Stepdaughter getting into my nerves...how do I deal with her?

@gicolet (1704)
United States
June 22, 2011 10:45am CST
I love my stepdaughter but she's been so thoughtless for the past 3 yrs that I feel sorry for my husband already. My husband gives her everything. He hardly says "no" to her. She became so spoiled that she thinks she can do anything now...and she does. She expects me to clean up after her, she's rude and doesn't say hello, get some stuff from my closet without letting me know, lies and lies forever even there's an evidence....i'm getting really frustrated. I've told my husband about what she does and he knows about it but he said he just want to love her. He just let her get away with things and I don't like this about him. I guess cause she only comes here every other week so I try to understand that. She's 17 turning 18 this week. Her father gave her money for her graduation and upcoming birthday and instead of buying something for herself she said she wants to take her friends to Disneyland. I mean how important are her friends to her? So my husband did some arrangements with the hotel and stuff and after all that she's thinking of changing her mind now. Last Father's Day she came over and spent the whole day with a friend, and then later on we went out to dinner and then told her father that she forgot her gift for him. I felt so bad for my husband. I think he is not being appreciated at all by her. So then she was here again yesterday while my husband was not home. I then told my husband that she was here. My husband sounded glad but then she left before my husband gets home. I was so pissed cause my husband thought she brought her father's day gift for him. There's none. I think she lied about the gift as she always does. She never did forget it...there's no gift! She came back late in the afternoon from the beach and dunk the sandy towels on the sink for me to wash. She's really a handful and I just don't want to speak to her anymore. I've been so nice to her all these years. My own daughters even asked me to stop being nice to her anymore but how can I do that? She seems embarrassed of me and don't introduce me to her friends. I don't want to fight with her but how do I deal with what she's been doing? Thanks for reading this. I just felt like venting.
2 people like this
4 responses
@LadyMarissa (12162)
• United States
22 Jun 11
Actually, I don't think you have a problem with your stepdaughter...I think you have a problem with your husband!!! He seems to be carrying some MAJOR guilt for breaking up her family & she's taking advantage of it. Sadly, there is NOTHING you can do until your husband decides to make her listen!!! If you're going overboard to try & makes things better...YES she's going to take advantage of you too!!! When she drops off her dirty clothes for you to clean, I'd tell her I was busy & will get to them when I can & then suggest that SHE do them. Then I would STAY busy until she was ready to go home!!! Then I'd hug her as she was leaving. If she leaves her clothes for you to wash, they'd still be sitting there when she returned. If she confronts you, tell her you're sorry, but you don't feel compelled to do work for somebody who takes you for granted. You can say any & all of that very calm & firm WITHOUT being rude!!! You do understand that your husband will ALWAYS take her side when it comes to the 2 of you don't you??? One good thing is she will be an adult soon & will be running off to get married & you may not have to see her so often in the future!!! I can understand why your children are jealous of the way you treat her. Maybe I should suggest you treat you stepdaughter just like you treat your own children or you may see an unwanted change in their behavior!!! GOOD LUCK as this is a NO WIN situation that can make or break your happiness with your husband!!! Be polite to her, but do NOT give in to her EVERY demand!!!!
@gicolet (1704)
• United States
22 Jun 11
Maybe you're right...maybe he does feel guilty about the family's break up but it's been several years ago... how long is he going to make up for it? She's really taking advantage of it. She used to be such a good little kid...i guess growing up as a teenager changed something. I do understand that my husband will always take her side no matter what that's why i try not to get involved. I hardly complain about what she does and doesn't do unless i needed to understand why it happened. Once she borrowed a dvd player from me so I lent it to her and after a week she returned it to me all scratched. She didn't even hand it back to me...she just left it at the kitchen and took off...without thank you or sorry or anything. I didn't speak to her for days cause i felt so disrespected. Her father asked her to apologize to me which she did but i think it was all an act cause her father pushed her about it. I so want to treat my stepdaughter just like I treat my own children but she only comes here every other week and as much as possible i don't want any trouble and aggravation with her given that short period of time she's here, so i just end up ignoring what she does, stay quiet and not say anything about it to my husband. It's just getting too much lately and I really didn't like it when she lied about her forgetting her gift to her father for father's day. That's just really thoughtless! It's been 3 days since father's day and my husband is going to have dinner with her later tonight so hopefully she took time to buy a gift and give it to him tonight. I just don't want to see my husband disappointed again and again anymore. I somehow wish i didn't wash her dirty towels yesterday after reading your comment about that. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@LadyMarissa (12162)
• United States
22 Jun 11
I'm NOT saying he's sorry he left his ex. I'm positive that the daughter has told him more than once that he ruined her life when he left. Daughters have this amazing ability to control Daddies!!! You & I both know that she has NOTHING for him for Father's Day & if he was honest, he'd admit he knows it too!!!! I know he's disappointed, but he probably should get used to it. She's a spoiled brat & until her Mom & Dad reel her in, there is VERY LITTLE that you can do!!! However, you can EXPECT to be treated with respect & REFUSE to accept less!!! Since she calls her own Mom a bwitch, it sounds to me like she might just feel that she IS showing you respect!!! You need to find a way to set some boundaries with her. I'd most definitely find a way to STOP waiting on her & I'd STOP doing her laundry for sure!!! Once she turns 18, I bet she moves out of her Mom's home & stops coming to see her Dad altogether. That may very well take care of your problem!!!
