Deed is done, but I didn't done it...

@dawnald (84155)
Shingle Springs, California
June 13, 2011 4:34pm CST
Well the kids have been told. Cary came up while I was checking my e-mail and started asking a bunch of questions. That's when I found out that R had decided to talk to them without me present. Went downstairs and the girls were crying, but they said they were ok. Nobody except Cary had any questions. We talked a little this morning while R was gone, and it seems like he, at least, did not do any badmouthing or finger pointing. I protested later via e-mail and was told that I just didn't understand. I replied that I needed to be there and that it was not cool. But it's done, and now we move forward. I don't think he did it to be malicious, just another example of his cluelessness. But I don't suppose I will ever know for sure.
7 people like this
30 responses
@mysdianait (64068)
• Italy
13 Jun 11
I feel for you... and the children They will say that all is ok but you know it isn't. They need you and him now. I know what you are going through and you must be riled with anger but put it to one side right now. They weren't expecting this while you and he were
2 people like this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
yeah, I'm pretty annoyed even if his motives were "pure" which I"m not so sure...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 11
Not only will they say that they are alright, even though you know that they are not, but they may try to hide their emotions until they are alone and then let them out. I know that my daughter did that, but I knew her well enough to go check on her and comfort her when she was crying, even when she tried to hide it. I think that we as mothers just "know", because her father was completely clueless and thought she was perfectly fine with everything.
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@mysdianait (64068)
• Italy
13 Jun 11
My son was 14 at the time and kept so much inside that caused some bad situations later on. On the surface it seemed that all was well... but it wasn't I agree with PA that when they will be alone they will let it out. Maybe they are luckier because they have each other.
2 people like this
• United States
13 Jun 11
No doubt it was not handled right, but done and nothing to go back and change. You certainly are to be commended as not only did you patiently waited this long and now still patiently for the big day. I am sure he did not do it in a malice way either, but certainly no consideration towards you. Maybe as a suggestion, hold a family meeting of your own, I am not considering anything formal but simply to ask the kids while together if they have any questions. Only suggesting because they little hearts may be silently affected. Good luck Dawn as this whole time and now this has to be very hard on you.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
Will give them the choice of talking, doing something fun, dinner, whatever they want. With some talking thrown in... Might even invite him.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 11
That definitely sounds like a great idea as this way they do not feel like they are under pressure and or that they need to hide their feelings. Make it fun and throwing in the conversation is Excellent!
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (93571)
• Marion, Kansas
14 Jun 11
And there you are, being the bigger person and doing the right thing.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25006)
• Australia
20 Jun 11
That must have been demoralising and frustrating as well. Did you ask him why he did it that way? Did you ask him to explain what it is that you "don't understand"? This is taking such a long drawn out time and I feel so sorry for the kids being dragged along with it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jun 11
I asked, and "you wouldn't understand" was all I got. He had an embarrassed look on his face...
@MsTickle (25006)
• Australia
21 Jun 11
I would interpret that as he knows he has been an idiot .
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 Jun 11
based on what he told me last night, he thinks he was a hero....
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
14 Jun 11
I don't think that R had bad intentions I think he may have been trying to help and I think that its great that cary at least brought her questions to you for answers rather then hold them in,Cary seems like a smart child and knew to come to you for answers to something she didnot understand you should be proud.I wish you luck and have a great day.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Don't know what his intentions were, he won't tell me. And Cary is a very smart boy!
@funnysis (2619)
• United States
14 Jun 11
I apologize for calling Cary a she.I would ask what his intenetion where if it where me.I am glad that Cary come to you though instead of holding it in he is a very smart child.Good luck and have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
It's OK, you didn't know. I did ask him, but all he said was "you wouldn't understand".
@carmelanirel (21108)
• United States
13 Jun 11
Oh that stinks, I can't believe he did that. How can he not have done this on purpose? I mean you did have an agreement to talk to the children together, didn't you??
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Yes, of course, and an agreement on what to say too...
