How do you feel about cheating?

South Africa
June 29, 2011 10:49am CST
I have always had a very strong view on cheating - I have always thought that if a boyfriend of mine ever cheated on me I would break up with no matter what, because I feel like I deserve better than that and I don't believe I could cheat on a boyfriend. But I recently found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has cheated on me twice in the last few months. I really love my boyfriend and he seems to be so remorseful and sorry, that now I am doubting my beliefs - can guys who cheat really change and is it sometimes worth it to forgive them?
4 people like this
17 responses
@stanley777 (7175)
• Philippines
30 Jun 11
Hi bouncybug, It is really hard to give advice to someone or your own opinion if you have not been or encounter the same problem.But if someone especially a girlfriend or boyfriend had cheated on me once I can forgive him/her but the treatment I can give the guy will not be the same as before.But like you said your boyfriend of 3 years have done it 2 times and the fact that your not yet married, what more if you are.It's good that you have known it earlier and the best advice I can give you is to meet other guys, I know there is someone more deserving then him. Once you lost your trust to a guy it's very hard to gain it back.
• South Africa
8 Jul 11
Thanks for your advice! I know, maybe I should keep my options open because I am sure there are other guys out there who would never do that to me. The problem is that I really love this guy so I hope that we can work this all out eventually :(
• United States
30 Jun 11
It depends on why he cheated. If he is just a dog and needs more than one woman and he will lie to keep a god woman in his life , then it is time to go. But if he wasn't thinking and it just happened . he loves you and this was just a lapse in judgement and he is willing to go for counseling, then try to stay. It all depends.
• South Africa
8 Jul 11
I don't think he even knows what the reason for cheating was - I think it seemed to have been a moment of madness where he didn't really think about what he was doing. I don't know if that's a good enough reason for me but I'm giving him a second chance I think - hopefully he will prove his character!
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Jul 11
Just don't stay Just to stay. People Can change but if you see he hasn't changed, then move on. I want to wish you luck.Take Care.
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
29 Jun 11
Hi BB! There are also other mylotters asking the same questions on whether they should forgive their boyfriend or not for leaving them and cheating on them. It happened many times to them and they decide to forgive their boyfriends but their boyfriends did leave and cheat them again and again. For me you should look at the reason why he is cheating on you. Is it because he wants to protect you, he wants to keep his secret (he doesn't want others to know) or because of other woman-simply said he got other girlfriend. If you know that he is clearly have other other girl then don't forgive him because he is clearly shows that he is betraying you. No second chance if there is no reason for him to be with other girl. Others might give second chance but if he did break the chance given to him for the second time means he is not suitable to be your boyfriend at all Ask yourself whether you bear to stand with his attitude and like to be his toy for a few times more.
• South Africa
8 Jul 11
Thank you for your response! I agree with what you are saying - what I have decided to do is to wait and see what happens. I am not one that takes nonsense from people so he knows that if he ever does ANYTHING to jeopardise our relationship again then it is over. So far it seems like he is showing real remorse and is so sorry about what he has done, so lets hope this is a really changing point for him.
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
8 Jul 11
That is going to be the third chance. You are so kind to him. Hope he will not doing that anymore. Hope he realized that~
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
29 Jun 11
I used to have strong opinion on cheating too, but lately I have adopted a more flexible view the person I am relating with, is his own person, just like I am my own person he has his own dreams, needs and growth path, just like I do this means he will change eventually, and I too will change eventually depending on his decision, this change will affect the relationship I can't stop him (and myself) from changing but I will observe whether this change is benefiting or not, for me and for the relationship if it's benefiting, I will stay. If it's not, it's over. same goes with him, he has the choice. if you want to stay, then find out why he cheated and see how you feel about forgiving. maybe he is not happy but he doesn't want to tell you. or he is just fooling around. people change. but not necessarily the change that benefits others. personally, I feel that your bf has made his choice by cheating on you twice in the last few months. but that's just me.
• South Africa
29 Jun 11
Thanks for your advice - it really made a lot of sense. Yes, people change and people make mistakes. the thing is, I gave my boyfriend an easy way out by saying that I wanted to break up with him after I found out, but he's fighting really hard to keep being with me so I have to wonder - if he really wasn't happy and he wanted to be with other people then why would he be fighting for me so much? At the same time though I don't know the reason he cheated and to be honest I don't think he even knows why he did it. Its one of those things where we will just have to wait and see if we can get through this I guess!!
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
30 Jun 11
yep some things take time to unfold hope you both will rebound stronger, or if you separate, you'll find someone more suitable to each other
@GemmaR (8526)
29 Jun 11
There is no way that I would ever be able to forgive somebody who chose to cheat on me. If somebody feels the need to be with somebody else in that way, then I am of the opinion that they surely couldn't have loved you all that much in the first place. If you love someone, properly, you would never do anything to hurt them, and cheating on people certainly does hurt. Not only your partner, but it can hurt their families, your family, your friendship groups.. basically everybody who accepted the two of you as a couple would then be hurt.
• South Africa
29 Jun 11
That is exactly how I used to think until it actually happened to me! It's funny how you can believe something so strongly when you are on the outside of the situation but it really is different once it happens to you. I always thought that if someone cheated on me they obviously didn't love me enough but maybe people sometimes just make mistakes?
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
29 Jun 11
Yes, sometimes people did mistakes but we should look at what kind of mistakes we did. Dating or having other girls does not show that he is doing it accidentally. How could we say that he got other girl accidentally without his purpose?
