I Come Across As A Nag Because Hubby Doesn't Respond

@Janey1966 (24126)
Carlisle, England
June 24, 2011 7:08pm CST
To be honest, I'm becoming tired of this. I shall give you an example. The other night I asked John a question. It went like this.. "Have you not been brushing your teeth lately?" "Well, I forgot this morning." "Yes, but you've done this all week. I can always tell you've brushed your teeth because you leave the toothpaste tube on the sink." No answer. This was two days ago and he still hasn't brushed his teeth. He is digging his heels in and the more I nag the more he does it. The same goes for washing. Invariably he "forgets" and it's like living with a tramp and I'm sick of it. It's happening more and more that I don't even get a response from him so this gives the impression that I'm nagging him. If I got a response I wouldn't nag! And compared with some women's nagging he gets off lightly, believe me. His feet are starting to stink now as he's been wearing the same trainers (for work) daily, ever since he bought them about 4 years ago. I've suggested Odor Eaters. No response. I'm trying to help him here because the last thing I want are his workmates making fun of him (which will happen if they have to endure what I've had to put up with tonight) but he can't see it. Either that or he's too tight to buy some. If the sun comes out on Saturday there's no way I'm staying indoors. I do enough of that during the week. He won't want to look around a soft furnishings store so I shall go there on my own. The walk will do me good. I'm quite capable of going in and not buying anything, I just want to look at the trends, that's all. If he went with me he'd be sighing a lot and wanting me to come out after 2 minutes, something I'm not prepared to do. When the football season starts he shall have a shock when I tell him I'm not going anymore. Why should I? He never does anything for me in the summer. It's tough sh*t if I want to go somewhere. I know this sounds silly but I really wish John would actually ARGUE with me at times but I get nothing, which, I think is worse because I don't know what's going on in his head. If I ask him, "What's up?" he'll just say "I'm tired" and that's the end of it. How do you cope with someone who keeps their emotions in check? How do you encourage them to let it all out? I could get him p*ssed I suppose. Hahaha!
2 people like this
9 responses
@Hatley (164451)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Jun 11
hi Janey some guys get moody and depresses and just go off alonne not wantin to talk so try what I did be kind but firm take him by the hand and lead him to a good spot for a chat. then demand to know what is worrying him. tell him if he shares it it will cut the worry in half.'when you both communicate you can work things out together.but if you keep telling him he stinks he willjust dig his heels in. why not tell himn what you have told us in a gentle but firm way.let him argue if he does as that shows you he is not depressed. tell him you do not want his work mates teasing him about b.O.that might do it.You both should have things you love to do by yourself. that is good for both of you.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
25 Jun 11
He's always been a bit lax in the hygiene department but nowhere near as bad as he is now. I put this down to his work taking over his life and not being much time for anything else. Virgos are notorious for not really having a good work/life balance and when they are at home, all they want to do is chill out and not do much of anything at all. This is understandable but I'm here and it's like I'm invisible at times. However, if I wasn't here this place would be a sh*t tip and he wouldn't eat properly, as demonstrated when I'm at Mum's now and then. How would he react if I brought home some Odor Eaters from my little trip out I wonder? I would say, "Please don't get angry, I've bought these because I worry about what your workmates think as your trainers aren't looking after your feet as well as they used to. These might help and I don't want you to be picked on." I know I'm not the most subtle of gals but the above would be subtle..for me at least.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Jun 11
Well I'm the one who keeps my emotions in check. How to deal with me? Idk if I feel comfortable with a person, I'll talk, if not, not...
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
27 Jun 11
He's improved the last couple of days. Maybe his moodiness, etc, is linked to him being tired. Could be. Guess I'm making excuses for him..something I do A LOT!
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
27 Jun 11
It usually takes a while for me to get my emotions to release too...I don't like confrontations and I am a peacemaker...but I see how frustrating it is for you!! I really don't know how to help when I am somewhat the same way!!!! Good luck....I recently read that jello helps with stinky feet....make a bowl of jello and tell him to give his feet a dunk!
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
27 Jun 11
Is that the same as jelly?
