marriage arrangements; cruelty for your CHILD

Philippines
May 26, 2011 2:12am CST
I have talked to my friend. We've been catching up then suddenly he burst out, "I am not okay!" So, I went asking why and he told me the issue of getting married is again rising up in the family. His family, specially his father wants him to get married, and the timeline is JUNE of this year. 2011! I was so shocked. And he goes telling me about the marriage arrangements between parents. His dad, wants him to marry the daughter of one of the well off or wealthy family there in their locality. And dad said, it should be within the month of june. He don't know what to say, and he said, he doesn't even like the girl. Worst, the girl is older than him. He's so depressed and he's devastated with the decision of the family. My friend just don't know what to do. He doesn't love the girl. Don't even like her. But he doesn't want to disappoint his dad. don't you think it's cruelty? Some cultures should change... hmmmm
20 responses
• United States
26 May 11
It seems more selfish than cruelty. The father needs to realize he's a grown man and knows what he want in and out of life. It's not fair to him to be forced upon somebody he has no feelings for. I don't think God will approve of that. Marriage is built on love, honor, trust and honesty...amongst other qualities. Tell him not to be depressed but to be a man and express his wishes/feelings to his father. As a man, regardless of the culture his father should hear what he has to say and respect his decision. In life we all disappoint our parents at some time but he should also speak up. A marriage is not sacred if both hearts are not in it
2 people like this
• Philippines
26 May 11
It's how their ethnic culture works. The tribe where his family belongs usually do the marriage arrangements. yeah, I told him to try to find ways that he'd be able to tell his father everything about the arranged marriage... His father looks up to him so much, and so proud of him, because he's the breed winner of the family, he graduated with flying colors in college, and he's never done anything that disappointed his father. And now, he's afraid that if he'd refuse to marry the girl his father might be disappointed and be broke by what he'd do. He's been living to please and to make his dad proud. And he actually did, up to now, his dad is still a proud dad. And he doesn't want that to be tainted. A real hard situation.
• United States
26 May 11
That is a difficult situation and even harder when it envolves a certain culture. I guess its easier said than done and I can understand to a certain point. I still belive that it wouldn't hurt to have him sit down and talk to his father. Regardless of the culture, communication is always the key. Maybe he doesn't like the girl because he is being forced into this situation. He may just need time to get to know her and she'll grow on him. He should explain that to his father and maybe the arrangement can be rescheduled. Hopefully it all works out for the better and his father understands rather than see it as a disappointment
• Philippines
27 May 11
Ah yes the culture dictates how he should behave. But you have a point, it wouldn't hurt to sit down with his dad and talk. This is a pretty good view and advice. thanks. I should tell him about this.
@SIMPLYD (86519)
• Philippines
27 May 11
It would be better if the man will talk with his father about how he feels about the whole thing. Sometimes, there are decisions of our parents which doesn't suit us , so we have to speak up. I think arranged marriage is a cruel tradition of our ancestors. It deprives our children the joy of having a happy marriage. It mostly eventually lead to infidelity. It is after all them who will suffer the consequences of having a loveless marriage not the parents so the parents insist on this. I think , this notion of parents should be strongly opposed.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 May 11
Yeah, I actually told my friend about our fellow lotters reaction and views. Including your comment here. And suggested that he talk to his father and explain his side, good news. His dad listened to him and they're now okay. Canceled the marriage. And dad asked him to find the girl he wants to marry, and dad wants it to be soon. hehe :)
@SIMPLYD (86519)
• Philippines
30 May 11
So you see chuyins. Had he not conquered his fear of talking with his dad about it, he could have just followed it and be miserable for the rest of his life. Nice to know that he had surpassed this problem.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
28 May 11
anything that has been done against the will of an individual be it a child or not, is indeed cruelty. we should honor free will and uphold our free will. marriage arrangements is very cruel coz it forces someone to be with someone he or she doesnt really love.
