I'd Like To Think I've Learned From Past Mistakes. How About You?

@Janey1966 (24127)
Carlisle, England
May 26, 2011 7:26pm CST
I have lived with only 2 guys in my lifetime and the second one (John) I married, of course. However, the first guy (Steve aka "Blobby") I lived with in the early 90s. At the time I thought he was wonderful, I really did and it wasn't long before we moved in together into the first of 6, yes SIX flats in 2 years! What I fail to understand now though is; why did I allow him to manipulate me in certain ways? The main one was skiving from work! He was a Postman but very rarely got up to actually go into work. In those days a Postman had to be in the depot extremely early and Blobby couldn't quite manage it, so would invariably stay off. Now, instead of me nagging him about this I ended up doing what he did and skive from work. In fact, I very nearly lost my job because of it. Is this what he wanted? Did he want us to go down the "benefits" route (as he did with his next victim)? Who, incidentally, he got pregnant but left her after he got bored with the baby. I wonder! I wouldn't mind but I didn't even have an exciting time skiving off with him. In fact I was bored stiff! Thank God I left him, I say but it did take me 2 years to do so. Why is that? Was it due to my age and the fact I was in my early 20s and a tad naive? At least I managed to move on and learn from all this. Do you think we have to experience bad in order to appreciate the good?
3 people like this
16 responses
• United States
27 May 11
hi janey1966, I understand how you feel because I also learn hard way for my past mistakes. mainly it was about my boss who often did verbal abuse to me and his employees. actually he still had a family relation with me. i worked for him for 3 years. at first, i already felt this person had problem in emotion management since he always said rude things to his employees every time we made small or big mistakes. I thought it's just his ways to educate us to work better. but he scolded us more and more rudely every day. my lesson is: I was so stupid to just stay quiet when he said rude words to me, almost everyday. I realized I made mistakes in job, but it did not mean I deserved to be insulted, right? he even said bad things about my family members. what did I do? I just stayed quiet and accepted his insults without fighting him back. and I survived consuming his insults for 3 years. now I feel like a crazy stupid man. indeed, i'm not a type of person who can defend my self very fast when somebody attacks me verbally. I usually need some times before I realize that somebody has insulted me. unfortunately it is already too late when I realize it. but this experience has taught me to be able to think fast and respond in the right way to anybody who insults me. so, my point is: we don't have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. but experiencing the bad can help us appreciating the good when we have learned from it, changed our attitudes about it, and finally made it work for us:)
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
That's awful how you were treated at work. I reckon you were bullied. I've experienced something similar and it's not very nice is it? Each negtive experience makes us stronger, not weaker. The person doing the bullying is weak; you are strong and I can tell that just by reading your post.
• United States
27 May 11
hi janey, it was very not nice. that's why until now I'm still confused how I could survive working with that bully for 3 years. yes i believe that experience makes me stronger if i meet similar or even harsher condition next time. I hope we learn together from this similar past mistake and change our attitude to prevent it from happening again in our life.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
28 May 11
There is a massive support network here on MyLot so you know where to come if you're stressed.
• United States
27 May 11
One thing I have learned in my life is to appreciate all the steps in my life. With this I mean that I have grown so much from each and every mistake I have endured. I am very open minded and do try to assess why things happen to come up with it's reasoning. Therefore, yes my bad and good experiences in my life I find to have appreciated them because they somehow have guided me into not turning out any differently then who I am today. See good or bad I find that I am a very caring person and not allow any bad or good instances take that from me.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
I appreciate your words my friend, I really do. Life in general has its ups and downs and I reckon we go through phases..a productive phase where everything is rosy, then a challenging phase where we try to do the right thing but find it difficult, whether it be a relationship with someone or work..anything. I am a great believer in good outweighing the bad. It may take years for the bad to be weeded out so to speak but good prevails..every time. This is why I hold on to my optimism as without that I'd have been in a box long ago!
