He is not listening, he does not understand me

India
June 13, 2011 11:14am CST
Are the top two complaints women have on men especially when they are living together for some years. Is man really not listening? Or the woman does not talk interestingly? Can't the man really understand his woman? Or the woman is a mystery? Just wondering... May be you can throw some light on this dear Mylot friends.
3 people like this
18 responses
• United States
13 Jun 11
Interesting topic you have choosen. I will be the first to say, that I sometimes feel that my hubby doesn't listen to me, but to be perfectly honest with you, I am also at fault, because I do the same thing to him. Women want to be heard, they want to be acknowledge and we talk with our boyfriends and/or husbands we want them to feel what we are saying and be understandable to our feelings. My husband luckily pays alot of attention to me and is always giving me advise, sometimes I want to hear them, but sometimes I just want to listen, so that I can spill my guts. But I guess I am one of the lucky ones.
2 people like this
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, fabsprecious, I am glad to note you agree that the fault is with you too. Yes, you are right. Both men and women make mistakes. They have ego, they want to take but hesitant to give. They want to change their partners but reluctant to change.
• United States
14 Jun 11
I totally agree, not matter how much you try it is very difficult to change you partner and everyone makes mistakes, I personally believe that everyone has fault at one point or another no matter the gender.
• India
14 Jun 11
I fully agree with you fabsprecious . But I have seen a few couples who have the best understanding and interest through out their lives. They have that spark of love burning all through their lives. They have the same interest that they had before during dating.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
14 Jun 11
Men never listen sweetie. Whether it's a couple living together or married or just those in a relationship. Men's ears doesn't seem to function properly. Women talk sense, maybe that is why men don't listen.
1 person likes this
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, saphy sweetie, I missed you. So, you say men need ENT specialist? And women talk sense?? Is it a joke sweetie? If women talk sense, men would love to listen to them all the time and they will not watch football matches. Women talk sense sometimes, they can talk even when there is nothing to talk about. Vandi may be able to explain it better.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
14 Jun 11
Let's wait for Vannie then.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
14 Jun 11
Of course; we can talk when there is nothing to talk about. It is our special skill Vijayanths and men cannot match it.Don't you agree that it is indeed a special talent Saphrina?
• United States
14 Jun 11
Hi vijayanths and a warm re-welcome back. I have not seen you for a while and hope all has been okay? Oh that is a complete no-no for me, see I too had this situation with my ex-husband. It completely boils down to being taken for granted. Whereas sure they are listening and do understand but do not care to exert any effort. I refuse to be taken for granted as there are times that something is quite important and then it may not be, but I deserve to heard just as much as I exert the effort to listen to the other person as well. One of the beauties I have with my boyfriend is that open communication is a plus for the both of us. He was listening when I first stated that being taken for granted I would not tolerate. I am truly blesses as when I speak he completely turns around to face me and listens to me. I suppose those who do take their partner for granted is because they are sure the partner will tolerate and will always be there no matter what.
1 person likes this
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, hardworkinggurl, thanks for remaindering me and for the warm welcome. Everything is fine. Thanks pal. Men and women are very different. Women want to talk, sometimes even when there is nothing to talk, They want their men to listen to them, they want their men to appreciate them, care them and act as they wish. They want to change their men.
1 person likes this
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi OP, Not enough to start a new respond, so I'll comment here: I missed you too! And Hi HWG, I missed interacting with you too!!!
• United States
14 Jun 11
vijayanths, you are right about that that we do want to be listened to at all times, it seems. I have been truly blesses as my boyfriend does give me full attention, even after 7 years. lol Hi hora, gosh it has been so long. I miss you also.
@Buchi_bulla (8299)
• India
14 Jun 11
Unlike earlier days, the present generation marry at an advanced age i.e. after 20+. By then they have well developed personality and are independent individuals. They have their own thoughts, preferences and convenience and inconveniences. It takes time to get adjusted to each other. If the determination is there to get adjusted and live an understanding life, then their approach will be as per that. Still any differences occurring can be sorted out by mutual talk. Woman does not pour everything out from her heart. She gets pleasure if man understands her likings on his own. That is a happiness which both man and woman can get in this way. Let the man take it as challenge and try to understand her. What is there?
1 person likes this
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, Buchi, you definitely made some good points here. I agree with you that the present generation get married late than those of our generation. Both are independent in all ways. But a ship needs only one captain. It's good if the man takes it a challenge to understand his woman, but who is ready to take the challenge?
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
14 Jun 11
Women and men think differently and a wife or husband has to make peace with it. The women of our generation [at least many of them] were mature enough to accept this and bend to their husbands' wishes and back him up. We used to try and understand our husbands better than what they did and we would all stop questioning this at a particular point of time. Women have a complicated thinking process and would have umpteen things in their mind. When they are educated, are self-respecting , their expectations reduce and they won’t expect their man to understand their inner complications and demand it of him. Another problem is that the women should have an independent activity that keeps her occupied. If not it is trouble for her man. On the whole woman is a mystery; man should not try to understand her because he cannot. It is silly of her to expect it of him. I had a wonderful mail forwarded to me and I am pasting the important things in it below here. At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear” the rules" From the female side.... Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1.. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problemonlyif you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 1.Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, notAcolor. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We haven idea what mauve is. 1.If it itches, itwillbe scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh. Hope this gave you a nice laugh. Coming back to the point, women do have a complicated thinking process and do not worry too much over it. Just assert yourself and be done with it. They don’t hesitate to do it.