2 people like this
• United States
14 Jun 11
I'm sorry Dawn, I feel like I am more angry than you are, probably because I can relate and recently had a bad moment with my own husband last Friday that is still fresh in my mind... But like you said, what is done is done, all you can do now is move forward..
2 people like this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
I've just gotten so used to this sort of behaviour. It's almost expected...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 11
If it were out of spite he would have bad mouthed you. It is the perfect time to blame Everything on you. But he didn't. So I vote for clueless instead of ruthless This time. Well it is done. I hope the girls will be ok.Write if you need to vent.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
I think you're right, but OH so clueless...
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 11
But his saving grace is that he loves his kids. So He didn't hurt them by bad mouthing their mother.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Not this time...
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60417)
• United States
13 Jun 11
I'm glad that's over, Dawn! and the clueless one broke the news so he actually is going to get the blame in the end - killing the messenger sort of thing...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
Or maybe they'll think I didn't care enough about them to be there.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jun 11
Oh dawn do not feel this way, maybe what I suggested below may help a little.
2 people like this
@Maggiepie (7821)
• United States
14 Jun 11
I think you must be very sure not to assign "blame" (even though you'd be justified in doing so), because the kids (& FTM, YOU) don't need that kind of drama & bitterness. It's better to never bad-mouth exes in front of the kids. It does none of you any good. Maggiepie "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." ~ Aristotle, philosopher 384-322 BC
2 people like this
@celticeagle (115471)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jun 11
I would be absolutely livid. You are quite a lady. He sure is clueless. All this time you calmly waited and now this. Grrrrr!
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
I was pretty ticked. Told him "way to show the children that we can work together in their best interest" and that he was a real class act. He replied that I didn't understand...
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (115471)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jun 11
How could you possibly understand?! He was callus and selfish. What's there to understand?
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@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
I suspect that in his own twisted way he thinks that he was "helping", maybe by letting my avoid a painful duty. Not sure. He's an idiot...
1 person likes this
@mssnow (9495)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Since I jumped in at the middle of this I have no clue as to what you are talking about. But I hope it all goes well for you and I will keep you in my thoughts and snd good vibes your way.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Telling the children we are getting divorced.. Welcome back - long time no see.
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@mssnow (9495)
• United States
14 Jun 11
Sorry to hear that and yeah am trying to make pay out this time lol. I hope everything is ok with you
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Payout seems to be an every other month thing lately. yeah, things are OK...
@GardenGerty (93571)
• Marion, Kansas
14 Jun 11
So when does he move out? I see what you mean by carelessness. That is, unless he had an idea that by him saying something first he would have a psychological advantage over you. What kind of questions did Cary have?
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@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
next thing we need to talk about... Cary wanted to know who was taking him to school in the morning and if we could keep the cats and dogs. Said he'd miss me, but then I told him I wasn't going anywhere.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (93571)
• Marion, Kansas
14 Jun 11
You usually take him, don't you? Where did he get the idea that he would be missing you? Guys against the girls thing?
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@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Jun 11
I don't know. Nobody was told that I would be leaving, but I don't know what all was said.
• United States
13 Jun 11
I am so sorry to hear that he did that without your knowledge. I completely understand the need for you to do it together not just for your sake to make sure that the right message is expressed but also for the children's sake so they can see that you will still be able to both be there together for them whenever they need it. Now all you can do is make sure that they know that even though you two will not be together you both will still be in their lives at least as much as you were before, even if you might not be there physically at the same time.
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@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
Yeah our words will say that, but his example is saying something else.
• United States
13 Jun 11
I completely agree with you on that. I have read where you say that he is totally clueless about why you are upset, and I hate to say this but I fear that is a foreshadowing of what is to come. If I remember correctly, he had a problem "sharing" while you were married, and it seems these same issues are going to be a problem now and possibly even more so. I hope that I am wrong, but that is how it is sounding to me.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
Oh he shares everything that's on his mind that I have no interest in knowing, but then he goes and does this stuff without telling me...
