Old Age Homes
By SViswan
@SViswan (12051)
India
June 27, 2011 2:36am CST
I've heard a lot about not wanting to leave parents in an old age home. As parents get old to take care of themselves, some children offer to take care of them. Sometimes this means a move to a different part of the country or the world which the parents are not in favour of. Due to their work, the children or their families cannot re-locate to be near the parents (though I know a few families who have given up lucrative careers to do so).
If the parents do agree to move in with their children and their families, the balance that was maintained in the family might go for a toss and everyone ends up frustrated. The parents need to adjust to the routine of their children's families; the other members need to adjust to the needs of the elderly people who are a new addition and which they might not be ready to do. If everyone doesn't get along, then the tension increases.
In such scenarios, I feel it is better to find a good old age home to put my parents in....like finding a good day care centre for my child. Don't get me wrong. If one would have asked me a couple of years back, I would have said I wouldn't like to 'dump' my parents in an age old home. But now I've been giving it some thought. Even though I have the space to accommodate them comfortably, I can't assure them the lifestyle they are accustomed to. My husband would have a problem with some of the things (television shows for eg. or the amount of time they spend on activities of their choice, etc.) that they regularly do. They, in turn, might not like the way we raise the kids or our religious preferences.
I'd rather keep the family from falling apart than create friction all around...for my selfish need of wanting to take care of my parents' needs.
But I have to say, it's created a lot of confusion in my head about what's wrong or right for me.
9 people like this
14 responses
@vandana7 (98826)
• India
27 Jun 11
Interesting discussion. :)
I feel most elderly people would be better off in old age homes. Ever heard of familiarity breeds contempt? Well, we take our folks so much for granted. As they age, we think they dont need this and that. Whoever said so? They need everything that we need. But cant opt for such things as it would look odd. Unfortunately, even in old age homes that we have today, they cant get what they would enjoy. Most concentrate on getting them a meditation center, and food, and medical facilities. Hey, what about entertainment? Is the television set enough? What if they want to play cards? And eat something they cant digest. They should have freedom of choice on such things. And paid service and care would definitely better than the one that family members give because they feel they have to do it as it is their moral duty.
3 people like this
@derek_a (10874)
•
27 Jun 11
I think this situation depends very much on each individual family and the way each person in the family has been raised. My grandmother had lost a leg in the War (WW2), and found it difficult to take care of herself as the got older. We had a large house because there were six of us. Four kids and my parents. My grandmother came for a while and there was stress in the family. She then went into a care home and was quite happy there. She had lost her husband many years previous and was used to living alone and then didn't blend in well with our hectic home. The home she went into was not far from where we lived, and she had plenty of visits from the family.
But, although I was young at the time, and didn't understand what was going on, I think it must be quite an emotional decision to make, but the way I see it that people who are set in their ways, the children as well as the parents, would find it very difficult to change, and would have to be very understanding and tolerant of each other. If this was not the case, then living together would be very uncomfortable for all concerned. I know in my mind, it is not something that I could do, but I don't hide this fact. Just relatives staying over for a weekend has proved that to me. Great to see them when they arrive, but not so great when I wake up to them the next day and the day after.
If I do something out of duty, it is not the same as when I do something out of love and compassion. I am a recluse and that may make me a lot different to most people, so I guess I may not be the best person to take advice from! 
_Derek
_Derek@SViswan (12051)
• India
27 Jun 11
@Vandana...there are different kinds of old age homes. There are places in Bangalore which provide an apartment like feel with help for senior citizens. Of course, one needs to shell out that kind of money for that benefit.
And as Derek puts it, people who are set in their ways (both parents and children) find it difficult to adjust to each other.
@derek...my husband's grandmother who he considers his mother because she raised him still lives with his 2 unmarried aunts. Though they have lived together all these years, the aunts aren't getting any younger either and taking care of the grandmother is taking a toll on them. When I visit, I find it hard to understand how they can get frustrated over their own mother...but I think I understand now. It's easy for me to visit once in a while and accommodate grandma's repeated questions on the same topic but difficult for them when they have to listen to it day in and day out...daily.