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, Kala as usual your response is so good and thought provoking. Our generation men and women were adjustable, flexible and more family oriented. Now things have changed a lot. I am worried about my sons' family relationships. They are yet to get married though, still I am a bit worried about their future lives. The mail is interesting.
@kalav56 (11503)
• India
14 Jun 11
If I may do so, I would suggest one thing-- choose a girl who is quite inferior to your son by way of earning capacity and qualification .Modern girls have some exalted notions about themselves and unless your sons are great performers and achievers it is difficult to get harmony in the house.If your sons are well behaved, mild and considerate then the problem gets compounded. Have you started looking for brides?
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
14 Jun 11
@kalav...I am also on the look out for a bride for my eldest son who will be turning 30 this year. He has given me the mandateto choose a bride for him but according to him the final say will be his. What a pity! second son has already got a steady girlfriend and thought that his brother is too choosy. Due to his demanding career and extensive travel overseas he has no time for dating. He is a geo physcist and presently working in Thailand. I only got to see him once or twice a year when he comes back for holidays. According to him Thai girls are beautiful and gentle but the only barrier is language.
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
dear anna, That i do not know either,whether the man really don't listen or is it the woman who keeps talking nonsense. One thing i know is...men don't want their woman nag. But woman talks because that's her only means to show her feelings-that men don't understand. Being a man,what do you think dear anna? My man doesn't listen when i starts nagging (thu i don't nag the most). My man left when he knows that he can't stop me from talking about his wrongdoings and shortcomings. My man starts romance,hoping he can stop me when i starts talking. Ugh! men- why don't you listen to your woman,to understand her feelings and what she really wants? Nice to see you again dear anna...
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, my dear sister jaiho, I missed you a lot dear. I think it's both. Some times men don't listen and sometimes women don't make sense. I think we need to GIVE a lot and expect less from the partner, then we can have that spark of love all through our lives. We will listen, care, sacrifice and live for the other. But unfortunately there are only a few such blessed couples in this world.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Indeed dear anna...only few,and i am one of those unlucky
• India
15 Jun 11
cool, jai, you will realize that you are a lucky one very soon.
1 person likes this
@jennyze (7048)
• Indonesia
14 Jun 11
Women will always be a mystery to a man, as well as a man could never really listen to what women talk about. It's just the way nature differentiate between a man and a woman. So, a relationship is a work to make ma listen more to a woman and to make a woman less mysterious to a man.
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, jennyze, I am so glad to note that you have understood the basic differences between man and woman. So, you won't have big disappointments in life. I also agree with you that both man and woman should work hard to listen to each other and to become less mysterious to each other.
@jennyze (7048)
• Indonesia
15 Jun 11
Just speak from experiences...
• India
15 Jun 11
@ravisivan (14051)
• India
13 Jun 11
Familiarity breeds contempt. After few months each takes the other for granted and expects more from the other and give less to the other person. Tolerance comes down drastically. that is why u have more problems among couples. People get married after they 25 or so feeling too much about themselves and that is the cause of more divorces in the West. Even in India we have such instances on account of software industry, let me join after seeing others views.
• India
13 Jun 11
Very well said Ravi. I think you are right. Taking for granted is a very common mistake both men and women make almost all over the world. They take great care to attract them when they are in the initial period of relationship but after a few years they fail miserably.
@ravisivan (14051)
• India
13 Jun 11
this applies to other situations also. For example when one joins a company he gives his maximum best initially. thereafter it comes down. have a good day.
• India
14 Jun 11
Yes, ravi, you are right. It happens in almost all walks of life. But we need to see that we don't lose our interest over time. At least in important matters we should never take things for granted.
@Bebs08 (10691)
• United States
14 Jun 11
What I could say is that men and women are the same. Men also complain about women not respecting them, not obeying them.. it is the same process with women. the solution to this problem is for both men and women give and take. Not only thinking of their own self. Be considerate and reap consideration from others too. That's the way it is. Just like, respect begets respect and love begets love. Pride must be lowered to obtain this.
• India
14 Jun 11
well said Bebs08, both men and women should try to give more and get less. Then there won't be any misunderstandings between them. There should be no ego between them. They should have that unconditional love that would give them a beautiful and colorful life through out.
1 person likes this
@Bebs08 (10691)
• United States
14 Jun 11
correct!!! I agree 100 percent!!
@bingskee (5238)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
men are from mars, women are from venus. so goes that saying. the only thing that i know that can solve the differences is constant communication.