• Philippines
30 May 11
Yeah, I really think that marriage should be something personal. That's something that should be primarily decided by the immediate parties. In this case, should be decided by my friend and his partner to be not by parents. The parents should just give their consent to the decision, not that they have to make the decision for their children. Well, there's a good news now though. I have just recently talked to my friend, and dad already canceled the marriage arrangment. Instead, he was asked by his dad to find his love and marry that woman soon. :)
@andy77e (5165)
• United States
27 May 11
I don't know. I see your point. I understand what hardship this must be. But choosing your own mate isn't working so well in the US. We have people that marry and divorce and marry again, and divorce again. I've seen guys that four or five ex-wives, with children they never get to be with, and have messed up their whole lives over this. I've met women beaten by their husbands, and ruined financially, and left broken and empty. The average divorced American citizen is on their 3rd or 4th marriage last I read. Sometimes I think it would be better if parents arranged marriages so people would end up with better spouses. But then, I wouldn't want my family to pick a wife for me, just because she is from a wealthy family. So I understand the other side. I wish there was a better way.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 May 11
The information you've given are just so hard and very informative. I hope the new generation could take a look at that and learn the lesson. Well, as for my friend, he was given freedom now. He talked to his dad, and his father listened to his explanations. They canceled the marriage arrangement, but his dad asked him to find the one he loves and get married the soonest possible time. Happy for him now, I just hope he finds the right one soon. :)
27 May 11
It's really up to the guy. From what I understand, many guys that are forced into an arranged marriage have girls on the side. Why shouldn't he? At least he'll be happy (I suppose). You can't change tradition very easily and unfortunately you friend got caught up in it. He may not like her but in these hard economic times it may be worth it. They say, "Marry the first time for money and second time for love." Or he can just get a mistress, whichever he prefers.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
30 May 11
Hi well, my friend already talked to his father. And they quite resolved the matter in favor of my friend. Happy for him.
• Philippines
26 May 11
That's quite a bit of a sad story. Unfortunately, some cultures are still forcing their kids to marry at a certain age with a partner of a certain stature. I do know someone who has been forced to marry a guy he just met a day before their engagement party. The girl was so surprised when she came home to their hometown to visit her grandparents and on her first night, it was sort of announced that she was getting engaged to someone from their own neighborhood or something. The guy had a certain status I must say. The girl, being the obedient granddaughter she was, didn't have a choice and just heed her grandparents' wishes. In your friend's case, if there's a hope that he could get out of that marriage he's going to commit to, then he should really try his best to get out of it as soon as possible. Sometimes, moving away could be a temporary but effective solution and being an independent person could also help. Sometimes, kids need to prove something to their parents. If, worse comes to worse, then he must stand up for what he feels and what he believes.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 May 11
Ah yes, and his case was worst. He didn't even go home. Dad just called that he's already getting married. They sent him the pictures of the girl and off his dad goes. Saying, he's gonna marry that girl the latest would be by end of June. The only way out is to disobey. Meaning to tell his dad, he's got to find someone he loves, and that he doesn't want the girl. But "their culture dictates" that if the parents have already decided, you shouldn't disobey, because it's detestable to the tribe. Children should obey their parents. That's the rule. Well, I told him already that he should sit down with his dad. And tell his dad how much he respect him, and want to live up to his standards, but this is not something that his dad should dictate, it's too personal. And maybe he should ask this, as a favor from his dad, that he be given free will to choose the woman who would be his partner for life. Some cultures should really be changed. And this is definitely one of them. :)
@ludyvel04 (311)
• Philippines
26 May 11
Of course. Its like a human rights violation to manage one's life specially if that person is already on the right age to decide for his own life or destiny. Even God created us with our own free will. He lets us to decide whether to follow Him or not. He has the right to fight for what he is right and fair.
• Philippines
15 Jun 11
Surely it's a human rights violation.Maybe his father is allowed to make suggestion of whom he preferred for marriage for his son but the final decision lies totally on him.The parent's role is only to guide our children not to force our children against their will.Is their a law in your country that protects people from that kind of cruelty?
@kumakuma (84)
• Malaysia
26 May 11
Yeah, I think some cultures should change. My parent also has this type of marriage but still they live happy. But being married to older women and yet she is from the wealth family. there must somethings that his father hide from him.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 May 11
The sad thing is, you can't ask your father why that woman. Because all they're gonna tell you is, "we believe that woman is right for you"... and that's it. If you refuse you might be condemned by your family. It's really hard for him. So cruel for his heart.
@toniganzon (53688)
• Philippines
26 May 11
Wow! Can't believe that arranged marriage still exist in our country. I thought that this kind of tradition has long been gone. I would like to see the point of view of his parents as I sternly believe that no parents would harm their children intentionally. They're just too concerned of his future that they would rather decide for him. In line with this thinking, I can conclude that the parents don't trust him with his own future. Another view might be social acceptance. Most family in our country would like to have a good standing in our community as social status is considered as one of the most important thing . However, this is pure selfishness. I pity your friend and if I were in his situation I might just run away.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 May 11
Yes, it still exist and very much alive in the culture and lives of our brothers and sisters who belong to a certain tribe in Mindanao. It might appear selfish, but it's how their family and their community lives. He's already a Certified Public Accountant, and he's been keeping his father proud ever since. He said, he don't have questions of argument of marrying at his age, it's just that he wants to marry the one he loves. Sad thing here is, the girl's family and his already agreed (considered done deal). So, if he ever refuse to marry the girl it's a great disaster for their family and the girls. Which might even call for a war, they call it "ubusan ng lahi" because it is deemed to be an insult to the girl. Considering that the girl is wealthy, it's not impossible for them to declare such war. Real sad and complicated situation. What I just did is pray. And told him to pray too. Really very sorry for him. And if he ran away, his father would be totally devastated, his father is an old man now. So he's in a pretty shaky and rocky situation. God help him.