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@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm actually glad R has told the children. My feelings (reading between the lines) on some of your posts were that you were reluctant to tell them, even with R present and you weren't really sure about how to approach it..so I reckon R has done you a favour. Hope so anyway.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
We were going to tell them together, we had planned what we were going to say. I don't know what got into him. I could have understood if he had come to me and offered to tell them by himself, but to just do it? Not cool.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 Jun 11
Sorry, I misunderstood you, my apologies. I'd forgotten that you had indeed planned on what you were BOTH going to say and yes, in that instance, it was wrong for R to do what he did. What's the atmosphere like now?
2 people like this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
We're Ok...
@cynthiann (18629)
• Jamaica
13 Jun 11
Its hard to know what to say. It would seem that the girls understood more than Carey. This is going to be so very difficult and anything I say now may seem trite and i would not mean to be trite. I am sure that it will slowly get a little better. You must be feeling like hell Dawn. Please save all of his emails and your responses and vice versa. In fact, print them out and keep hem some where safe. You just never now when they may be needed in the custody situation. don't waste any more time on deciding whether he meant to be malicious or not. As you said he is clueless.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
They have their own little folder in my mail in case I ever need them.
@cynthiann (18629)
• Jamaica
14 Jun 11
Sorry. I should have known that you would have thought this all through. I do hope that you are o.k.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
yeah, I'm fine...
@rosegardens (3044)
• United States
13 Jun 11
Awe, Dawn I'm sorry it happened this way. You should have been there, yet God has His own planning. I hope Carey becomes understanding about it. It is a heck of a situation for everyone to be in. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and hope for the best outcome. Maybe if he was diplomatic with the children, he may be diplomatic through the whole thing. He may not want to alienate them, and the best way to do that is not act like a hind end.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Jun 11
I'm pretty sure he was diplomatic with them. But dadgum it I should have been there.
• United States
14 Jun 11
I agree!
1 person likes this
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
19 Jun 11
Oh wow! I don't understand why would he go at it alone. I undersand having separate lives, but I would think that something this important, specially involving the kids, should be taken together. I guess you're really on your way! Goodluck!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
20 Jun 11
He said I wouldn't understand, and I don't.
@much2say (37374)
• United States
17 Jun 11
I know I've been gone from myLot for a few days, but I had you in mind - I knew the "plans" as school is ending this month. But geesh, I never expected THIS to happen. This was news that both of you needed to tell the kids together - DEFINITELY - and was NOT cool of R to do this on his own. I would be so pissed off . . . what was he thinking (or not thinking, that is). Yah, you're right - another example of the cluelessness that must go on in that man's mind. Ugh. As you said, the deed is done - and I'm glad you got to talk over things a bit with the kids . . . perhaps no questions now, but surely they will come. I could be wrong, but I am thinking as sensible as Dearra is, she may be wondering why you weren't present for the news. Oh that R, just want to smack him one - grrrrr. Hugs, Dawn, hugs . . .
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
17 Jun 11
I said "I was supposed to be here" and Dearra said "you didn't invite her?" So she knows....
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
15 Jun 11
That sucks! He shouldn't have went ahead without you. I am super skeptical about things and it does make me feel like he did it because he wanted you to look like the "secret holder" EWww...that burns me up I am glad that everyone is ok with it. At least it's over with as far as the announcement goes.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Jun 11
Yeah he had a really guilty look on his face when we talked and he said "you wouldn't understand"...
@savypat (20248)
• United States
14 Jun 11
This is a big step you got over. Your children must have felt the tension in the home and now they know the reason, that should make it easier for them also. Blessings
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
Dearra knew, but now the twins do too...
@blue65packer (11835)
• United States
14 Jun 11
R should let you be with him when he told the kids you are divorced! That was a selfish thing to do! Thank goodness he didn't do any badmouthing or finger pointing! Maybe R is being clueless? I know alot of men who are clueless on just about everything! At least now you can move forword. Hopefully R can,too!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
I don't think he's being as clueless as he's letting on...
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
14 Jun 11
Sorry Dawny, but ignorant comes to mind here.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Jun 11
yeah that too