• India
14 Jun 11
hi, bingskee, that's a very popular book that tells about the differences of men and women. May be if we know those basic differences between men and women, we may understand each other better and have a healthier relationships.
@amitgune (877)
• India
14 Jun 11
It is the way our lives work, that creates this impression. After a hectic days work a couple wishes to come home and relax. However interaction between each other is essential. When one of them wishes to relax and the other wishes to interact, such a feeling is understandable. It can only be avoided if both work towards improving the relationship.
• India
14 Jun 11
yes, amitgune, I agree with you that in the present days when both man and woman work, they need to understand each others moods and interact with them. They have to give the space their partners need.
@anitoton (390)
• Kolkata, India
14 Jun 11
to keep a good living relation both the man and woman must have to co-operative,and flexible.when a couple live together they always decide the responsibility between them.but i have seen now-a-days no one wants to do the job of the others,they don,t want to be flexible.i have seen such break ups and quarrel a lot. i dont know why they fight over some silly reason. so i think its not about not taking seriously,or mystery in woman,it is only the co-operation i think.and also the mystery in woman and man may also be the reason behind it.sometime they want more happy life etc.
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, anitoton, you have given some good points. Yes, both man and woman should be flexible, They should share responsibilities. They should not fight over silly things. Both should try to understand each other and complement each other.
@zandi458 (27954)
• Malaysia
14 Jun 11
We women have good listening power.But it is the men who pretend not to hear our cries. You need to understand that God created Eve to partner Adam so it is our duty to always be attentive to the man in our life. We listen and we obey but our problem is we can't stop their roving eyes!
• India
14 Jun 11
hi, zandi, good to note women have great listening ability. But most times they do the talking and when will they listen when they keep on talking? God created man for woman and woman for man. They need to complement each other well.
@mods196621 (3631)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
Most of the time man does not listening or don't want to listen to their woman specially if the woman talks about some woman's talk. Like if we as a woman would like to go to parlor or just to go to shopping mall and trying to talk to men saying we want that or those. I could say this is one of the nonsense to man. They don't like this things to hear from their woman because they think that we are asking to buy and buy :). Anyway that is some kind of true sometimes. As i know most of the man want those interesting topic. But yes it is true that the woman sometimes is a mystery and they are not so easy to understand. I called this as individual differences. Both men and women have these kinds of characteristics. All of this are according to my own experience with my man.
• India
14 Jun 11
Hi, mods196621, You made a very valid point there that man does not listen to his woman when she talks about woman's talk.I am glad that you understand this point so well. Women's desires have no ends and no limits most times. It's true women are always a mystery to men.
@SIMPLYD (73776)
• Philippines
14 Jun 11
When i am to talk with my husband, i see to it that he is in the mood to listen. It's important that his mood is taken into consideration, lest he will listen but will not be digesting what you are talking about.
• India
14 Jun 11
Well said, SIMPLYD, As you said he may be hearing and not listening when he is not in good moods. Then what is the use of talking to him. That is a good point you made here, thanks.
@RobtheRock (2485)
• United States
13 Jun 11
I agree with Fabsprecious. I think there are various reasons for these problems. From this man's perspective, sometimes a woman just wants us to listen. One problem with that though is when the woman stays in the same rut. She has problems and they're always the same problems! The man might offer his advice and she doesn't want his advice but just for him to listen. Thus, to him, she seems to be a person who loves to complain ALL of the time. She's a constant complainer who doesn't seem to want to have a solution to her problem. The man is taught to solve the problem but she only wants to present the problem. That gets tiresome after a time. So since she doesn't seem to want to have a solution, he gives up and gives the "appearance" of listening when he has actually shut her out. b) The man may not be the listening type. c) The man is too into himself. d) What she talks about may have nothing to do with them. She might be a gossiper and he's not into "he said, she said." So when she does have something important to say, he's so conditioned to tuning her out, that he doesn't listen. I'm sure there are other reasons.
• India
14 Jun 11
hi, RobtheRock , you made a very good point there. Yes, women want to share their problmes to men rather than seeking solutions for the problems. They may not take the advice of men, but they want their men to listen to whatever they say. They sometimes want to talk even though there is absolutely nothing to convey.
@srjac0902 (1170)
• Italy
13 Jun 11
This is a very complicated topic. What I have observed among the average class of people is that in certain societies women are highly educated and men are less educated. after the fresh years of glamor the conflict starts. So man spends most of his leisure time with friends rather than his wife. Yes some times husband is introvert and does not show but waits that woman may initiate and sometimes the woman demands the same. So must observe.
• India
14 Jun 11
hi, srjac0902, I don't know about that particular community you are talking about. So they may be like you said. But in many cases, ego also plays a big role. Taking the partner for granted is another reason for getting conflicts in relationships.
• United States
8 Nov 11
I must be rare. My guy listens And understands me.and I listen and Understand him. How? We were friends first. All we did was talk. So he got to understand me and I him.I guess that is why we can Really talk And... I don't nag. And I don't ask " What are you thinking?" I let him tell me. This maybe another reason.