@inertia4 (27792)
• United States
26 Jun 11
I have to say plain and simple that it is definitely depression. I have been going through a similar thing every since my ex left with my children. I do have my ups and downs, but lately more downs than ups. Maybe you should try to get him to go to therapy. I am in therapy now, I am hoping it will help me. I know from myself that when I feel that way, I do not want to talk to family, I would rather speak to a stranger who does not know me. There is something going on deep down inside of him. Maybe it's something like he never achieved his dreams or he is tired of the everyday grind of his life. He may want something more but does not know how to express it. We all go into denial. I know I have, my mind just keeps telling me that everything is fine when in fact everything is falling apart. It's a real sinking feeling. Try just talking to him, not at him, you might be surprised. Start of a conversation about something bothering you and you need his help figuring it out. Maybe that will get him talking to you, then you could work the conversation around.
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
26 Jun 11
I know this may sound like a really shallow thing to say (and I apologise) but, why should depression stop him from washing himself? It didn't with me. Even when times were good he's always had a problem in this area. I shall talk to him but it's finding the right moment that's proving difficult..thanks.
• China
25 Jun 11
If John used not to do so,I mean he neglected to brush his teeth,etc. he likely encountered something that didn't fall in with his wishes recently.If not, he is an introverted person so he was against your wishes purposely when you nagged at him.You ought to have a frank exchange of views with him as you see fit.The same with me,I dislike going shopping with my wife,Hardly have I gone into the store, when I would like to come out there.
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
25 Jun 11
Today he didn't even get into that ace tennis match between Djokovic and Baghdatis. How anyone couldn't get excited about that is beyond me and he even told me to "calm down" at one point. I said, "It's called getting enthusiastic about something other than football. You should try it sometime." I carried in squeeling my encouragement whilst he looked on (sleeping, mostly) and I'm glad I'm off out tomorrow as I can't stand even being in the same room as him at the moment.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Jun 11
I do agree with gifts above that it does sound like depression. But what I would suggest is you do calmly speak tgo him of your observations. See how I would go about is saying John I need to speak to you heart to heart here about my issues. Notice the my, when you approach someone and say you, you they take it offensively, therefore if it indeed is depression he will simply shut down more. Instead you say you have an issue with feeling like you are not being heard. Explain your observations and say you realize something is bothering him and unless he tells you then how are you suppose to know. You may have to take a few deep breaths to remain as calm as possible, as getting angry will simply shut his emotions down and you will further anger to no avail and not get him to speak his true feelings. Overall you and John have had a great relationship for several years therefore, be completely open and honest with him as to what you are observing and ask him if there is anything you can do help him and see him through this. Because if it is depression Janey it will not get better on it's own. Fingers crossed my friend as I know this will pass soon.
@Janey1966 (24126)
• Carlisle, England
25 Jun 11
As always you make so much sense and I will try to talk to him about what I'm feeling rather than to concentrate on getting at him for various things. I do know that he feels that he's not doing enough for me but this cannot be further from the truth. He must realise that if I didn't appreciate him I'd be long gone by now. Without him we wouldn't even have a roof over our heads.
@GemmaR (8526)
25 Jun 11
The thing is, if you let things continue the way they are doing they're only going to get even worse than they already are. You should write a list, similar to the way you have done here, and then tell him that you need to sit down and discuss some issues that you have with him. He might have issues with you too, which it is important for him to raise with you to get an idea about where you both stand. He might not realise just how much these little things are annoying you, but the little things do all build up and tip us right over the edge.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
25 Jun 11
I probably shouldn't be responding at all since I have no answer for this :-P Honestly, I'd prefer the silent treatment to the argument...maybe because arguments at my place can get ugly. Not that I wouldn't want a yes/no response atleast but I certainly would choose silence over loud arguments...which can turn really really bad.
@GardenGerty (105151)
• United States
25 Jun 11
First off, he needs a good physical to make sure there is not some underlying illness. Secondly, lack of personal care can indicate depression. He sounds like he is depressed. That is part of why you do not get a response when you talk to him.