparently, according to my cousin, it can be proven very easily that we have been living together for so long. We share income tax and we also share the mortgage on the house. We also both have a will. Thank you for replying !!
1 person likes this
@stary1 (6622)
• United States
25 May 11
I like the idea of being married if you are together. I really do not think marrying could hurt your relationship. After 30 years I think it would be nice to make it official :)
1 person likes this
@stary1 (6622)
• United States
30 May 11
Congrats on making your decision. It is your life and your choice. I wish you all the best and a long happy life :) !!
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
Thank you Stary. I do wish you happiness and long life also.
@lajonez (478)
• Poland
25 May 11
Look, as you said we can't know exacly what is your sittuacion, but marriage can't make problems they're not exesiting, after time now dont you think that with the first relationship you had some issues that you both didnt see before marriage? I would go for marriage on your place, you both can make it just 2 of you :)
1 person likes this
• Canada
30 May 11
Well I managed to find the right information and Ive decided to not get married. I know I had a bad experience before but we dont need a piece of paper to know that we love and care for each other. Thanks for sharing!!
1 person likes this
@lajonez (478)
• Poland
30 May 11
good for both of you! the most important is love :) good luck with everything
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
You're right, the most important is that we do love each other. :)
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
25 May 11
I'd have to research this a bit more before I "took the plunge" as you shouldn't need to get married if you really don't need to lol. Have you spoke to your partner about it?
1 person likes this
• Canada
30 May 11
Hubby as I call him all the time lol says that whatever I decide to do he'll follow. He's always been this way. Im blessed!!! I did some research and called my cousin who's a lawyer and he says that I didnt have to be married.......SO........Ive decided that we will NOT get married. Thanks!!
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
31 May 11
• United States
26 May 11
If you have been living together happily for thirty years now, then I do not think that marriage is going to change that. I think that sometimes couples that do not live together before marriage encounter problems after they try to live together, because it is a huge adjustment. That would not apply in your case. I also think that sometimes people view the other person as their "property" once they are married, and that does change a relationship. However, after thirty years I do not think that would happen to you, either. Therefore, I think that if you want to, then it should be safe to get married and the only thing that should change is the security of knowing that you will be able to financially take care of each other as you grow old together.
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
Apparently we dont have to get married to be able to care for each other financially. So Ive decided to not get married and not have to think about that now. Thank you!!!
• Bulgaria
26 May 11
Marriage is in charge of something of my profesor I have learned something if two people want to have a succe successful mariage must look in on direction when looking in different direction will not be happy but will be tortured!
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
Yes it can be hell if you're not going in the same direction, you're right!! We have both decided to not get married, so we are going in the same direction now haha!! Thank you !!
• United States
26 May 11
Marriage is a label. Nothing more, nothing less. It does not manifest a commitment nor does it ruin anything. Both of those things are completely up to the people in the relationship. Marriage in and of itself doesn't change anything.
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
Of course its the people IN the marriage making all the difference. I knew that!! Thank you!!
• Thailand
26 May 11
oh,i think so
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
lol
@GardenGerty (104331)
• United States
26 May 11
I would have been married a long time ago. You are the same people whether married or common law. It is a loving thing to do to ensure each other's future with less headaches to deal with. That is just like one of the first things each of my husbands have done is get a good life insurance policy on themselves, so I would have something if they were to die.
• Canada
31 May 11
We both have life insurances so thats that at least. Ive decided we didnt need to get married as there are ways to prove that we have been together and get the survivor pension. I know that love is what makes it all go well. Good for you that your husbands had the decency to take good life insurance and obviously they trusted you then haha (joke)
@toniganzon (53392)
• Philippines
26 May 11
I think it's not the marriage per se that destroys the relationship. Whether you married him or not, you would surely end up separating for one reason or another. If I were. In your situation of course I would have some hesitations and doubts as I had previously been divorced and somehow that was quite traumatic. But then I should cast my fear away and think in reverse. If we are really meant for each other nothing can really separate us.
1 person likes this
• Canada
31 May 11
You're probably right. I remember my past experience with marriage and it wasnt a pleasant one. Well Ive decided to not get married because we dont have to. So if we are to split, it wont be because of that piece of paper haha!! Thanks!
• Jamaica
26 May 11
Marriage does make a difference. Its the psychological difference that makes the difference in the relationship. If you have a strong bond and there are no doubts or resentment in between you, if you are able to talk to each other and are best friends, marriage should give you peace of mind and strengthen the ties that currently exist. With marriage following a common law relationship (do you have that in your country?) some people get a feeling of "Aha, I've got you now!" and there is an attitude change for the worse as they are more relaxed in their behavior and the other partner "has" to accept whatever comes. Of course that doesn't work, The partner wonders where is the caring person they had lived with all these years and blames getting married for ruining the union. Sometimes the person is expected to change all of a sudden, be more responsible because they are now "married" as if that fact can change you into the perfect partner, with all that goes with that, be more loving, caring, do more housework, cook better, make love more often, even earn more (at the same job they had all along)! You both have to sit down and discuss it thoroughly and in detail to make sure that you can both handle any changes that might occur. Legally, it is better to be married. There will be no question of who is entitled to what. I have seen families split apart because of resentment over who got what and they were entitled to what they got! If you die before your partner your nephew will be legally entitled to question anything that you leave for him. No matter how well you think that you know him, once it comes to acquisitions you will never know how he will react after you go. Money is money and people can change when it comes into play.
• United States
25 May 11
I see that we are across the pond from one another so our laws may or may not be the same. I do know that here unless you are married you do not get the spouse's pension benefits. I was married once before for a loooong time. lol I did get divorced and several years later met my boyfriend for which we now live together. We have been living together now for six years and although I will not rule out marriage, I am very happy with the way we are. Neither of us speak about marriage and he too was married once before. Here the kids do get what we leave but only if they are under age, adults children will not benefit from the retirement fund. If there is personal assests and no one is named and we are not married, it has to go through probate court. So something to consider, but for us right now I won't say either one of us wants to get married at the moment. You should only do so if you wish and not because of laws, providing your partner also prefers to as well.
1 person likes this
• Canada
30 May 11
I asked my cousin and according to what he said, we dont have to get married. We file our income tax together and both our names are on the mortgage. So thats plenty of proof that we are together and living together. SO Ive decided to NOT get married You sound like you do know about your laws. Once you know the law, you can make the best decision. Thanks for sharing!