@gicolet (1704)
• United States
23 Jun 11
I knew that you weren't saying that my husband was sorry he left his ex. I wasn't worried about that. You're actually right that this spoiled daughter of his does have an ability to control her dad. She actually wants to be a Hollywood actress someday so whatever...she's a good actress now. She did finally give her dad his "father's day" gift last night when they had a dinner out together. My husband sounded like a child when he came home showing me his daughter's gift for him. I was not in my best mood cause my internet connection was so slow last night so I went "Good...why didn't she give you that yesterday when she was here?" He was like "Oh honey...don't stir the pot". I guess I still couldn't get over those dirty towels that i washed for his daughter the other day. lol but anyways...you're right...when she moves out of her Mom's and stops coming here when she goes to college in august our stress about her will be over...hopefully. Yes, she calls her mom a b*tch at times and she spit at her mom's face before when they had this big fight. I guess she does feel that she is showing me respect. Thanks for pointing that out...made me realize i shouldn't feel that bad.
1 person likes this
@yspmyl (3438)
• Malaysia
25 Jun 11
Hi! I think sometime for a teenager at the age of 18 will be hard to accept her new mother and the fact. The age of 18 is the rebelling period of a teenager, that is why she will do many things that make you angry. That is how they will do to attract your attention. I think the best way to deal with this kind of situation is try to be her best fried, from there slowly she will be nicer to you. No doubt this will be hard and not a easy task, but if you put in effort, it will works. All what she did may be are what she used to do previously and she have got such a bad habits and it is hard for a person to change her habit in a short period. I think what you can do is to tell her about how you feel and what you do not want her to do. Tell her in a gentle way instead of force her to do what he not usually do will only make the situation worst especially at her age of rebellious.
@gicolet (1704)
• United States
25 Jun 11
Thanks but i've been her step mom since she was 8 yrs old. She used to be a real good kid. She doesn't hate me or anything...i mean at least she doesn't show anything like that. She just doesn't care about what people around her feels when she does something very disrespectful. I'm not the kind of person who forces anyone to do what they don't want to do so it's never been a problem on my part. Sorry i do not intend to be her best friend. Maybe it's easier for you to say but it's not easy and it's not possible.
• United States
22 Jun 11
Wow, I'm so sorry that she treats you like that. But in all honesty, this could have been written by my step mom about my little sister. I think it could be solved by her being cut off from money and having stricter rules. I'm guessing she stays with her mom most of the time and probably doesn't get much discipline from her. I would suggest imposing stricter rules from her mother too, but that may also open up a whole new can of worms. Try getting your husband to sit down and talk with the both of you, get him to tell her she needs to behave more respectfully or there will be consequences and such. If none of that works, put locks on everything. I bet she would feel pretty dumb when she has to ask to get something out of the fridge. But it might work. Once again, i feel so bad that someone other than my stepmom has to go through this, but hopefully its a phase she will grow out of.
@gicolet (1704)
• United States
22 Jun 11
Yes, she stays with her mom most of the time and her mom is also having so much problems with her. She calls her own mom a b*tch when she doesn't give her what she wants. My husband have tried to talk to her in the past about respect and everything. My stepdaughter always say "ok" but goes back to being disrespectful like she really doesn't care. She always borrow stuff from my older daughter and never returns them...sometimes she just take them without saying anything. Once we just saw her walking around the house wearing my daughter's yoga pants and we just looked at each other cause she denies taking anything anyway. When my husband asked what was wrong we just said "nothing". I also hope that this is a phase that she will grow out soon...(sigh)...thank you.
@elida279 (165)
• Bulgaria
22 Jun 11
It's really very difficult situation. I believe this girl will have a lot of problems in the future if your husband and her mother don't deal with it. But I think you shouldn't get involved. At least I wouldn't if I were you. This way you may create problems with your husband because he'll always be on his daughter side. It's natural. What you can do is just inform him what she is doing (but in a nice way, he is already upset with her)and leave the rest to him. What else you can do? And also your daughters are right. Be only polite to her, don't be that nice. If she doesn't respect you you may ignore her as well. I don't have have experience with similar situations (thanks God) but I think I would do like this if it happens to me. I wish you a lot of strenght and I hope you'll resolve the problem in the best for everyone way.
@gicolet (1704)
• United States
22 Jun 11
I know...i try not to get involved all these years cause i know that the real parents should be the one taking care of my stepdaughter's problems. Thank you for your response. I really need more strength for more difficult situations with her to come.