• United States
27 May 11
I ABSOLUTELY agree with hardworkinggurl. I was in a similarly bad relationship for 5 years and people are surprised when I say I don't regret it. The reason I have no regrets is because I would not be the person I am today if I had not gone through that. I also feel that if it wouldn't have been him, it would've been someone else. Janey, you should be happy that you made it out alive and now you have your husband John, who I am sure is AMAZING! :)
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
28 May 11
Hello amango83. Yes, it's true, without our past experiences we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good ones that come along..and they always outnumber the bad, unless you are extremely unlucky in life. Love the Liz Taylor avatar. Such a beautiful woman and sadly missed.
@lajonez (478)
• Poland
27 May 11
I also learned many things from my mistakes, I started appreciate myself and my own will not what people expected from me. I was manipulated too but my friends were the once who controled my behavior, but I took advantage of this and now I'm not letting anyone to make me feel like this anymore, I know who am I and what I want from life, I will never give up my dreams for someone else. I'm very happy with my husband and he accept and respect me, trying always to pull me up :)
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Awwww, I love that comment you make about your husband at the end there. I guess my husband has always been there for me too and I'm supportive of him at the moment, what with his poorly leg and everything. That's what partnerships do, right? Support one another. As for Blobby, that relationship was so one-sided when I think back now but I have learned from my mistakes and I've never repeated them..thank goodness. I realise no-one is perfect and have learned that people CAN change but only if they want to. No-one can make another person change their behaviour, it's up to the individual.
@lajonez (478)
• Poland
27 May 11
Before I met my husband I was not trusting anyone, and I was not this person I used to be, I was affraid I'll again fall down:/ Yes, partner should be partner ;)
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
28 May 11
@ElicBxn (60884)
• United States
27 May 11
some people do, and some learn pretty quickly (2 years) rather than others who learn more slowly...
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Believe me, those two years felt like a lifetime but at least I made the decision to leave. Naive I may be; stupid I most certainly am not.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60884)
• United States
28 May 11
I'm sure they did, but since you didn't lose your job - OR have a baby - you were pretty darn SMART!!!
@derek_a (10902)
28 May 11
Hi Janey... I would say, in a word, "karma". I have gone down some weird roads and at times was wondering what I was doing! But there seemed to be some irresistable impulse within me to go that way. When I was a musician, things became tough at one time, and work was thin on the ground for everybody, so I got a day job as a company rep for a cake and confectionary company. I was there about two or three years and one day, found myself wondering why I was going a job that I had grown to hate. I gave notice to quit without knowing what I was going to do for money and the following day had a phone call from an agent that I had contacted years before with the offer of a musician's job in Manchester. It fit together perfectly like a glove. If I hadn't had quit my rep's job, without working notice, I would have been in breech of contract with them and all sorts of difficulties could have arisen. However, it hasn't been all plain sailing in my life. Life has thrown some really nasty obstacles in my way at times that I didn't feel I got through very well. But as a Zen practitioner, I have seen how without some pain and struggle, I wouldn't have become a therapist, that was my final career for the last 30 years, or a Zen practioner, that I feel has given me so much insight into life. _Derek
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
29 May 11
Awww!
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 May 11
Some people just seem to get lucky and fall right into the best of circumstances and stay their all their lives. The rest of us end up in the wrong circumstances with the wrong people, and hopefully most of us learn from it.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
My Mum's friend (who recently lost her job) soon got back into a similar one and wasn't even interviewed. She was contacted by phone out of the blue. Mum's pleases for her as she's known her a long time but it's an example of how some people just land on their feet and they don't even realise it.
@BarBaraPrz (19864)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
27 May 11
How does that saying go? "I've learned from my mistakes and am confident I can make them all over again..."
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
1 person likes this
• Philippines
27 May 11
Yes, life experiences are our best teacher. I'm happy to say that I'm so thankful to my past mistakes cos only because of them I change for the better. It's not easy to look at mistakes positively, but that's what I try to remember every time. Thanks for sharing. See you around!
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Yes, I try taking the positives out of certain situations as well. I'm glad my negative relationship happened when I was younger and it isn't happening now. Do you know what I mean?