@skysuccess (8881)
• Singapore
27 May 11
chuyins123, I am sure there's are laws protecting your friend from entering this marriage but not without consequences like being cut off from his family and/or inheritance. Honestly, I do not feel that your friend is anywhere near hopeless, especially coming from your country which practices human rights unreservedly. So, it will be up to him to talk to his parents about calling the wedding off as amicably as possible. Failing which he could either accept it or fight it out in a civil court. Again, it will be entirely his to decide and it is all that doomed if he could look at the bright side of things - starting he does not have a partner socially yet.
• United States
26 May 11
Thats how some culture are. Its not cruelty to them because it is how they function. I dont know what culture your friend is from but if he is even at the point where he knows that this isnt something he wants to do then I think he should do what he wants.But becareful because I have known friends from other cultures who did something that wasnt allowed and they were disowned by their parents and friends. I wish your friend well and I hope he figures things out.
1 person likes this
@polaris77 (2031)
• Bacau, Romania
26 May 11
I also agree that some cultures should change;how can anyone get married against his or her will?Doesn't your friend's father realize how wrong it is to force his son to marry a girl he doesn't even like?If that happens,your friend will probably be unhappy for the rest of his life,and the girl since she won't get any afection from him.I like cultural diversity and the fact that each nation has its own customs and traditions which must be respected and preserved to a certain extent,but sometimes changes need to be made and I guess this habit of arranged marriages should disappear.
1 person likes this
@Galena (9123)
26 May 11
I disagree with you there. I think it's worse that they want him to marry someone he doesn't like than someone that's older than him. I think he needs to grow a spine, and not be forced into a loveless marriage just because his family think it's a good idea. what any good parent wants is for their child to be happy. if he is miserable for the rest of his life, how will that make his parents proud?
1 person likes this
• United States
26 May 11
That's a tough one when you are talking about cultures like that. In some cultures it's just accepted and a child would never even consider looking for a mate they just wait for the parent to decide and trust them. I am not sure what I would do...I hope he can find a healthy balance between discussing it with his father and considering his father's wishes..
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
26 May 11
For me yes but if they know how to be in that case the responsibility take good care of there child when it sick so hard without the money.
@Hatley (164450)
• Garden Grove, California
27 May 11
chuyins123. as an American I do find it sort of cruel but I know in India thats part of their culture so it is hard for me from another country to know what to say. He cou ld move out on his own and find a girl he loves and marry her., I know he loves his dad and does not want to disappoint him but I feel marriages should be between men and women who genuinely do love each other.Yes its time for that culture to change and not be so cruel making their adult children marry with people that they do not like let alone love. change is really needed.
• Philippines
30 May 11
Ah yeah, and well, the good news is. They've talked. my friend and his father. His dad understand his arguments and accepted. They cancelled the marriage arrangements for his sake. happy for him now. Some culture are at some points detrimental to the new generation...
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
25 Jun 11
hmm i have heard a lot about marriage arrangements, being a chinese i was exposed to quite a lot of these too. i have also heard stories from my mother, and my uncle's friends who have had an arranged marriage. and well some do stay in the relationship out of shame, to save their faces, and their family's name.
@2004cqui (2823)
• United States
21 Jun 11
Marriage arrangements can be a good thing. The problem is when someone abuses their power. I've known people in arranged marriages. They were allowed to make both the decision to go into an arranged marriage and who they would get married to. The parents arrange getting a list of appropriate women to pick from. The woman accepts or declines the offer. Everything is of mutual agreement. I'm glad he has made his family proud. But I know personally how hard it is to say "enough is enough". My mother couldn't stand my success. Tough! Easy to say, hard to do.
@besthope44 (12145)
• India
4 Jun 11
Hi Chuyins, Am really sorry to hear this. I would say your friend should burst out now to their parents. I wonder still parents believe money will make life happier than heart. He should say a big No to marriage and by that way he dont spoil another girls life as well. He has to prove, if required, stay independent and live his life. Sacrifices can be wonderful, but unhappy sacrifices not required at any cost!
@dodo19 (34300)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
27 May 11
It does seem to be rather selfish. I understand that all cultures are different and view things differently, but it seems that sometimes there should perhaps be more freedom even with arranged marriages. Or at very least, it still just seems that parents should respect and take into consideration their children's opinions, especially when the children are adults.