1 person likes this
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
27 Jun 11
I agree with Vandana's views. I have seen old people being treated badly by their children and vice versa where the in laws, even parents harass their children.I also agree that familiarity breeds contempt and if there is a better option where everyone has the freedom to lead their lives the way they want, then why not? I have a relative who lives in an old age home in a place called Puttur. I was surprised to see how well organised the place was and she seems very happy there since she has many friends and planned activities etc; However, not all old age homes give such facilities...
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
27 Jun 11
Oh I wanted my mom to live with us she refused and went to an assistant living place she loved it then she got sick and had to go to a home for awhile but then again to assistant living place.
and you pay for that place just for roof over head and meals all other things need to be done you pay extra and it can eat away of your inheiratance if you have any coming or your money if they dont have the money none of the places are free.
Check every thing out make sure they have a good nursing staff also
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
27 Jun 11
I hope i never have to live w/my children. I wouldn't want to disrupt their lives like that. I really hope i die at home before i have to go to an old age home.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
27 Jun 11
i would hate giving up my stuff, but im thinking i should be in one of those. i mean, here my son is unable to take care enough, he works and no one else is here to help. but then im able to help him financially, also, i think if i was in one, id want it to be near enough i could visit and he could visit. or my other kids to. 
its a hard question. i do need more help though. 
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
27 Jun 11
hello SV,
Most of us wants our parents to live with us and we took care of them as they aged.
But sometimes there are things that we need/should/must consider.
If you think,that's the best option to do,then do it.
I am sure your parents will understand once you've explained them everything.
I will surely need to consider things too,no matter how i want my parents to live with me.
Unless any of my siblings will take the responsibility then,it is much better and i will feel more comfortable.
Or i can even asks some relatives who is willing to take care that lives near my home,so that i can always check my parents each time i want to.
But then again,in any possible way,i really want to take care of my parents.
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Jul 11
Since we are two girls, I know my parents never expected one of us to take care of them and they know very well a lot will depend on how our families will re-act or respond to the situation.
I'm sure too that they have made other arrangements for themselves (money is not an issue for them). Besides ....if they continue to live in our ancestral home (right now my dad is still working and they are in Africa), most of our relatives are around and they will definitely be there to help in case of emergency.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (130066)
• India
1 Jul 11
It was my dream to help set up old age homes with a concept I had worked on but somehow it did not materialise. I have visited several old age homes here and abroad but sadly they do not cater to the needs of the old in that they only think of providing them with meals, a bed and organised activity with timings written all over. No two seniors would be able to get along as each would bring with them experiences and knowledge that would make them think that they are all knowing. I have seen this happening.
The best therefore would be a monitored independent living with help from reliable domestic help.
2 people like this
@allknowing (130066)
• India
8 Jul 11
That is why I said monitored SV. This has been my pet subject and have even given talks here and there. This is reality that seniors are on the brink of being orphans despite having kids. If one can pay a good sum to these maids or home nurses as the case may be and they are registered with the Police some hope that the seniors will live their twilight years with dignity is not ruled out. Seniors are proud of their own homes and are 'at home' only there.
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
5 Jul 11
This entirely depends upon the health and circumstances of the parents. Retirement communities for active adults here in the US are not the same as old folks homes of days gone by. They often have luxurious amenities that a family simply cannot afford to provide, and then you are right, the parents might be happier living independently.
But when the elderly are paralyzed or without mental cognizance, sometimes it just doesn't make any sense to try to care for them at home, yet there may be concerns about whether or not they are being understood and/or kindly treated. For instance, if they do not recognize their family or caretakers and are unable to bond.
It is NOT about selfishness in my view. People just have to be somewhat practical, and it is a good idea to ask the parents what their wishes might be while they are still competent to speak of it.