• United States
29 Jun 11
I think that if he cheated on you once than maybe he could be forgiven but the fact that he cheated on you twice and you dated him for 3 years then maybe he shouldn't be forgiven. I've been in that situation before where a guy that I dated for at least 1 year cheated on me with some girl that I knew from school. He apologized and he looked sincere and I took him back. So, we were back together and we were happy. Till a friend of mine told me that she saw him with some other girl in the City and they were holding hands and kissing. I broke up with him and ended up finding another guy to be with. I just don't think you should be okay with it because he did a really shady thing.
• South Africa
29 Jun 11
I understand where you are coming from and really appreciate your opinion! You're right, he did do a really shady thing and it's not something that should be taken lightly at all. I'm really putting a lot of time and energy into thinking about this because even though I love him, it's not worth it to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust!! So I'm going to have to get him to earn back my trust!!
• United States
5 Jul 11
That's the right thing to do, you don't want to make a decision until you can be absolutely sure it's the right one.
@RitterSport (2452)
• Lippstadt, Germany
30 Jun 11
hi bouncybug same attitude here towards cheating in a relationship be it a marriage or a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I would not be able to forgive cheating. Every other mistake is disputable so to say and we would talk it out but cheating is an attack to the very core of the relationship which is trust and togetherness and true love. I am Catholic and we have very strict rules for divorce and it has unpleasant consequences but cheating would result in divorce and that very quickly. When your bf has cheated on you even twice in the last months alone you should be careful
• South Africa
9 Jul 11
Thanks for your advice RitterSport! I agree with you - cheating in a marriage could very definitely result in divorce and I would certainly not like to be trapped in a marriage with someone who continues to cheat throughout the relationship. But hopefully people can also change over time and realise their mistakes!
@EdnaReyes (2628)
• Philippines
30 Jun 11
Cheating always hurt. It can make one lose one self and esteem. Cheating is the last thing that should happen in any relationship but it doesn't mean forgiving is not a way to overcome it. Those who have been cheated find the road to recovery easily by forgiving those who have cheated on them. Forgiving is giving closure to what's been done and when there's closure, a new phase is next to come.
• South Africa
8 Jul 11
You're right - forgiving does help to bring closure and heal some of the wounds. I still feel so so hurt but maybe I can show him the way that a person should act by being above what he did. If I can still forgive him then hopefully it will serve as a reason for him to change so he can be good enough for me again.
@febrigas (362)
• Indonesia
30 Jun 11
In my opinion, cheating is the highest of a betrayal in special relationship. but one can certainly cange, If he had apologized, and very sorry, and promised not to repeat it again, then there is no harm, to give him a second chance, and this certainly the latter. if he wants to return, and still loves you, he will apologize and invite you to get in touch again as it once was..
• South Africa
8 Jul 11
He has been really grateful to me for giving him a second chance and so far he does seem to be really sorry and remorseful! So I hope that this means that he won't repeat this again and that our relationship will work out!!
@xannex (254)
• Philippines
29 Jun 11
Mine was graver that I immediately broke up with him. He cheated with not only one girl while we were still going out. I did forgive him. Then he started courting me after few years but I imposedly showed to him that I am not the same girl who would go crazy with every thing he does anymore until one day he never made me feel his presence eventually. That's the time that I knew that he wasn't really serious on getting back with me.
@CTHanum (8254)
• Malaysia
29 Jun 11
I found that everyone should learn from you experience xannex. If he clearly betray you then there is no point to be together. If he loves you so much he will dare to do so right?
• Canada
29 Jun 11
I think everyone thinks that way.. We all think if we get cheated on we will leave that person, until it happens to us, then we end up staying with them for some reasons.. I do believe some people are capable of changing though. Some say once a cheater always a cheater.. But in my opinion, one mistake you make does not define you as a person.
• South Africa
29 Jun 11
Yes, that's what I keep thinking - maybe people can change? And everyone is human, so i guess we are allowed to make some mistakes. the problem is that he made the same mistake twice!! Anyway, I guess it's a matter of only time will tell.. Thank you for your response!
@KrauseHome (34982)
• United States
9 Jul 11
Personally I have always felt that this is wrong, and once they cheat it would be easier for them to want to do it again, and so it is Best to leave them. (Especially if you are not Married.) If you are married you can try counseling especially if there are kids involved, and see if that will help, but a lot of times it could be too late.
@badwes (408)
• United States
4 Jul 11
trust me ,, don't cheat , it sounds good and sexy , but just look the other way and ....run run ... it is better these way ... bfore it is too late !!!!
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
30 Jun 11
For me very bad to me and specially the eyes of Jehovah God so really bad it is very big sin in him.
• India
29 Jun 11
I am feels remain same expressions.cheating is cheating,if it happens in computer ,friendship,relationship,internet and every field of life.Every one has makes some mistakes in the life,1st i am forget these mistake and the give chance other person like as friend,relative etc.lastly if cheating is continue then we leave the person with the decent way.
• Jamaica
29 Jun 11
You are living in a dream world,cuase even married couples cheat.the fact of the matter is that you think you shouldn't lose anything but you are totally wrong.
29 Jun 11
i've never been cheated on, but i have cheated before, only when i was really young though and it wasn't really cheating you know, kissing a different boy behind the bike shed lol! plus i've grew up to be gay.. so go figure lol! .. i don't agree with cheating in anyway.. see if you can cheat, with anypart of your voice, body, mind, soul, heart, then it doesnt fully belong to the person you are with. and if you even think for one second that you want someone else, then you clearly aren't as inlove with the person as you think you are. if he was THE ONE for you, and you were THE ONE for him, you would be all he would think about, he wouldn't be able to see past you ever.. he'll cheat again.. and i think the fact that you've posted this on here proves that you probably agree with me. why cheat.. just leave, thats my motto!!