@vandana7 (65062)
• India
27 May 11
I guess you are right Janey. Experience the bad to learn how to appreciate the good. So glad that John is nowhere near Blobby. But hey, you can put it down to your innocence. At least you know you were not born a shrewd and manipulative person. That means you are a nice person!!!
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
I'd like to think so!
@GreenMoo (11842)
27 May 11
Isn't it amazing what we can recognise in retrospect?
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
That's so true!
• China
27 May 11
For such a guy who lacked the sense of responsibility and ignored his proper occupation,You had no choice but to be divorced from him.You had made a good decision.One doesn't know everything much less you were just a little over twenty and had scanty experience of life by then.Learning from past mistake goes for everybody.As the saying is,A fall into the pit, a gain in your wit.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Love that last sentence!
@SIMPLYD (79762)
• Philippines
27 May 11
I guess, you're being so young, 20 at that , and so in love with him, made you stay with him for those 2 years. However, you only realized that he was the wrong man, when you also nearly lost your job because of him. Sometimes, we only realize what we are doing as a big mistake, when we see ourselves not being our true selves anymore, but as someone who conforms to somebody manipulating our lives.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Oh, yes, I can identify with me changing whilst I was with him..and not for the better. I could feel my personality altering, I was more tetchy with people and laughter wasn't happening anymore. I dread to think how suppressed my personality would've been if I'd stayed with Blobby but I got out when it all became too much and he was cheating on me anyway, so there was no point being with him in the end. I deserved better! My Mum kept telling me this back at her house. It took me ages to trust anyone after that experience and I lost loads of weight through depression...but I bounced back (like I always do) and eventually got married, something I thought was beyond my reach, especially in my early 30s. I was 42 when I finally got hitched!
@hskhsk (5)
• Australia
27 May 11
yes I have made many mistakes and only wish it took just two partners to find the right one. I am still learning from my mistakes and I am in my forties. I think to grow you need to make mistakes and learn from them. That is what our youth is for, so we can learn how to be adults. We need to go through the process of making mistakes and learning from them it is how we find ourselves and make better life choices.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
Believe me, once I reached 40 I never realised I'd get married. For many years I did go out with a few guys but none lasted. I guess I wasn't ready to settle down with anyone and had spells of being lonely, despite living with my parents. Love will surprise you, that's what's so magical about it.
@kumakuma (84)
• Malaysia
27 May 11
I think until now, I have learn somethings in my life. My life is hectic. my parents is busy with their job and they don't have time to spend with the family. I cooked for the family and by the time my parent come back from work, the meals already serve in the table for dinner. But I still have to do my homework and do my activities in school and get involved in society. And now, I'm in College, I realize that I can manage my time doing social activities and Assignment that have been given my lecturer on time. My mom trained me very well on how to manage my time wisely and now, I can do multitasking job..
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
You can come round and help me if you like lol. You sound like an extremely organised person and your Mum has trained you well, I can tell.
@GardenGerty (99413)
• United States
27 May 11
Either we have to have some bad things happen to us, or we have to be observant and learn from someone else's mistakes. Then we still go on to make a different variety of mistakes. I had some people in my family, like my older sister who made mistakes I learned from so I did not make the same ones she did, but rather made my own variety.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
LOL. My Mum's sister is like that..continually making mistakes i.e. picking men that are no good for her. I don't think she's in a relationship now as she has had so many failures. The guy she married though was the love of her life but even he left her. She wasn't expecting this at all and went off the rails for a bit. I hope that, when she looks back on it she will realise that he didn't love her. He only married her because she was pregnant and that's what happened in the 60s. My cousin has often said she has the "wrong mother" as my Mum, of course, has stayed with my Dad, despite many arguments along the way! One thing my Dad is though, is loyal and life would be boring if they agreed all the time!
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
27 May 11
Nobody likes to admit the many mistakes they have made. it can really undo your confidence and self esteem to be embarrassed and ashamed and guiltridden over our mistakes. it would certainly make mistakes so much easier to bear if we feel that we have learned a lesson in making them.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
27 May 11
I've learned mine and I've also learned that I'm not perfect either. Hard to admit but it's true!