I can tell you from my own experience though that the wishes of the elderly can unexpectedly change even when they think they have thought things through. Then they get into a new situation and just don't like it and want to change. It is amazing how hard it is to keep being flexible. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
1 Jul 11
I have to say that I agree with you however, it depends on the country in which you live and how much it'll cost to put our parents in an old folks home. Here in my country, the USA, it costs a bundle to put parents in an assisted living type of home. I don't know why it costs so much but, it seems that the owners are more into getting rich than they're worried over caring for the elding residents. Maybe I'm wrong in my assumption but that's what it seems. My husband and I own our home and so we've offered many times to put a trailer or a small house on our property for them to live in and carry on with their lives however, they'll be close enough to me to get to them when they need help but they won't hear of it. They plan on staying where they are till they're no more which makes it so hard for me to get to them in their time of need. *sigh. Such is life so I deal with it as I must.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Jul 11
The good ones are expensive here too. Money isn't an issue for my parents and they wouldn't insist on staying in their home (they haven't really stayed there for more than a couple of months at a time). The same is not the case with my in-laws. They want to stay in their own home. My husband cannot stand the heat at the place and even though I have offered to move there to take care of them, he isn't willing to.
@mayka123 (16584)
• India
28 Jun 11
I was always against keeping parents in old age homes. May be because as a child I would always visit a home to keep the old company there. But now with my kids I do not see them looking after me at all. There was a time when I had thought that I would live with my daughter when I get old. But I would not be able to get along with my son in law so that option is completely ruled out now. So I think the best option for me after about 20 years is to go into an old age home myself.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
1 Jul 11
That is exactly the issue with my parents. Though there aren't any major issues with my husband, I know that it wouldn't be possible on a daily basis.
And since we are two girls, I'm sure my parents never expected that one of us would take care of them...it would depend on our husbands. I think my mother probably did think for a while but then she must have taken it out of her head now.
Even though I have two boys, seeing the present day scenario of relationships, I don't think I can expect my sons to take care of me when I am old. I just pray that I will be able to afford a decent old age home for myself.
1 person likes this
@salonga (27775)
• Philippines
11 Aug 11
I would be so sad if my child would put me in Home for the Aged when I become old. I would love to see my child taking care of me till the day God calls me home. Because of this, I never really had any bit of idea to put my parents in Home for the Aged for whatever reason. I think it is the obligation of the children to look after the old parents till they die. No matter how busy we may be with our job or whatever, our parents should be given priority. This is one way of returning back the favor. They took care of us when we were young so when they grow old we have to take care of them in return. History repeats itself. Whatever we sow we will reap so let us be good to our aged parents and expect our own children to be good to us as well.
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
8 Jul 11
Here in the Philippines, when you send your very old parents to the home for the aged , you will be condemned. I guess, it is innate for Filipinos, to really love their parents , taking care of them until their last breath.
Taking in of our parents in our houses, or living in their house to take care of them , is usual here in the Philippines. It's because we feel more blessed in life if we do that to our parents. The grandchildren seeing our love for our parents would follow it too. Thus, a promise of us growing old with them is sometimes true.
Husband and wives , simply just have to talk it over.
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
4 Jul 11
Well, if the situation is like this that one have to live apart from the parents then, find a good old age home for them. Maybe it will be good for both the children and family also. Maybe both will be happy this way.
I never searched for an old age home because no one from our family background lived in an old age home. Thanks and have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Jul 11
No one from my family has lived in an old age home either.
My maternal grandmother stayed at her own home and her daughter and family who were given the ancestral home took care of her. Her other kids would come over once in a while to meet her and take care of her too.She wasn't comfortable moving out of that home.
My paternal grandmother moves around to her son's (and one daughter's too) homes. She stays a few months at one place and a few months at another one's. She doesn't stay at her sons' places if they are outside the country...but the ones who are in the same city.
We are two daughters and my sister isnt married. But inviting my parents to stay with either one of us would mean a family discussion with husband/s and we can't do it without their support.
@ravisivan (14079)
• India
27 Jun 11
If u are convinced of the reasons then it will be advisable to go ahead with your ideas. The ideal thing will be to convince the old lady about this.
This move will be good instead of avoiding tension every day in the house.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Jul 11
That is certainly mean! My father would send money to his in-laws and help any which way he can. I also have neighbour friends where the husband sends money to his parents as well as his in-laws even though his wife is earning. Recently, I heard that the wife got a house for her parents to stay at.
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
10 Nov 11
I think it is a personal choice for everyone. And people will make their own decisions on it. I personally have heard many terrible things about these homes and I wouldn't want to put my parents in one who took care of me all of my life. I want to give back to them. I have young children at home and a husband so I know it would be tough but I just cannot imagine putting them in one of those places and people possibly treating them wrong or family forgetting they exist...
